I sent her an email

[Fieldsofgold]

Yeah, if he's been 11 years separated there's a reason for not going further. I gave you my example in my post. You have to decide if that's something you can live with.

 

I also wonder why you don't point blank ask him about it. But I don't see why it matters because if you've been dating for 2 years and only have feelings for him or like him, (as you post here) why are you still hanging in there? If you don't feel love at this point then it probably isn't going to happen.

 

I wonder why it matters about his marital status (to you) if you don't have marriage as an end result. And if you do have marriage as an end result, why would you if you don't love him?

 

Ms. Red makes some very good points here, and raises questions you would do well to answer for yourself.

 

My guess is that if he got a divorce today, you would not know what you want with him, because YOU don't know what YOU want.

 

That has nothing to do with him. That all comes from

within YOU. This is why I sound like a broken record on this thread. You need IC.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[jennie-jennie]

Nor am I an attorney, BUT in my state, if he went back to his wife for one night - one night - the legal separation is void and would have to be re-filed.

 

But why are you putting yourself through this - you admire the guy but you're not Jennie-Jennie, who is deeply, deeply in love, or Fallen Angel, or White Flower. (Or others. But these, I know their stories.)

 

I seriously, seriously believe you need counselling.

 

This description of me made me smile. Thank you for the kind words, Fields.

[jennie-jennie]

Yeah, if he's been 11 years separated there's a reason for not going further. I gave you my example in my post. You have to decide if that's something you can live with.

 

I also wonder why you don't point blank ask him about it. But I don't see why it matters because if you've been dating for 2 years and only have feelings for him or like him, (as you post here) why are you still hanging in there? If you don't feel love at this point then it probably isn't going to happen.

 

I wonder why it matters about his marital status (to you) if you don't have marriage as an end result. And if you do have marriage as an end result, why would you if you don't love him?

 

OK, I must have missed some information here. Clearly Mombat must be in love with her MM, why else would she be bothering with him?

 

Could she just be minimizing her feelings for him in writing posts? You don't hang around with a MM and continually think about him unless you are in love with him in my opinion.

 

Sorry for talking about you in third person, Mombat. I would be interested in your response to what I wrote.

[Fieldsofgold]

This description of me made me smile. Thank you for the kind words, Fields.

 

Right or wrong, agree or disagree, I believe your motivation is that you ARE very much in love with the guy. I may not agree with other aspects of your relationship/actions, but I do respect the fact that you are deeply, head over heels in love with the man. And I KNOW that love is a very powerful force - we do crazy, irrational things in the name of love sometimes. After all, I too am a woman . . .

 

But trust me, JJ, if you ever got on here and said the things you do were because you only "like" your MM, I'd rip you a new one. ((((((hugs))))))

Edited July 30, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Fieldsofgold]

OK, I must have missed some information here. Clearly Mombat must be in love with her MM, why else would she be bothering with him?

 

Could she just be minimizing her feelings for him in writing posts? You don't hang around with a MM and continually think about him unless you are in love with him in my opinion.

 

Sorry for talking about you in third person, Mombat. I would be interested in your response to what I wrote.

 

I disagree with the bolded. There is such a thing as relationship addiction, there is co-dependence. There are power and control issues. There are lots of very powerful forces that masquerade as love but have nothing to do with love, that bind us to people, make us obsessed with people.

 

They can be terribly powerful forces that can be unhealthy, destructive, and hard to overcome.

 

This is why I continually recommend IC for this young woman, so she can sort through what the real issues are, and really know for sure what it is she really wants.

 

I really think the scope of her needs are beyond the reach of this forum.

[jennie-jennie]

Right or wrong, agree or disagree, I believe your motivation is that you ARE very much in love with the guy. I may not agree with other aspects of your relationship/actions, but I do respect the fact that you are deeply, head over heels in love with the man. And I KNOW that love is a very powerful force - we do crazy, irrational things in the name of love sometimes. After all, I too am a woman . . .

 

But trust me, JJ, if you ever got on here and said the things you do were because you only "like" your MM, I'd rip you a new one. ((((((hugs))))))

 

LOL For sure, I am deeply, deeply in love with my MM. And I am glad that is visible to the LSers.

[whichwayisup]

LOL For sure, I am deeply, deeply in love with my MM. And I am glad that is visible to the LSers.

 

Would you email his wife or call her, to let her know you're in the picture? And do it behind your MM's back?

 

Mombat probably is inlove with her MM, but the love is unhealthy. She has alot of mistrust and the affair is changing the core of who SHE is. The issues are with him and his lies.

 

Mombat, hire a PI and get the info you need.

[Silly_Girl]

Right or wrong, agree or disagree, I believe your motivation is that you ARE very much in love with the guy. I may not agree with other aspects of your relationship/actions, but I do respect the fact that you are deeply, head over heels in love with the man. And I KNOW that love is a very powerful force - we do crazy, irrational things in the name of love sometimes. After all, I too am a woman . . .

 

But trust me, JJ, if you ever got on here and said the things you do were because you only "like" your MM, I'd rip you a new one. ((((((hugs))))))

 

 

Post Of The Day goes to the awesome FoG!!!!

[fooled once]

I used one of those pay sites that provides documents- it's not like I can run down to the courthouse where she is. No, I hadn't done it before. I has told him I did not want to be outed communication wise when he had family there, so he said he would not do that again, the hell with them, We will see on that count.

 

I think he may never go any further than separation, and I think it has many layers as to why, probably money.

I have an ordinary job and he has a house, land, cabins, and a farm.

 

So instead of being able to have an open and honest conversation with him about HIS marriage, you went to a paid site and paid to find out information?

 

This screams of lack of trust and without trust, IMHO, there is no relationship.

 

He is playing you; pure and simple (in my view).

 

I also don't think you are deeply in love with him and I wonder if it is the fact that he has money has anything to do with it......

 

But, I have a feeling you are going to spent the next several years dancing this dance and will still be in the same spot you are in right now...

[Dexter Morgan]

I used one of those pay sites that provides documents- it's not like I can run down to the courthouse where she is. No, I hadn't done it before. I has told him I did not want to be outed communication wise when he had family there, so he said he would not do that again, the hell with them, We will see on that count.

 

well thanks for at least being honest enough to inform us that you want him to say to hell with his family.

 

how some people live with themselves is beyond me. Does nobody else see the absolute wretchedness here?

Edited July 30, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[Mombot]

I think I'm afraid to let myself believe I am crazy in love with him. But I also really like him as a person, I like his presence. I would like him to be really available.

[Owl]

I think I'm afraid to let myself believe I am crazy in love with him. But I also really like him as a person, I like his presence. I would like him to be really available.

 

But clearly he's NOT available.

 

And continuing a relationship with him hoping that will change is probably not going to be a productive endeavor.

 

He's not been honest about his marital situation, he hides his relationship with you from his family.......how can you see a positive outcome as at all possible in this situation??????

[Dexter Morgan]

I think I'm afraid to let myself believe I am crazy in love with him. But I also really like him as a person, I like his presence. I would like him to be really available.

 

so tell us, why should he put you before his kids?

[2sunny]

so tell us, why should he put you before his kids?

 

the question really should be - why would he not have her around his kids IF he's an available man - especially since he's been seeing her for 2 years? his kids are grown right?

 

have you ever socialized with his kids before? have you met his other family members or just his "friends"?

 

when a man has nothing to hide - he hides nothing. the fact that he even attempted to keep you at bay is very telling. you are his secret.

 

do you intend to continue being his secret?

[Dexter Morgan]

the question really should be - why would he not have her around his kids IF he's an available man

 

he's not an available man. and even if there is a seperation, which I think the concensus now amongst most in this thread is that he lied about that.

 

she knows he lied about it, she just decides to play it off and needle the wife.

 

And even if there is a seperation, I don't think many kids, small or grown would care to look at the face of the woman their dad is seeing when the body of the wife isn't even cold yet.

[whichwayisup]

I think I'm afraid to let myself believe I am crazy in love with him. But I also really like him as a person, I like his presence. I would like him to be really available.

 

But he isn't. You know this.

 

Let me ask. Since you stirred up the pot, sent his wife an email, let's say she turns around and kicks him out. Then he comes to you. Do you think you're going to be happy and trust him? Knowing the way you "got" him is because his wife threw him out? That HE didn't tell his wife and divorce her, do it the right way? You think you have trust issues now... Imagine how YOU are going to feel down the road when he goes to visit his kids, with his ex around.

 

This guy isn't available.. YOu can hope and wish that he was, but he isn't.

 

Also, any man who chooses another woman over his kids, puts his OW first over his own flesh and blood isn't a man. Family comes first! Yeah, he shouldn't be cheating and lying, betraying his family unit, but still..

[Mombot]

When a man's kids are 40, I do not see what difference a divorce can make to them, really.

[whichwayisup]

When a man's kids are 40, I do not see what difference a divorce can make to them, really.

 

But his kids aren't 40. Didn't you say one was 20 and the other 25? Do any of them live at home still? More and more kids are staying at home because they can't or won't move out. I know in my neighbourhood there's a family of four kids, only one has moved out (age 26) the others, 24, 21 and 20 are still living at home.

 

No kid of ANY age wants to see their parents divorce. It'll always affect them. Marriage, grandchildren, Christmas gatherings, birthdays...

[Mombot]

No, one is 42, 40 and 37, two are one second marriages.

[Mimolicious]

I'm super lost.... Whoa! Those are some old kids. So why exactly is he staying? Because of the farm? (wait, is he the one with the farm?).

 

This guy is over the hill then Mombot. Sorry, no pun intended but when if is he planning to get it going? Geez...

 

Are you in his same age range? (sorry to ask)

[Mombot]

I willl be 52, he's 63.

[Mimolicious]

Mombot, do you feel like you have reached a stage in your life that is either to deal with MM or nothing?

 

Could it be that you feel too old (not that I think you are!) and you are denying yourself the opportunity to experience a healthier relationship?

[White Flower]

I won't answer for Mombot but I would like to answer the question.

 

I fell in love specifically with one man. That man is the one I will alter my life for, climb mountains for and expect to climb mountains for me. It has nothing to do with age or aging, it just is.

 

But I do feel it is a good question and hope to see various answers. I'm sure for some people you may have hit it.

[Mombot]

Is Madonna too old? We are the same age.

Many many men ask me out consistantly, and I turn them down because they are too young or I don't know them.

I was friends with him for over 4 years before I went anywhere with MM.

I have been a widow for almost 8 years, and I did have a boyfriend before MM.

[Mimolicious]

Is Madonna too old? We are the same age.

Many many men ask me out consistantly, and I turn them down because they are too young or I don't know them.

I was friends with him for over 4 years before I went anywhere with MM.

I have been a widow for almost 8 years, and I did have a boyfriend before MM.

 

I think I clearly said that I didn't think you were old. My mother is 58 and she is not old, yet I am 32. So if there is anyone "old" here is me. Too old to be her daughter, lol!

 

Ok, of course you are going to turn other man down. You have someone else in that space. Even though there are people who will drop one for the next or run it cuncurrent, they are also the ones that crash and burn. Sorry for the loss of your H's. I really hope one day you get sick and tired of your MM's stupidity and see things for what they are for.

 

I am 32, D and have dated few dudes and when I see that they are not checking off in my list of standards, I keep it moving. I have not time for nonsense. I got a life to live and rather live it alone than with mediocre company. They don't deserve my presence.