I sent her an email

[Mimolicious]

I think people are rather volitile today, so I guess I will keep my short sentences to myself.

 

Not "volitile" but rather sucker-free. We are not kids and we actually pay attention and spend time trying to communicate and support one another. Heck! even fight with one another. You can search on your own thread and see that perhaps you have participated the least. That makes me and some other LS'ers think that you are actually fooling us or simply sparking things up. What is called a "troll".

 

Everyone here has contributed their opinion and suggestions to you and we can basically hear *crickets*.

[complicatedlife]

I am not sure what a troll is.

Troll- One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.

 

From the Urban Dictionary.

[complicatedlife]

Google it.

:lmao::lmao:

[jwi71]

Can we let this thread die already?

 

Neeeexxxxxtttt thread please.....

[White Flower]

I think people are rather volitile today, so I guess I will keep my short sentences to myself.

I for one feel I have been helpful toward you so I'll be the first to suggest you read the TOS AND advise you that when you start a thread it is usual practice to think upon it as your space, your forum. You are the host and you make sure everybody has a drink in their hand, like you would if you were throwing a party in your house. That way, we know you're serious about having us in your home and we know that our well-thought words are taken just as seriously.

[bentnotbroken]

Tellin doesn't always set you free.

 

 

Especially when you don't wan to be free.

[2sunny]

I think people are rather volitile today, so I guess I will keep my short sentences to myself.

 

i haven't seen volatile on your thread.

 

you have been less than forthcoming in YOUR input and offered information... thus, no one can help you. you are just not believable.

 

you are your own worst enemy here - as YOU started this thread.

 

do as you wish - if you add nothing to YOUR own thread - you will get nothing offered.

 

there are MANY people here to be helpful. you haven't made use of any one who is offering to help by remaining so silent with your info and experience with your situation.

 

silent gets nothing... so what did you expect to get from all this? did you expect to get something when you aren't even willing to participate? it is just meaningless. you are wasting our effort and energy here - i'm not wasting anything more in your threads unless you offer solid, detailed information that pertains to YOU, your MM and his W that is necessary for this situation to move forward.

[Mombot]

I don't really know much about the W- she's a nurse, is almost retirement age, about 12 years older than I am. I have seen a couple of pictures- alright looking. She might be a nice woman, I don't know. I have heard her just scream at him on the phone for buying something he wanted. He doesn't really discuss her much. He talks a lot about his kids and grandkids,

I have known him for 6 years and been seeing him for 2. He was here in town 6 months of the year and we would meet up for vacations all over the country. His friends all know me. I don't think she knows them much.

It really bothers me when he told me he was separated but not divorced.

I looked it up on line and there is a legal separation filed since 1999. That was a pretty huge lie. I also think that if he's been separated that long, looks unlikely to me that he will ever be 100 percent available, but at least I know now he is really separated. Now I'm sure Dexter pr someone will jump in here and say he is bound to her, and I don't know what I'll think of that.

Today he said he didn't give a damn if his son and the family were there or not, he'd call me or see me. I had told him I did not like to be outed when he had family things, He knows everyone in my family, we go over to the inland about 250 miles away to see my dad and sisters, they all know him. I'm not that big of a secret in a lot of ways.

[BB07]

I for one feel I have been helpful toward you so I'll be the first to suggest you read the TOS AND advise you that when you start a thread it is usual practice to think upon it as your space, your forum. You are the host and you make sure everybody has a drink in their hand, like you would if you were throwing a party in your house. That way, we know you're serious about having us in your home and we know that our well-thought words are taken just as seriously.

 

Love this post WF.........thumbs up.

[BB07]

I don't really know much about the W- she's a nurse, is almost retirement age, about 12 years older than I am. I have seen a couple of pictures- alright looking. She might be a nice woman, I don't know. I have heard her just scream at him on the phone for buying something he wanted. He doesn't really discuss her much. He talks a lot about his kids and grandkids,

I have known him for 6 years and been seeing him for 2. He was here in town 6 months of the year and we would meet up for vacations all over the country. His friends all know me. I don't think she knows them much.

It really bothers me when he told me he was separated but not divorced.

I looked it up on line and there is a legal separation filed since 1999. That was a pretty huge lie. I also think that if he's been separated that long, looks unlikely to me that he will ever be 100 percent available, but at least I know now he is really separated. Now I'm sure Dexter pr someone will jump in here and say he is bound to her, and I don't know what I'll think of that.

Today he said he didn't give a damn if his son and the family were there or not, he'd call me or see me. I had told him I did not like to be outed when he had family things, He knows everyone in my family, we go over to the inland about 250 miles away to see my dad and sisters, they all know him. I'm not that big of a secret in a lot of ways.

 

Holy ****e.....that's the most we've ever gotten from you mombot, wth , why couldn't you take the time to type it out before?

 

Will comment tomorrow......

[2sunny]

I don't really know much about the W- she's a nurse, is almost retirement age, about 12 years older than I am. I have seen a couple of pictures- alright looking. She might be a nice woman, I don't know. I have heard her just scream at him on the phone for buying something he wanted. He doesn't really discuss her much. He talks a lot about his kids and grandkids,

I have known him for 6 years and been seeing him for 2. He was here in town 6 months of the year and we would meet up for vacations all over the country. His friends all know me. I don't think she knows them much.

It really bothers me when he told me he was separated but not divorced.

I looked it up on line and there is a legal separation filed since 1999. That was a pretty huge lie. I also think that if he's been separated that long, looks unlikely to me that he will ever be 100 percent available, but at least I know now he is really separated. Now I'm sure Dexter pr someone will jump in here and say he is bound to her, and I don't know what I'll think of that.

Today he said he didn't give a damn if his son and the family were there or not, he'd call me or see me. I had told him I did not like to be outed when he had family things, He knows everyone in my family, we go over to the inland about 250 miles away to see my dad and sisters, they all know him. I'm not that big of a secret in a lot of ways.

 

i can see why you may be confused about him. there are contradictions in his words and actions everywhere. he's supposedly separated - but obviously there are contradictions if she yells at him for spending money. he either spent on something he shouldn't have and/or they still have their money together. either way if he's separated - he still answers to her as if they are married - and they are still married.

 

he's had papers filed for more than ten years. he MAY be separated - but i would think that if it's not happened yet - it's never likely to happen anytime soon. his friends may know you - that's easy since he's been saying he's separated - but technically he's still married, and it's not looking like that's going to change soon. have you asked him point blank when his divorce is to be finalized?

 

he also contradicted himself by saying he wouldn't call or see you while family was there - now he changed his mind. so which is the one he will honor? why the change? what to believe of him? i don't like to be with a man that even makes me wonder.

 

you are the secret in some ways though - because he told you he wouldn't correspond while they were with him. why is he contradicting? why wouldn't he call? why leave you out if he's been involved for two years? is it possible he has more than one OW? it happens often enough to wonder. if he's away from home for 6 months at a time - he may be seeing others too. the OOW may be the one present with his family time planned. not trying to upset you - but just pointing out some obvious things you need to ask yourself and your MM. how old are his kids? did he now invite you to attend their gatherings? if not, why not? you have been seeing him 2 years so why not participate IF his wife has been sidelined for 11 years by now?

 

ask him all these questions point blank... and be very silent while he answers. listen carefully to what info he gives.

 

you could still be in this same position 20 or 30 years from now IF YOU let it continue this way - are you ok with settling for that?

[White Flower]

I don't really know much about the W- she's a nurse, is almost retirement age, about 12 years older than I am. I have seen a couple of pictures- alright looking. She might be a nice woman, I don't know. I have heard her just scream at him on the phone for buying something he wanted. He doesn't really discuss her much. He talks a lot about his kids and grandkids,

I have known him for 6 years and been seeing him for 2. He was here in town 6 months of the year and we would meet up for vacations all over the country. His friends all know me. I don't think she knows them much.

It really bothers me when he told me he was separated but not divorced.

I looked it up on line and there is a legal separation filed since 1999. That was a pretty huge lie. I also think that if he's been separated that long, looks unlikely to me that he will ever be 100 percent available, but at least I know now he is really separated. Now I'm sure Dexter pr someone will jump in here and say he is bound to her, and I don't know what I'll think of that.

Today he said he didn't give a damn if his son and the family were there or not, he'd call me or see me. I had told him I did not like to be outed when he had family things, He knows everyone in my family, we go over to the inland about 250 miles away to see my dad and sisters, they all know him. I'm not that big of a secret in a lot of ways.

I wonder what makes him not take the separation all the way and I also wonder why he needs to cut you off during the 'family' visit?

 

Ask him about these two things and see where you get. Then go from there.

 

The enduring separation maaaay have something to do with tax bennies. If so, how do you feel about that? IDK, having a W (you) who DOESN'T WORK (do you work?) may very well serve his financial purposes just fine or even better. Communication is key here.

 

Love this post WF.........thumbs up.

Thanks BB.

[2sunny]

if you've been seeing him for two years and you can't talk to him and be completely honest - something isn't right between you two.

 

if you can't get his truth - or feel as if you don't... then you really have nothing from the relationship as a basis to work from.

 

for me, it's never worth it to wonder where his honesty may lie. i don't enjoy wonder where a man's integrity is. it takes away my peace of mind and i don't allow that... anymore.

[Hazyhead]

 

for me, it's never worth it to wonder where his honesty may lie. i don't enjoy wonder where a man's integrity is. it takes away my peace of mind and i don't allow that... anymore.

 

This is key, and i think the reason for you posting in the first place. When you aren't quite sure if your partner is telling the truth, it messes up your feeling of security, causes you to doubt so much.

 

His situation now sounds a little less dubious than before. Mombot, have you asked him outright why he's still not dicorced? I think he owes you some answers.

[jj33]

I don't really know much about the W- she's a nurse, is almost retirement age, about 12 years older than I am. I have seen a couple of pictures- alright looking. She might be a nice woman, I don't know. I have heard her just scream at him on the phone for buying something he wanted. He doesn't really discuss her much. He talks a lot about his kids and grandkids,

I have known him for 6 years and been seeing him for 2. He was here in town 6 months of the year and we would meet up for vacations all over the country. His friends all know me. I don't think she knows them much.

It really bothers me when he told me he was separated but not divorced.

I looked it up on line and there is a legal separation filed since 1999. That was a pretty huge lie. I also think that if he's been separated that long, looks unlikely to me that he will ever be 100 percent available, but at least I know now he is really separated. Now I'm sure Dexter pr someone will jump in here and say he is bound to her, and I don't know what I'll think of that.

Today he said he didn't give a damn if his son and the family were there or not, he'd call me or see me. I had told him I did not like to be outed when he had family things, He knows everyone in my family, we go over to the inland about 250 miles away to see my dad and sisters, they all know him. I'm not that big of a secret in a lot of ways.

 

Did you know about the bolded part before you emailed her?

 

I suspect you have known that for some time.

 

IF you did, then you had your answer. He is separated and doesnt plan on divorcing.

 

So what was the point of your email other than to tell this woman to step aside (when she is ready to retire) because its your turn now?

 

If we had known that you knew that, I suspect the advice would have been much different.

 

Seems to me you were simply trying to manipulate the situation. Trying to force a divorce when that is apparently not what either of them want.

 

If they wanted to finalize the divorce they would have.

 

Seems to me you were (as some of us suspected) WAY out of line.

[Ms. Red]

Mombot,

 

I have been physically separated from my husband since the middle of 2006. I checked into filing for a legal separation and the filing fee was the exact same as the divorce fee at the courts. So, I said eff that and haven't pursued it. I've recently decided that I never will file for divorce. I have a great financial professional who has protected me and assured me my finances are protected from my husband who owes back taxes and is talking about filing bankruptcy for outstanding bills and debts. I had to struggle to pay bills and run the household while he was here and he always blew his check on his "toys" first thing on payday and would worry about bills later. So I'll be damned if I'm gonna pony up the money for our divorce. And, if my husband continues on his irresponsible ways, he will never file.

 

He has been seeing a married woman for some time now (possibly 2 years, can't remember) and if he gave a damn about his son, he wouldn't be seeing her or at least hide her from our son. When we first split, our son said he preferred that we didn't date anyone else until we were divorced. I know we can choose to date anyway, but what I'm saying this for is that some parents do actually care what their kids think. I've heard of some with a divorce final and they are hesitant to let their kids know they have a new SO in their life. Your guy may be doing just that. I do feel that 2 years is a long time to drag that on though.

 

I just want you to know that some ppl that are separated do date and develop deep feelings for others and the other spouse knows and doesn't care. I don't believe it always has to be divorce or nothing. I would be angry about him lying to you about being divorced though. I wonder though, maybe he's just resolved to call it that? Maybe it just comes out that way? I mean, 11 years is a long time to be separated. I recently had 2 friends in on a 3-way chat and I mentioned my husband about something to one of the ppl in the chat. And, my other friend sent me a separate message and said, "He was NO husband to you. Why do you still call him that?" I told him because that's what he is....my husband. I would feel wrong saying X-husband. But after that chat, I did consider it for a couple days. Because except for the piece of paper, I feel totally emotionally, physically, and financially divorced from him.

 

I hope some of this helps you. The thing that I think you should consider the most is why he doesn't share you with his family. You really need to discuss that with him and let him know how that makes you feel. It's like you are a secret or that he's ashamed of you. I wish you well.

[BB07]

I don't really know much about the W- she's a nurse, is almost retirement age, about 12 years older than I am. I have seen a couple of pictures- alright looking. She might be a nice woman, I don't know. I have heard her just scream at him on the phone for buying something he wanted. He doesn't really discuss her much. He talks a lot about his kids and grandkids,

I have known him for 6 years and been seeing him for 2. He was here in town 6 months of the year and we would meet up for vacations all over the country. His friends all know me. I don't think she knows them much.

It really bothers me when he told me he was separated but not divorced.

I looked it up on line and there is a legal separation filed since 1999. That was a pretty huge lie. I also think that if he's been separated that long, looks unlikely to me that he will ever be 100 percent available, but at least I know now he is really separated. Now I'm sure Dexter pr someone will jump in here and say he is bound to her, and I don't know what I'll think of that.

Today he said he didn't give a damn if his son and the family were there or not, he'd call me or see me. I had told him I did not like to be outed when he had family things, He knows everyone in my family, we go over to the inland about 250 miles away to see my dad and sisters, they all know him. I'm not that big of a secret in a lot of ways.

 

 

Of course he isn't going to discuss her much and who knows why she was yelling and screaming at him, she may have had a damn good reason.

 

There is still something very odd about him lying to you about the divorce that wasn't a divorce. Also........just because he got a legal separation in 1999 doesn't mean squat, I'm sorry to say, there is some huge reason that they didn't go on and get a divorce, the cynical part of me says that they are one of those off and on couples who reconcile, then break apart, reconcile again. That could certainly explain why they have never taken it to the next logical step.

 

Has it occurred to you that one reason that the divorce never happened is because (assuming they really have been apart all these years is because he very much wants it that way, it gives him an OUT. Any woman he has dated over those years, if they start to get to close, he can always tell a big lie and say.....oh you know how I thought that witch of my wife got the divorce......well she didn't.

 

Don't assume......that he would not be that devious, he has already proved he is a lair and devious is not a stretch at all.

 

This just has disaster written all over it Mombot. I'm sorry but it does. He lied, you have lousy communication with him. For some reason you are all over the place about him in not admitting that you love him, because to admit it, then you've had to accept that he IS playing you for a fool.

 

I'm sorry hon.......but move on.

[Dexter Morgan]

Today he said he didn't give a damn if his son and the family were there or not, he'd call me or see me. I had told him I did not like to be outed when he had family things

 

you have got to be kidding?? its HIS FAMILY!! You expect him to cater to you and put you over his family? Get real lady.

 

Now its very obvious your "email" wasn't intended to inform...it was intended to stick a knife in the wife's chest because you are throwing a tantrum that he is putting his kids before you.

[complicatedlife]

If you live in the US-

 

This is actually an insult to my profession. Ms. Red with all due respect, this doesn't hold much true in the court of law. If you are still legally binded and with no legal separation in place nothing really separates your finances if it came down to it, the law doesn't care if you are physically separeted unless you make it official. A legal separation puts a freeze on marital assets and you don't have one, right?

I'm not an attorney or an accountant, but this I know is true in the state my BF and I live in - extended physical separation I believe is called a separation "de facto", meaning that though the court will recognize that the parties consider/recognize themselves as being separated, you still need a "legal" separation in place to separate the finances and freeze the assets.

[Fieldsofgold]

Nor am I an attorney, BUT in my state, if he went back to his wife for one night - one night - the legal separation is void and would have to be re-filed.

 

But why are you putting yourself through this - you admire the guy but you're not Jennie-Jennie, who is deeply, deeply in love, or Fallen Angel, or White Flower. (Or others. But these, I know their stories.)

 

I seriously, seriously believe you need counselling.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[GreenEyedLady]

Look up posts by TogetherForever. Her MM took like 10 years I think before he actually filed for D even though they were separated. He never went back to his W and lived with TF. I think he filed for D finally sometime last year. You should look her up.

 

GEL

[Mombot]

I'll do that, thanks

[Mombot]

I used one of those pay sites that provides documents- it's not like I can run down to the courthouse where she is. No, I hadn't done it before. I has told him I did not want to be outed communication wise when he had family there, so he said he would not do that again, the hell with them, We will see on that count.

 

I think he may never go any further than separation, and I think it has many layers as to why, probably money.

I have an ordinary job and he has a house, land, cabins, and a farm.

[Ms. Red]

I used one of those pay sites that provides documents- it's not like I can run down to the courthouse where she is. No, I hadn't done it before. I has told him I did not want to be outed communication wise when he had family there, so he said he would not do that again, the hell with them, We will see on that count.

 

I think he may never go any further than separation, and I think it has many layers as to why, probably money.

I have an ordinary job and he has a house, land, cabins, and a farm.

 

 

Yeah, if he's been 11 years separated there's a reason for not going further. I gave you my example in my post. You have to decide if that's something you can live with.

 

I also wonder why you don't point blank ask him about it. But I don't see why it matters because if you've been dating for 2 years and only have feelings for him or like him, (as you post here) why are you still hanging in there? If you don't feel love at this point then it probably isn't going to happen.

 

I wonder why it matters about his marital status (to you) if you don't have marriage as an end result. And if you do have marriage as an end result, why would you if you don't love him?

[White Flower]

Look up posts by TogetherForever. Her MM took like 10 years I think before he actually filed for D even though they were separated. He never went back to his W and lived with TF. I think he filed for D finally sometime last year. You should look her up.

 

GEL

And she is the one I can remember who recently posted that he was finally bringing her around family and introducing her as the woman in his life.