I sent her an email

[Mimolicious]

I have not heard anything else from her. I know he did call her supposedly something about their son and his family's vacation (Is that called damage control?) before he called me.

My posts aren't that long, and neither are my emails. I am really not interested in giving details, but I put it out there and I've gotten ho-hum from him and I don't believe you from her.

On another note, I am not a troll or some of those other weird things people put on my threads. I know I am quite attractive and don't look like a troll at all.

 

 

I understand perhaps you replying to someone else's post and not saying much. How do you expect any feedback from us with halfassed info?

 

If this is your communication style, then maybe this is why you are not getting much out of your MM or his W. Being an internet troll has nothing to do with appereance, btw.

 

You seem very confident and comfortable saying that "you know he called her before he called you". So why second guess him on everything else if your level of trust still seems high?

 

Good luck hone! Seems like you may not get anything out of this attempt.

[2sunny]

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe she likes the separation the way it is. Maybe she prefers not to know.

 

you know what to do. don't speak to him or see him ever again. he's MARRIED! and you had sex with a married man... knowing he's married.

 

there isn't a separation. who cares what she's gonna do - she's in denial because he's got her snowed - just like you.

 

the question is - what are YOU going to do about him being married?

[complicatedlife]

Why even bother with any of these?

 

It's a new R and he has said he doesn't want anything serious.

 

She is ALREADY busting into his email because she can't trust him and cannot communicate with him.

 

Who wants to live like that? She's not the BS. BS's don't even want to live that, but feel they have to verify to build trust. Why START a R knowing you'll have to verify everything and you can't trust a word the person says?

 

That's not a R. That's a prison sentence with a warden.

 

I say take it as a lesson learned. Intimacy is developed when people communicate and trust each other. That is not happening here and I don't see it ever happening because both of the participants do not really communicate with each other and don't know how.

 

I don't know if he's separated or not but Mombot apparently doesn't think he is, so she should go with that. Stop the drama right now and don't contact him anymore. Don't take his calls, move on. And don't email her again. Block her. I am with FOG that if he had emailed as his W he would have said they were getting divorced. I don't think her answer is real reliable either due to what other posters have said they told the OW in their stitch, too. Maybe she wants to mess up any R he tries to have with someone else.

 

(A little personal experience: after I left my H, he told me he busted into my email. He accused me of having an A with one of my professors. I told him he was nuts. Maybe he was making it up, I never saw said email and never dated one of my professors ever, much less separated. However, when people are left they do crazy stuff, so who knows what she might be doing/thinking too.)

 

He doesn't want to be serious and you do. That right there should be enough to tell you this isn't the R that you need.

 

Like and love are two different things. You said previous you like him. Do you like him enough to keep snooping around and driving yourself crazy with: is he separated or not?

 

I, like FOG, think you need counseling. Not meant rude or anything but I think it will seriously help. You are all over the place on this one and for what?

 

It is not a long term relationship and you are in "like" with him. And unless you're ready to have a R with a married man, does it really matter if he's separated or not? I see that as the real question here. And one you need to answer yourself.

 

GEL

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the bolded part as the bottomline. However, I did come in just at the privacy violation (the wife's email address), the lack of trust and odd behavior; I wasn't aware that this was a "new" relationship or that he wasn't looking for something serious.

 

I personally wouldn't continue seeing him if this is indeed a new relationship and I felt I didn't trust him more than I distrust him (if I had to go behind his back because I felt that I couldn't get direct answers from him, that'd be a wrap), but I offered my suggestions because she asked what she should do now, and based on some posts I've read, in which Mombot goes back and forth about how she feels about the situation, I am assuming that she will continue to see him, and IF she is going to do that and she desires to know the truth but can't get it from him, I think my suggestions are a good bet for getting it.

 

I'm all for IC for anyone in this kind of a situation - whether it's the BS, OW, or the WS, I think they could all, as individuals, benefit. I know it helped me tremendously when I was in the middle of it all.

[Mombot]

I didn't have to bust into his email. He has a computer he got for Christmas that he doesn't use much and though he likes to look at new cars, he really can't type very well.

There are no other email addresses on that computer, FYI, he doesnt have two.

[jj33]

Ok, so I'm thinking that her response means that they are not *really* separated, other than by distance.

 

He is calling you twice today to see if there has been any further communication between the two of you, so he will know what kind of damage control he needs to do with her.

 

I, too, think it is not hard to imagine that he may have access to her email, BUT I think the reply was from his wife. If the reply was from him, he would have said they were separated and working on a divorce. Or something more favorable to him.

 

I would call her on the phone and ask her if they are really separated. Or write her a snail-mail.

 

Here is why I would not e-mail her again.

 

If he has access to her email, and now that he has been alerted that you sent her an email - he may be checking it/deleting/answering you (posing as her, of course) before she can. So I think e-mail communication is no longer reliable.

 

I think she wrote you back and I don't think they are really separated at all. I think he is probably working away from home because he will make more

money doing so, and she has agreed to it for the financial benefit.

 

I have a friend whose H is going to work in Australia for a year, and another whose H is working in Iraq for two years. At the end of that time, they will have made enough money to pay off all their bills/home/etc. So the wives are accepting it.

 

I think if he was really separated, he would have wanted to have an in-depth discussion with you about how you were feeling that caused you to send the email, and how can he reasure you/prove to you that he is really on the straight up with you.

 

The absence of a lengthy discussion about it tells me he KNOWS why you sent the email - because he isn't separated - and the less he says about it, the better for him.

 

I think the only remaining question is whether you want to be OW or not.

 

 

Mombot you are totally in denial.

 

Look at FOGs post. You know you are the OW and its clear from your posts that you are not comfortable with that.

 

A part of you knew that but didnt want to believe it. Or maybe you did and didnt want to admit it in the forum.

 

Continuing to contact his W serves NO purpose whatsoever.

 

You have NO claim to this man and are not in a position to "fight" for him by letting her know that you are in this triangle now and you want him so its time she accepted that and stepped away.

 

I know you will say thats not how it is, but it is. The way you worded the email makes that clear.

 

You may want to consider IC. There is a lot of denial going on here and a lot of failure to take responsibility for your own actions and motivations. That is something that you and this man have in common.

 

This is not a situatoin where its between you and the W to win this man. Its his decision whether he wants to be married and whether he wants a more serious relationship with you and despite his words regarding the future the actions say no, hes just not interested.

 

So if you cant take it for what it is, then you need to walk away and save yourself more heartache.

Edited July 27, 2010 by jj33

[OWoman]

She replied- she said she did not believe me.

 

My H's xW also chose not to believe when she was told there was "someone else". I'm not suggesting that your MM's BW is as delusional as my H's xW, but she's clearly invested in believing that things are OK between them - or at least, that your MM has no other attachments and would be hers again if she so wanted. He may well have chosen to encourage that view, to smooth the D, or to keep her sweet in case he changes his mind down the track. Either way, it doesn't sound as though she's moved on. If she didn't care either way, she'd either ignore your mail or brush you off, telling you you can have him. By choosing to negate your R, she's pissing on the tree and claiming ownership. You may not know where you stand with him, but you do now know where you stand with her.

 

How much does this matter to you? Are you prepared to enter into whatever kind of competition she might thrust on you?

[whichwayisup]

I didn't have to bust into his email. He has a computer he got for Christmas that he doesn't use much and though he likes to look at new cars, he really can't type very well.

There are no other email addresses on that computer, FYI, he doesnt have two.

 

You still went into his email accout and snooped, found her email address.

 

And, you really have no idea if he has another email address that you don't know about it. Many people have two, depending on their ISP too.

 

She replied- she said she did not believe me.

 

It is very possible she talked to him before answering your email and he denied it and threw you under the bus, hense her saying she didn't believe you.

 

So, what next? What's your plan? Stick around and wait for this drama to unfold or will you walk away?

 

My suggestion is, walk away because he's done NOTHING to fight for you. He doesn't seem like a man who's ready to make any kind of committment to you.

 

If you stay, be the OW and ride that rollercoaster ride forever.

[CrayonAngel]

Mombot, Is this really how you want to begin a R with someone? He isn't telling you the truth or else you wouldn't be emailing his wife to confirm. There was something there to make you think he was hiding something...oh yeah he's a cheater... I think you deserve more than this. He hasn't even sat you down and talked it out and explained everything..he is acting like a teenager avoiding the parents when he knows he's done something wrong. Do you really want to stay with him and look back 20 years from now and think "man I'm so glad I emailed his wife and made her clear things up for me so I could have this prize of a man" what a coward he is. and if I remember right your not all that into him right?

[Owl]

I really don't know what to do now. Maybe she likes the separation the way it is. Maybe she prefers not to know.

 

If that's how she felt...her reply would have probably given some indicators leaning that way at least a little bit.

 

But simply saying she doesn't believe you...to me...would mean that she still has an emotional relationship with him...that they're NOT seperated...or they're not seperated pending divorce.

 

The real bottom line question (and you may have answered...I'm still reading) is...

 

Does knowing that you truly ARE the OW at this point change anything for you?

 

Does it bother you enough to end the relationship? Or does it not really change anything on your side of the equation?

 

(Not judging...just asking the question out in the open here)

[Dexter Morgan]

Separated man is on his way up here to see me. I finally bit the bullet and sent his W an email, letting her know an extramarital situation existed. We'll see what happens.

 

 

you didn't bite the bullet, you cowardly emailed her.

 

anyway, as long as she is notified what a cheating b#####d her husband is, whatever works.

 

But as I analyze your post above, somehow I don't believe you, or think you have a problem.

 

What is the purpose of doing this AS he is coming to see you and telling her this?

Its one thing to inform someone of an affair, its another to tell them they are on their way to get sex from you.

 

I think you are getting off on telling her that and thinking she is sitting there in despair that he is coming to your place. I think you are relishing the thought of her sitting there either angry or crying.

 

or, you didn't actually send an email saying this and either want us to believe you did this, or are just trying to stir the forum s##tstorm.

Edited July 27, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[Dexter Morgan]

She replied- she said she did not believe me.

 

well damn, I guess you didn't get the reaction you were probably hoping for.

[Dexter Morgan]

Mombot -

 

it's too hard to be helpful when you don't give any information. you look like a troll.

 

and I was beginning to think I was the only one that thought this.

 

come on, quit playing games and tell the whole deal... or no one is going to believe you are anything but a random troll. one line of info is never any use.

[Dexter Morgan]

did you tell him about his wife's response? if so, what did he say?

 

he's obviously married. what are you going to do now? have you told him to shove off?

 

I agree. If they are separated, why WOULDN'T she believe he was seeing someone else?

 

sounds to me like they aren't separated and he is feeding MB a s##t sandwich.

[jj33]

Dex we rarely agree but I have to agree with you on this one.

 

The whole tone of the email to the W wasnt he has told me you are separated and in the process of a divorce is this true?

 

It was he mine now honey step aside just thought you should know youve been replaced.

 

Not nice. Not considerate. Not good

[BB07]

Funny......how I often don't care for Dex's tough love either. but the part about the ****e sandwich is right on.

 

Mombot......I also agree with the other posters that you aren't giving enough info out here, and I think it's because you just want us to have little pieces of the story, in hopes that posters will be more inclined to tell you what you want to hear.

 

Wake up.....this man is not separated, he is lying and you know this deep down.

 

Save your heart and your dignity and self respect.

You have even called yourself an OW, so you know.........we know, just admit it to yourself.

[Mombot]

I also think she should tell. I think everyone needs to know the truth to make informed decisions in all situations.

Tellin doesn't always set you free.

[Mimolicious]

 

or, you didn't actually send an email saying this and either want us to believe you did this, or are just trying to stir the forum s##tstorm.

 

Dex- I actually had to repaste my earlier post because this is exactly how I also feel.

 

Co-sign GEL's post.

 

 

But let's take few steps back. When Mombot contacted her, according to what she told us, she said very little.

 

As for what I said, I said that there's another woman in the picture and thought she should know, and that was about it.

 

I just thought you should know I really like him and am seeing him. My conscious told me to.

 

 

Sounds a bit incosistent, one and two what you said at first " there is another wome" you were not exactly identifying yourself as that woman but then you tell her that you are seeing him??!! Sounds suspect to me. Now his wife replies with another one liner? With all due respect Mombot, did you really email his W or you are just trying to get reactions on LS to actually go through with it?

 

If in fact, you did email... It's not like your email was informative. You threw a simple hook to see if she took the bait. You didn't say "Dear my MM's W, I am such and such and I am leading an A with your H. We met here, been together since and blah, blah, blah". Your original email sounds like a prank! Why should she feed into it? Not every W is the frustrated, miserable, boring person these MM make them out to be. She probably got better things to do than to feed into an email that sounds bogus.

 

Or

 

She is probably doing to you exactly what you did to her. Throw you a hook to irk you so then you can ditch out all the dirt. I'm just saying...

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex- I actually had to repaste my earlier post because this is exactly how I also feel.

 

I think you, a couple others, and I have hit the nail on the head.

 

She wanted to piss her off. Like you said, it wasn't informative. It was a slap in the face like, "haha...I got your man, he is coming over right now to get some, so suck it lady".

 

she wanted to cause his wife pain.

[White Flower]

Or maybe just get the real truth from her?

[Dexter Morgan]

Or maybe just get the real truth from her?

 

by shoving s##t in the wife's face?

 

uh....ok:confused:

 

sorry, she may have wanted to know the truth, but that wasn't the only, if not real intention of emailing her in the fashion she did. And I'm not the only one that sees it.

[2sunny]

there's several things i'm noticing here:

 

her SM or MM has stated he can't contact her for an alloted time during August. this usually indicates he has a commitment to someone he feels obligated to and cannot cll or see her as usual/ on a whim. he is setting the tone ahead of time so she won't hold it against him so much. that way he can just pick up where he left off when he returns.

 

this is essentially asking her permission to use her for when HE'S available. if she goes along with it or agrees to it - she signs herself up for being used at his convenience. go ahead, but it wouldn't be my first choice for you.

 

we know he has a liberal schedule since he is obviously able to be away from home - leave his phone in the car - and see his OW.

 

his W obviously hasn't suspected his cheating. if you were serious you would have called her and told her. the email you sent doesn't even refer to the OW as yourself. that is evasive and half truth too.

 

OW feels inclined to become territorial. people don't get territorial unless they feel someone else is messing with their stuff. his W doesn't feel that way - YOU do.

 

the only way for YOU to feel better about all the wondering HE has created regarding his availability is to stay away from him. tell him NO MORE.

 

IF and WHEN he can show FINALIZED divorce papers - then consider seeing him.

 

your responses to this thread are VERY evasive and very limited. those traits alone show behavior that exudes half truths, changed words and manipulation of needed information which includes not giving info that would be helpful. this is no different than what MM do, especially when they lie. so your posts make me very suspicious if you are capable of being honest with yourself - much less us.

 

 

we can't help when you give us nothing to go on.

[complicatedlife]

there's several things i'm noticing here:

 

her SM or MM has stated he can't contact her for an alloted time during August. this usually indicates he has a commitment to someone he feels obligated to and cannot cll or see her as usual/ on a whim. he is setting the tone ahead of time so she won't hold it against him so much. that way he can just pick up where he left off when he returns.

 

this is essentially asking her permission to use her for when HE'S available. if she goes along with it or agrees to it - she signs herself up for being used at his convenience. go ahead, but it wouldn't be my first choice for you.

 

we know he has a liberal schedule since he is obviously able to be away from home - leave his phone in the car - and see his OW.

 

his W obviously hasn't suspected his cheating. if you were serious you would have called her and told her. the email you sent doesn't even refer to the OW as yourself. that is evasive and half truth too.

 

OW feels inclined to become territorial. people don't get territorial unless they feel someone else is messing with their stuff. his W doesn't feel that way - YOU do.

 

the only way for YOU to feel better about all the wondering HE has created regarding his availability is to stay away from him. tell him NO MORE.

 

IF and WHEN he can show FINALIZED divorce papers - then consider seeing him.

 

your responses to this thread are VERY evasive and very limited. those traits alone show behavior that exudes half truths, changed words and manipulation of needed information which includes not giving info that would be helpful. this is no different than what MM do, especially when they lie. so your posts make me very suspicious if you are capable of being honest with yourself - much less us.

 

 

we can't help when you give us nothing to go on.

I co-sign on everything you said here...and

 

...her evasiveness is very odd to me!

[Mombot]

I like it better when people stick to the thread, but often it gets sidetracked and then sometimes shut down.

[Mimolicious]

I like it better when people stick to the thread, but often it gets sidetracked and then sometimes shut down.

 

 

 

Really??? And WE (sorry I am going to take the liberty to speak for the masses) like it better when someone that starts a thread actually contributes more than 2 sentences and doesn't give us vague information.

How exactly are you engaging in your own subject? PLUH-EASE!

 

Yeah, I said it...

 

This must be like a 3 ring circus or something...

NEXT!

[Mombot]

Really??? And WE (sorry I am going to take the liberty to speak for the masses) like it better when someone that starts a thread actually contributes more than 2 sentences and doesn't give us vague information.

How exactly are you engaging in your own subject? PLUH-EASE!

 

Yeah, I said it...

 

This must be like a 3 ring circus or something...

NEXT!

I think people are rather volitile today, so I guess I will keep my short sentences to myself.