I sent her an email

[Ellin]

Somebody sure likes to use the rolly eyes in all her posts. Kinda dilutes the effect and defeats the purpose.

:rolleyes: Who are you talking about,lola? :rolleyes:

[norajane]

I told him I sent her an email. He said, well, I'm actually more concerned what my kids think.

That was pretty much it. He did not bring a cell phone, I know he has not talked to her yet. She did not reply to me, and probably hasn't read it- don't know.

 

That does not sound like a man worried that his cheating has just been exposed to his wife. Perhaps he really is separated.

 

Did he discuss with you how he was going to "make an honest woman" out of you, as he said he would? Like, as in getting a divorce?

[jwi71]

That does not sound like a man worried that his cheating has just been exposed to his wife. Perhaps he really is separated.

 

Did he discuss with you how he was going to "make an honest woman" out of you, as he said he would? Like, as in getting a divorce?

 

I would now ask the most obvious question(s):

Have you filed for D?

Where? (most courts put these online as they are public record)

When will the D be final?

Why would his kids be upset?

Why did he lie about his M status?

 

This COULD be very good for you.

Move cautiously until you are satisfied he is open and honest with you.

 

The direct approach is, imo, the best. It eliminates all the BS and gets straight to the "answers".

 

Good luck mombot...

[jwi71]

And that's why you like it.

 

Correct.

My advice to the OM/OW is to end the A - mostly because they are not happy. This way, they have a shot at a legitimate R with the "MM/MW" or they find out, rudely, where the MM/MW heart truly lies. In any case, my goal is to end the A - one way or the other.

 

Actions over words. But, that's just me.

 

What's hilarious (especially unintentionally) about saying that MM would not be likely to agree for OW to contact BS

 

You've got to be kidding me. However, maybe you really don't get it.

Of course the MM/MW doesn't want the BS to speak with the AP - its called D-day. Its called both the OW/OM and the BS getting a cold soaking of reality. And we all know what reality does to the A - ends it mighty quick. At least until until the WS gaslights and lies his/her to a more passive home life - then reengages.

 

Furthermore, if the home was so bad, the MM/MW would welcome the revelation by the AP to the BS. Now he/she can be free - the decision they were "unable" to make has been made.

 

Care to puzzle me why THAT is so rare?

Why the MM/MW shields the "home life" for a number of previously well discussed "reasons"?

 

The hilarious bit is the advice that says it is good for OW to contact BS but only with MM's knowledge, not my comment about it. I only stated the obvious.

 

I have said it both ways.

However, I believe my stand on that has changed.

I think, for reasons that have NOTHING to do with the WS, the AP should inform the WS that the BS will be contacted. And then do so.

I doubt the AP will ever do so (or need to given the WS's face at that point)...

Again, what I wrote was in response to the above mention advice, which is seen by some as a way to make the R with MM possibly better (BS will be informed and OW and MM an live happily ever after)

 

You assume I care who the MM/MW ends up with.

I don't. I seek to end the A, which is usually hurting the OM/OW posting about it.

 

I just pointed out that it can make it worse in many ways (even if MM was thinking about D, for example, this sort of move might complicate things further).

 

I can see that.

And I fail to see how this complicates a D. The WS doesn't need the BS permission/help/acquiescence at all. He can file right then and there. An A has VERY LITTLE affect on a D. Ask a lawyer.

 

Of course for someone like you, who believe that the only acceptable way forward is NC, this is a step in the right direction.

 

Someone like me?

And yes, NC is the best way to end it UNTIL the D is final - then go for it. I have told 2 OW here to do just that. One has yet to engage and the other is going all out for Andy.

 

You can check it for yourself.

 

Why? You leveled the charge that posters are pandering to posters.

Or are you just spouting off with nothing to back it up?

[pureinheart]

Accept it - the advice you give to people DOES INFLUENCE them in some degree. Especially if someone is very upset, confused and thus vulnerable.

 

An internet community with strong opinions, advertising itself as a support group, and evoking feelings like guilt and shame to convince someone what they should do - can be quite a strong influence, especially in regards to something that cannot be discussed with people IRL.

 

So - as I have always tried to warn - giving advice which content or way of presenting is not really for the good of its receiver, makes you partly responsible for whatever happens to them as a result.

 

 

Ellin, this is so true, and very well put:)..confirmation that the spoken word is very powerful...the old addage that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me"...not true...

[jennie-jennie]

Not a problem sweetie. My advice for you is to hold on as long as you're still happy with the situation. If he was a workaholic that's just what you'd do. You'd love him and keep trying till it just wasn't enough for you.

As far as telling his W well that's his choice at this point and if decides to sit on the fence and play with the two of you then he should get what he deserves when it falls apart. I'd prefer if you told her now but I couldn't do it when I was an OW either. You love him and want all you can get for as long as you can and when the time comes there's nothing left the tough decisions come (hmmm OP BS some of the lines zig zag here). Part of his consequences may well be his W finding out. If he's any sort of man he'll pick his partner and find some honesty for her and some compassion for you. I do think he can be split self but I still don't like the fact he can do this for years and be under the impression he will never ever have any consequences for the way he's conducting himself. You've had to pay the price and she has even if she doesn't know it. Sorry but don't think your man should be getting off scot free.

 

I'm a little heartless and I think it's best for the BS to find out sometime than not at all. Sometimes people think the OW is happily not telling the W as the A goes on and then gets all spiteful if it falls apart but I don't see it that way. The A is a relationship and she's giving him chances and opportunities (much like being involved with a workaholic or alcoholic) and if it finally comes to blows and she walks I think at that point she should tell the BS.

 

Think I've gone off topic and sorry for that.

 

Just a quick answer since it is off topic:

 

I too have thought of the resemblance of being married to a workaholic or alcoholic. This man's drug seems to be to stay in the marriage, to keep up the appearance of doing the right thing.

 

I like your thinking.

[BB07]

Just a quick answer since it is off topic:

 

I too have thought of the resemblance of being married to a workaholic or alcoholic. This man's drug seems to be to stay in the marriage, to keep up the appearance of doing the right thing.

I like your thinking.

 

 

Your statement above struck a long forgotten memory, so I wanted to comment.

 

Jennie.....you know my history, but here is a quick recap of what I thought was the truth back then. I was dating a separated (so I thought) man, who went back to his marriage, (so I thought) anyway at that time I knew I was in a affair, no other way to sugarcoat that, but there were so many times when I had convinced myself that my MM was staying in the marriage to keep up appearances and because it was the easiest thing to do. I was just positive about it. Laughs on me now uh.

 

Well look at me now......I was completely wrong about all of it, my perceptions about what was going on in their marriage, was completely wrong, the reasons that I thought he wasn't leaving.........all wrong.

 

Please consider that the above statement that you made, about why he stays could very well be VERY WRONG. Anything is possible.

[Ms. Red]

I am so confused. people on here always say to tell, now that someone has everyone is going to beat her up for it?

 

I think she was well within her rights to contact the BS. She just should have discussed it with the sMM first.

 

 

But yes, I recall people recommending it (calling the spouse) in an earlier thread on this forum. Now that it's happened the tune has changed. Again.

 

 

 

Who did?

 

 

 

You can check it for yourself.

 

 

 

Why? You leveled the charge that posters are pandering to posters.

Or are you just spouting off with nothing to back it up?

 

 

I "leveled the charge" also in a thread last night. (Have I Got A Story For You All) Before I posted, I did a search for them and was unable to find the posts. It's done here. I've seen it. I concur with those who say they have seen the same posts. It's sometimes impossible to do an intricate search on threads when we don't have all day to do so.

Edited July 26, 2010 by Ms. Red

[jennie-jennie]

Your statement above struck a long forgotten memory, so I wanted to comment.

 

Jennie.....you know my history, but here is a quick recap of what I thought was the truth back then. I was dating a separated (so I thought) man, who went back to his marriage, (so I thought) anyway at that time I knew I was in a affair, no other way to sugarcoat that, but there were so many times when I had convinced myself that my MM was staying in the marriage to keep up appearances and because it was the easiest thing to do. I was just positive about it. Laughs on me now uh.

 

Well look at me now......I was completely wrong about all of it, my perceptions about what was going on in their marriage, was completely wrong, the reasons that I thought he wasn't leaving.........all wrong.

 

Please consider that the above statement that you made, about why he stays could very well be VERY WRONG. Anything is possible.

 

I know the dynamics of being the wife of an alcoholic. I was one for 25 years. I see no difference to the dynamics of my relationship today.

 

You and I look at the world too differently now. I think we did even before your discovery.

 

The thing is your MM was LYING to you the whole time. He was never separated, he was a liar. My MM is honest with me. He tells me the reality of the situation, so I know what his reasons for staying are. There is a huge difference between the two. Your percieved ideas based on your MM's lies and my factual ideas based on the truth are two horses of very different colors.

 

Now could we please not make this thread be about me.

Edited July 26, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Owl]

That does not sound like a man worried that his cheating has just been exposed to his wife. Perhaps he really is separated.

 

Did he discuss with you how he was going to "make an honest woman" out of you, as he said he would? Like, as in getting a divorce?

 

Or he's already done his damage control.

[Mimolicious]

Seems like good honest decent single men are in such short supply these days, that women must scrap over some married/I-need-to-find-myself-/separated-but-only-by- distance/emotionally divorced/split-in-half man who has "choices" to make. Are the pickin's that slim??

 

What is the ratio from men to women in China again??? Aren't they having a woman shortage?? They are climbing up economically, perhaps it's the next horizon?? Chinese guys are kinda cute-and hard working to boot! Many soulmates to be found over there!

 

Can't we raise our boys better here? Raise them with integrity and honor to do a woman right? Or do we need a shortage of women to even the playing fields??

 

Sorry, major T/J:D

 

Don't expect the package to be a decent size. :lmao::lmao: (sorry!)

 

I agree with you on the rest. Are they any suitable bachelors? Geez...

[OWoman]

What is the ratio from men to women in China again??? Aren't they having a woman shortage?? They are climbing up economically, perhaps it's the next horizon?? Chinese guys are kinda cute-and hard working to boot! Many soulmates to be found over there!

 

Don't expect the package to be a decent size. :lmao::lmao: (sorry!)

 

Can we cut the racism and get back to the topic?

[Mimolicious]

Can we cut the racism and get back to the topic?

 

 

OWoman- dayum! it's Monday, lighten up. Didn't mean it with racism in mind, I actually have "Asian" children. Relax buddy! Can't take a joke... (I've seen worse things said on LS but... let me stop!)

 

Anyway, Mombot. How do you usually communicate with your MM? Doesn't him not having a phone raises an eyebrow?

 

You said that his W lives 1,000+ miles away, so it couldn't be that she got to him. You said that she didn't reply yet, have you checked your spam folder? I'm just saying...

 

Being a BS that was contacted in many different forms of communication, not once did I replied, called back, text back or sent the messenger pigeon with a reply note. She probably wont give you the time a date and deal directly with him OR she probably doesn't care because she is doing her. Who knows!

 

Like few here have mentioned, his reaction may be a good sign but he can be bluffing for all we know. Hope that your MM is being as honest as he can afford to be at this point and you can get a better sense of where the two of you stand.

[TOWinNYC]

Looking back I can tell you that, had I been a weaker-minded person and followed your cake cutter advice, I'd have made a big mistake that would have caused me more pain.

 

This is why you will always be the OW and not the W.

 

Balenciaga - please explain.

[BB07]

I know the dynamics of being the wife of an alcoholic. I was one for 25 years. I see no difference to the dynamics of my relationship today.

 

You and I look at the world too differently now. I think we did even before your discovery.

 

The thing is your MM was LYING to you the whole time. He was never separated, he was a liar. My MM is honest with me. He tells me the reality of the situation, so I know what his reasons for staying are. There is a huge difference between the two. Your percieved ideas based on your MM's lies and my factual ideas based on the truth are two horses of very different colors.

 

Now could we please not make this thread be about me.

 

 

 

Well thanks a lot for making me feel as if anything I say is not relevant to anyone else, just because of my current situation.

[Summer Breeze]

Well thanks a lot for making me feel as if anything I say is not relevant to anyone else, just because of my current situation.

 

Don't think she meant it that way Hon. I read it as her clarifying differences in situations that would allow differences in the relationships as they are and how they could be.

 

If anything I think you've gained some serious street cred with your caper! I'm not making light of it I really think you and hsss are amazing and many of us do. I'd imagine Jennie Jennie does as well. Neither of you deserved what he was dishing out.

[TOWinNYC]

Anyone that thinks with their heart and their loins instead of their brain will never get what they truly want.

 

I'm not saying not to use your brain....but there is more beauty and truth and pureness to "thinking with your heart" than you will ever get from "thinking with your brain". (I'm going to leave the loins out of this for now.....)

 

And that was a bit of a blanket statement saying ANYONE who does that will "never get what they truly want" - don't you think?

[jennie-jennie]

Ellin,

 

I don't know you but I find this whole post to be very mean-spirited. Making fun of someone for taking the time to answer your posts, just because their posts are longer than yours?? Calling their posts redundant and regurgitated after you are the one who keeps engaging with them?? IMO that's just wrong.

 

I also think it's silly of you to say advice was "forced" on you when you came to a public forum and aired your problems to the virtual world. I highly doubt that people who are so "strong-minded" and know exactly what they want out of a situation and exactly what they want to do would come on this forum. Unless I'm grossly mistaken I assume you like all of us here came here because you had an issue you wanted help with. As someone this forum has helped a lot I don't think it's cool for people to cherry-pick the advice they want. IMO once someone comes on a public board, they should expect all kinds of different opinions/advice and not whine about it. Just my two cents.

 

-Nadia

 

I saw Ellin's first thread on LS, and believe me the "welcoming" she got was not pretty. I am so glad Ellin was strong-minded enough to remain here in spite of that. I too am a strong-minded woman but can still at times be very vulnerable and extremely upset, so I see no contradiction in that.

[BB07]

Don't think she meant it that way Hon. I read it as her clarifying differences in situations that would allow differences in the relationships as they are and how they could be.

 

If anything I think you've gained some serious street cred with your caper! I'm not making light of it I really think you and hsss are amazing and many of us do. I'd imagine Jennie Jennie does as well. Neither of you deserved what he was dishing out.

 

Thanks......I guess I'm hypersensitive lately.

[Fieldsofgold]

I am shocked Tony hasn't locked this down yet.

 

BB, IMHO, your recent experience has given you a great deal of very good insight.

[Fieldsofgold]

In an attempt to stay on topic, and give support and advice to Mombat . . .

 

My concern is that it is very difficult to determine whether the MM is being honest, or he's just done really good damage control.

 

IF the BS replies, there is no way to know if she is being honest. We would like to think all BS's would be like BB's HS/SS. But that just is not always true. Aftee D-Day, my BF/MM did damage control with both his W and OW. The W and OW both contacted me, and they both lied to me about how wonderful and hot and special their relationships were with MM. OW even went so far as to tell W that MM was LIVING WITH ME, not her! They were all just liars.

 

So I am not sure Mombat will know any more truth, but a least the W will know, and that's a good thing.

 

Call me a cynic, but I am EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS about the MM not having a phone with him - traveling some distance without his cell phone? - right!

[Fieldsofgold]

Sorry about the double post.

[2sunny]

where i live - MOST, if not all men take their phone with them - especially if they are traveling.

 

i don't buy his line about not having his phone.

 

if he didn't have it with him AT THAT MOMENT - that looks like a half truth.

 

IF his kids are as important to him as he says they are - he wouldn't travel without his cell phone.

 

i think he had it- just not at that time.

 

 

which means as he traveled he could have already spoken to his W and smoothed over the damage done by the email. then skipped happy on over to OP place.

 

did his W ever respond OP? did MM ever ask what kind of message you sent his W?

 

seems he would have some reaction/interest/questions and a full blown conversation about what the reason was for you to send such an email to his W. IF he said nothing or very little - something is even MORE suspicious...

[Ellin]

Ellin,

 

I don't know you but I find this whole post to be very mean-spirited. Making fun of someone for taking the time to answer your posts, just because their posts are longer than yours?? Calling their posts redundant and regurgitated after you are the one who keeps engaging with them?? IMO that's just wrong.

 

I also think it's silly of you to say advice was "forced" on you when you came to a public forum and aired your problems to the virtual world. I highly doubt that people who are so "strong-minded" and know exactly what they want out of a situation and exactly what they want to do would come on this forum. Unless I'm grossly mistaken I assume you like all of us here came here because you had an issue you wanted help with. As someone this forum has helped a lot I don't think it's cool for people to cherry-pick the advice they want. IMO once someone comes on a public board, they should expect all kinds of different opinions/advice and not whine about it. Just my two cents.

 

-Nadia

I have no idea why you are chipping in out of the blue, I've never seen your name before and you certainly know nothing about my experience IRL and my experience with another poster, so I don't think you can make an informed comment about it, as some of your statements above illustrate, anyway.

[Ellin]

This is why you will always be the OW and not the W.

Maybe you should start a career as a clairvoyant? Otherwise please refrain from insulting me.