I sent her an email

[Mombot]

They say if you can no do a habit for 28 days, you can break it, so I have 24 1/2 days to go. I have to keep the fingers off the phone. They say you can tell who your relationships are with and how important to you they are by the number of minutes you spend on the phone with that individual. He is way up there thousands of minutes a month.

I did not pursue that house for sale in Oregon, pipe dream, bull s***t and I know it.

[2sunny]

They say if you can no do a habit for 28 days, you can break it, so I have 24 1/2 days to go. I have to keep the fingers off the phone. They say you can tell who your relationships are with and how important to you they are by the number of minutes you spend on the phone with that individual. He is way up there thousands of minutes a month.

I did not pursue that house for sale in Oregon, pipe dream, bull s***t and I know it.

 

the house. so many MM present these big pie in the sky dreams to the OW - but where's the action? IF he wanted that house - HE can find it - buy it - and make it happen. it's his carrot that he continually dangles for you... don't fall for that bs. notice HE wasn't the one making ALL the effort to make the house deal happen?

 

he's married - he knows he has to offer you all these "things" - without action and follow through - it means nothing. it's just talk. talk is cheap. he lies - he's proven that.

 

stop second guessing yourself. stay busy now...

[Mombot]

There is another thread on here about not being picked and I am really feeling the empathy with that pain. I tried to clear this all up, emailed her, told him I did, and she does not wish to be bothered and he's blowing smoke when it's convenient for him to call.

I definitely do not feel like I was ever number 1 with him except when it has been convenient for him.

But I am not giving the jewelry back.

[2sunny]

There is another thread on here about not being picked and I am really feeling the empathy with that pain. I tried to clear this all up, emailed her, told him I did, and she does not wish to be bothered and he's blowing smoke when it's convenient for him to call.

I definitely do not feel like I was ever number 1 with him except when it has been convenient for him.

But I am not giving the jewelry back.

 

his W said don't bother her because she believes her husband is faithful - or at the least she doesn't want to have to admit to herself that he may not be faithful (denial). he blows smoke everywhere he goes. he's probably a man that's used to getting his way.

 

either way - just text him and tell him to stop bother you... and to never contact you again - that will make you feel like you have taken some of your power back... you are in control of YOUR life... now make sure he doesn't take control of it again.

[Mombot]

I'm not calling, texting, emailing or facebooking. I'm trying to hang tight. He's 200 miles from here and I know he won't come up here.

I've just got to figure out where I'm going for the weekend. Maybe I'll go to a big zoo or an aquarium or a casino. somewhere only my (unlisted) daughter can find me.

Someplace where the fog won't follow,

[BB07]

Mombot........I KNOW how you are hurting and I'm sorry, I really am.

 

Hugs.........

[Mombot]

It doesn't really hurt exactly, it feels empty. I tried like heck not to be totally in love with him, protect my feelings. Then there was the thorn. The big lie- not divorced, can't get one right now, insurance reasons, blah blah blah. The spouse, she didn't want to hear it and he shrugged it all off.

And of course, then he didn't call and when he did, it was this story about the son in law and all his problems with the law. And of course, his daughter is right there with him. All on voicemail.

I can't be there for him this time or any other time- I already decided to take Friday off as well as the weekend. I will go into hibernation somewhere, even if it will probably be lonely and nervewracking.

[Angel1111]

In a way, I totally get where he's coming from. I would think when you're around his age, you know that money is harder to come by and even when you have a lot of it, it can disappear fast with simply an illness or something of that nature. If you're in your 60's and uninsured and then get a serious illness, it can cost into the hundreds of thousands, even millions, before you know what hit you. I went to the emergency room a few months ago and the bill was $9,000. I almost fell over. Not having enough money in your later years is a very frightening thing and I'm sure it becomes the highest priority. Heck, I'm in my early 50's like you and I take this subject very seriously. I think this is why he hasn't divorced his wife - it's strictly for practical and financial reasons. And believe me, divorces can eat away a person's hard earned money fast.

 

The thing I don't get about him is why he lied to you - and for so long. I know he gave you a reason but it was wrong for him to do that. I would have a lot of trouble getting past that. My only other problem here is that you're ignoring him but does he know why? Have you talked to him about these things? Other than emailing his wife, what discussions have you two had about it? I don't think it's fair to just cut someone off without explaining your position and why you're doing it. Maybe you have talked to him and I missed that part. Honestly, he sounds like a nice guy who's estranged from his wife and truly enjoys your company. But, doggone, why did he have to lie?

[2sunny]

i've dated some really nice men since i've been divorced. but the one thing i will not tolerate - is a lie. if i find evidence that they lied to me... it's over.

 

one really great guy i had dated for almost a year - i was really into him... until i found out he lied about his age... i told him he ruined all the good stuff by lying - and i could no longer trust him. if i had no trust in him to be honest - i had nothing to base our relationship on. now, 3 years later i occasionally get contact from him, but i never respond... he knows. he knows that he ruined it the day he lied.

 

i always thought since then - if he'll lie about simple stuff, then he'll lie about bigger things... too bad too, he really was a neat person - but HE ruined the chance that it could have been for a long term relationship. it's his error to own. funny thing, i've seen his face on dating sites - yep, he's STILL lying about his age... some men never learn. you lead with a lie - for me it's O.V.E.R. not wasting my time or energy on a man that will lie to get what he wants. that's selfish and self serving and someone always gets hurt from it.

[Mombot]

I said I did not want to be outed when his family came, and he agreed I wouldn't be, told me he'd call last Friday, and of course, he failed. He said, oh I will make time to call you. No, he didn't and I am sick of it. I don't want to hear THE VAGUE STORY about why he didn't call. I'm actually surprised there was no sappy sorry I couldn't call included with the son in law tale.

[2sunny]

I said I did not want to be outed when his family came, and he agreed I wouldn't be, told me he'd call last Friday, and of course, he failed. He said, oh I will make time to call you. No, he didn't and I am sick of it. I don't want to hear THE VAGUE STORY about why he didn't call. I'm actually surprised there was no sappy sorry I couldn't call included with the son in law tale.

 

:rolleyes: same as always - he tells you what you need to hear - then his actions don't match the words.

 

so what is attractive about a man that unreliable, undependable and not a man of his word?

 

that isn't a man of integrity; nor is he a man that earns trust and respect... thats just a man that blatantly lies and sugar coats it well enough to spoon feed it to you.

 

watch - AFTER the family is gone he'll come running to you with all kinds of empty promises (words) and no action to show for it. he'll probably bring gifts and promise a little vacation somewhere... be on the alert! when are they supposed to leave? he will lay it on thick - since you haven't been responding the way he wants you to.

[Mombot]

They leave very early Thursday, and he works that day, don't know if he is scheduled Friday. Traffic from through LA will suck, so I will be gone very early Friday. He can always call my work, and I won't be there.

I will be a smoke ring in the dark and I think it will help me. I don't want my heart broken any further.

[Ellin]

his W said don't bother her because she believes her husband is faithful - or at the least she doesn't want to have to admit to herself that he may not be faithful (denial). he blows smoke everywhere he goes. he's probably a man that's used to getting his way.

 

either way - just text him and tell him to stop bother you... and to never contact you again - that will make you feel like you have taken some of your power back... you are in control of YOUR life... now make sure he doesn't take control of it again.

Why on earth do you make such statemets about what hiw W believes or wants? You have no idea. She might as well have a R on the side herself and is trying to keep appearances, anything can be happening in her life.

 

If it's convenient for you to promote this option, then at least say "maybe" or "likely".

 

Sorry Mombot, I don't mean to hijack your thread or take away from your hurt but I think it's wrong to pass someone's guesses as facts. Perhaps his W not wanting to be bothered means she's not that interested in the M. I'm not trying to justify him either, since he did lie to you.

[Ellin]

I'm not calling, texting, emailing or facebooking. I'm trying to hang tight. He's 200 miles from here and I know he won't come up here.

I've just got to figure out where I'm going for the weekend. Maybe I'll go to a big zoo or an aquarium or a casino. somewhere only my (unlisted) daughter can find me.

Someplace where the fog won't follow,

You know you can do it. Just one day at a time, it can be as many days as you want.

[Ellin]

It doesn't really hurt exactly, it feels empty. I tried like heck not to be totally in love with him, protect my feelings. Then there was the thorn. The big lie- not divorced, can't get one right now, insurance reasons, blah blah blah. The spouse, she didn't want to hear it and he shrugged it all off.

And of course, then he didn't call and when he did, it was this story about the son in law and all his problems with the law. And of course, his daughter is right there with him. All on voicemail.

I can't be there for him this time or any other time- I already decided to take Friday off as well as the weekend. I will go into hibernation somewhere, even if it will probably be lonely and nervewracking.

Sorry if I've missed something but it is a long thread.. Is he legally separated or was this a lie too?

[Ellin]

In a way, I totally get where he's coming from. I would think when you're around his age, you know that money is harder to come by and even when you have a lot of it, it can disappear fast with simply an illness or something of that nature. If you're in your 60's and uninsured and then get a serious illness, it can cost into the hundreds of thousands, even millions, before you know what hit you. I went to the emergency room a few months ago and the bill was $9,000. I almost fell over. Not having enough money in your later years is a very frightening thing and I'm sure it becomes the highest priority. Heck, I'm in my early 50's like you and I take this subject very seriously. I think this is why he hasn't divorced his wife - it's strictly for practical and financial reasons. And believe me, divorces can eat away a person's hard earned money fast.

That's right. It's as serious as life or death.

[Angel1111]

I said I did not want to be outed when his family came, and he agreed I wouldn't be, told me he'd call last Friday, and of course, he failed. He said, oh I will make time to call you. No, he didn't and I am sick of it. I don't want to hear THE VAGUE STORY about why he didn't call. I'm actually surprised there was no sappy sorry I couldn't call included with the son in law tale.

 

Oh. Got cha. Yea, stop talking to him. He knows what he has done, there's no need to have a discussion about that.

[Angel1111]

Sorry if I've missed something but it is a long thread.. Is he legally separated or was this a lie too?

 

No, he is legally separated but he told her that he was divorced.

[Angel1111]

i always thought since then - if he'll lie about simple stuff, then he'll lie about bigger things... too bad too, he really was a neat person - but HE ruined the chance that it could have been for a long term relationship. it's his error to own. funny thing, i've seen his face on dating sites - yep, he's STILL lying about his age... some men never learn. you lead with a lie - for me it's O.V.E.R. not wasting my time or energy on a man that will lie to get what he wants. that's selfish and self serving and someone always gets hurt from it.

 

I totally agree with you on this. A lie unhinges trust. I can't believe that guy is still lying about his age. It just goes to show you that you were more than right about him - he has no problem with lying. Like with Mombot's guy, he lied to her to get what he wanted and figured by the time he told her about it, he'd have her so deeply entrenched in the relationship that she wouldn't leave. It was a rotten thing to do. It's not something I could get past.

[Ellin]

No, he is legally separated but he told her that he was divorced.

Right. So it's not the same as being married, although lying is bad.

 

However, being separated means he's free to have w R with someone else and his W is not a BS.

[bentnotbroken]

Right. So it's not the same as being married, although lying is bad.

 

However, being separated means he's free to have w R with someone else and his W is not a BS.

 

 

Let's not assume that the wife isn't a betrayed wife, lets just say it possible she isn't a betrayed wife, since we don't know what she is feeling and thinking about anything.

[Ellin]

Let's not assume that the wife isn't a betrayed wife, lets just say it possible she isn't a betrayed wife, since we don't know what she is feeling and thinking about anything.

You're trying to be smart, but it's not working here, because it seems to be clear that they are legally separated, and if it's so, then obviously she KNOWS about it.

 

Separation means the M is only a formality without the actual R between spouses being present. Of course he could be lying to her about some things but she is not betrayed in a normal meaning of this word, as in case of a properly M couple, who share life together and are expected to be faithful.

[Owl]

Mombot-

 

NC should never be a passive gesture. NC is about taking control of your life back...and you can't take control when you're just passively doing nothing.

 

ACTIVELY pursue breaking contact with him.

 

You know he's going to "suck you back in" with his little texts and calls and junk.

 

You know this as surely as I do.

 

And just passively "not contacting him" doesn't prevent this...all it does is seemingly remove the responsibility for failed NC from your shoulders.

 

ACTIVELY take measures to END contact permanently. Block his number, or have your numbers changed so that he cannot contact you via phone/text. Change your email address, or block him from there as well.

 

Don't passively sit there and wait for his next attempt to get a response out of you...because you already know that one of these times it will work, and you'll resume contact with him.

 

NC means no contact IN EITHER DIRECTION. He's still contacting you.

 

Time to change that.

 

Take charge, rather than just sit there and wait for his next attempt.

[Angel1111]

Right. So it's not the same as being married, although lying is bad.

 

However, being separated means he's free to have w R with someone else and his W is not a BS.

 

I totally agree with you. If he had been upfront about his situation with Mombot, it wouldn't have been such an issue. Lying is a showstopper.

[Angel1111]

Let's not assume that the wife isn't a betrayed wife, lets just say it possible she isn't a betrayed wife, since we don't know what she is feeling and thinking about anything.

 

They're separated. It doesn't matter what she's feeling or thinking about it. If she expects her husband to be faithful to her, then I would suggest not having a separation and not living apart.