I sent her an email

[Summer Breeze]

When a man pursues me and establishes a relationship with me, inserting himself into my head, my heart, and/or between my legs, he has already gotten all up into MY privacy. So why is HIS privacy so sacred?

 

You said it! As a born again not OW (better than reformed huh?) I say why should the WS get away with it? As far as hurting the BS well if the WS wasn't straying the BS wouldn't be in the situation. What does it matter if the day of reckoning is brought on by the end of the relationship or by dday? Anyone who is close to us is 'all that' right up to the time they do something stupid and aren't anymore. What's the difference with the OP lashing out if that's what they'd do if a more standard relationship ended poorly? I'm sorry but I don't think just because theres a BS on the other side it should offer the WS any protection.

 

Yes I was a BS and I speak from experience on that side as well. The OW told me and I believed my H. Glad she did and horrified I didn't listen. The one person who finally manned up was 5 2 and probably weighed 120 lbs soaking wet. Did she do it because she was angry, without any doubt. Doesn't matter because at the end of the day she could have walked away and left me vulnerable to him doing it to me again. Ok he did but at least that time I got it and got rid of him.

[jennie-jennie]

You said it! As a born again not OW (better than reformed huh?) I say why should the WS get away with it? As far as hurting the BS well if the WS wasn't straying the BS wouldn't be in the situation. What does it matter if the day of reckoning is brought on by the end of the relationship or by dday? Anyone who is close to us is 'all that' right up to the time they do something stupid and aren't anymore. What's the difference with the OP lashing out if that's what they'd do if a more standard relationship ended poorly? I'm sorry but I don't think just because theres a BS on the other side it should offer the WS any protection.

 

Yes I was a BS and I speak from experience on that side as well. The OW told me and I believed my H. Glad she did and horrified I didn't listen. The one person who finally manned up was 5 2 and probably weighed 120 lbs soaking wet. Did she do it because she was angry, without any doubt. Doesn't matter because at the end of the day she could have walked away and left me vulnerable to him doing it to me again. Ok he did but at least that time I got it and got rid of him.

 

Thanks, I needed to hear that. It means even more that it is a BS saying it.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks, I needed to hear that. It means even more that it is a BS saying it.

 

Not a problem sweetie. My advice for you is to hold on as long as you're still happy with the situation. If he was a workaholic that's just what you'd do. You'd love him and keep trying till it just wasn't enough for you.

 

As far as telling his W well that's his choice at this point and if decides to sit on the fence and play with the two of you then he should get what he deserves when it falls apart. I'd prefer if you told her now but I couldn't do it when I was an OW either. You love him and want all you can get for as long as you can and when the time comes there's nothing left the tough decisions come (hmmm OP BS some of the lines zig zag here). Part of his consequences may well be his W finding out. If he's any sort of man he'll pick his partner and find some honesty for her and some compassion for you. I do think he can be split self but I still don't like the fact he can do this for years and be under the impression he will never ever have any consequences for the way he's conducting himself. You've had to pay the price and she has even if she doesn't know it. Sorry but don't think your man should be getting off scot free.

 

I'm a little heartless and I think it's best for the BS to find out sometime than not at all. Sometimes people think the OW is happily not telling the W as the A goes on and then gets all spiteful if it falls apart but I don't see it that way. The A is a relationship and she's giving him chances and opportunities (much like being involved with a workaholic or alcoholic) and if it finally comes to blows and she walks I think at that point she should tell the BS.

 

Think I've gone off topic and sorry for that.

[scatterd]

I don't understand why everybody thinks its so wrong for her to call the wife and find out the answers she is seeking.She did what she needed to.If he runs to his wife she has the answer and Will know where to go from there.It took guts for her to do that we should support her.She needed to know its been hurting and nagging at her for months.Im sure she knew what could happen and it was worth the risk to have peace.

[lolapalooza]

I hope nothing bad happened to the OP.

[stillafool]

When a man pursues me and establishes a relationship with me, inserting himself into my head, my heart, and/or between my legs, he has already gotten all up into MY privacy. So why is HIS privacy so sacred?

 

I imagine he thinks when a woman establishes a relationship with him inserting herself into his head, heart and he connects his body with hers he feels she has already gotten all up into HIS privacy as well. Relationships are a two way street, not just hers or his.

[Summer Breeze]

I imagine he thinks when a woman establishes a relationship with him inserting herself into his head, heart and he connects his body with hers he feels she has already gotten all up into HIS privacy as well. Relationships are a two way street, not just hers or his.

 

So I'm assuming you're talking about the OW (our OP) as being that person? So again I'm assuming she has the right to question him and bugger his privacy?

[stillafool]

So I'm assuming you're talking about the OW (our OP) as being that person? So again I'm assuming she has the right to question him and bugger his privacy?

 

I think if a couple is healthy in their relationship you should be able to ask what you need to know and get an honest answer. If you feel that your partner is not trustworthy then move on. Otherwise you will find yourself constantly having to "snoop" to find the truth. Who wants to live their life that way?

[sadintexas]

I think if a couple is healthy in their relationship you should be able to ask what you need to know and get an honest answer. If you feel that your partner is not trustworthy then move on. Otherwise you will find yourself constantly having to "snoop" to find the truth. Who wants to live their life that way?

 

I totally agree. Being as he lied to her from the beginning, I totally understand why she wants to verify this information on her own. Trust is earned and if it takes her independently verifying the truth to regain trust, then so be it.

 

Simply because he breached her trust in the first place though does not mean she sould automatically throw in the towel (I would and this is an OW situation so I definitely would, but generally speaking). If she sees enough in him and their future and this is what it takes for her to move forward with him and/or get the facts once and for all to be able to move away from him, then I'm very glad she did what she did.

 

IMO, being an A, this is not a healthy situation in the first place. Acceptance of that and the pitfalls that come with that is necessary to truly make your way in this type of relationship. Only when she realizes that a relationship beginning with deceit is not one worth having will she realize how much truth is in your statement. So until then, she has to make her way the best way she sees fit.

[sadintexas]

I hope nothing bad happened to the OP.

 

Me too. When she first posted I thought she had emailed and then he was on his way to see her after the fact (I wasn't aware that he didn't know of the email yet).

 

I am afraid that he is still very much married and she will not be prepared for the backlash from this. I hope she is keeping herself safe.

[BB07]

I too am worried about Mombot.......I was hard on her.

 

I hope she comes in soon and update us.

[Ellin]

I am so confused. people on here always say to tell, now that someone has everyone is going to beat her up for it?

 

I think she was well within her rights to contact the BS. She just should have discussed it with the sMM first.

I've always been confused about this advice, recommending to contact the BS. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

Obviously if it's done without MM's knowledge it's no good, but on the other hand I can't imagine any MM agreeing to it. I think great majority of them would prefer if dealing with the BS was left to them.

 

There is some contradiction here. OW trying to make an A situation better by contacting BS behind MM's back looks to me like sabotaging her own interest and making things even more complicated. Unless she thinks it is in her interest to blow things up.

 

But yes, I recall people recommending it in an earlier thread on this forum. Now that it's happened the tune has changed. Again.

[califnan]

Mombot, Come up for air - so we'll know he didn't kill you ..

[jwi71]

I've always been confused about this advice, recommending to contact the BS. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

Sure it does.

It ends the A that most OW find themselves "stuck" in.

 

Obviously if it's done without MM's knowledge it's no good, but on the other hand I can't imagine any MM agreeing to it. I think great majority of them would prefer if dealing with the BS was left to them.

 

Unintentionally hilarious.

Of course the MM wants to deal with the BS...this way he keep lying to the BS and the AP - aka continuing to have cake and eat it too.

 

However, it seems to me that the most important goal for BOTH the OW/OM and the MM/MW is maintaining the status quo. At least, that's what their actions say.

 

There is some contradiction here. OW trying to make an A situation better by contacting BS behind MM's back looks to me like sabotaging her own interest and making things even more complicated. Unless she thinks it is in her interest to blow things up.

 

This is pure gold. Because the only way contacting the BS makes things worse for the OW is if the MM ain't leaving (aka cake eating). Again, telling disrupts the status quo (and his perfect little world).

 

Every OW/OM should read that quote and understand what it means.

In it, you uncover the futility in wanting more.

(except in rare circumstances - that's for you GEL and Owoman )

 

 

But yes, I recall people recommending it in an earlier thread on this forum. Now that it's happened the tune has changed. Again.

 

Who did?

[lolapalooza]

Somebody sure likes to use the rolly eyes in all her posts. Kinda dilutes the effect and defeats the purpose.

[BB07]

I've always been confused about this advice, recommending to contact the BS. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

Obviously if it's done without MM's knowledge it's no good, but on the other hand I can't imagine any MM agreeing to it. I think great majority of them would prefer if dealing with the BS was left to them.

 

There is some contradiction here. OW trying to make an A situation better by contacting BS behind MM's back looks to me like sabotaging her own interest and making things even more complicated. Unless she thinks it is in her interest to blow things up.

 

But yes, I recall people recommending it in an earlier thread on this forum. Now that it's happened the tune has changed. Again.

 

 

The way I see it.......just being the particular nature of an affair, the people involved know that there is a certain amount of lying, cheating going on, THOSE ARE FACTS! So.........with that knowledge it naturally makes for a certain amount of distrust, more than is normally found at the beginning of a relationship, it's an affair right? So........the OW is naturally more suspicious, and yes she should be, so if she is SMART she will verify that what she has been told is the truth. It's stupid to blindly trust the other party in any relationship, so why shouldn't the information of KNOWING it's an affair put people on an even higher ALERT status.

 

 

 

Now, regarding Mombot........she already knew he had told a HUGE lie, he said he was divorced, but wasn't. BIG RED FLAG. She was all over the place with her posts, pretending to us and her that this man wasn't a big deal to her, but it was clear HE WAS. Sometimes she would acknowledge her suspicions sometimes she would not, but her gut has been telling her all along that something was off and after the BIG lie, she had her suspicions that he probably wasn't even separated. In hindsight, it would have been better for all concerned to verify things in other ways, but IF the man wasn't lying and was telling her the truth and he really loves her.......he will get over this, he will understand that she had reason to get a little crazy. Sure he might cause him some problems, but nothing that can't be fixed........IF he wasn't lying about being separated.

 

Sadly......I think that he WAS lying to Mombot and she is laying low trying to sort it out and trying to figure out if the next lie he told her is true or not. I'm afraid he is working her still.

[Ellin]

This thread was pretty tame......

 

Why all the yelling and sarcasm?

 

Most were telling her to talk to him, not sneak into his things and secretly email his W.

 

I think it assumes that the OP has a weak mind to say that she let an internet board influence her decision to not trust her MM. From what she's always posted, I think he did a good job of that from the beginning in lying to her about being married at all. (Sound familiar? Its the MPs actions that cause the distrust, IMO)

 

Mombot has chosen not to be a passive OW and just accept things as they come. She wants more - and while I don't like the snooping, I understand why she did it - and is doing what she needs to do to get it. If he's a good guy, he won't hold it against her and will try to understand the position he put her in to begin with. But, if he's not separated as claimed, just like he first claimed to be divorced, he's going to be pissed.

 

And who does he have to blame for that? Some strangers on the internet or himself?

Good or bad is irrelevant. No one would like to be treated in his way, snooped on and openly been showed distrust, not to mention meddling in his own affairs. Just in case someone assigns to me again something I never said - this does not mean I am defending his actions.

 

From what I've gathered here, and know to be true even offline - having an opinion repeated to you when you don't want it rarely causes you to change your view. It usually causes you to dig your heels in and fight the view you reject. So I think that if anything, Mombot came here not trusting him. Not the other way around.

 

But that's just me.....*shrug*

Accept it - the advice you give to people DOES INFLUENCE them in some degree. Especially if someone is very upset, confused and thus vulnerable.

 

An internet community with strong opinions, advertising itself as a support group, and evoking feelings like guilt and shame to convince someone what they should do - can be quite a strong influence, especially in regards to something that cannot be discussed with people IRL.

 

So - as I have always tried to warn - giving advice which content or way of presenting is not really for the good of its receiver, makes you partly responsible for whatever happens to them as a result.

[Ellin]

The way I see it.......just being the particular nature of an affair, the people involved know that there is a certain amount of lying, cheating going on, THOSE ARE FACTS! So.........with that knowledge it naturally makes for a certain amount of distrust, more than is normally found at the beginning of a relationship, it's an affair right? So........the OW is naturally more suspicious, and yes she should be, so if she is SMART she will verify that what she has been told is the truth. It's stupid to blindly trust the other party in any relationship, so why shouldn't the information of KNOWING it's an affair put people on an even higher ALERT status.

 

 

 

Now, regarding Mombot........she already knew he had told a HUGE lie, he said he was divorced, but wasn't. BIG RED FLAG. She was all over the place with her posts, pretending to us and her that this man wasn't a big deal to her, but it was clear HE WAS. Sometimes she would acknowledge her suspicions sometimes she would not, but her gut has been telling her all along that something was off and after the BIG lie, she had her suspicions that he probably wasn't even separated. In hindsight, it would have been better for all concerned to verify things in other ways, but IF the man wasn't lying and was telling her the truth and he really loves her.......he will get over this, he will understand that she had reason to get a little crazy. Sure he might cause him some problems, but nothing that can't be fixed........IF he wasn't lying about being separated.

 

Sadly......I think that he WAS lying to Mombot and she is laying low trying to sort it out and trying to figure out if the next lie he told her is true or not. I'm afraid he is working her still.

If OW has reasons not to trust, she should find other ways to verify what she hears from MM or leave.

 

How does she know you can trust what BS tell her? There's a pretty good chance of BS's response containing a great number of false statements that can actually make things worse.

[BB07]

If OW has reasons not to trust, she should find other ways to verify what she hears from MM or leave.

I said the exact same thing, many, many moons ago.

 

How does she know you can trust what BS tell her? There's a pretty good chance of BS's response containing a great number of false statements that can actually make things worse.

 

I never implied nor said that she would get accurate information from the bs.

 

As I've said over and over.......she should have verified, proved without a doubt, hard cold proof, that he was telling her the truth. And.......she had every right to do it and she needed to do it in order to get her answers, since he told that HUGE LIE to start with.

 

All this BS about she should blindly have trusted him......is just BS, and no I'm not saying you said that to her Ellin, I don't recall if you did or not.

[Mombot]

I told him I sent her an email. He said, well, I'm actually more concerned what my kids think.

That was pretty much it. He did not bring a cell phone, I know he has not talked to her yet. She did not reply to me, and probably hasn't read it- don't know.

[BB07]

I told him I sent her an email. He said, well, I'm actually more concerned what my kids think.

That was pretty much it. He did not bring a cell phone, I know he has not talked to her yet. She did not reply to me, and probably hasn't read it- don't know.

 

Well glad to know you are OK mombot.

 

Strange he wouldn't bring a cellphone, don't you find that odd?

 

You still need and deserve your answers mombot......you really do. You can get them one way or the other.

[Summer Breeze]

I think if a couple is healthy in their relationship you should be able to ask what you need to know and get an honest answer. If you feel that your partner is not trustworthy then move on. Otherwise you will find yourself constantly having to "snoop" to find the truth. Who wants to live their life that way?

 

Anyone who feels they need to temper their trust with a little verification. Not one person on this planet is 100% trustworthy. I trust my son implicitly most of the time but sometimes it's wise to make sure he's doing what he says. As a born again non BS I learned that I will never ever ever give that extreme level of trust again. I will do my best but I will never be blindsided by that trust and I will never expect it from anyone else.

 

In the extreme any BS that's reconciling is living that life just like an OP.

[Summer Breeze]

If OW has reasons not to trust, she should find other ways to verify what she hears from MM or leave.

 

How does she know you can trust what BS tell her? There's a pretty good chance of BS's response containing a great number of false statements that can actually make things worse.

 

Amen to that. I lied like a rug when I was talking to the OW. You'd have thought we were in marital nirvana and I was some sort of nymphette who could deliver a bl00 job while tidying the kitchen and changing a diaper. I was perfection walking and every word he uttered about her was a jazillion times worse than it was. I wasn't having her think she bothered me or had any effect on my life. Funny because the only one who did bother and who did have an effect on my life was lamo H.

[Ellin]

Sure it does.

It ends the A that most OW find themselves "stuck" in.

And that's why you like it.

 

 

Unintentionally hilarious.

Of course the MM wants to deal with the BS...this way he keep lying to the BS and the AP - aka continuing to have cake and eat it too.

 

However, it seems to me that the most important goal for BOTH the OW/OM and the MM/MW is maintaining the status quo. At least, that's what their actions say.

jwi, you really need to try harder at logic. What's hilarious (especially unintentionally) about saying that MM would not be likely to agree for OW to contact BS. The hilarious bit is the advice that says it is good for OW to contact BS but only with MM's knowledge, not my comment about it. I only stated the obvious.

 

 

This is pure gold. Because the only way contacting the BS makes things worse for the OW is if the MM ain't leaving (aka cake eating). Again, telling disrupts the status quo (and his perfect little world).

 

Every OW/OM should read that quote and understand what it means.

In it, you uncover the futility in wanting more.

(except in rare circumstances - that's for you GEL and Owoman )

Again, what I wrote was in response to the above mention advice, which is seen by some as a way to make the R with MM possibly better (BS will be informed and OW and MM an live happily ever after). I just pointed out that it can make it worse in many ways (even if MM was thinking about D, for example, this sort of move might complicate things further). Of course for someone like you, who believe that the only acceptable way forward is NC, this is a step in the right direction.

 

 

 

Who did?

You can check it for yourself.

[Ellin]

I told him I sent her an email. He said, well, I'm actually more concerned what my kids think.

That was pretty much it. He did not bring a cell phone, I know he has not talked to her yet. She did not reply to me, and probably hasn't read it- don't know.

That's good, Mombot. Seems like a good reaction, how do you feel about it?

 

I'm glad you're ok and I wish you all the best.