i deserve hell on earth

[SammySunh]

Do you have any family you could call to be with you? Do you need to go to ER tonight to get sedation?

 

i am not telling anyone she knows until she has been told.

 

i dont have any family in the city, just in laws. i will try watching TV, although i really dont like to.

[BellaBellaBella]

Your wife would want you to take care of yourself. She would want you to eat something. She wants a husband to come home.

[SammySunh]

i just had a yogurt, first tihng i have eaten since 1130.

 

i feel sick to my stomach and am going to throw it up.

[BellaBellaBella]

try and breath through it

[Thorgs]

Sammy, get to bed!!! It's the best thing for you right now.

[SammySunh]

i cant sleep ... trying to watch a movie, but i cant. im sick to the stomach for real and in so much despair. i dont know how to get through this.

[BellaBellaBella]

Sammy did you read the private message I sent you

[SammySunh]

Sammy did you read the private message I sent you

 

just saw it thanks ...

[AmeliaApple]

 

and if i do have herpes, then what?

 

Sweetie, I hope you take this the way it is intended, but you need to chill out. First off, yes, you made a big mistake. I've read all the posts, but cannot make heads or tails out of whether or not you truly had sexual intercourse with this other woman. Yes, oral sex can pass STDs, but if you didn't actually have intercourse with this woman, there is a very, very good chance that you will not catch anything in your genitals. That isn't to say that it won't appear in your mouth if all you gave was oral, but there is a lesser probability that you have a genital STD if you didn't have sex.

 

I have been married for 4 years and I still have STD panels run annually. I've always done it since I became sexually active, so at this point it is just routine. The first time that I waited for my results was a nightmare. My doctor had to prescribe some anti-anxiety meds to get me through the process. I didn't have anything, but I became so crazy about the possibility of having something that I just freaked.

 

Freaking about this when 1) you don't know the answer and 2) even if you have a positive test, there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances, does not do your children any good.

 

Call your PCP, tell them what is going on, get some anti-anxiety meds....if your not into meds, find some meditation practices to get yourself centered.

 

Furthermore, you must realize that your brain can make almost any psychological symptom become a physical symptom. You may very well have "symptoms" that resemble STDs, but only because you believe you do.

 

Lastly, do not tell your wife about this over email, text, or any other type of non face-to-face communication. You were weak when you made the poor decision, choose to be strong to begin to rectify the situation. And remember,"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." (Kahlil Gibran). This will be a scar. This will make you stronger.

[SammySunh]

thank you ...

 

why do i deserve to be stronger? its my wife who will come out this stronger, she deserves that before I do.

 

nothing makes sense to me right now, nothing.

[AmeliaApple]

Being confused is okay. And you deserve to be stronger for your children and for yourself. Humans are faulty and relationships are messy. But the messy parts are worth the joy they bring. Another thought I keep in my mind is the serenity prayer (no, I'm not religious, but the message is powerful)

 

"Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; courage to change the things we can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; and Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace." ~based on the “Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr

 

For your situation:

The things you cannot change: the past

Courage to change the things you can: how you deal with the situation

[SammySunh]

Being confused is okay. And you deserve to be stronger for your children and for yourself. Humans are faulty and relationships are messy. But the messy parts are worth the joy they bring. Another thought I keep in my mind is the serenity prayer (no, I'm not religious, but the message is powerful)

 

"Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; courage to change the things we can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; and Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace." ~based on the “Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr

 

For your situation:

The things you cannot change: the past

Courage to change the things you can: how you deal with the situation

 

 

if i could find one thing that would have caused me to do this, but i cant.

 

i wasnt drunk

she wasnt irresistable

i have regular passionate sex already

im loved

i have never been abused or had hardship

i had a perfect life.

 

why would i do something guaranteed to hurt so many people and put so much at risk.

 

my wife, my kids, my career. i say my career because i cant take the job, it will create so much angst for my wife and will wreck our marriage from the inside just as she she is trying to build trust back.

 

if i should be so lucky.

[BellaBellaBella]

Sammy how are you doing buddy?

[Thorgs]

so you put off the job for now, another promotion will come along again.

[demrea]

so you put off the job for now, another promotion will come along again.

 

Of course, this is the least of my concerns.

[demrea]

never mind

Edited July 24, 2010 by demrea

[Chinook]

You did it because you're bored with your life. Human beings inherently are fickle and stupid, especially when they have everything on a plate, time and again they will do something to upset the balance. This is what you have done.

 

That said, you've only caused a minor earthquake in my opinion. If I were your wife, I'd have a fit... but I'd forgive you. On this occasion. If you'd caused world war three, we'd be looking at another situ entirely and it's my guess.. that your subconscious assisted you to do this to cause enough of an upset to jump start things (afterall something like this will either make or break us) or to kill it completely.

 

Had you thoughts of any decisions to be made about life...? The job...? Now, your mind has been made up. This stupid action has hammered home that you don't want to be without your wife and family... but, whether she wants to be with you after this, remains to be seen. But my guess is you're exactly where your subconscious wants you to be. Sorry, harsh I know.

 

As Corporate said pretty early on: lots of choices, lots of chances NOT to do it. You can't change it now. You need to calm down and chill out and plan how you're going to deal with either scenario of where it ends.

[SammySunh]

I took the train to the clinic at 830 this morning and I am now walking the 20km or so home.

 

I'm so hungry, so I am at a coffee house and waiting for my food. I already feel like I am going to throw up.

 

I will post more when I make it home. I might get a cab from here though, I'm more then halfway but don't know.

 

I'm so messed up, I know that. I have never know this much pain and self inflicted hate.

[SammySunh]

im home now ...

 

Dr at the clinic said that they cant test until 72 hour has passed and since they are closed on Sunday, I need to go back on Monday.

 

Test wont be available until THursday, but my wife comes home Wed and she is going to want to be frisky (well until I crush her life with this).

 

Dr suggest to not ruin my marriage until I have facts and that I should just hold off however I can until I have information.

 

The food was good, but I cant keep it down.

 

I really hope that oeven ne person reading this is saved one day. I dont see salvation any where in the future for me, heed my warning.

 

Even if my wife forgives me and even if I have no disease, the life I knew has been shattered no matter what. Dont let this be you!

 

The good life, wife and family I took for granted ... RIP - July 22, 2010

[LuckyCharm]

SammySunh, how are you feeling today? Have you been able to eat and get some rest?

[SammySunh]

i am having trouble eating, my stomach is a mess from nerves. no one should feel sorry for me though, i did this to myself.

 

my wife keeps sending me romantic and sometimes provocative messages and all i can think about is what an idiot loser i am and i am going to break her heart. i know her well and the life I once i had is all but over, i know it and cant believe i did this to myself. some other guy is going to get to grow old with one of this worlds real treasure and i am going to be an STI infected hermit working his butt off to make sure my kids dont live in poverty because of my mistake. when i was downtown at the clinic yesterday and saw some of the street people, i imagined that some of them had the good life at one time too and i hope that doesnt become my life.

 

i dont know how serial cheaters can do this, i make one mistake and i am in shutdown mode over it. like some one said earlier, panic mode for my brain.

 

i am not religious, well i have never supported organized religion and i have no relationship with GOD. but the places my mind is taking me tells me god is real.

 

1) i never worried about STI's in my life because I have had one partner for 20 years. Does god reward the pure by putting STI's on earth?

 

2) as i was heading out the door to ruin my life, my wife had texted me and asked me to skype the kids. so i went back to the house, was that GOD's message trying to save me?

 

i had my chances, i made my choices. RIP to my former life. What a moron I am!

 

i have no one to blame but myself.

 

i keep going over and over how i could have gotten out of this before it happend and then i realize i didnt and cant go back.

 

it would help me to understand if there is a mental disorder that causes people to make obvious self destructive choices because i just dont understand how i made these choices.

 

do i even deserve an answer? i am not the victim here, my wife and children are.

[SammySunh]

all i have eaten since Thursday

 

Thursday - 8 chicken wings for dinner at the pub

Friday - no breakfast, sushi for lunch, no dinner

Saturday - no breakfast, crepe for lunch, no dinner

 

everytime i put food in my mouth, i feel sick to my stomach. everytime i wake up, i go over and over in my mind and i cant stop. i woke up at 530 this morning and laid in bed until 10 just unable to fall back asleep and get these thoughts out of my head about how i ruined everything.

 

i dont see anyway out of this, why did i think i could just do this, sti or not, and take this secret to my grave. the guilt is going to kill me. guilt if i dont tell her(which i have to) and guilt that i did this to my family.

 

there will be no salvation for me. i hope someone reading this thread learns my lesson before they go through it themselves.

[Corporate]

 

2) as i was heading out the door to ruin my life, my wife had texted me and asked me to skype the kids. so i went back to the house, was that GOD's message trying to save me?

 

 

Did you go meet this OW right after you skyped with your kids and wife?

 

What were you expecting when you plan to meet this woman? Just some flirting or did you expected what ultimately happened? If you expected the latter, why didn't you bring a condom? Easy women like that have been around and around.

[LuckyCharm]

I'm not feeling sorry for you, I'm feeling sorry for the situation.

Like you said you brought it on your self, but I do worry for you.

 

I think people here are being extra nice because unlike others who cheat and don't feel a bit bad you at least recognize that what you did was wrong and your making sure to tell your wife and get tested.

 

I know it must be hard not being able to tell her since she's away and I think that's one of the reasons your not able to eat or sleep. I think once you tell her you will feel a little better getting this off your chest. That's why I say a little better cause there's no telling how she'll react. who knows, maybe she'll decide to forgive you.

 

Just wondering, you said you had no idea why you did this and that your happy in your marriage but could you possibly be going through a mid-life crises? (sp?) maybe something has effected you ability to think straight? not trying to come up with excuses for you I'm just trying to understand.

[SammySunh]

 

I think once you tell her you will feel a little better getting this off your chest.

 

so if i dont have an STI, wouldnt keeping the pain to myself be the right thing to do? right now she feels no pain, why should i tell her just to make it easier on me to live with myself?

 

i will tell her, no question, but even that feels selfish.

 

im in so much despair, breaking the heart of my wife is the worst evil i could dream of. breaking up my family too.

 

i have only myself to blame. the consequences are going to be real and for whatever reason i knew this and did it anyhow. thats why i think i must be sick in the head, but even that just sounds like an excuse.