I sent her an email

[Fieldsofgold]

I think Mombat's behavior is typical OW behavior, trying to find a solution to a situation which seems unsolvable.

 

But don't you think IC could help her sort through it?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If he's told her the truth it will be no big deal, if he's lying then he just got caught. I don't see the big deal. She needed an answer and she went to the source, I respect that.

[Fieldsofgold]

Since when did talking to a MM help?

 

LOL! No doubt!

[Fieldsofgold]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennie-jennie

I think Mombat's behavior is typical OW behavior, trying to find a solution to a situation which seems unsolvable.

 

I had no idea.

 

That would be a hard way to live.

[Jilly Bean]

Wow. So, you're dating a guy who may or may not be married. You don't trust him, so you decide to send his wife an email telling her about you.

 

Oy.

 

I hope you realize you've lost him no matter how this pans out.

 

If he's married, he'll dump you because he'll chose his wife, and if he is genuinely separated, he'll dump you because you did this.

 

Plus, also realize, you might not even hear from his wife, and then what?

 

Boy. Im just amazed at this. I get telling the wife when youre having an affair because you want to hurt the MM, but this wasnt very well thought out, IMO.

[sadintexas]

I am so confused. people on here always say to tell, now that someone has everyone is going to beat her up for it?

 

I think she was well within her rights to contact the BS. She just should have discussed it with the sMM first.

 

I agree. I don't understand why everyone is coming down so hard on her.

[sadintexas]

Are you saying that communicating to your MM isn't helpful to you?

 

Anyway, in M's situation, her MM has the wool pulled over her eyes and deep down I think she knows this but is choosing to let her love for him rule over what her gut is telling her.

 

I believe we all know, even those who protest against it, that the MM is very capable of lying and may be possibly lying to the OW as well. Some of us are just more confident that's the case than others.

 

I don't agree that Mombot is letting her love rule over her gut. She had the courage to send this email. Most OW wouldn't do that for fear of losing their R with the MM.

[jj33]

I cant speak for anyone else but seems to me that to go behind your lover's back and go to his spouse having gotten her email address without his knowledge can only spell the end of the relationship.

 

Mombot I can only guess you were thinking of leaving the R anyway and just wanted to know if you were still being lied to.

 

Otherwise if I were him I would see that as a big breach of trust and lack of faith.

 

Mombot I hope you are ready for his response and for him to be so upset that you might lose him.

 

IMHO if you dont think you can trust someone and they wont show you proof, then you walk. By the time you go their SO or stbSO or alleged SO whatever you want to call it, you are saying game over. I am out of here or you feel some dauty to alert the third person in the triangle.

[Fieldsofgold]

I just want to mention something that happened to me.

 

My xBF/MM's Wife called me on several occasions after d-day, and gave me quite a bit of information. She told me they were still sexually active, they went on trips together, other details about their relationship.

 

I told xBF/MM what she said. HE said she lied to me, to make me think their R was more than it was. He could have been right. I did think maybe she was embellishing a few details.

 

In my case it didn't matter. I was done with him anyway.

 

My point is, even if you do hear back from the wife, you still won't know if you have the truth, because sometimes BS's lie too.

[sadintexas]

From Mombot's posts it seemed to me that she has been very confused and hasn't known what to believe. Perhaps she did do this with the knowledge that if there was anything less than complete love from her MM, that he would be gone. Perhaps it was her way to put an end to it the way it currently exists.

 

Any man who has lied to the "woman he loves" in such astronomical proportions, who would then be furious at her for trying to verify the truth, is not a man worth having anyway. I think she knows that.

 

If he really loves her, then her reaction from his lies is something he would be willing to forgive IMO. He would understand the damage he did with his lies. If he does not, then good riddance.

[Fieldsofgold]

From Mombot's posts it seemed to me that she has been very confused and hasn't known what to believe. Perhaps she did do this with the knowledge that if there was anything less than complete love from her MM, that he would be gone. Perhaps it was her way to put an end to it the way it currently exists.

 

Any man who has lied to the "woman he loves" in such astronomical proportions, who would then be furious at her for trying to verify the truth, is not a man worth having anyway. I think she knows that.

 

If he really loves her, then her reaction from his lies is something he would be willing to forgive IMO. He would understand the damage he did with his lies. If he does not, then good riddance.

 

Good post!

[jennie-jennie]

Talking can help - it can help the WS to understand where the OW is, what she wants, how she feels, how the A is affecting her and what the costs as well as the benefits are to her. This is important information in helping someone reach their own conclusions - rather than second-guessing, they have some measure of assurance about what may or may not be waiting for them on the other, unknowable, side.

 

It can't MAKE someone leave. But it can let them know where you stand. And, knowing their behaviour has consequences is helpful - not in a threatening kind of way ("if you don't dump your BW by next month, I'm history!") which simply prompts a knee-jerk response that the MM may not be able to sustain, but in a more informing way ("your inability to validate our R publicly is eroding my self-esteem, and the costs are too high for me to sustain this indefinitely. At some point I will have had enough, and will have to leave the A if it does not progress beyond being that.") Unless a MM knows that the OW wants more, and that sustaining the A is coming at a cost to her, he may assume things are just fine as they are to her and focus more on resolving some of the other, more pressing in his eyes, conflicting demands of the A (such as providing sex for a BW who hasn't wanted any for ages).

 

I think talking is a necessary but not sufficient condition.

 

Wise words as always, OWoman. LOL at the bolded part. Yep, it was 4 years ago since she last asked for it.

[jennie-jennie]

If she can live with it and not feel like she is settling for less than.....that is her choice. The majority of OW reach a point pretty quickly that they know it's never going to be enough but it usually takes them a long time to do something about it, but they see it pretty quickly.

 

But there's a lot of good sex to be had in the meantime.

[jennie-jennie]

If he's told her the truth it will be no big deal, if he's lying then he just got caught. I don't see the big deal. She needed an answer and she went to the source, I respect that.

 

So do I. And I believe there would be a lot fewer affairs, if this was the respected way to deal with them for the OW.

[jennie-jennie]

I just want to mention something that happened to me.

 

My xBF/MM's Wife called me on several occasions after d-day, and gave me quite a bit of information. She told me they were still sexually active, they went on trips together, other details about their relationship.

 

I told xBF/MM what she said. HE said she lied to me, to make me think their R was more than it was. He could have been right. I did think maybe she was embellishing a few details.

 

In my case it didn't matter. I was done with him anyway.

My point is, even if you do hear back from the wife, you still won't know if you have the truth, because sometimes BS's lie too.

 

Valid and interesting point.

[2sunny]

So do I. And I believe there would be a lot fewer affairs, if this was the respected way to deal with them for the OW.

 

what are you getting at - that every OW ought to contact the W and ask her permission to step into the M?

[jennie-jennie]

what are you getting at - that every OW ought to contact the W and ask her permission to step into the M?

 

That the affair should be exposed, and perhaps the two women could collaborate. Like BB07 and HSSS. But perhaps that is just an utopia. I guess if they both still want the man, they might end up clawing each other's eyes out instead.

[2sunny]

she may hear nothing.

 

i wonder if her SM/MM ever showed up... wonder too, if he mentioned the email?

[fooled once]

My 2 cents.....I think Mombot had every right to do what she did, because her gut has been telling her something is not right. After all......he lied to her about a huge thing, saying he was divorced.

As for how she did it, it probably would have been best to confirm the separation by some other means if possible instead of emailing the wife, but whats done is done. She every right to do this behind his back, after all he lied, so that should relieve her guilt in not trusting him and going behind his back. All bets were off when he told that huge lie.

 

Keep us posted Mombot and I'm proud of you, for not sitting around and driving yourself nuts with your doubts and questions. At least you have a good chance of getting some peace of mind now, one way or the other.

 

Good post.

 

I totally agree with this, FA, JWI, OW and all others who favor telling.

 

What does concern me is that, as I have read all the various threads that Mombat has started about this relationship . . . She is all over the map with this guy. One minute she adores him, next minute he's gonna just be a side piece, next minute she adores him. Next minute she is looking for a single guy, next minute she is contacting the wife. Just all over the map. A very rapidly fluctuating, vascillating situation. Doing drastic things, when she really has no idea where she wants to go with anything related to this guy. Her feelings and opinions change with the breeze.

 

At least all the other OW on here know what they want, or at least think they do.

 

This lady is Confused, with a capital "C". AND making drastic decisions while in this very confused state.

 

This is why I stopped discussing the R and started posting on every thread that she needs IC.

 

Mombat, I like you, I don't mean this in an unkind way at all, but in your best interests - you need IC.

 

I agree.

 

It is huge. And she took the chance by continuing with him after that big whopping lie! And she continued to stay with him knowing he was still married, still seeing his family on occasion. She is choosing this and yes, I can understand her frustration and mistrust of him, but she should have told him her plans, discuss it with him that she was going to talk to his wife about what is truly going on since she felt he wasn't being straight with her.

 

Question is, if the wife emails back and says they aren't separated, what then? Does she fight to keep this lying man who's been living a double life or does she walk away?

 

there are many OW who stay after being told lies (like the fact that he is really married, not separated or even that he is married - heck remember the one who stayed even after finding out he lied about his wife being dead!). Many claim they are already in too deep (too in love) and that he is sorry for lying. Each person has their own level of acceptance of lies/betrayal. What may push me away may not push someone else away. Some OW won't stay one for years, some do deal with being an OW for years. Again, level of acceptance is different for each person.

 

And no - none of the above was meant snarky or nasty in any way - just trying to say what one person says no way to, another says okay to.

[stillafool]

I think it is horrible to invade someone's privacy, especially if you aren't married to them. Why not just leave him alone if you are that insecure?

[datura_noir]

Seems like good honest decent single men are in such short supply these days, that women must scrap over some married/I-need-to-find-myself-/separated-but-only-by- distance/emotionally divorced/split-in-half man who has "choices" to make. Are the pickin's that slim??

 

What is the ratio from men to women in China again??? Aren't they having a woman shortage?? They are climbing up economically, perhaps it's the next horizon?? Chinese guys are kinda cute-and hard working to boot! Many soulmates to be found over there!

 

Can't we raise our boys better here? Raise them with integrity and honor to do a woman right? Or do we need a shortage of women to even the playing fields??

 

Sorry, major T/J:D

[norajane]

Separated man is on his way up here to see me. I finally bit the bullet and sent his W an email, letting her know an extramarital situation existed. We'll see what happens.

 

Good. At least you did something for yourself. You came out of the shadows.

 

I said in one of your threads that if you felt you needed to reach out to his wife in order to know the truth about MM and his marriage/separation, then, really, you already knew all you needed to know about MM. If you cant trust MM to tell you the real truth and going to his wife is the only way to know for sure, then you can't trust MM and that isn't the makings of a good relationship.

 

So, whether you realize it yet or not, you've take the first step toward admitting you really don't trust MM. Soon, you'll realize you don't want a man around that you can't trust. It doesn't even matter whether his wife replies to you or not, nor what she might say - YOU know that you cannot trust this man.

 

And for everyone who is all stressed about whether he gets upset about his privacy being so violated, or if this messes up his financial settlements in his supposed divorce, or whatever, MM brought this all on himself by lying about being divorced and involving Mombot in his marital drama, whatever it may be.

 

Since he chose to start a relationship through lies and deception, he should have considered there could be consequences. If he didn't want to deal with consequences, maybe he should have chosen a different path.

[Summer Breeze]

Mombot your future will depend on his past. If he's been honest with you and you find out he's been telling you the truth then you should quite easily be able to sort things out. If he's been lying to you and you've now 'outed' him then you'll see an indignant man coming to call and tossing you aside.

 

You did the right thing. I'd probably have sent it after talking to him but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter.

[Fieldsofgold]

I think it is horrible to invade someone's privacy, especially if you aren't married to them. Why not just leave him alone if you are that insecure?

 

When a man pursues me and establishes a relationship with me, inserting himself into my head, my heart, and/or between my legs, he has already gotten all up into MY privacy. So why is HIS privacy so sacred?

[oxfordsocks]

I am sorry that MM lied that he was Divorced. Big Lie to start out with, however. Getting involved in an affair when your whole life you have said how wrong this would be--and how the MM should be putting his tiime into his current relationship etc... time and marriage do show that life isn't always so black and white.

 

Questioning someones feelings about you when you know there is a secret that he is keeping would make anyone doubt. I have been there--wondering and wondering and to save my own sanity I had to make the contact.

 

I am glad that you (M) did that for yourself. Yes there is a risk, but it had to be done. I am not so sure that the doubt comes from seeing and reading all the stuff on here about MM--or your gut(which has proven me wrong is some instances) or the doubt in what you both feel for each other depending on where your at(the how can we both be so in love and feel this way--is it real--how can it be so wonderful stuff...)

I hope whatever happens you get to move forward in a way the you need to.