i deserve hell on earth

[Thorgs]

i feel like i cant sit, i stand up and i cant stand. i am too hot, so i took off my clothes and then i look at myself and said, put on your clothes you pathetic loser.

 

i have never had a crisis like this. my body is out of control.

 

i tried lying down. on the floor. i then lied down in my bed.

 

its going to be a long night. i am resolved to not drinking. i dont like being drunk, have never in my life done the hollywood drink a bottle of booze and drown my sorrows.

 

i have never had sorrow. i took everything for granted. on reflection, there was no way i was prepared mentally to handle such a lie. i know myself, why did i think i could do it and not feel this remorse?

What time is it where you live? Maybe going for a jog will take some energy away so you can collect yourself.

[SammySunh]

July 20th I think was the day he made the mistake...since that was a few days ago...but not sure.

 

sorry just checked the calender ... yesterday, july 22 was the day.

 

oh ya, just to throw more crap on the fire. i am sure i was about to recieve an offer for my dream job, would require me to travel overseas. to places like Thailand.

 

ya right, not going to be accepting that offer.

 

20 years of hard work, marriage and career, thrown away.

 

if anyone out there reads this thread one day and saves themselves, then i guess something has come from my manic writings.

[Thorgs]

sorry just checked the calender ... yesterday, july 22 was the day.

 

oh ya, just to throw more crap on the fire. i am sure i was about to recieve an offer for my dream job, would require me to travel overseas. to places like Thailand.

 

ya right, not going to be accepting that offer.

 

20 years of hard work, marriage and career, thrown away.

 

if anyone out there reads this thread one day and saves themselves, then i guess something has come from my manic writings.

Good idea on not taking it. Show your wife that your family is more important at this point and from now on.

[BellaBellaBella]

Sammy, I am really afraid for you. Your not going to do anything stupid are you? No guns in the house right?

[SammySunh]

Sammy, I am really afraid for you. Your not going to do anything stupid are you? No guns in the house right?

 

never seen a gun in my life. i wont kill myself, why would i do that to my family? i wouldnt mind dying though, i want them to collect the insurance money.

 

its all i have left right now to offer them. killing myself wont do anything but add to the pain and cement me as the loser I am already ashamed of.

 

death is an easy way out. like my original post said, right now i feel like i deserve hell on earth, not death.

 

ps to clarify we met 20 years ago, married 15 on August long weekend.

 

if anyone reading this has been saved by this, even if its 5 years from now. post your thanks, i need all the karma i can get right now. karma is already building up a hell of a case against me. judgement is next.

[BellaBellaBella]

Trying to turn lemons into lemonade here. Sammy what I am saying let's say your wife doesn't kick you to the curb. Perhaps July 22nd becomes the day YOU realize how much you love your wife. Because you did something so stupid you could lose her. I would bet that you, realized when you finished exactly what you stood to lose and wanted to hit crack whore.

[SammySunh]

Trying to turn lemons into lemonade here. Sammy what I am saying let's say your wife doesn't kick you to the curb. Perhaps July 22nd becomes the day YOU realize how much you love your wife. Because you did something so stupid you could lose her. I would bet that you, realized when you finished exactly what you stood to lose and wanted to hit crack whore.

 

i hear you. thanks.

 

i dont need a date to realize how much i love her. i have said it to her every day of the last 20 years.

 

i went to the arts and crafts store last month and have been making her hand made stuff just for random. i am not artistic, i just wanted a new and fresh way to show her my love.

 

how can any of this make sense. i should have gone running for my life last night, not waltz right into it.

[BellaBellaBella]

I think the hardest thing your ever going to do is wait this out till wife comes home.

[BellaBellaBella]

You put yourself in temptations way. You were bored and lonely. Crack whore offered it on a plate. Yes, you are the one responsible, you made the final choice. However, you don't put yourself in the room with shady people and come out clean.

[Corporate]

 

if anyone reading this has been saved by this, even if its 5 years from now. post your thanks, i need all the karma i can get right now. karma is already building up a hell of a case against me. judgement is next.

 

Why did you make all these choices though. It was not a mistake; it was a choice after choice after choice. You chose to chat and flirt with some girl behind your wife's back, and then chose to meet her IN PERSON, and decides to walk into a bar to see her, and then decide to flirt with her, and then chose to drive to HER private place, then decides to take off your clothes and make love to her. Do you see how many choices you chose? If you ended during any of those 10 to 20 actions, this would have ended before it went too far.

[SammySunh]

here is what is also tormenting me.

 

what if the reason this girl hunted me down and was so agressive with her offers was that she is mad at the world and just wanted to create this pain.

 

what if she knows she is infected and was acting out.

 

i pray its just my over active manic imagination, but i cant get it out my head that she did this for sport.

[SammySunh]

Why did you make all these choices though. It was not a mistake; it was a choice after choice after choice. You chose to chat and flirt with some girl behind your wife's back, and then chose to meet her IN PERSON, and decides to walk into a bar to see her, and then decide to flirt with her, and then chose to drive to HER private place, then decides to take off your clothes and make love to her. Do you see how many choices you chose? If you ended during any of those 10 to 20 actions, this would have ended before it went too far.

 

you are exactly right and every time i made that choice i just shrugged it off.

 

arrogant.

 

stupid.

 

i deserve whats coming, i earned it and the pain is real.

 

is it a mental illness. do people do self destructive things for no apparent reason?

 

i wasnt drunk, she was gross looking. WHAT THE !!!!!

[Thorgs]

don't jump to conclusions. once again you are jumping the gun. remember, one day at a time or you'll lose your mind. slow and steady wins the race.

[Enchanted Girl]

I agree with all the above posts (just finished reading the whole thread.) It will be hard and it will take a lot of work to repair your marriage and figure out how you did this and not do it again, but most women would rather stick with the person they are married to then leave him and have to start again. They already have so much invested in this person and they will lose it all.

 

I've already thought what I would do, personally, if I were faced with the same situation and my husband cheated on me. I would forgive him if he was honest with me, had only done it once, and worked hard to change things and earn my trust back.

[SammySunh]

why did i let this happen. its no ones fault.

 

finding out why wont fix anything, but it just doesnt make sense. i want my thursday back.

[BellaBellaBella]

Thorgs I think we are at a minute at a time, right now.

[SammySunh]

I agree with all the above posts (just finished reading the whole thread.) It will be hard and it will take a lot of work to repair your marriage and figure out how you did this and not do it again, but most women would rather stick with the person they are married to then leave him and have to start again. They already have so much invested in this person and they will lose it all.

 

I've already thought what I would do, personally, if I were faced with the same situation and my husband cheated on me. I would forgive him if he was honest with me, had only done it once, and worked hard to change things and earn my trust back.

 

i hope you never feel the pain my wife and kids are going to go through. show your husband this thread, if it even gives him a second thought some time in the future.

 

i have so much shame right now. ask your husband if he ever wants to know the worst human emotion that is so over powering you cant help but realize life is real.

[BellaBellaBella]

Sammy, think this through. If what she did is give you a bj and you didn't do anything to her. Unless she had open sores and you had a sore, or she had herpes in her mouth. Then your pretty safe as far as Herpes and AIDS.

[SammySunh]

Thorgs I think we are at a minute at a time, right now.

 

whats that mean? am i posting too much?

 

im not on a suicide watch, i promise. i have a million reason to not to do it, like insurance wont pay if i do it.

 

i want to see my kids grow up. i want my wife to find it in her heart to forgive me.

 

its up to her. what an unfair burden i placed on her. just another dagger i put in her heart.

[SammySunh]

Sammy, think this through. If what she did is give you a bj and you didn't do anything to her. Unless she had open sores and you had a sore, or she had herpes in her mouth. Then your pretty safe as far as Herpes and AIDS.

 

herpes in the mouth is what i am scared of. holy god, just typing that! why why why why why why why

 

is this a mental illness?

[Thorgs]

Thorgs I think we are at a minute at a time, right now.

Yeah, I started getting that 60 second reply thing too. I guess we are both full of advice and LS wants to limit our knowledge!

[BellaBellaBella]

Sammy here is a link about std's and oral sex

http://gayteens.about.com/od/sexualit1/f/oral_sex.htm

[Enchanted Girl]

why did i let this happen. its no ones fault.

 

finding out why wont fix anything, but it just doesnt make sense. i want my thursday back.

 

It will help you, not to make the mistake again and to move on with your life and become a better man.

[SammySunh]

It will help you, not to make the mistake again and to move on with your life and become a better man.

 

of course it wont happen again. i cant even get a hardon anymore, not that i have any thoughts of sex.

 

i dont even know how i can have sex with her if she ever forgives me.

 

i ruined so much. the unhappy ending of a real life fairy tale.

[Thorgs]

herpes in the mouth is what i am scared of. holy god, just typing that! why why why why why why why

 

is this a mental illness?

whether it is or isn't, there are professionals out there to help you. you need to buy yourself an exercise bike or treadmill to work off this energy...although, i know you're flipping out right now. i was at this point about 3 weeks ago, losing the only person in my life.

 

just don't become suicidal how i was. show your wife that you're strong and confident and want to fix what was done.