I sent her an email

[Angel1111]

My daughter told me she thought I should keep seeing him- she said she thought I was happier than I have ever been. She said she was thinking about calling him- she said separated is fine, and she and her husband really like him.

 

Someone told me once that when xMM and I saw one another, we both lit up like xmas trees. The happy energy between us was contagious and could be felt all over the office. But it was only my xmas tree that was lit up when I was spending xmas alone and he was spending it with his wife and kids. I wasn't real lit up either when he'd come to town and then leave again.

 

These relationships where you're a hidden secret and treated like an "insignificant other" will ultimately kill you. Your daughter is only remembering the good stuff. That kept me hooked for a long time but now I can only think about how stupid I was to ever have let myself get sucked into that relationship.

[Silly_Girl]

My daughter told me she thought I should keep seeing him- she said she thought I was happier than I have ever been. She said she was thinking about calling him- she said separated is fine, and she and her husband really like him.

 

She's not the one being dropped and picked up like a hobby.

 

It amazes me the difference between what our loved ones see, and the reality.

 

Must be hard to hard to hear that though, Mombot?

[Silly_Girl]

Someone told me once that when xMM and I saw one another, we both lit up like xmas trees. The happy energy between us was contagious and could be felt all over the office. But it was only my xmas tree that was lit up when I was spending xmas alone and he was spending it with his wife and kids. I wasn't real lit up either when he'd come to town and then leave again.

 

These relationships where you're a hidden secret and treated like an "insignificant other" will ultimately kill you. Your daughter is only remembering the good stuff. That kept me hooked for a long time but now I can only think about how stupid I was to ever have let myself get sucked into that relationship.

 

Went to couples counselling when in an abusive relationship. We talked of the many, many times people, including random strangers in pubs and at parties, had told us how very close and 'in synch' we seemed.

 

Apparently it was due to us being co-conspirators in our co-dependent unhealthy relationship. Maybe an A has a similar effect...

[Mombot]

I'm still going on my personal hideaway and think this through.

Not too pleased that hot man was not man.

[Angel1111]

Went to couples counselling when in an abusive relationship. We talked of the many, many times people, including random strangers in pubs and at parties, had told us how very close and 'in synch' we seemed.

 

Apparently it was due to us being co-conspirators in our co-dependent unhealthy relationship. Maybe an A has a similar effect...

 

Probably. I heard similar comments when I was married to a verbally abusive guy. I think you're right - a co-conspirator thing. I'm sorry you were in a relationship like that.

 

Even though xMM was a kind man, the situation with a MM felt like abuse in some ways because it hurt me so many times. I think that once I decide that I actually deserve real happiness, I'll find it. Maybe that's the way it is for all of us.

[Angel1111]

I'm still going on my personal hideaway and think this through.

Not too pleased that hot man was not man.

 

Mr. 'little lady' is just one guy, one coffee. Next!

 

Run away from home and have a good time....little lady.

[White Flower]

I'm still going on my personal hideaway and think this through.

Not too pleased that hot man was not man.

LOL, you are too funny.

 

Sorry it didn't work out this time. Keep trying. Heck, I'm talking to MM and still meeting new guys. Time is short! And when you don't know your future is secure, for sure, you just can't waste time.

[whichwayisup]

My daughter told me she thought I should keep seeing him- she said she thought I was happier than I have ever been. She said she was thinking about calling him- she said separated is fine, and she and her husband really like him.

 

Your daughter better NOT call him. It's not her place to get involved like that.

 

Does she know the lies he's told you? Does she know how he's hurt you?

 

She sees the good stuff, not the sad/bad stuff you go through. Maybe let her in abit so she can decide if she wants her mom with a MM who is indecisive and selfish.

[TinaniT]

Went to couples counselling when in an abusive relationship. We talked of the many, many times people, including random strangers in pubs and at parties, had told us how very close and 'in synch' we seemed.

 

Oh my! Same thing here with my ex husband.

 

We were the "perfect couple"

Probably because I never stood up to him. And he is one of the most charismatic men you will ever meet. Everybody just loves him.

He entertained lots of women and showed me the emails from women about how lucky I am and how they would do anything to be with him. If only they knew!

[White Flower]

Your daughter better NOT call him. It's not her place to get involved like that.

 

Does she know the lies he's told you? Does she know how he's hurt you?

 

She sees the good stuff, not the sad/bad stuff you go through. Maybe let her in abit so she can decide if she wants her mom with a MM who is indecisive and selfish.

Maybe she can interced on your behalf and remind him of your standards and that he should do the right thing by both women AND himself.

[2sunny]

Someone told me once that when xMM and I saw one another, we both lit up like xmas trees. The happy energy between us was contagious and could be felt all over the office. But it was only my xmas tree that was lit up when I was spending xmas alone and he was spending it with his wife and kids. I wasn't real lit up either when he'd come to town and then leave again.

 

These relationships where you're a hidden secret and treated like an "insignificant other" will ultimately kill you. Your daughter is only remembering the good stuff. That kept me hooked for a long time but now I can only think about how stupid I was to ever have let myself get sucked into that relationship.

 

at times - the energy is felt by others because a MM is trying so much harder to make up for all the bad things he's done along the way - he's willing to put forth more positive energy once he's in your presence. others notice the heightened energy surge... the secrecy just adds fuel to that fire. which is all still a lie and a game - a game i don't want to play.

 

still never makes up for all the bad though.

[Angel1111]

at times - the energy is felt by others because a MM is trying so much harder to make up for all the bad things he's done along the way - he's willing to put forth more positive energy once he's in your presence. others notice the heightened energy surge... the secrecy just adds fuel to that fire. which is all still a lie and a game - a game i don't want to play.

 

still never makes up for all the bad though.

 

We were just genuinely happy to see one another. We still 'like' one another quite a bit. It took me a long time to understand that the great love we had didn't make any difference. You're right, it didn't make up for all the bad stuff.

[Mombot]

I liked the term lie-dar from another post. I will see how I feel Monday when I get back, maybe I should tell him again that I did not appreciate being dissed yet again. But maybe NC will feel better. He knows the right thing to do. He just has made a choice not to do it for whatever reason.

But my daughter is right, I was happy until I found out about this long never finished separation.

[Ellin]

I liked the term lie-dar from another post. I will see how I feel Monday when I get back, maybe I should tell him again that I did not appreciate being dissed yet again. But maybe NC will feel better. He knows the right thing to do. He just has made a choice not to do it for whatever reason.

But my daughter is right, I was happy until I found out about this long never finished separation.

He shouldn't have lied to you. I can understand him being scared of losing you, but it's hard to defend his actions here. No wonder you are wary of everything he says now.

 

But if it's indeed true that he's legally separated and has a good reason to delay the D (health insurance is a good reason), then that's a good start if you want to work things out. Personally, if it was me in the situation, I would probably try to understand that when he's with his children/family, he should just concentrate on them and demanding he call me while in the middle of it would look confrontational and like a power struggle. That is not the way to go in a romantic R.

 

The crucial point is, can you still trust and believe him and are you willing to give it your best shot? If so, you need to have an honest conversation, but again, not confrontational, "I'm so annyed, if you don't do this, I'm history". Just tell him exactly what hurts you about the situation, how it makes you feel. Open up without blaming him or being defensive and this might give him a chance to open up to you. If he does, listen carefully and try to imagine yourself in his position.

 

Tell him exactly what you want your R to be like and find out if he can see a way to make it such or maybe you can negotiate something that will be acceptable to both of you.

 

I'm not sure what it is that makes you so upset and I'm not trying to dismiss it but I believe that when we are a certain age we mostly meet people who already have other obligation and responsibilities, especially towards children and other family members, and we have to make accommodations for that. Expecting that such person will drop everything for us is unrealistic and perhaps a bit selfish.

 

I just want to make sure that you don't throw away something that maybe has a potential to make you happy in future, without trying your best. If it fails, then at least you won't look back and regret not having done something.

 

But if you cannot trust him or are too upset to try sorting it out, then don't. You know what's best for you.

[lolapalooza]

He shouldn't have lied to you. I can understand him being scared of losing you, but it's hard to defend his actions here. No wonder you are wary of everything he says now.

 

But if it's indeed true that he's legally separated and has a good reason to delay the D (health insurance is a good reason), then that's a good start if you want to work things out. Personally, if it was me in the situation, I would probably try to understand that when he's with his children/family, he should just concentrate on them and demanding he call me while in the middle of it would look confrontational and like a power struggle. That is not the way to go in a romantic R.

 

The crucial point is, can you still trust and believe him and are you willing to give it your best shot? If so, you need to have an honest conversation, but again, not confrontational, "I'm so annyed, if you don't do this, I'm history". Just tell him exactly what hurts you about the situation, how it makes you feel. Open up without blaming him or being defensive and this might give him a chance to open up to you. If he does, listen carefully and try to imagine yourself in his position.

 

Tell him exactly what you want your R to be like and find out if he can see a way to make it such or maybe you can negotiate something that will be acceptable to both of you.

 

I'm not sure what it is that makes you so upset and I'm not trying to dismiss it but I believe that when we are a certain age we mostly meet people who already have other obligation and responsibilities, especially towards children and other family members, and we have to make accommodations for that. Expecting that such person will drop everything for us is unrealistic and perhaps a bit selfish.

 

I just want to make sure that you don't throw away something that maybe has a potential to make you happy in future, without trying your best. If it fails, then at least you won't look back and regret not having done something.

 

But if you cannot trust him or are too upset to try sorting it out, then don't. You know what's best for you.

Surely you're not saying that it's ok for MM to put a monetary item such as health insurance in front of Mombot! Maybe you haven't read all of Mombot's threads where she has explained that MM has the means (wealth) to buy health insurance. He chooses not to. He chooses to stay attached to his wife for this monetary benefit over his relationship with Mombot. This might be ok if the man was struggling financially, but he is not. (If he was struggling financially, he would probably be less appealing to Mombot anyway.)

 

It never fails to amaze me the number of OW who will accept less from a MM and encourage other OW to do the same.

[Ellin]

Surely you're not saying that it's ok for MM to put a monetary item such as health insurance in front of Mombot! Maybe you haven't read all of Mombot's threads where she has explained that MM has the means (wealth) to buy health insurance. He chooses not to. He chooses to stay attached to his wife for this monetary benefit over his relationship with Mombot. This might be ok if the man was struggling financially, but he is not. (If he was struggling financially, he would probably be less appealing to Mombot anyway.)

 

It never fails to amaze me the number of OW who will accept less from a MM and encourage other OW to do the same.

No, I haven't read all the threads as I haven't got enough time to read all the threads on the forum and was under impression that he needed that insurance and if that's the case it would be much more than a "monetary item" as you put it (predictably choosing the best word to minimise its value). I don't know all the details of their R nor of his personal situation and I stated that. The person who knows most about it is Mombot. Her daughter knows more than you do as well.

 

The reason I wrote that is because I'm against the blanket advice that so many posters repeat here as a mantra, to never accept less than absolute perfection from MM (or for example from a spouse on infidelity forum). Sometimes some things have to be negotiated if the end result is a more happy place for the person concerned. Sometimes there is potential for a happy ending and it gets lost through the advice given here to not accept this or that by appealing to a persons feelings of embarrassment etc.

 

And I never encouraged anyone to accept what they're not at ease with, so please don't twist my words. In this case I only encouraged the OP to have an honest talk with her man (who is not a proper MM by the way, since he is separated) and I find it sad that it makes you uncomfortable. And I didn't say that this is what she has to or should do (contrary to what many ther posters do and I'm against it). It's only an option.

[Fallen Angel]

This thread is very long and my time is short today. But if this man only stays married on paper in order to maintain helth coverage for a pre-existing condition (that new health coverage would likely NOT cover, then why not simply ask him to introduce you to his separated wife?

 

I have known a couple who stayed married on paper because the wife was suffering from Cancer and she needed the health coverage. They both lived very separate lives, and both had new partners. Both couples interacted regularly with each other due to the fact that there were children from the marriage. They even all got together on holidays so that neither parent had to miss spending Christmas or Birthdays with the children.

 

So if they are truly separated, then what is the problem with doing just that?

[Mombot]

I did ask hm tt once- he said I don't think you should meet my family untl after we are married That'll be when I retire..

It could be what he really meant or big smokescreen

It is very hard today not to call him, so I will have to be strong.

[whichwayisup]

I did ask hm tt once- he said I don't think you should meet my family untl after we are married That'll be when I retire..

It could be what he really meant or big smokescreen

It is very hard today not to call him, so I will have to be strong.

 

RED FLAG.

 

And when does he retire? 5 years? 10 years?

 

You are strong, you can do this.

[Confused4Now]

Someone told me once that when xMM and I saw one another, we both lit up like xmas trees. The happy energy between us was contagious and could be felt all over the office. But it was only my xmas tree that was lit up when I was spending xmas alone and he was spending it with his wife and kids. I wasn't real lit up either when he'd come to town and then leave again.

 

These relationships where you're a hidden secret and treated like an "insignificant other" will ultimately kill you. Your daughter is only remembering the good stuff. That kept me hooked for a long time but now I can only think about how stupid I was to ever have let myself get sucked into that relationship.

I found this to be true early on...but I think after a period of time...the pain and suffering that that we go through as well as the honeymoon phase passing...I didn't see myself laughing or having a good time anymore. It was clear we always looked like a couple but after awhile towards the end we didn't look the same as it was in the beginning. It clearly was not fun anymore....

 

Maybe over time you finally realize it's never going to happen and each day that passes a piece of you dies at least for me it was.

[Mombot]

He retires in 2 years and 3 months- seems like a long time to me. I am seriously questioning my ability to communicate with him, am not sure if he really took me seriously when I told him I didn't want to be completely ignored when the family came around. If he's truly into the separation, there is no reason he couldn't call me.

I think he wants to keep everything intact so e has all the financial and health benefits and I truly believe he loves his money so I may always be headed for the bus bottom.

[Angel1111]

I found this to be true early on...but I think after a period of time...the pain and suffering that that we go through as well as the honeymoon phase passing...I didn't see myself laughing or having a good time anymore. It was clear we always looked like a couple but after awhile towards the end we didn't look the same as it was in the beginning. It clearly was not fun anymore....

 

Maybe over time you finally realize it's never going to happen and each day that passes a piece of you dies at least for me it was.

 

I never stopped having a good time with him and I never broke it off with him because I stopped liking him. I broke it off with him 2 wks after we were together because it bothered me that he was married, bothered me that we had done what we did. And it never stopped bothering me. I didn't understand the games and I should've just stood my ground. I made the mistake of thinking that he was too good of a person to cheat on his wife and not leave his marriage. I was sadly mistaken about this. He has a flawless reputation and anyone who knows him would be knocked over if they knew what happened between us.

 

I don't care anymore that we don't talk anymore. He was willing to hurt me over this, he was willing to sleep with me but not promise anything. So in my mind now, he's not a nice person. He was thoughtless and he hurt me. And I was dumb enough not to see what he was doing and dumb enough to let it go on for as long as I did. Lesson learned.

[Angel1111]

He retires in 2 years and 3 months- seems like a long time to me. I am seriously questioning my ability to communicate with him, am not sure if he really took me seriously when I told him I didn't want to be completely ignored when the family came around. If he's truly into the separation, there is no reason he couldn't call me.

I think he wants to keep everything intact so e has all the financial and health benefits and I truly believe he loves his money so I may always be headed for the bus bottom.

 

Like I said before, money is a huge issue as a person gets older. I understand more now why people marry for financial security, although that would be hard for me to do - but I get it. I get how the idea of not having enough money can paralize an older person with complete fear.

 

The thing is, you don't know how much money he actually has and you don't know what he'll have after the divorce. At his age, I really don't think I'd bother with a divorce. It's a big gamble. I'm sure he cares about you deeply but unless you're an heiress of a great fortune, then he probably also sees you as a risk; a threat to his security.

 

All you can do is decide if this situation works for you or not. You can't change him and you can't change the dynamics between him and his wife. If this isn't working for you, them move on. It really is that simple. Yes, you'll miss him and vascillate in your head about it but I can tell you from experience that you can throw away a lot of years on someone who treats you as second best. It just doesn't work, no matter how much we try to rationalize it, no matter how much we try to accept it. It simply doesn't work.

[Mombot]

Well, he does own a lot of property the cabins and 200 acres are in a trust for his kids, the farm out of statee is his and she would get the house, he says he's going to sell the farm and get us a place in Oregon.

But I do know, the more I don't speak to him, the more I miss him and the madder I am.

[Confused4Now]

I never stopped having a good time with him and I never broke it off with him because I stopped liking him. I broke it off with him 2 wks after we were together because it bothered me that he was married, bothered me that we had done what we did. And it never stopped bothering me. I didn't understand the games and I should've just stood my ground. I made the mistake of thinking that he was too good of a person to cheat on his wife and not leave his marriage. I was sadly mistaken about this. He has a flawless reputation and anyone who knows him would be knocked over if they knew what happened between us.

 

I don't care anymore that we don't talk anymore. He was willing to hurt me over this, he was willing to sleep with me but not promise anything. So in my mind now, he's not a nice person. He was thoughtless and he hurt me. And I was dumb enough not to see what he was doing and dumb enough to let it go on for as long as I did. Lesson learned.

Well isn't that the purpose of my post...that each day a piece of me died cause xMW wasn't strong enough to make the choice to leave her M. Like you I got to a point where everyone saw her as this wonderful person but if they knew what she was doing they'd be shocked!!! It must be hard for you cause you work in the same company as him for me I stopped all the talking, IM'ing, seeing each other. Every so often I get a email about how much she loves me and misses me. I just chalk it up to her and H probably got in a fight when I get a email from her. You are right we can only find our happiness and being in something like this is not fun. For me the biggest thing I learned through all of this was BOUNDARIES!!! I can deal with anyone now. Edited August 12, 2010 by Confused4Now