Childhood Abuse and Failing Marriage

[Soxfan_96]

Loveshack.org friends,

 

I was a victim of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse in my childhood. I was able to a sweet, loving, beautiful woman. We dated for 3.5 years and lived together 1.5 years before marriage. 5 days after our 2nd anniversity she leaves me. Says i changed and she can't take the abuse anymore.

 

I was battling depression at the time (how long don't know). I wouldn't do anything around the apartment nor be physically or emotionally available to her. I was using guilt trips to get what I wanted. I was withholding my emotions. I was doing all of this without my knowledge. My childhood taught me some very bad attitudes and behaviors. I broke the physical abuse, but not the verbal and emotional. I tried my best to break the cycle but I couldn't. I failed..

 

We are currently living separate right now and not sure if we'll ever get back together. Its been almost 2 months living on our own. She is still trying to figure out if she wants to try to work it out or end this failing marriage. We speak to each other almost every night and see each other once a week. I am learning more about what I was doing to her and what she wanted and needed from me. She says she wants to be 'friends' right now until she can figure out what she wants to do.

 

I am currently going through therapy for the childhood abuse. I feel alot of my martial problems were caused by my childhood abuse. I have such great shame and remorse for what I did to that poor girl. I really want to make it up to her, but I may never get the chance. I am getting better with accepting the childhood abuse and what I did to her.

 

I know I am becoming the man I should have been a long time ago. I am learning to communicate my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Learning how to break the bad attitudes and behaviors. its such crap that society tells us boys don't cry or can show any of his emotions, except anger. A few coworkers of mine have seen a difference in me, but not sure if my wife has.

 

I am struggling mightly with the marriage stuff. Just don't know what to do or say to her right now. As for the abuse I am learning so much about myself and I am beginning to realize who I am. I am a nice, polite, respectful person who had a crappy upbringing and learned some bad attitudes and behaviors. I just wished I did something earlier and didn't need my wife leaving me to finally get help.

 

I just want to know if any other men out there have gone through this. Any advice would be helpful. This website is great and I hope there is someone out there who can help.

 

Thank you,

Soxfan_96

[jsa100100]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Although I can't relate, I'm wondering, does she know? If she does, is she willing to help? If she doesn't, then I suggest you be up front with her if you want to have any hope of getting her back.

 

If she doesn't want to come back, then I suggest you move on. Get better, make sure you can handle another relationship, and work on yourself until you find the next one. Holding onto hope at this point is keeping you from moving on and healing, and becoming a better person.

[sugarmomma]

A crappy childhood is something that a lot of us have experienced. As an adult, you can't blame your crappy childhood for your choice to abuse. You have to take full responsibility for your own behavior and healing from your past.

 

I was abused as well and became an abuser. I had no boundaries with people and crossed theirs every chance I got. You have to learn respect 101 and please get some professional help.

 

You will not change over night. You have to educate yourself about your pathology.

[Rifareal]

I am sorry to hear what happened to you as a child. Change wouldn't be easy and must seek help. Its not your fault having been abused as a child. You are in pain and unconciously you hurt the ones who really cares for you. Changing need patience and a lot of it remember why your doing and and to whom your doing it. Goodluck i hope you fix things with your wife.

[Soxfan_96]

Its over. We both came to the conclusion that our marriage cannot be saved. There was too much hurt and too many issues from our pasts. I will still be going to therapy to help my childhood abuse. I will also go to counseling regarding the failed marriage and the abuse that was do. Thank you for all your replies.

[carhill]

My sympathies. I hope you find some peace.

[jamesum]

Love Shy and Childhood Abuse are correlated.

 

My father is verbally and emotionally abusive.

 

I hate him to the death.

 

Thanks to my childhood upbringing, now in my twenties I have constant doubt about myself and have problem expressing myself.

[Soxfan_96]

Through the power of therapy, i have the courage to tell my parents about the abuse on saturday.

 

The future ex-wife is still interested in how I feel afterwards. I guess she still has concern for me. Just wonder if there is any love left.

 

Spoke with her mother and she said she "will never marry again and wants to grow old with just her cats." She has alot of self-hate right now. She can't get passed how she allowed me to make her feel and how she feels about herself. Therapy will help her answer these questions.

 

I learned some much through therapy and I have something that looks like self-respect. I learned so much about life and communication. I never thought there was such a big connection with your self-respect and how you respect others. I thought you respect others first and they in turn gave you respect. This is how respect is earned. I was really wrong. It starts with yourself first and then is projected.

 

Therapy has helped me in ways i never thought was possible and I want my future-ex-wife to see the benefits to. i listened to her heartfelt advice and she was right. I wish she would listen to mine and get into therapy. It will answer alot of questions she has. I wish the best for her and I know she has the strength to overcome this.

 

I now have the courage and strength to confront my parents about the abuse. I have the courage to tell them they did a piss poor job raising me. i have the courage to stand up for myself and tell them what i want from them. How many adult-children go throughout their lives still jumping at their parents commands. Its said "Honor thy mother and father," what about "Honor thy children and their needs." i wish there is some kind of class you need to go through before you can have children.

[jamesum]

What the therapist told you about how to gain self-respect?

 

My father is never supportive of me. So until now I always wonder if Im good enough for anything or not. Maybe if I learn to have self-respect, I can improve myself.

Edited August 7, 2010 by jamesum

[Soxfan_96]

To gain self-respect its very simple and I still can't believe it.

To gain self-respect you must respect our own wants and needs.

It is simply listening to what yourself is telling you, acknowledging that, and then acting upon it. So you are respecting yourself by taking care of your wants and needs. And in doing so you will learn how to ask these from other people. You will also learn how to respect other people's wants and needs.

You will also start creating boundaries for yourself and know when they are crossed, so you stick up for yourself, you want to be respected. You will also respect other people's boundaries, both phyiscal and emotional.

 

Physical wants and needs: you are thirsty, drink something. you are hungry, eat something, you want to feel clean, take a shower, I feel sick, go to the doctor, so forth.

 

Emotional wants and needs: I want to feel happy, do something you like, I want to feel I like belong, hang out with friends, so forth.

 

Relationships: I want to be with you, I want to see you more often, lets try something new tonight for dinner want a new experience, respecting the other person's thoughts and feelings, I want you to validated my feelings of whatever, and so forth.

 

I never thought this is how you gain self-respect, I always thought it was given to you. Do to others and you like them to do to you. This is true, but you need to respect yourself before you can respect others.

[jamesum]

Thank you, I will try to understand the concept more and eventually implement it.

 

But after growing up feeling like Im nothing but a loser, it won't be so easy I guess.

[jimrich]

To gain self-respect its very simple and I still can't believe it.

To gain self-respect you must respect our own wants and needs.

It is simply listening to what yourself is telling you, acknowledging that, and then acting upon it. So you are respecting yourself by taking care of your wants and needs. And in doing so you will learn how to ask these from other people. You will also learn how to respect other people's wants and needs.

You will also start creating boundaries for yourself and know when they are crossed, so you stick up for yourself, you want to be respected. You will also respect other people's boundaries, both phyiscal and emotional.

 

Physical wants and needs: you are thirsty, drink something. you are hungry, eat something, you want to feel clean, take a shower, I feel sick, go to the doctor, so forth.

 

Emotional wants and needs: I want to feel happy, do something you like, I want to feel I like belong, hang out with friends, so forth.

 

Relationships: I want to be with you, I want to see you more often, lets try something new tonight for dinner want a new experience, respecting the other person's thoughts and feelings, I want you to validated my feelings of whatever, and so forth.

 

I never thought this is how you gain self-respect, I always thought it was given to you. Do to others and you like them to do to you. This is true, but you need to respect yourself before you can respect others.

 

Wow, that's the same stuff I learned in recovery and support groups! It totally changed my rotten childhood experience and has allowed me to be in a loving marriage and happy life. I could never tell anyone enough about the benefits of therapy, counseling and self help work & it amazes me how few folks know about it, respect the benefits and have any understanding of why abuse victims do recovery at all. Probably fear and shame in the general population about shrinks and therapy. Well, it sure worked for me and my wife!

[jmsclayton]

soxfan96

 

Hi

 

sharing

 

It will take her time to see evidence that your changing. Just give her time. Care to share what your concerns are? Date nites in places where there is alot of people will help her to feel safe and see how you act.

 

Keep the communications lines open> Women rely heavily on trust. Your rebuilding the trust back in her about you. I know your hurting but hang in there. It takes time.

 

REading books on marriage can help.

 

Can you name specifics on what you are concern about when it comes to marriage and you and her?

 

Thoughts?

 

Judith

[Soxfan_96]

Thanks for responding, but my marriage will be over soon. October 6th will be when I go to court to divorce my wife.

 

She wanted me to agree that divorce was our best option, because she couldn't deal with the guilt associated with it. I wanted to work and she didn't. I remained loyal to her and she cheated on me during our "separation."

 

As for specifics she couldn't tell me she wasn't happy nor could she tell me that something was wrong with me. She didn't have enough respect to tell me anything. She quit on me, herself, and our relationship. She didn't even try to fix things with our relationship.

 

She made no effort to fix this marriage and the mistakes she made nor did she acknowledge her part of this failed marriage. She just pointed the finger at me and blamed me for everything. I will admit I made mistake and so did she. I wanted to work on saving our marriage and she quit. the kicker was she cheated on me during our 'separation.' she couldn't tell me anything.

 

To sum things up, mistakes were made, feelings were hurt, resentment was had, trust was lost, commitment was lost, and our love died.

 

I really loved that woman and I busted my ass to get myself fixed and all she could do was start a new life for herself. She couldn't deal with the mess the both of us created and she quit. I still find it ironic she was the one who said infidelity would end this relationship and she was the one who cheated. I hope the grass was greener on the other side, because you left one hell of a mess behind. Thanks honey.

 

This whole thing was about her being unhappy. She was selfish and childish during this whole "separation." She never took into consideration my feelings nor could she admit she made mistakes, instead blamed me. She never wanted to get back together, she just wanted to get over the guilt. Yeah, maybe that guilt was telling you to try to fix this relationship. Thanks for nothing. I spent so much time, money, and energy into saving this marriage and it was all for not.

[Soxfan_96]

Yes you read that right. I will be divorcing my wife. She wanted me gone, so I made myself go away. She was dragging her damn feet looking for a lawyer. So I needed to move on, so I served her. I told her to come get her stuff from the apt.

 

In the end I get to pay for the whole divorce $2500. I let her take out $3000 for her new car. And I have a broken heart. Thanks for not trying and not remaining loyal. I hope Carma comes around and bites you in your lying cheating ass. You had a great guy in me, I just had some issues that needed to be fixed. I would have been a great husband and great father to you and your kids, but you couldn't try to work things out. I hope your so freaking happy right now, but i feel like crap. I feel like a fool for spending so much time, money, and energy into saving this crap marriage. Way to screw over someone you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I still loved you at the end. I tried my best and it wasn't good enough. I don't know what the hell you want and I's think you don't know either.

 

I hope your family and friends find out what you did and give you so much grief about what you did and didn't do. But you have been playing this victim role so well and they will be playing along with it as well. You need to wake up and see what the hell you have done.

 

I know we messed up in our marriage, but it was all fixable if both parties wanted to. Thanks for not trying and remaining loyal. Thanks for giving up on this 6.5 year relationship. Bitch.

[Confused4Now]

To gain self-respect its very simple and I still can't believe it.

To gain self-respect you must respect our own wants and needs.

It is simply listening to what yourself is telling you, acknowledging that, and then acting upon it. So you are respecting yourself by taking care of your wants and needs. And in doing so you will learn how to ask these from other people. You will also learn how to respect other people's wants and needs.

You will also start creating boundaries for yourself and know when they are crossed, so you stick up for yourself, you want to be respected. You will also respect other people's boundaries, both phyiscal and emotional.

 

Physical wants and needs: you are thirsty, drink something. you are hungry, eat something, you want to feel clean, take a shower, I feel sick, go to the doctor, so forth.

 

Emotional wants and needs: I want to feel happy, do something you like, I want to feel I like belong, hang out with friends, so forth.

 

Relationships: I want to be with you, I want to see you more often, lets try something new tonight for dinner want a new experience, respecting the other person's thoughts and feelings, I want you to validated my feelings of whatever, and so forth.

 

I never thought this is how you gain self-respect, I always thought it was given to you. Do to others and you like them to do to you. This is true, but you need to respect yourself before you can respect others.

This is the one thing I learned growing up. RESPECT...my DAD was a wonderful father. However I found myself in a Affair with a MW who was abused as a child and in her marriage. I tried so hard to teach her this one thing and I don't think she ever got it. She didn't respect herself first. I think it's great that you are learning this through therapy. People have to value themselves first before they can give to others. Keep up the good work I'm really happy to see people recognizing their issues and taking action to fix it.

[Confused4Now]

Yes you read that right. I will be divorcing my wife. She wanted me gone, so I made myself go away. She was dragging her damn feet looking for a lawyer. So I needed to move on, so I served her. I told her to come get her stuff from the apt.

 

In the end I get to pay for the whole divorce $2500. I let her take out $3000 for her new car. And I have a broken heart. Thanks for not trying and not remaining loyal. I hope Carma comes around and bites you in your lying cheating ass. You had a great guy in me, I just had some issues that needed to be fixed. I would have been a great husband and great father to you and your kids, but you couldn't try to work things out. I hope your so freaking happy right now, but i feel like crap. I feel like a fool for spending so much time, money, and energy into saving this crap marriage. Way to screw over someone you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I still loved you at the end. I tried my best and it wasn't good enough. I don't know what the hell you want and I's think you don't know either.

 

I hope your family and friends find out what you did and give you so much grief about what you did and didn't do. But you have been playing this victim role so well and they will be playing along with it as well. You need to wake up and see what the hell you have done.

 

I know we messed up in our marriage, but it was all fixable if both parties wanted to. Thanks for not trying and remaining loyal. Thanks for giving up on this 6.5 year relationship. Bitch.

Keep working on yourself....focus on yourself. Just be glad you recognized your issues and you have started down the path of addressing them. Just put yourself in a position to be ready for the next healthy relationship. Things happen for a reason.