I sent her an email

[Confused4Now]

I agree with you on this but I also see C4N's point. It's not so much that he's afraid, it's that he's dragging Mombot into this and lying to her. In other words, if he really fears losing his money (which is understandable), then he needs to just stay happily married/separated and leave Mombot out of it, or be completely honest with her. He can't dance around the edges of both worlds. It doesn't work.

cha ching!!!!! exactly!!!! exactly my point!!!!

[Confused4Now]

Are you in good health? Have you had a heart attack, like Mombot's guy? If he had a brush with death, it could have changed his perception and made his need for security stronger. After all, what happiness can you have if you don't have your life any more?

 

Just because you walked away doesn't mean everyone who doesn't do it only gives excuses.

Then don't drag someone around in love if you're not going to do something about it....better yet why are you married messing around? Oh and I haven't had a brush with death but I can assure you I scraped off bottom a few times when I left my xW and dealing with my xMW. It was pretty ugly. It sure as hell felt like I was dying.!!!

Edited August 14, 2010 by Confused4Now

[Ellin]

Then don't drag someone around in love if you're not going to do something about it....better yet why are you married messing around? Oh and I haven't had a brush with death but I can assure you I scraped off bottom a few times when I left my xW and dealing with my xMW. It was pretty ugly. It sure as hell felt like I was dying.!!!

Sorry but feeling like dying because of emotional pain or effects of it is totally different than almost dying from a real physical condition.

 

As for dragging someone around the guy says he and OP will get married in 2 years, what if he genuinely intends to do that? It's not totally unreasonable to wait 2 more years. I understand that the OP is not sure this is going to happen but I'm trying to present it from the possible MM's point of view.

 

Finally, you said he's messing around while married - I think this point has been addressed in my post sufficient number of times. He is separated and staying for different reasons, not because he has a relationship with wife. Of course this is his official version of events, I don't know if it's right, all I'm saying is - if it is true then it's not such a bad situation for OP.

 

It could be a lie, but it could also be the truth. I don't see why everyone only see the negative side as viable and want to shoot me for trying to suggest something else is possible.

[Ellin]

oh please.... eventually, everyone's health fails them at some point. Should people live in fear of 'what if'? So he had a heart attack ... he is still alive and still able to play these games so I am guessing the 'health scare' didn't really affect him too much.

.

If someone has had a heart attack there will be lasting effect of that in the form of likelihood of further heart attacks, each of them more serious than the last.

[Ellin]

... he is still alive and still able to play these games so I am guessing the 'health scare' didn't really affect him too much.

Since you mentioned games I believe tactics like going NC when not really sure if someone wants it to be the end or is not emotionally ready is a sort of a power game. Another example of that would be "exposing" a cheating spouse to his family etc. as a way to keep him/her from straying..

 

I believe if in a person's mind there is any doubt, meaning there is still a possibility, even small, that things could work out better, then none of such behaviors should take place.

 

The way to sort things out is an honest conversation with a loving, understanding, open, non-judgemental and non-confrontational attitude. Conditions can be set up and mutually agreed to and only if they are not kept afterwards, it can be a signal to move on. It can be done exhaustively - all of the issues can be discussed. And even if this fails some people need a closure meeting, just to tell the other person how hurt they are.

 

I think this is a lot more helpful and healing than just cutting the other person off - this is torturing them - while leaving a lot of open ends - this is self-torturing. Dying to talk to them but staying "strong" for the principle of... what?

 

NC is only good in case of being treated in a totally unacceptable way, especially if the person who mistreats us knows what he/she is doing and doesn't care. And when there is absolutely no way and no will to make things better.

[Angel1111]

As for dragging someone around the guy says he and OP will get married in 2 years, what if he genuinely intends to do that? It's not totally unreasonable to wait 2 more years. I understand that the OP is not sure this is going to happen but I'm trying to present it from the possible MM's point of view.

 

Finally, you said he's messing around while married - I think this point has been addressed in my post sufficient number of times. He is separated and staying for different reasons, not because he has a relationship with wife. Of course this is his official version of events, I don't know if it's right, all I'm saying is - if it is true then it's not such a bad situation for OP.

 

It could be a lie, but it could also be the truth. I don't see why everyone only see the negative side as viable and want to shoot me for trying to suggest something else is possible.

 

I totally get what you're saying - that you've got to give someone the benefit of the doubt sometimes. And I'm all for that. In this situation, though, there are too many things stacking up against this guy and it's starting to wear on Mombot. First of all, his wife doesn't seem to believe he's seeing someone else. So either she's clueless (very possible) or they didn't agree to seeing other people when they separated. Hard to say. The fact that he keeps Mombot a secret, though, after being separated all this time, isn't a good sign. Despite whatever he and his wife agreed to when they separated, he should be upfront and let her know that things have changed, and then he wouldn't have to 'hide' Mombot anymore.

 

Also he doesn't follow through with her when he says he will, generally treating her like an OW. In other words, what he's saying and what he's doing don't seem to add up. This is rarely a good sign.

[Confused4Now]

I totally get what you're saying - that you've got to give someone the benefit of the doubt sometimes. And I'm all for that. In this situation, though, there are too many things stacking up against this guy and it's starting to wear on Mombot. First of all, his wife doesn't seem to believe he's seeing someone else. So either she's clueless (very possible) or they didn't agree to seeing other people when they separated. Hard to say. The fact that he keeps Mombot a secret, though, after being separated all this time, isn't a good sign. Despite whatever he and his wife agreed to when they separated, he should be upfront and let her know that things have changed, and then he wouldn't have to 'hide' Mombot anymore.

 

Also he doesn't follow through with her when he says he will, generally treating her like an OW. In other words, what he's saying and what he's doing don't seem to add up. This is rarely a good sign.

My point exactly I've followed Mombot's whole story...there are just to many red flags for me that can't be ignored. I do understand how hard things are. What we don't want to happen is MM stops moving forward and just stays in one spot or goes backwards... How many times have we seen that? You get what I'm saying....

[Mombot]

I talked to him and he cleared the air- we went out to eat, and he told me what he plan is- he also said that he and W discussed getting divorced for Christmas if it's financially feasible. Funny how this thread went to the heart attack thing- he said after his heart attack he decided he was going to live the life he wants with who he wants. He told me how he got into the traveling job and that it was a great way to still be in the family without having to be there.

He told me it was harder and harder to see the daughter he raised that was not his. He told me that was the ultimate slap in the face, that having a child was the ultimate symbol of love and an affair they could have worked through. This he did not forgive.

He did not beg me to continue or tell me a bunch of romantic bullsh#t either. did not ask for sex. He simply said he loved me and he had t get back to work, he had driven 250 miles to talk to me.

I told him I would see him in a couple of weeks.

The weekend was good, though I spent too much money.

 

.

[Ellin]

I'm glad you two managed to communicate so well. I hope it works out for both of you and will bring you lasting happiness in future, even if there's many hurdles to get over.

[whichwayisup]

I talked to him and he cleared the air- we went out to eat, and he told me what he plan is- he also said that he and W discussed getting divorced for Christmas if it's financially feasible. Funny how this thread went to the heart attack thing- he said after his heart attack he decided he was going to live the life he wants with who he wants. He told me how he got into the traveling job and that it was a great way to still be in the family without having to be there.

 

Wow..I don't know what to say to that? Except it does contradict what was said below..

 

He told me it was harder and harder to see the daughter he raised that was not his. He told me that was the ultimate slap in the face, that having a child was the ultimate symbol of love and an affair they could have worked through. This he did not forgive.

 

So where does this leave his daughter? YES, she IS his daughter, maybe not blood related, but he raised her. The fact that he is using HER as a reason just is really crappy.

 

He did not beg me to continue or tell me a bunch of romantic bullsh#t either. did not ask for sex. He simply said he loved me and he had t get back to work, he had driven 250 miles to talk to me.

I told him I would see him in a couple of weeks.

The weekend was good, though I spent too much money.

 

One conversation and you're letting him off the hook and continuing on.

 

Also, there's no way he is going to divorce "for" Christmas. Noone does that unless they're a complete ass.hole! Oh and the big "IF" is there.. IF he can afford it.

 

Sadly for you, I think he's going to do nothing, yet he's given you hope, enough to live on till Christmas. After that, they'll be some other excuse as to why he can't divorce..

 

Why not tell him goodbye completely and let him know to show you proof once his D is final?

[Angel1111]

I guess this was a good conversation but it seems to me, too, that you let him off the hook and didn't address a lot of the things that were bothering you. Maybe you did, though, and I just missed it.

 

I still wonder why he didn't call you when he said he would, and why he hides you from his family and generally makes you feel crappy with the way he has been treating you. Basically he has been dismissive toward you. What does he plan to do - file for divorce and announce you all at the same time? I also don't get the thing about the daughter. After all this time, it's bugging him that she isn't blood related, or is he bothered because the daughter has lost interest in him as a father? I also didn't understand the sales job thing. How does that allow him to be in the family, but not be there? And what does that have to do with you and him?

 

Btw, I've seen the cool act before - the not begging, not making attempts at touching, etc. It could be a form of reverse psychology on his part. I don't know, if you feel better, that's great. I just wonder if you really got the answers you were looking for. I, too, doubt that they'll proceed with the divorce at xmas time - that's just lousy timing all the way around and creates bad memories in the family for years to come. Besides, the 'if we can afford it' comment didn't sound promising.

[Ellin]

And so the splitting of the hair continues..

[Mombot]

He is not a salesman- he is a nuclear electrician.

[2sunny]

he offered nothing new.

 

he hasn't given any EVIDENCE that anything has changed - or will change.

 

just sit back and stay out of it all until his divorce is FINAL.

 

anything he TELLS you is empty words. without the solid proof and action it means nothing.

 

he shows up - after disrespecting you and disregarding you - and makes more empty promises (kind of, sort of promises even) and you take the bait and say you will see him again.

 

you are bringing the pain upon yourself. you can NO LONGER blame him at all - YOU chose to see him, talk, and believe that he will DO something to make it happen. hope is a very powerful thing. it's great! but it's nothing IF there is no action that goes with those words.

 

if i remember correctly he is the guy that said he would call you while he was with family... and how did that work out? he isn't a man that does what he says he will do... we have EVIDENCE of that.

 

WHEN he actually DOES all these things he's promising - THAT is when it may be time to consider stepping back into a relationship with him.... then and only then - in the meantime - YOU need to take care of YOU.

 

he will take you down - only if YOU let him.

[Angel1111]

He is not a salesman- he is a nuclear electrician.

 

Sorry, when you said 'traveling' job, I made the 'salesman' leap in my head. haha. A nuclear electrician - I have no idea what that entails but it sounds awesome.

[Mombot]

It is a very well paying job, they pay for lodging food and a healthy salary the rest of us just dream about. It is a contract job.

I really believed him but we'll have to talk again in a few weeks. Am not inviting him up.

[2sunny]

It is a very well paying job, they pay for lodging food and a healthy salary the rest of us just dream about. It is a contract job.

I really believed him but we'll have to talk again in a few weeks. Am not inviting him up.

 

I told him I would see him in a couple of weeks.

 

which is it? why waste your time or energy at this point since he's definitely not going o be divorced by a few weeks time?

 

he essentially said MAYBE in december he might get it moving... that isn't encouraging information.

 

what huge revelation happens in december that can't happen now?

 

IF he truly WANTED and INTENDED to be divorced - he would make that happen.

 

have you asked him point blank if he's been on vacation with his wife in the past few years, months even? does he buy her a birthday, christmas gift? do they ever go out in public together? these things can be very telling. IF he's still participating AS IF they are together - you may find useful info in his answers as well as how he reacts with body language when he tells you.

 

since you opened the door to see him today - he has the idea that you are once again open to his manipulation and selfish behavior... even if he presents it as lovingly as he's capable while he's with you... there's no denying that he saw you to get you back in YOUR proper position... as his OW.

 

as long as you correspond - you will play that role for him. is that enough for you?

[Angel1111]

Mombot, I'll just tell you something based on my experience and you can take it for whatever it's worth to you. I wish I had walked away from xMM. I wish I had listened to my instincts from the very beginning and stayed away. I realize now that by sticking around, I ended up complicating things so much more than they needed to be. I know that every situation is different but, at this point - having been where I've been, I would err on the side of caution rather than take a risk with a married or separated man, especially one who has already lied.

 

For whatever it's worth.

[Confused4Now]

have you asked him point blank if he's been on vacation with his wife in the past few years, months even? does he buy her a birthday, christmas gift? do they ever go out in public together? these things can be very telling. IF he's still participating AS IF they are together - you may find useful info in his answers as well as how he reacts with body language when he tells you.

 

since you opened the door to see him today - he has the idea that you are once again open to his manipulation and selfish behavior... even if he presents it as lovingly as he's capable while he's with you... there's no denying that he saw you to get you back in YOUR proper position... as his OW.

 

as long as you correspond - you will play that role for him. is that enough for you?

Hahahaah been there done that...he will only lie...about weekends away, birthdays and any gift exchange. My xMW made it look like it was the adult kids idea yet I'm sure she got credit. Also they'd go to concerts but she'd say Oh my daughter and boyfriend was there too with her H like that was suppose to be ok...since it wasn't a one on one date. I've seen it all just like my old friend STAMPDADDY I miss him so much. What people will do who are so unhealthy and they are selfish... they will do anything to keep you in their world period.

I'm telling you I could honestly write a book of excuses and guess who allowed it me....so do yourself a favor and guard yourself for the worst. He might surprise us all but I'd rather have a surprise than to be let down all the time.

[Confused4Now]

he offered nothing new.

 

he hasn't given any EVIDENCE that anything has changed - or will change.

 

just sit back and stay out of it all until his divorce is FINAL.

 

anything he TELLS you is empty words. without the solid proof and action it means nothing.

 

he shows up - after disrespecting you and disregarding you - and makes more empty promises (kind of, sort of promises even) and you take the bait and say you will see him again.

 

you are bringing the pain upon yourself. you can NO LONGER blame him at all - YOU chose to see him, talk, and believe that he will DO something to make it happen. hope is a very powerful thing. it's great! but it's nothing IF there is no action that goes with those words.

 

if i remember correctly he is the guy that said he would call you while he was with family... and how did that work out? he isn't a man that does what he says he will do... we have EVIDENCE of that.

 

WHEN he actually DOES all these things he's promising - THAT is when it may be time to consider stepping back into a relationship with him.... then and only then - in the meantime - YOU need to take care of YOU.

 

he will take you down - only if YOU let him.

Couldn't have said it any better myself....print this and put it up on your wall. Love is an ACTION not about saying I love you and I miss you all day. ugh!!!

[Mombot]

I really think I need to proceed slowly but I really care about this man. I asked myself over the weekend- if everything remained the same and didn't change, would that be enough? 98 percent of what's going on is fine.

[Angel1111]

I really think I need to proceed slowly but I really care about this man. I asked myself over the weekend- if everything remained the same and didn't change, would that be enough? 98 percent of what's going on is fine.

 

We all cared about the people we were with - that was the hook. I wish you the best, Mombot. I really do. I hope it all works out for you, and I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.

[Fieldsofgold]

It is a very well paying job, they pay for lodging food and a healthy salary the rest of us just dream about. It is a contract job.

I really believed him but we'll have to talk again in a few weeks. Am not inviting him up.

 

Nuclear electrician . . . . . . I haven't been around for a few days, I popped back in for a minute, and this is the first thing I read.

 

This is the same guy who told you he couldn't divorce his wife because he couldn't afford his own health insurance policy? Really?????

 

You're being had, sweetie.

 

Youre being played like a fine-tuned violin . . . Played for a fool, that is.

[Mombot]

Not true on the insurance part- most people who have had heart surgery cannot get insured after major surgery, that is true. If you can get a policy it is expensive and has large exclusions, so you are still screwed.

[Fieldsofgold]

Not true on the insurance part- most people who have had heart surgery cannot get insured after major surgery, that is true. If you can get a policy it is expensive and has large exclusions, so you are still screwed.

 

. . . and are you saying he didn't think about needing health insurance before his heart surgery? Everyone I know who has had heart surgery, still has insurance, post op - and in my age group that's quite a few. And these are people who are far from having dream salaries.

 

I'm just saying. If you're ok with it, so am I. It's moments like this when I wonder, are you a troll, or are you really that naive?