I sent her an email

[Confused4Now]

Like I said before, money is a huge issue as a person gets older. I understand more now why people marry for financial security, although that would be hard for me to do - but I get it. I get how the idea of not having enough money can paralize an older person with complete fear.

I mean really? Hell no....I'm 52 and walked away from it all. My happiness was more important to me.....Like kids I think finances is just another EXCUSE!!! Bottom line I came in this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing. UGH!!! Excuses!!!! I've heard them all....

[Angel1111]

Well, he does own a lot of property the cabins and 200 acres are in a trust for his kids, the farm out of statee is his and she would get the house, he says he's going to sell the farm and get us a place in Oregon.

But I do know, the more I don't speak to him, the more I miss him and the madder I am.

 

You probably just need to talk to him, then, and get this stuff resolved. I still think it's a good idea for you to go off for the weekend and clear your head, even if you talk to him before you leave.

[Angel1111]

I mean really? Hell no....I'm 52 and walked away from it all. My happiness was more important to me.....Like kids I think finances is just another EXCUSE!!! Bottom line I came in this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing. UGH!!! Excuses!!!! I've heard them all....

 

Yea, I hear you on that. I guess what I'm saying is that if he has made the choice about caring more about his money than her, then he needs to leave her alone and go visit his money.

[BB07]

Like I said before, money is a huge issue as a person gets older. I understand more now why people marry for financial security, although that would be hard for me to do - but I get it. I get how the idea of not having enough money can paralize an older person with complete fear.

 

Money means different things to different people, some people put more value on it than others and some place financial security above all else. I'm not saying you are wrong in your viewpoint but just pointing out that everyone's perception of security and money is different.

 

The thing is, you don't know how much money he actually has and you don't know what he'll have after the divorce. At his age, I really don't think I'd bother with a divorce. It's a big gamble. I'm sure he cares about you deeply but unless you're an heiress of a great fortune, then he probably also sees you as a risk; a threat to his security.

 

All of life is a gamble! Some people minimize their risks as much as possible, some go "all in" at every opportunity.

 

All you can do is decide if this situation works for you or not. You can't change him and you can't change the dynamics between him and his wife. If this isn't working for you, them move on. It really is that simple. Yes, you'll miss him and vascillate in your head about it but I can tell you from experience that you can throw away a lot of years on someone who treats you as second best. It just doesn't work, no matter how much we try to rationalize it, no matter how much we try to accept it. It simply doesn't work.

 

I agree with the bolded parts above in your post. It's all about what is tolerable and doesn't cause harm or pain in any relationship.

[Mombot]

I can hardly wait for tomorrow, just run away and be by myself. No questions at work like how are you and George doing? (Nobody there knows he was a customer). I said I'm just not that into him lately.

Obviously that's not true or I wouldn't be having all this torment in my heart.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, he does own a lot of property the cabins and 200 acres are in a trust for his kids, the farm out of statee is his and she would get the house, he says he's going to sell the farm and get us a place in Oregon.

 

aha! so now I know why you want to hold on to him. Ya I know, you are going NC with him.

[2sunny]

You probably just need to talk to him, then, and get this stuff resolved. I still think it's a good idea for you to go off for the weekend and clear your head, even if you talk to him before you leave.

 

tell me what gets resolved when you are talking to a KNOWN liar?

 

oh ya, the opportunity for HIM to lie and manipulate further - for his own gain - and at her expense.

 

he lies - he's proven that - to talk to him just puts her in position to want to believe more of his lies. he's spoon feeding her the delusion... she doesn't need him to feed her.

 

reality is a *itch sometimes.

[Mombot]

Leave it to Dexter to throw in the gold digger dig. I have a good job and I own my own home, thank you very much.

I've been to the car wash and Walmart with him as well as nice restaurants- this is not about the money. Frankly, have not been to see any of those places and don't care. It was the smile, the life experience, the sophistication I went for.

[Angel1111]

tell me what gets resolved when you are talking to a KNOWN liar?

 

oh ya, the opportunity for HIM to lie and manipulate further - for his own gain - and at her expense.

 

he lies - he's proven that - to talk to him just puts her in position to want to believe more of his lies. he's spoon feeding her the delusion... she doesn't need him to feed her.

 

reality is a *itch sometimes.

 

She's not going to walk away easily, that much is obvious. So it's better that she talk to him so that she convinces herself that either things will or will not change. Sometimes a person needs to hear the answers.

 

It's nice to tell a person to just walk away from someone they're close to, but it's another thing to actually do that. It's almost impossible for most people because the connection is still alive and well. Everyone has to do things their own way, even if it's the wrong way for someone else.

Edited August 13, 2010 by Angel1111

[2sunny]

She's not going to walk away easily, that much is obvious. So it's better that she talk to him so that she convinces herself that either things will or will not change. Sometimes a person needs to hear the answers.

 

It's nice to tell a person to just walk away from someone they're close to, but it's another thing to actually do that. It's almost impossible for most people because the connection is still alive and well. Everyone has to do things their own way, even if it's the wrong way for someone else.

 

some people are smart enough to recognize when danger is lurking... i think Mombot can see the danger for herself if she decides to step back in to his arena. at least IF she makes that choice - she does it with her eyes wide open to his lies and manipulation... much less his selfish and self serving nature.

 

i commend Mombot's strength and courage - she shows she's capable of seeing the situation for what it really is... to her.

[Mombot]

I can deal with talking to him when I get back- I have only 2 more hours to work, go home and then run away early in the morning.

It could be true the W is all about the money, but there is a lot more I'm sure I don't know.

[2sunny]

have fun MB! go have a great time away!

[Mombot]

I hope it's fun- but most of all, I need space and peace. I really tried to get this squared away, but MM and his separated spouse there do not want to give me any indication of what is to be. So I will be- just fine, solo, waste some money eat what I want, do whatever, not check in with anyone except my beloved daughter just to say hey.

 

All the complications are not mine- it's him with the W he doesn't divorce, all the stuff he owns, the reasons why he can't divorce, medical, whatever. I have a simple life, and that's all I sought after my H died.

But I think I really want to say something, just not quite out of the fog yet. It's been almost a week NC, just his messages.

[2sunny]

I hope it's fun- but most of all, I need space and peace. I really tried to get this squared away, but MM and his separated spouse there do not want to give me any indication of what is to be. So I will be- just fine, solo, waste some money eat what I want, do whatever, not check in with anyone except my beloved daughter just to say hey.

 

All the complications are not mine- it's him with the W he doesn't divorce, all the stuff he owns, the reasons why he can't divorce, medical, whatever. I have a simple life, and that's all I sought after my H died.

But I think I really want to say something, just not quite out of the fog yet. It's been almost a week NC, just his messages.

 

his actions make it perfectly clear he has no reason to change things - the only one that can change his perfect little set up is you - by protecting yourself from the pain that may come your way if you choose to stay involved in his plan. you may be giving up more than you bargained for.

[Ms. Red]

She's not going to walk away easily, that much is obvious. So it's better that she talk to him so that she convinces herself that either things will or will not change. Sometimes a person needs to hear the answers.

 

It's nice to tell a person to just walk away from someone they're close to, but it's another thing to actually do that. It's almost impossible for most people because the connection is still alive and well. Everyone has to do things their own way, even if it's the wrong way for someone else.

 

 

Would you talk about a person like that if you were all sitting at a table? I consider that rude. It's the same thing to do it on a forum IMO.

 

Mombot, is there really any more questions you have for him? It seems that you've all ready heard everything there is to hear. I admire the way you're handling this.

[Ms. Red]

I hope it's fun- but most of all, I need space and peace. I really tried to get this squared away, but MM and his separated spouse there do not want to give me any indication of what is to be. So I will be- just fine, solo, waste some money eat what I want, do whatever, not check in with anyone except my beloved daughter just to say hey.

 

All the complications are not mine- it's him with the W he doesn't divorce, all the stuff he owns, the reasons why he can't divorce, medical, whatever. I have a simple life, and that's all I sought after my H died.

But I think I really want to say something, just not quite out of the fog yet. It's been almost a week NC, just his messages.

 

I once took off after a big fight with my husband. I got myself a hotel room and just hung out alone to clear my head. The only contact I had was to text my son that I was ok and needed to get away by myself. He was young then but he understood.

 

If you feel you need to say something to him, I'm sure it will come to you this weekend while you have plenty of time to relax and go over it all in your head. I wish you the very best.

[Mombot]

I don't know what else I need to know- and I have to have the lie-dar up antways.

[Ms. Red]

I don't know what else I need to know- and I have to have the lie-dar up anways.

 

That's what I thought. I only mentioned it because of your comment here:

 

 

 

But I think I really want to say something, just not quite out of the fog yet. It's been almost a week NC, just his messages.

 

If you're anything like me, you'll just walk away and never look back. It may hurt now, but when you look back on it from the future, you will be proud in yourself and the way you conducted yourself.

[Ellin]

I mean really? Hell no....I'm 52 and walked away from it all. My happiness was more important to me.....Like kids I think finances is just another EXCUSE!!! Bottom line I came in this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing. UGH!!! Excuses!!!! I've heard them all....

Are you in good health? Have you had a heart attack, like Mombot's guy? If he had a brush with death, it could have changed his perception and made his need for security stronger. After all, what happiness can you have if you don't have your life any more?

 

Just because you walked away doesn't mean everyone who doesn't do it only gives excuses.

[Ellin]

This thread is very long and my time is short today. But if this man only stays married on paper in order to maintain helth coverage for a pre-existing condition (that new health coverage would likely NOT cover, then why not simply ask him to introduce you to his separated wife?

 

I have known a couple who stayed married on paper because the wife was suffering from Cancer and she needed the health coverage. They both lived very separate lives, and both had new partners. Both couples interacted regularly with each other due to the fact that there were children from the marriage. They even all got together on holidays so that neither parent had to miss spending Christmas or Birthdays with the children.

 

So if they are truly separated, then what is the problem with doing just that?

 

I thinks that's expecting too much. Just because your friends got on so well doesn't mean every separated couple should introduce teir new partners to each other. Separated people don't always get on perfectly well. After all, there was a reason for them to go separate ways. Sometimes the conflicts remain unresolved. I think it is enough to expect that the separated W would be informed that her H is seeing someone, without needing to be introduced. In some cases even that would not be necessary as the main issue is the R between the two people concerned.

[Angel1111]

Would you talk about a person like that if you were all sitting at a table? I consider that rude. It's the same thing to do it on a forum IMO.

 

Huh? I didn't realize I was being rude. Yea, I'd absolutely say that to someone if I was sitting across the table from them. What the heck is so rude about pointing out that I get the impression that Mombot isn't going to walk away from this easily and that it's easy for us to tell others to just walk away but it's a lot harder to do in reality. A lot of people want some kind of closure at the very least. I don't know what you read into my words but I wasn't being mean or sarcastic in any way. Sorry you interpreted it that way.

[Angel1111]

Are you in good health? Have you had a heart attack, like Mombot's guy? If he had a brush with death, it could have changed his perception and made his need for security stronger. After all, what happiness can you have if you don't have your life any more?

 

Just because you walked away doesn't mean everyone who doesn't do it only gives excuses.

 

I agree with you on this but I also see C4N's point. It's not so much that he's afraid, it's that he's dragging Mombot into this and lying to her. In other words, if he really fears losing his money (which is understandable), then he needs to just stay happily married/separated and leave Mombot out of it, or be completely honest with her. He can't dance around the edges of both worlds. It doesn't work.

[fooled once]

Are you in good health? Have you had a heart attack, like Mombot's guy? If he had a brush with death, it could have changed his perception and made his need for security stronger. After all, what happiness can you have if you don't have your life any more?

 

Just because you walked away doesn't mean everyone who doesn't do it only gives excuses.

 

oh please.... eventually, everyone's health fails them at some point. Should people live in fear of 'what if'? So he had a heart attack ... he is still alive and still able to play these games so I am guessing the 'health scare' didn't really affect him too much.

 

I live in pain EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I will always have this pain. I could curl up into a ball and boo hoo all day about why me, why did this happen, why can't I have just ONE DAY of pain free living. OR I could do what I do and do my best to minimize the pain, and go on with the act of living. I could die at any time; as well as everyone else. None of us know when our final day will be.

 

We should live each day like it was our last. We should make the most out of the life we are given. My bro lost his 3 year old daughter in an instant - out of the blue - a year and 5 months ago. He and my SIL have chosen to live life each day, celebrating the short, yet joy filled life of their daughter. They look forward to the day they can dance with her again, but for now, they celebrate the time they had with her and focus on ensuring their surviving daughter knows how loved she is.

 

I thinks that's expecting too much. Just because your friends got on so well doesn't mean every separated couple should introduce teir new partners to each other. Separated people don't always get on perfectly well. After all, there was a reason for them to go separate ways. Sometimes the conflicts remain unresolved. I think it is enough to expect that the separated W would be informed that her H is seeing someone, without needing to be introduced. In some cases even that would not be necessary as the main issue is the R between the two people concerned.

 

My ex introduce his girlfriend to me 4 months after we separated. I even invited them to spend Christmas morning with me and our son. This was 6 months after splitting. There are MANY people who get on well after separating...ever heard of not being able to live with someone, but enjoying them more after not living together? Ever heard of people being better friends than spouses? Look at Demi Moore and Bruce Willis (although they are more to the extreme than many others). Those who are parents together SHOULD learn to co-parent together and to do that, they MUST communicate. I met H's ex about 3 months after we started dating.

 

I sure as hell didn't care if my ex started dating the minute he moved out. I didn't want him anymore -- if I wanted him, we would still be married People CAN and DO get along and it is better to be UPFRONT and honest about moving on rather than sneaking around. Sneaking around implies hiding something, being ashamed. If you are proud of a relationship, why hide it? Why not be upfront and honest about it? Separated or not.

 

BUT if there really isn't a true 'separation' or a finality of it, then I understand why people who cheat wouldn't want to introduce the mistress to the separated wife.

 

Goes back to being honest to begin with. If you are having issues in your marriage - address them or get out of the marriage. OWN what you do.

[Ms. Red]

Huh? I didn't realize I was being rude. Yea, I'd absolutely say that to someone if I was sitting across the table from them. What the heck is so rude about pointing out that I get the impression that Mombot isn't going to walk away from this easily and that it's easy for us to tell others to just walk away but it's a lot harder to do in reality. A lot of people want some kind of closure at the very least. I don't know what you read into my words but I wasn't being mean or sarcastic in any way. Sorry you interpreted it that way.

 

My point was that you weren't saying it TO Mombot. You were talking about her to someone else like she wasn't here. I just wondered if you would do that if you all were sitting at a table.

 

You aren't the only one that does that on here. I may even be guilty of it myself. I was in a bitchy mood last night and targeted you. Forgive me for targeting you. I'm sorry about that.

[Angel1111]

My point was that you weren't saying it TO Mombot. You were talking about her to someone else like she wasn't here. I just wondered if you would do that if you all were sitting at a table.

 

You aren't the only one that does that on here. I may even be guilty of it myself. I was in a bitchy mood last night and targeted you. Forgive me for targeting you. I'm sorry about that.

 

Well, 2sunny and I were having a discussion about something between ourselves, so I was addressing her. I wasn't saying anything different than what I had already said to the OP, I was clarifying my position, so I didn't see any point in addressing her.