I sent her an email

[Ms. Red]

Mombot, you know how you feel after your weekend to clear your head and then talking w/ him. If you are secure and feel you are doing the right thing that is best for you, then that's great.

 

My Opinion: As long as you keep posting here, whatever you post, ppl are going to get all dramatic on you. They thrive on it. They say it in the name of caring for you. But once you don't listen to them then they are quick to spit out the cookie cutter responses that includes the words, table-scraps, 2nd fiddle, leftovers, nasty-little-secret.....blah blah blah.

 

If you post one and two sentences, they will fill in the gaps with drama. If you post a lengthy thought out post, they will break it down & tear it apart with drama.

 

I have spoken in pm's w/ ppl that found hanging around this forum just brought on doubts they never had before. They found themselves questioning their relationship to an extent that caused stress and problems that didn't even exist before reading the cookie cutter responses here.

 

You know what is best for you. You don't have to answer every post and you don't have to defend how you feel. I support whatever you choose to do. I wish you well.

[Ellin]

I processed my own divorce. Pretty simple. If everything's 'sorted' it's really not that hard or time-consuming. And if he's as self-sufficient financially as he makes out, he'll have a lawyer doing the nitty-gritty for him, yes?

 

So it's not insurance or money stopping him. It's time....

Mombot. This seems so odd. Are you really okay with the situation???

Right, so you now KNOW it's not insurance or money stopping him. How on earth have you established that?

 

It's funny how posters write "I did x or y in the past so this MM could do the same". It never occurs to anyone that every person and their circumstances are completely different?

 

What has your D to with the situation? You're not even in the same country as Mombot.

 

As fas as the insurance is concerned I thought that's been made clear many times on this thread - he does need it.

[Ellin]

No, YOU anticipated something would happen by contacting her.

 

most of us wondered why you would contact her if they are legally seperated. it was nothing more than to rub salt in a wound.

 

 

 

then you find out from the lying cheating MM where things stand. You leave the wife alone if it has been established that they are seperated. Any contact initiated by you is an attempt to get her goat.

 

and like you said, the reaction was a big nothing......not what you had hoped for.

Who the heck are "most of US". In whose name are you speaking?

[Ellin]

Also it would seem that if he uses his "separated" wife for her health insurance, he's not above using another woman in a bank account status financially.

Why do you think he USES his W? If they're legally separated then she is likely to be aware of every aspect of her situation and be ok with it. It hardly can be called using. Health insurance is essential for everyone. It is a legitimate reason to stay M while both spouses agree to separate. It's between themand them only, not for outsiders to comment or judge.

[Silly_Girl]

Right, so you now KNOW it's not insurance or money stopping him. How on earth have you established that?

 

It's funny how posters write "I did x or y in the past so this MM could do the same". It never occurs to anyone that every person and their circumstances are completely different?

 

What has your D to with the situation? You're not even in the same country as Mombot.

 

As fas as the insurance is concerned I thought that's been made clear many times on this thread - he does need it.

 

Oh Ellin, don't be daft. Of course we draw on our own experiences. I'm not criticising him for HIS assertion that time is stopping him from divorcing; I'm surprised that it is his reason, in his circumstances, and pointing out that I think we (us readers collectively) had believed the obstacle to divorce to be health insurance related, but apparently it is not.

 

If the man Mombot is in love with is refusing to divorce his wife, but wants to become tied to Mombot financially I'd recommend she have a clear understanding of how the land lies and WHY he will not get a divorce. At the moment I thought it was a little unclear.

[Ellin]

Mombot, you know how you feel after your weekend to clear your head and then talking w/ him. If you are secure and feel you are doing the right thing that is best for you, then that's great.

 

My Opinion: As long as you keep posting here, whatever you post, ppl are going to get all dramatic on you. They thrive on it. They say it in the name of caring for you. But once you don't listen to them then they are quick to spit out the cookie cutter responses that includes the words, table-scraps, 2nd fiddle, leftovers, nasty-little-secret.....blah blah blah.

 

If you post one and two sentences, they will fill in the gaps with drama. If you post a lengthy thought out post, they will break it down & tear it apart with drama.

 

I have spoken in pm's w/ ppl that found hanging around this forum just brought on doubts they never had before. They found themselves questioning their relationship to an extent that caused stress and problems that didn't even exist before reading the cookie cutter responses here.

 

You know what is best for you. You don't have to answer every post and you don't have to defend how you feel. I support whatever you choose to do. I wish you well.

I agree Ms. Red. It's hard to watch this vulture frenzy spectacle. I cannot believe what this thread has descented into. Literally Mombot's every word is jumped on and twisted. All the frightening scenarios presented could almost be basis for several thrillers or crime films/novels and they even contradict one another.

 

The truth is that what is being made of it is what the authors of the posts want to make of it. If they were written by people wanting to look at the positive side of it, it would be a completely different story.

[Ellin]

Oh Ellin, don't be daft. Of course we draw on our own experiences. I'm not criticising him for HIS assertion that time is stopping him from divorcing; I'm surprised that it is his reason, in his circumstances, and pointing out that I think we (us readers collectively) had believed the obstacle to divorce to be health insurance related, but apparently it is not.

 

If the man Mombot is in love with is refusing to divorce his wife, but wants to become tied to Mombot financially I'd recommend she have a clear understanding of how the land lies and WHY he will not get a divorce. At the moment I thought it was a little unclear.

I must have missed something. When did it become clear that he doesn't need his health insurance?

 

Drawing on our experiences is one thing and saying that someone is lying because he/she doesn't do what we did is quite another.

 

Mombot said her life is better with him in it. I think she doesn't need to be panicked into some frantic detective work to know EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. She is the one who knows more than we do about her life, her feelings and her situation and that should be respected. She's ok with the way things are now. Why can't she be allowed to relax and enjoy it? Life is short.

 

She is not stupid and if she sees any signs of things going wrong she's going to do something about it. Now she believes it's worth giving a try.

 

I agree, however, with being cautious about money as I personally don't mix money with feelings. It's ok to put money together for the future but I would do it in a way that involves no risk.

[Silly_Girl]

He told me it would be impossible to focus on his nuclear job and get divorced long distance,

 

Ellin, this is the post I was referring to.

[Ellin]

Ellin, this is the post I was referring to.

So that completely invalidated the need for the insurance? I don't see the logic. Perhaps he meant there's too many problems to sort out long distance, insurance being one of them.

 

Thanks for the clarification though.

[White Flower]

Newly registered here, but a longtime lurker. This thread has brought me out of the shadows, as it were. As many others have already alluded, this is not the kind of situation to be taken lightly or ignored.

 

So, let's cut to the chase: this MM is clearly a professional cheater. Look at the strategies he employs - they are all relatively textbook, but they are still remarkably effective (apparently):

 

• Multiple cell phone accounts - hence the "missing phone" incidents
  
• Mobile lifestyle
  
• Lies
  
• One-liner conversation-ending excuses when confronted
  

If you are serious about this, then you need to insist that he get divorced. Issue an ultimatum. Any honest man who is serious about a relationship with you would have already set those wheels in motion. If he doesn't want to go through with it even then, that's a very easy answer about how serious he is about you.

 

If he accepts this challenge and goes through with said divorce, you would still have to ask yourself if you have a clear conscience about continuing forward with someone who has proven to be blatantly untrustworthy repeatedly.

 

So, in other words, unless honesty is unimportant to you, get out of this situation immediately.

Thanks for coming out of lurking Aragorn!

 

Great post and food for thought for Mombot. I recognize a lot of truth in your post having dealt with a serial MM.

 

It IS plausible, however, that he relies on his W's medical insurance; however, if he is as successful as he portrays himself, I'm sure he could give up some of the cell phone accounts and other amenities to get a D, split assets, and use some of that to finance a purchased insurance program.

 

I hope you stress this with him Mombot.

[complicatedlife]

I have spoken in pm's w/ ppl that found hanging around this forum just brought on doubts they never had before. They found themselves questioning their relationship...

I agree. This can definitely, absolutely happen when you have too many opinions and suggestions to weigh in on...which is one of the reasons why I often take breaks from LS. Sometimes you need to hear your own voice; sometimes it parrelels what people write here, and sometimes it doesn't. Whatever the case, my suggestion, OP, is to every now and then, shut everything out and learn to listen to your own voice, and perhaps the voice of your higher being, if you have one.

[Dexter Morgan]

Who the heck are "most of US". In whose name are you speaking?

 

those in the thread who agreed about her motives for emailing the wife.

 

go back and read it for yourself.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have to disagree. If something doesn't jive and you are looking for the truth chances are you'll find it, or will have to find it, elsewhere. Mombot found it and now she can deal with it.

 

She didn't email her asking her what the status is between her husband and her. I don't believe for a second that she was looking for info like that.

 

She wanted to rub the W's nose in crap by telling her they were involved. And I suspect the email was just as short and silly as most of the replies here.

[BB07]

those in the thread who agreed about her motives for emailing the wife.

 

go back and read it for yourself.

 

 

Get off that horse Dex, you are beating it to death.

 

Her motives were varied.

[Dexter Morgan]

Get off that horse Dex, you are beating it to death.

 

Her motives were varied.

 

It doesn't change the fact that she need not rub the wife's nose in crap.

[Mombot]

Even though I'm single and he's legally separated, Dexter always makes me feel like I have giant cracks in my moral fiber,

I am not wrecking a home with small children, I am not seeing multiple people.

[BB07]

Even though I'm single and he's legally separated, Dexter always makes me feel like I have giant cracks in my moral fiber,

I am not wrecking a home with small children, I am not seeing multiple people.

 

 

Some people get hung on ONE point, Mombot.

 

I think I get why you did it, you wanted her response as a way to gauge what is really going on with them. You even wanted his response to you doing it, as a way to try to figure out where his loyalty really lies. You just wanted answers and were desperate to get them, one way or the other.

 

The question is how do you feel about things now? What is your gut telling you? Do you still think something is not quite right? Are you satisfied with what he has told you?

[Mombot]

Some people get hung on ONE point, Mombot.

 

I think I get why you did it, you wanted her response as a way to gauge what is really going on with them. You even wanted his response to you doing it, as a way to try to figure out where his loyalty really lies. You just wanted answers and were desperate to get them, one way or the other.

 

The question is how do you feel about things now? What is your gut telling you? Do you still think something is not quite right? Are you satisfied with what he has told you?

I actually think I am satisfied with our discussions today. He said he has own timeline planned of how he is going to handle things with his family and it is all designed to make his life easier. When he is done with this contract we will pick out some residences and keep mine here in California. By the tone and direction of the conversation, it is exactly the way we planned for things we have done.

And yes, I wanted to know what was the deal.

[Dexter Morgan]

Even though I'm single and he's legally separated, Dexter always makes me feel like I have giant cracks in my moral fiber,

I am not wrecking a home with small children, I am not seeing multiple people.

 

you completely miss the point. If they are in fact seperated and you justify it based on that, then fine, I'll give you that.

 

The problem I have is with your intentions on contacting the wife. IMO you simply wanted to get her goat. If they are seperated and there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, then there was no reason to contact her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Some people get hung on ONE point, Mombot.

 

I think I get why you did it, you wanted her response as a way to gauge what is really going on with them. You even wanted his response to you doing it, as a way to try to figure out where his loyalty really lies. You just wanted answers and were desperate to get them, one way or the other.

 

Ah, so its ok to rub someone's nose in crap to simply get answers? How despicable.

 

the wife did nothing to her, she should leave her the hell alone.

[White Flower]

Ah, so its ok to rub someone's nose in crap to simply get answers? How despicable.

 

the wife did nothing to her, she should leave her the hell alone.

Dexter, why does it have to be about rubbing someone's nose into it?

 

I thought you were of the camp that the truth should be told to the BS. If the BS in this case didn't know before, she does now. She was put on a level playing field with the amunition she needed to decide how to play her politics. I thought you might be of the team that applauded that.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, why does it have to be about rubbing someone's nose into it?

 

because of the nature of her email to her. She didn't write and tell her something like

 

"I just wanted you to know I am in an affair with your husband. I thought you should know and that it was my understanding that you are seperated.

My intention is not to hurt you and you have done nothing to me.

But I'm confused. If you are truly seperated, then that was my understanding.

If you are not seperated, then I need to make a decision about my life and it was my understanding that you and your H aren't together and working towards divorce.

 

I just simply wanted answers and felt I wasn't getting them from him

"

 

 

 

But that wasn't the nature of her email. She just wanted a reaction out of her, hence the short and sweet nature without explaining anything.

 

She wanted to get a rise out of the wife, pure and simple.

 

 

I thought you were of the camp that the truth should be told to the BS.

 

I am. And she should have told her. but MB maintains that they are seperated, so no need to contact her.

 

And if they weren't seperated, she should have compassion for the wife rather than simply emailing her with a short message about how she is with him.

 

 

If the BS in this case didn't know before, she does now.

 

according to MB they are seperated, therefore she is doing nothing wrong, she said this herself a few posts up.

 

and if she isn't doing anything wrong, and neither is the supposedly separated MM, then no need to contact the wife. If they are doing nothing wrong, then its not an affair right? Its just MB waiting for a divorce to finally happen.

 

 

She was put on a level playing field with the amunition she needed to decide how to play her politics. I thought you might be of the team that applauded that.

 

I am. But according to MB, both her and MM are not doing anything wrong and the wife and MM aren't together.

 

Face it, she wanted to piss off the wife. Otherwise her email would have taken a different form.

[White Flower]

because of the nature of her email to her. She didn't write and tell her something like

 

"I just wanted you to know I am in an affair with your husband. I thought you should know and that it was my understanding that you are seperated.

My intention is not to hurt you and you have done nothing to me.

But I'm confused. If you are truly seperated, then that was my understanding.

If you are not seperated, then I need to make a decision about my life and it was my understanding that you and your H aren't together and working towards divorce.

 

I just simply wanted answers and felt I wasn't getting them from him

"

 

 

 

But that wasn't the nature of her email. She just wanted a reaction out of her, hence the short and sweet nature without explaining anything.

 

She wanted to get a rise out of the wife, pure and simple.

 

 

 

 

I am. And she should have told her. but MB maintains that they are seperated, so no need to contact her.

 

And if they weren't seperated, she should have compassion for the wife rather than simply emailing her with a short message about how she is with him.

 

 

 

 

according to MB they are seperated, therefore she is doing nothing wrong, she said this herself a few posts up.

 

and if she isn't doing anything wrong, and neither is the supposedly separated MM, then no need to contact the wife. If they are doing nothing wrong, then its not an affair right? Its just MB waiting for a divorce to finally happen.

 

 

 

 

I am. But according to MB, both her and MM are not doing anything wrong and the wife and MM aren't together.

 

Face it, she wanted to piss off the wife. Otherwise her email would have taken a different form.

I went back and read the first few pages. By the way, I appreciate your well thought response Dexter.

 

But I disagree, respectfully. I think Mombot is a woman of few words. It is apparent in her writing style throughout all her posting. I can see myself writing the sample letter you provided, but then again I am very wordy. But Mombot? Not so much. I don't think her lack of wordiness denotes pestering or antagonizing behavior.

[Ms. Red]

I went back and read the first few pages. By the way, I appreciate your well thought response Dexter.

 

But I disagree, respectfully. I think Mombot is a woman of few words. It is apparent in her writing style throughout all her posting. I can see myself writing the sample letter you provided, but then again I am very wordy. But Mombot? Not so much. I don't think her lack of wordiness denotes pestering or antagonizing behavior.

 

Yes she is. In fact, in one of her posts I remember her stating she doesn't want to give out TMI. But, she was poked and prodded and trickled out info as the posters wanted only for them to turn it against her. It's like I said:

 

If you post one and two sentences, they will fill in the gaps with drama. If you post a lengthy thought out post, they will break it down & tear it apart with drama.

[Dexter Morgan]

I went back and read the first few pages. By the way, I appreciate your well thought response Dexter.

 

But I disagree, respectfully. I think Mombot is a woman of few words.

 

I don't believe it is about her being a woman of few words.

 

remember, she also resented being ignored when he was with his family. she has no place being offended in that situation.