I sent her an email

[Mombot]

Neither- worked in ER for 8 years and a lot of people don't value health insurance until they really need it.

[whichwayisup]

Hate to tell you this, but it's just an affair. He has no real plans on changing his life, giving everything up to be with you. He'll keep you on side, and it seems you're happy enough - Didn't you say 98 percent? So the 2 percent must not be that bad if you're willing to stick around and be his OW forever.

Again, he isn't really looking to divorce and marry you. He has 2 women, and freedom..Who knows if he has another OW somewhere else that neither you or his wife know about. I'm just saying it's a possibility.

 

I really believed him but we'll have to talk again in a few weeks.

Yes, you've been had and the fact that after everything, ONE conversation with him and now you "trust" him again and believe the stuff he's telling you.

 

Good luck and shield your heart.

[SidLyon]

I don't remember if I ever posted to this thread before - maybe in its early days.

 

All I can say now, is ... never has so much been said about so little...

[2sunny]

Hate to tell you this, but it's just an affair. He has no real plans on changing his life, giving everything up to be with you. He'll keep you on side, and it seems you're happy enough - Didn't you say 98 percent? So the 2 percent must not be that bad if you're willing to stick around and be his OW forever.

Again, he isn't really looking to divorce and marry you. He has 2 women, and freedom..Who knows if he has another OW somewhere else that neither you or his wife know about. I'm just saying it's a possibility.

 

 

Yes, you've been had and the fact that after everything, ONE conversation with him and now you "trust" him again and believe the stuff he's telling you.

 

Good luck and shield your heart.

 

all that... and he didn't explain his bad behavior about leaving you out when YOU specifically requested to be included while his kids were here. heck, now you are even willing to overlook your needs - the ones you asked him to respect - oh ya, he didn't do that either.

 

you aren't respecting your needs now so why should he? you train people how to treat you - you have trained him that you WILLINGLY settle for being his option.

 

he dropped you when it was convenience for HIM. get used to that - get VERY used to that... since 98% is good enough for you - this is what to expect at every important holiday and event that comes along - you will be left alone - without the man by your side... he has somewhere else he "has" to be in order to keep things clean and moving smoothly. expect nothing = you won't be disappointed.

 

good luck with it all - i wish you well.

[Ellin]

Same with your ridiculous sarcasm.

No, it's just an observation.

 

Mombot is happy with 98% of what's going on. Why can't she just be left to it? Seems like many posters just won't rest until the percentage is taken right down..

Edited August 17, 2010 by Ellin

[Dexter Morgan]

No, it's just an observation.

 

Mombot is happy with 98% of what's going on. Why can't she just be left to it? Seems like many posters just won't rest until the percentage is taken right down..

 

she is happy with 98% of whats going on? First its NC, then its contact, before that it was she is going hunting for a free single man....now its not again.

 

so just what is she 98% happy with?

[Mombot]

I think he really cares about me. He is legally separated not in the home like so many of the MM/MW on this site are. Is there a uture where we live in the same place? Maybe, maybe not. But the level of care is pretty high, so I think I should stop looking for flags that are part of other's stories and give this relationship a chance,

[2sunny]

I think he really cares about me. He is legally separated not in the home like so many of the MM/MW on this site are. Is there a uture where we live in the same place? Maybe, maybe not. But the level of care is pretty high, so I think I should stop looking for flags that are part of other's stories and give this relationship a chance,

 

have you been to his home? do you know if his W thinks he doesn't live there?

 

i know friends in the same field. they live away from this area while they work for months at a time far away.

 

how would his wife know when he's gone so much? how would you know if you've never seen what his family life looks like. he may be away - but do we have evidence that he doesn't actually live there at times?

[Mombot]

The wife is at the family home and he lives at the cabins when he's home.

[2sunny]

Not true on the insurance part- most people who have had heart surgery cannot get insured after major surgery, that is true. If you can get a policy it is expensive and has large exclusions, so you are still screwed.

 

IF this is true then he shows he loves his money more than you.

 

also IF he was worried about paying higher health ins premiums then why would he be intending to purchase a new retirement home.

 

he contradicts himself each time.

 

IF he was worried about money - he wouldn't be buying more property...

[Mombot]

This thread is so long because people anticipated something would happen by contacting the W

And it was a big nothing.

All the AP want to know where they stand.

[bentnotbroken]

This thread is so long because people anticipated something would happen by contacting the W

And it was a big nothing.

All the AP want to know where they stand.

 

 

And you stand right where you did in the beginning of this thread. You made the move to change something by sending that email...what changed for you?

[Mombot]

Everything and nothing. I did find out quite a bit about the M and why they separated- I guess she had had a second A and he moved out and changed careers, yet they did not divorce. I know his separation is legal and unrevoked. I know he really wants to not make a decision until this contract is over. I know he opened a bank account for us, new news today. I had filled in the card a long time ago.

I know I care very much, in an EA way. I know my daughter thinks he is good for me and does not want me to let him go.

[2sunny]

well things are exactly as they were when she started the thread because she decided not to change a thing.

[Angel1111]

Everything and nothing. I did find out quite a bit about the M and why they separated- I guess she had had a second A and he moved out and changed careers, yet they did not divorce. I know his separation is legal and unrevoked. I know he really wants to not make a decision until this contract is over. I know he opened a bank account for us, new news today. I had filled in the card a long time ago.

I know I care very much, in an EA way. I know my daughter thinks he is good for me and does not want me to let him go.

 

I say go for it and see how it works out, with the knowledge that it's somewhat of a gamble. If you go in with that understanding, then if it doesn't work out, you won't end up surprised by that. If it does work out, then you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

I wouldn't be too hard on anyone here about being negative because most of us are speaking from the point of view of what we would do now, knowing what we know. I know that once I found out that a man lied to me - particularly about something as serious as being married or not - it would be game over right then and there. There would nothing more to discuss. But yes there was a time when I would've been more tolerant, would've been more willing to compromise on my values. It's just that I've learned that tolerance and compromising values has worked against me every single time.

 

Please don't mistake the fact that just because someone in your family likes him that that's a good sign. My sister totally loved my xMM and constantly referred to him as her 'future brother-in-law' (in my presence, not his). Just because these relationships don't work out doesn't mean the men aren't completely charming - they typically are very charming, very successful, very intelligent, and very charismatic. Most people love them and that's why we get involved.

 

I'm just concerned that if you don't stay with this, you're going to always wonder 'what if'. So that's why I say stay with it because he makes you happy, you feel comfortable with the situation, and you really don't want to leave. I truly hope it all works out for you.

[Mombot]

I was prepared for the W to say, I want to give my marriage a second chance.

I was prepared for him getting angry at attempted D day- he did not get very excited.

I also have realized by taking some time off that he adds a lot to my life.

I appreciate his intelligence and logic- when I went out with Mr. Handsome Body most women would love and some men too- some think the A is all about physical attraction, but it is more than that, much more.

I don't feel like a part time cupcake.

[Angel1111]

I was prepared for the W to say, I want to give my marriage a second chance.

I was prepared for him getting angry at attempted D day- he did not get very excited.

I also have realized by taking some time off that he adds a lot to my life.

I appreciate his intelligence and logic- when I went out with Mr. Handsome Body most women would love and some men too- some think the A is all about physical attraction, but it is more than that, much more.

I don't feel like a part time cupcake.

 

People who try to portray affairs as purely sexual or physical experiences are just kidding themselves. The majority of affairs are deeply emotional and deeply connected - hence the extreme difficulty in ending them. I didn't think I'd ever be able to leave xMM because I have never loved anyone like that before, never felt such a connection with anyone. I still think he's an awesome person, but the relationship nearly destroyed me. And if I knew then what I know now, I would never have gone down that road. I feel like I'm finally healing but it has taken a long time for me to get there. I was truly crushed to let him go.

 

xMM is the president of the company I work for. I'm sure that due to the number of emails that went between us - that his wife had access to - there was very possibly a D-day that I never knew about. She was extremely jealous of me (for a good reason) and very suspicious of her husband's relationship with me (for a good reason).

 

I don't think there's any way at all that she could not have known about our affair. But that's the problem with these situations, we really do not know what goes on behind the scenes and it's all guesswork. You don't know that his wife isn't trying to get him back or has asked for a second chance. You don't know if he's seeing her when he's not with you. You just don't know and all you can do is go on your instinct and go on your trust of him.

 

I do think his marriage is at an end, I think he has been unhappy for a long time. I totally understand why you want to give this relationship a shot and none of us can tell you for certain whether it will work out or not. Sometimes you just have to dive in and hope that you won't drown. Hey, you only live once, right?

[Mombot]

I know he is not running home- it's 1000+ miles away.

I was impressed I could go a week NC-

He said in 30 days we start to rathole money so we can stay together after this contract is over.

I will watch the online banking an then I think I will have my answer.

[Angel1111]

I know he is not running home- it's 1000+ miles away.

I was impressed I could go a week NC-

He said in 30 days we start to rathole money so we can stay together after this contract is over.

I will watch the online banking an then I think I will have my answer.

 

Yea, money is pretty near and dear to a man's heart so that will pretty much tell the story. I don't think he'd make that statement to you without planning to follow up on it.

[Mombot]

I'm glad he is legally separated- I would not want a bank account with him without that. I do not want to have taken some other woman's money. He said he has a lot invested in me emotionally- now it's time to invest.

He is one person I definitely trust with money.

That is one aspect I don't see much on this board- money is a big deal in marriage, but not so much affairs really.

[2sunny]

The wife is at the family home and he lives at the cabins when he's home.

 

 

yep, this is what he says. have you checked that he's where is is when he says he is? have him followed. the wondering and the need to follow is enough of an answer right there.

 

Everything and nothing. I did find out quite a bit about the M and why they separated- I guess she had had a second A and he moved out and changed careers, yet they did not divorce. I know his separation is legal and unrevoked. I know he really wants to not make a decision until this contract is over. I know he opened a bank account for us, new news today. I had filled in the card a long time ago.

I know I care very much, in an EA way. I know my daughter thinks he is good for me and does not want me to let him go.

 

yep, this is what he says. :rolleyes: may i point out the obvious? HE is seeing you - and is hiding YOU. this is a man that cheats - yet he's pointing the finger at his wife. we also know he lies. why do you believe him so easily when you know he lies?

 

 

I know he is not running home- it's 1000+ miles away.

I was impressed I could go a week NC-

He said in 30 days we start to rathole money so we can stay together after this contract is over.

I will watch the online banking an then I think I will have my answer.

 

 

yep, you check on it. action is key. he can place the money in there all he wants - he can also take it out at any given moment too. there is no security in that. he could start a bank account in YOUR name only - if he's so generous - and YOU would be the only one who could take it out...

 

i guess he's buying more time with his money so you stay longer again... do you realize you just got bought off?

 

 

I'm glad he is legally separated- I would not want a bank account with him without that. I do not want to have taken some other woman's money. He said he has a lot invested in me emotionally- now it's time to invest.

He is one person I definitely trust with money.

That is one aspect I don't see much on this board- money is a big deal in marriage, but not so much affairs really.

 

you are still taking her money. they aren't divorced yet. don't fool yourself so easily. if you wonder if it's ok with his wife - sit down with her - the three of you and have a friendly chat about what's really going on. let her be clear with you that she doesn't mind you taking the family money. then you have her permission to see him and take whatever he wants to give you. besides - wasn't money for health insurance his excuse for not divorcing now? ya, it was... so why would he have all that EXTRA money to save for you in the bank when he can't afford his own health insurance without actually divorcing?

 

i smell a rat - something's off with this MM's plan. he has holes all over his story.

 

the bottom line remains the same. he's not DIVORCED - and YOU are still his OPTION. IF you were the priority he would have had you there with his kids. he didn't even prioritize a call to you when he said he would. oh ya, he lies...

 

i don;t know how you could stand to even look at a man like that - much less sleep with him.

[Ellin]

i don;t know how you could stand to even look at a man like that - much less sleep with him.

Oh goodness! Have I missed something? Is this man now a murderer, or rapist or some sort of criminal?

[NancyBotwin]

Something has bothered me about this thread, but I've not been able to put my finger on it until now. First, it was weird that the wife responded the way she did, now...

 

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT open a joint bank account with him! He can take all the money you put in there! With every post you make about him, he looks like a bigger fraud.

 

Why, why, why would he want to open a joint account with you without being married first? This is a HUGE big blazing red flag!

 

Please do not get involved with him financially without verifying that the assets he owns are really his, and not the wife's. Verify through another source that is NOT him! Other than what he has told you, you know nothing about him. He doesn't even live in the same town you do, right? Have you been to the cabin where he says he lives? Actually seen it, not just pictures? Have you spoken to any of his friends or co-workers?

 

So often we hear of divorced or widowed lonely women being taken advantage of by a slick, charming con man who tells the lady everything she wants to hear, and initially showers her with gifts.

 

I can't believe this isn't a bigger deal for anyone else that is reading this thread. 2sunny, I'm so glad to see you have the same concern.

Edited August 18, 2010 by NancyBotwin

[Angel1111]

The money thing bothers me, too, but it's something hard to put a finger on in terms of his intentions. I can't fathom that most men would do this with anyone that they're dating - whether he's married, separated or single. It just seems an odd thing to do and it would make me feel a little creepy.

 

I didn't think about the possibility of him taking money from you, Mombot, since you didn't mention that you would be contributing to the account. But if that is an expectation, then I would drop him and the whole thing right now. Let's assume for a second that you have no intention of depositing money into that account. My problem still is that, yes in a sense it does 'feel' like a pay-off or a hook. But mostly, it reeks of the possibility that he is hiding money from his wife. In the eyes of the law, they're still married and you're really stepping into a landmine by agreeing to put your name on the account. You do realize that some wives are now suing the OW. I would really hate to see you get into that type of situation because of this. I mean, you could plead ignorance to dating him because he's legally separated. But agreeing to a joint bank account while he's still legally married is a whole other thing.

 

Again, if you insist on staying in this relationship, I hope that you will tread very carefully. From where I'm standing (and several others), I can see a lot of red flags and you don't have to look too hard for them. I still can't get past the lie he told you about being divorced. This is so huge, I can't emphasize it enough. Sorry to harp on it and sorry to be negative because I know you don't want to hear it - but we're all concerned about your well-being.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Angel1111

[Mombot]

Not going to put funds in there.