I sent her an email

[complicatedlife]

She replied- she said she did not believe me.

Based on her reply and the fact that he has no cell phone on his person, I'd say he did damage control and there's something fishy going on. Is that ALL she wrote in her reply - simply, "I don't believe you"?

[herenow]

Based on her reply and the fact that he has no cell phone on his person, I'd say he did damage control and there's something fishy going on. Is that ALL she wrote in her reply - simply, "I don't believe you"?

 

Good point. It's not so hard to believe that a man who has separated from his wife is seeing an OW. Did she say why she didn't believe you?

[jj33]

Mombot Im sorry to hear that.

 

I think you have your answer at least generally.

 

If she doesnt believe it and he doesnt carry a cell phone then its possible hes not even separated.

 

Did you ASK if they were separated or did you assume it in your email?

 

If you didnt ask, then they may still be married and she may not believe he is cheating.

 

If they are separated she may be hoping for reconciliation.

 

I would write her back and say he has told me that you are legally separated is that true?

 

At this point you have to ask for your own piece of mind because otherwise he can so easily come back and say she simply wont accept that the marriage is over. She hopes we will reconcile. And you will have NO idea whether or not that is true.

[Ellin]

Mombot, so actually nothing seems to be any clearer? How do you feel about it now?

[bentnotbroken]

She replied- she said she did not believe me.

 

Two thoughts:

 

1) she really did reply and doesn't believe you because he has already set the stage for this possibility

 

2) she didn't really reply, but he did.

 

Either way it's not looking like he is anything other than what he appeared to be when you posted at first.

what's your next move?

[Mombot]

WOW:eek: What now?

I have no idea, he did call me from work twice today. That is unusaul.

[herenow]

So sad for everyone involved.

[herenow]

I have no idea, he did call me from work twice today. That is unusaul.

 

Did you tell him about the email from his wife (or x, or whatever she is)?

[complicatedlife]

I have no idea, he did call me from work twice today. That is unusaul.

Yep - to see if you'd let him know without his prompting that you received an "answer"...sigh...

[herenow]

Yep - to see if you'd let him know without his prompting that you received an "answer"...sigh...

 

A very common MM tactic. Make the call and feel out the situation. Just like many MM call their BW's right before and after they talk to or see the OW. They want to make sure everything is status quo. Part of the game. If you aren't honest about what you are doing, you are playing the game as well.

[Fieldsofgold]

Ok, so I'm thinking that her response means that they are not *really* separated, other than by distance.

 

He is calling you twice today to see if there has been any further communication between the two of you, so he will know what kind of damage control he needs to do with her.

 

I, too, think it is not hard to imagine that he may have access to her email, BUT I think the reply was from his wife. If the reply was from him, he would have said they were separated and working on a divorce. Or something more favorable to him.

 

I would call her on the phone and ask her if they are really separated. Or write her a snail-mail.

 

Here is why I would not e-mail her again.

 

If he has access to her email, and now that he has been alerted that you sent her an email - he may be checking it/deleting/answering you (posing as her, of course) before she can. So I think e-mail communication is no longer reliable.

 

I think she wrote you back and I don't think they are really separated at all. I think he is probably working away from home because he will make more

money doing so, and she has agreed to it for the financial benefit.

 

I have a friend whose H is going to work in Australia for a year, and another whose H is working in Iraq for two years. At the end of that time, they will have made enough money to pay off all their bills/home/etc. So the wives are accepting it.

 

I think if he was really separated, he would have wanted to have an in-depth discussion with you about how you were feeling that caused you to send the email, and how can he reasure you/prove to you that he is really on the straight up with you.

 

The absence of a lengthy discussion about it tells me he KNOWS why you sent the email - because he isn't separated - and the less he says about it, the better for him.

 

I think the only remaining question is whether you want to be OW or not.

Edited July 26, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Mombot]

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe she likes the separation the way it is. Maybe she prefers not to know.

[herenow]

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe she likes the separation the way it is. Maybe she prefers not to know.

 

Did you get confirmation that they are separated?

[Fieldsofgold]

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe she likes the separation the way it is. Maybe she prefers not to know.

 

I think she may really trust and believe in him. She probably thinks you are some lying female trying to start trouble for him.

[Fieldsofgold]

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe she likes the separation the way it is. Maybe she prefers not to know.

 

I think she may really trust and believe in him. She probably thinks you are some lying female trying to start trouble for him.

 

It does not sound like they are truly separated, and it doesn't sound like she is planning to leave him, or him her.

[complicatedlife]

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe she likes the separation the way it is. Maybe she prefers not to know.

Suggestions:

1. My BF was legally separated because a "legal" separation is required in his state...if he is truly LEGALLY separated, request to see the document; problem solved.

2. If he is separated as a "verbal agreement" between he and his wife, he can talk to her on the phone right in front of you; if he hasn't done that yet, I suggest you ask him to do so...and to bring up a conversation about the separation while he is on the phone with her. You should be able to tell A LOT from that. My BF talked with his ex many, many times in front of me without my asking to him do so - he would say to me, "The ex is calling - do you mind if I pick up in case it's about the kids?" Now, I didn't need this as evidence of anything because he had a legal document, but had he NOT had one, those conversations were very telling.

3. He can show you some separation/divorce negotiating terms from his attorney via email- look at the dates carefully.

 

If he can't do ANY of these, trust and believe they are still together; take it from a fOW and do it ASAP for your peace of mind!!

Edited July 26, 2010 by complicatedlife
clarification

[Fieldsofgold]

Suggestions:

1. My BF was legally separated because a "legal" separation is required in his state...if he is truly LEGALLY separated, request to see the document; problem solved.

2. If he is separated as a "verbal agreement" between he and his wife, he can talk to her on the phone right in front of you; if he hasn't done that yet, I suggest you ask him to do so...and to bring up a conversation about the separation while he is on the phone with her. You should be able to tell A LOT from that. My BF talked with his ex many, many times in front of me without my asking to him do so - he would say to me, "The ex is calling - do you mind if I pick up in case it's about the kids?" Now, I didn't need this as evidence of anything because he had a legal document, but had he NOT had one, those conversations were very telling.

3. He can show you some separation/divorce negotiating terms from his attorney via email- look at the dates carefully.

 

If he can't do ANY of these, trust and believe they are still together; take it from a fOW and do it ASAP for your peace of mind!!

 

Excellent advice.

 

One word of caution on the phone call. Be very sure he really is talking to his wife.

 

And -- my H used to "stage" phone conversations with me when his OW was with him. What he was saying on his end of the phone did not even remotely match what I was saying to him. There were some pretty bizarre conversations! Unless your MM is on speakerphone and you KNOW he is talking to his wife, it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

[complicatedlife]

Excellent advice.

 

One word of caution on the phone call. Be very sure he really is talking to his wife.

 

And -- my H used to "stage" phone conversations with me when his OW was with him. What he was saying on his end of the phone did not even remotely match what I was saying to him. There were some pretty bizarre conversations! Unless your MM is on speakerphone and you KNOW he is talking to his wife, it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Good point - totally forgot to add that it must be on speakerphone!

[GreenEyedLady]

Suggestions:

1. My BF was legally separated because a "legal" separation is required in his state...if he is truly LEGALLY separated, request to see the document; problem solved.

2. If he is separated as a "verbal agreement" between he and his wife, he can talk to her on the phone right in front of you; if he hasn't done that yet, I suggest you ask him to do so...and to bring up a conversation about the separation while he is on the phone with her. You should be able to tell A LOT from that. My BF talked with his ex many, many times in front of me without my asking to him do so - he would say to me, "The ex is calling - do you mind if I pick up in case it's about the kids?" Now, I didn't need this as evidence of anything because he had a legal document, but had he NOT had one, those conversations were very telling.

3. He can show you some separation/divorce negotiating terms from his attorney via email- look at the dates carefully.

 

If he can't do ANY of these, trust and believe they are still together; take it from a fOW and do it ASAP for your peace of mind!!

 

Why even bother with any of these?

 

It's a new R and he has said he doesn't want anything serious.

 

She is ALREADY busting into his email because she can't trust him and cannot communicate with him.

 

Who wants to live like that? She's not the BS. BS's don't even want to live that, but feel they have to verify to build trust. Why START a R knowing you'll have to verify everything and you can't trust a word the person says?

 

That's not a R. That's a prison sentence with a warden.

 

I say take it as a lesson learned. Intimacy is developed when people communicate and trust each other. That is not happening here and I don't see it ever happening because both of the participants do not really communicate with each other and don't know how.

 

I don't know if he's separated or not but Mombot apparently doesn't think he is, so she should go with that. Stop the drama right now and don't contact him anymore. Don't take his calls, move on. And don't email her again. Block her. I am with FOG that if he had emailed as his W he would have said they were getting divorced. I don't think her answer is real reliable either due to what other posters have said they told the OW in their stitch, too. Maybe she wants to mess up any R he tries to have with someone else.

 

(A little personal experience: after I left my H, he told me he busted into my email. He accused me of having an A with one of my professors. I told him he was nuts. Maybe he was making it up, I never saw said email and never dated one of my professors ever, much less separated. However, when people are left they do crazy stuff, so who knows what she might be doing/thinking too.)

 

He doesn't want to be serious and you do. That right there should be enough to tell you this isn't the R that you need.

 

Like and love are two different things. You said previous you like him. Do you like him enough to keep snooping around and driving yourself crazy with: is he separated or not?

 

I, like FOG, think you need counseling. Not meant rude or anything but I think it will seriously help. You are all over the place on this one and for what?

 

It is not a long term relationship and you are in "like" with him. And unless you're ready to have a R with a married man, does it really matter if he's separated or not? I see that as the real question here. And one you need to answer yourself.

 

GEL

Edited July 27, 2010 by GreenEyedLady

[Mimolicious]

Co-sign GEL's post.

 

 

But let's take few steps back. When Mombot contacted her, according to what she told us, she said very little.

 

 

As for what I said, I said that there's another woman in the picture and thought she should know, and that was about it.

 

 

 

I just thought you should know I really like him and am seeing him. My conscious told me to.

 

 

Sounds a bit incosistent, one and two what you said at first " there is another wome" you were not exactly identifying yourself as that woman but then you tell her that you are seeing him??!! Sounds suspect to me. Now his wife replies with another one liner? With all due respect Mombot, did you really email his W or you are just trying to get reactions on LS to actually go through with it?

 

If in fact, you did email... It's not like your email was informative. You threw a simple hook to see if she took the bait. You didn't say "Dear my MM's W, I am such and such and I am leading an A with your H. We met here, been together since and blah, blah, blah". Your original email sounds like a prank! Why should she feed into it? Not every W is the frustrated, miserable, boring person these MM make them out to be. She probably got better things to do than to feed into an email that sounds bogus.

 

Or

 

She is probably doing to you exactly what you did to her. Throw you a hook to irk you so then you can ditch out all the dirt. I'm just saying...

Edited July 27, 2010 by Mimolicious

[Fieldsofgold]

Co-sign GEL's post.

 

But let's take few steps back. When Mombot contacted her, according to what she told us, she said very little.

 

Sounds a bit incosistent, one and two what you said at first " there is another wome" you were not exactly identifying yourself as that woman but then you tell her that you are seeing him??!! Sounds suspect to me. Now his wife replies with another one liner? With all due respect Mombot, did you really email his W or you are just trying to get reactions on LS to actually go through with it?

 

If in fact, you did email... It's not like your email was informative. You threw a simple hook to see if she took the bait. You didn't say "Dear my MM's W, I am such and such and I am leading an A with your H. We met here, been together since and blah, blah, blah". Your original email sounds like a prank! Why should she feed into it? Not every W is the frustrated, miserable, boring person these MM make them out to be. She probably got better things to do than to feed into an email that sounds bogus.

 

Or

 

She is probably doing to you exactly what you did to her. Throw you a hook to irk you so then you can ditch out all the dirt. I'm just saying...

 

What Mimo and Gel said!!

[2sunny]

he's married! not only that but most likely he's planning a vacation with his wife in August and KNOWS he won't be available while he's in front of his wife. he won't be available to call and woo you - i mean tell you all those lies he hopes you will believe.

 

did you email the wife back? did you tell her that he's visiting you at that very moment?

 

obviously, she believes her husband wouldn't cheat on her. he's a dork.

 

i'm really sorry Mombot. you deserve much better in a man than this.

[Mombot]

I have not heard anything else from her. I know he did call her supposedly something about their son and his family's vacation (Is that called damage control?) before he called me.

My posts aren't that long, and neither are my emails. I am really not interested in giving details, but I put it out there and I've gotten ho-hum from him and I don't believe you from her.

On another note, I am not a troll or some of those other weird things people put on my threads. I know I am quite attractive and don't look like a troll at all.

[2sunny]

She replied- she said she did not believe me.

 

I have no idea, he did call me from work twice today. That is unusaul.

 

Mombot -

 

 

give the info - and let others help. what the heck did he say - since he called TWICE today. what were his exact words when he called?

 

have you explained to him that his wife responded and it appears she thinks they are still married?

 

come on, quit playing games and tell the whole deal... or no one is going to believe you are anything but a random troll. one line of info is never any use.

Edited July 29, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sunny]

I have not heard anything else from her. I know he did call her supposedly something about their son and his family's vacation (Is that called damage control?) before he called me.

My posts aren't that long, and neither are my emails. I am really not interested in giving details, but I put it out there and I've gotten ho-hum from him and I don't believe you from her.

On another note, I am not a troll or some of those other weird things people put on my threads. I know I am quite attractive and don't look like a troll at all.

 

did you tell him about his wife's response? if so, what did he say?

 

he's obviously married. what are you going to do now? have you told him to shove off?