When do labels cease to describe people?

[GreenEyedLady]

I was talking to a friend today.

 

I commented on the number of happily married people who consider themselves "betrayed" spouses, even though it has been years and they consider themselves reconciled.

 

Why?

 

Isn't that like perpetuating a power struggle with the spouse? A way to keep the upper hand, even though the A is ancient history?

 

How can you build something new if you hang on to something old? And when do you simply go back to "spouses" without defining what type of spouse?

 

GEL

[2sunny]

I was talking to a friend today.

 

I commented on the number of happily married people who consider themselves "betrayed" spouses, even though it has been years and they consider themselves reconciled.

 

Why?

 

Isn't that like perpetuating a power struggle with the spouse? A way to keep the upper hand, even though the A is ancient history?

 

How can you build something new if you hang on to something old? And when do you simply go back to "spouses" without defining what type of spouse?

 

GEL

 

once the betrayer has done the betrayal - he/she can never pretend as though they never did it. that would be like murdering someone and trying to say you never killed another.

 

either you did it - or you didn't. own it. it's the betrayers to own. if they NEVER did it to begin with - they would never need to worry about the recovery... much less the label or power struggle that you speak of.

[NoIDidn't]

I think that only happens in forums like these where the OW (former and present) never let them forget the role they came here in.

 

I doubt any woman goes around calling herself betrayed. The OP of this thread was once betrayed and she isn't doing it.

 

I don't know about the power struggle tidbit, or the assumption that they only see themselves in the light of something that happened so long ago.

 

Again, its only in this forum that such labels seem important to some posters. Its a stretch to assume that anyone returns to their real life and consider themselves "betrayed", or "other" for that matter.

 

Is the OP talking about people she actually knows, or only about things read in this forum? There is a difference. IRL most betrayeds will not reveal themselves as such for anyone else to know what is going on in their home, unless there was a huge dramatic d-day and they couldn't conceal it.

[Fieldsofgold]

Hmmm. I don't believe I have ever known anyone IRL who considered him/herself a betrayed spouse. Certainly not anyone still living wih the former WS.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think that only happens in forums like these where the OW (former and present) never let them forget the role they came here in.

 

I doubt any woman goes around calling herself betrayed. The OP of this thread was once betrayed and she isn't doing it.

 

I don't know about the power struggle tidbit, or the assumption that they only see themselves in the light of something that happened so long ago.

 

Again, its only in this forum that such labels seem important to some posters. Its a stretch to assume that anyone returns to their real life and consider themselves "betrayed", or "other" for that matter.

 

Is the OP talking about people she actually knows, or only about things read in this forum? There is a difference. IRL most betrayeds will not reveal themselves as such for anyone else to know what is going on in their home, unless there was a huge dramatic d-day and they couldn't conceal it.

 

I guess I am asking from the perceptions on the board. I'm just drawing my own conclusions here, not from what anyone has directly said.

 

But so many posters are so "close" to the label. They clearly identify with the betrayed and still do. OW don't reveal to the outside so I don't think that's a difference. Here they feel free to be their username and can express their feelings.

 

But clearly it has been years and some cannot get over it. I am just wondering when does the label cease?

 

I was once a BS, although I just didn't ever "feel it" if that makes sense. I was happy to get out of Dodge!

 

And I was an OW but I'm not now.

 

I'm the wife.

 

I guess I'm just wondering how do people get to the point where the only label they wear is the one they are happy with? Or if they are happy wearing the label even though that's over and done with?

 

Even though I'm the wife, there are some people here who would see me as the OW forever. So who really determines the label? And is it subject to interpretation and varies by person?

 

I was just thinking about how people's realities differ by perception if that makes any sense.

 

GEL

[2sunny]

the only label i care to wear is that i am ME.

 

i'm wearing the ME label - and it defines ME perfectly! ahahahah :lmao:

[Mimolicious]

LOL! I endorse it Sunny! For real! At the moment all I am is Me (besides being Mommy).

 

Well, I think that here on LS we carry the titles around even after the fact so posters know where we come from in our R's. I, for sure don't say "Hi I am Mimolicious a BS" IRL...

 

Even though I am no longer in that M, I guess BS is the closets that I can identify myself with.

[Fallen Angel]

Question: When do labels cease to describe people?

 

Answer: When they are healed.

[NoIDidn't]

Question: When do labels cease to describe people?

 

Answer: When they are healed.

 

 

Agree but only for those that are recent. Not all the betrayeds in this forum are years out. The OP mentions the years, not simply the being betrayed.

 

I think basing what happens in threads on this board to what a person lives offline is a mistake and a huge judgment that should be avoided.

 

Offline they are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, and sometimes even still spouses. Here is where they can put on that hat and talk about those feelings and opinions.

 

What makes anyone believe that people take this talk offline when, just like most OW here, there really isn't anyone IRL that wants to talk about it?

 

*shrug*

[anne1707]

I only ever use the label WS to decribe myself here on LS and I do that for two main reasons. If a WS comes here asking for help then me letting them know that I was once where they now find themselves will let them see I can understand so much of the mess they are in as I experienced it and lived through it. But I also will tend to make it clear to BS that I was a WS - when I do this, it tends to be because I think it is important for them to know this because in some ways I could be considered the enemy (just as an OW might be) by someone who is feeling very angry and hurt. I don't want to give a different impression just to make life easier for me on LS. After all, what is the point of that when anybody can read back on my threads when I joined LS and see all this for themselves.

 

Do the labels mean anything to me? Not really. I don't go through life thinking I was a WS and I am also sure my H does not constantly think of himself as a BS. We both only really think in these terms when trying to help someone in an affair or suffering the consequences of an affair when posting here. After all, I was actually a BS before I was ever a WS and I know I never think of myself in those terms.

 

In the real world, I am his wife and he is my husband.

[Fallen Angel]

Agree but only for those that are recent. Not all the betrayeds in this forum are years out. The OP mentions the years, not simply the being betrayed.

 

I think basing what happens in threads on this board to what a person lives offline is a mistake and a huge judgment that should be avoided.

 

Offline they are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, and sometimes even still spouses. Here is where they can put on that hat and talk about those feelings and opinions.

 

What makes anyone believe that people take this talk offline when, just like most OW here, there really isn't anyone IRL that wants to talk about it?

 

*shrug*

 

One of the two of us are missing the point of this thread.

 

Perhaps that is me.

 

I was under the impression that the OP was not talking about the fOW or fBW or fWS wearing that label out in the real world (away from this board)in the same way that they do here on LS; I was under the impression that the OP was talking about a person wearing that label meaning that they identify only as that label, and are unable to open their hearts and minds to the ability to empathize and sympathize with someone who wears a label from another part of the triangle.

 

At least, that is what I took it to be about. *shrug*

[OWoman]

Question: When do labels cease to describe people?

 

Answer: When they are healed.

 

 

When who is healed - the person being described, or the person doing the describing?

 

Since my M is "adulterous" and "not blessed" in the eyes of some BWs here on LS, I will clearly always be the OW to them... until (if ever) they heal. It will have nothing to do with my status, my "healing" (which I assume they consider I need, since I don't subscribe to their morality) or anything else about me, and everything to do with their own state of mind.

[jthorne]

Oh how nice. Another thread started to bash someone. This time, the Betrayed Spouse. Way to show compassion.

 

So what's your solution, GEL? What do you, in all your wisdom think they should do? Go to another website? Go away completely? Tell people they are no longer allowed to refer to them as a BS? Change their username and come back as someone else?

 

People come to LS for HELP and HEALING.

Can you please tell me exactly how this thread helps anyone?

[bentnotbroken]

Labels for me on boards is about identification. Though I may no longer view myself that way (fBS)nor am I bitter. I don't necessarily view all AP/WS the same way as they are labeled. But some labels I am more than comfortable with, parent, Christian, sports nut, vertically challenged:p, recovering abuser, chocoholic...the list goes on. I think that the you have to take the good with the bad when on discussion boards and negative labels are part of the community.

[jthorne]

Labels for me on boards is about identification. Though I may no longer view myself that way (fBS)nor am I bitter. I don't necessarily view all AP/WS the same way as they are labeled. But some labels I am more than comfortable with, parent, Christian, sports nut, vertically challenged:p, recovering abuser, chocoholic...the list goes on. I think that the you have to take the good with the bad when on discussion boards and negative labels are part of the community.

If it were only this easy, Bent.

 

I'm pretty sure this thread was started with a specific BS in mind. One whose situation has been over for some time, but she still represents herself on this board as a BS, which is her right. If she wanted to represent herself as the freakin tooth fairy, that would be her right too.

 

And to make fun of someone's healing? Pretty disgraceful if you ask me.

I think I will make one last post on the Happy Thread, and then take my leave of the OW Board.

 

Peace. I wish everyone the best.

[OWoman]

Can you please tell me exactly how this thread helps anyone?

 

It's a discussion thread. It helps those of us who engage with it to reflect and consider how labelling - of ourselves, or others - can keep us stuck in a place or can liberate us from that place.

 

I see no intent to bash. And I see no bashing on this thread, aside from the post bashing the thread...

[sadintexas]

I use labels on this site because it's relevant to the experience and position I'm coming from.

 

IRL, I've moved far away from being a BS, an abused W, an exW, even an OW (although that came later). I'm a mom, a professional, and a fiance. But mostly, I'm just me with nothing but the label of my name as all these experiences shaped who I am today.

Edited July 24, 2010 by sadintexas

[White Flower]

Oh how nice. Another thread started to bash someone. This time, the Betrayed Spouse. Way to show compassion.

 

So what's your solution, GEL? What do you, in all your wisdom think they should do? Go to another website? Go away completely? Tell people they are no longer allowed to refer to them as a BS? Change their username and come back as someone else?

 

People come to LS for HELP and HEALING.

Can you please tell me exactly how this thread helps anyone?

I honestly don't see any intent to bash BS. I think GEL was clearly wondering how long someone identifies with their label.

 

I was a BW, but don't identify as one as much as I identify with the OW label. Even though the A is over I still identify with the label and probably will for quite some time. I often start threads here that should be elsewhere but I just identify with other OPs (and the BS who post here) and look forward to their comments specifically since 'making friends' here.

 

I don't think it is necessary to change a username and come back. I think each and every individual post demonstrates the place the poster is in his/her life. Take seren for example. She is happily M to her fWH and with each post one hears the beautiful state of her M with him. Even her signature says, 'I have a MM--he's my husband!' Gotta love it!

 

Clearely, seren no longer identifies with the label even though she identifies with the situation of her past.

[fooled once]

Labels for me on boards is about identification. Though I may no longer view myself that way (fBS)nor am I bitter. I don't necessarily view all AP/WS the same way as they are labeled. But some labels I am more than comfortable with, parent, Christian, sports nut, vertically challenged:p, recovering abuser, chocoholic...the list goes on. I think that the you have to take the good with the bad when on discussion boards and negative labels are part of the community.

 

I agree.

 

I label myself a wife, a mother and just me.

 

I do see some posters on LS who like to throw labels AT people and deem them something, which I don't agree with. I also don't agree that only an "OW" or a "BS" or a "WS" has the ability to add to a thread, I think each person brings their life experience to each post - whether it be from personally being an Other Woman/Other Man, a betrayed spouse, a wayward spouse or just someone whose life has been altered because of infidelity.

 

And WF, there are some who it is obvious (at least to some people) that some have 2 user names

[OWoman]

And WF, there are some who it is obvious (at least to some people) that some have 2 user names

 

Is this the Sid / Myrtle thing that someone was alluding to on another thread? Has Sid ever confirmed or refuted that? I know both are from Oz, but so are many other posters...

[White Flower]

 

And WF, there are some who it is obvious (at least to some people) that some have 2 user names

Tee hee, yes I know.

[fooled once]

Is this the Sid / Myrtle thing that someone was alluding to on another thread? Has Sid ever confirmed or refuted that? I know both are from Oz, but so are many other posters...

 

No ............

[crazycatlady]

How interesting...this has made me think, I know I've talked about myself occassionaly as the BS but I'm not sure I have ever talked about my spouse as being the WH. I might have in the beginning with opening posts called him that. And I tend not to refer to myself as the BS very often.

 

BUT I do often refer to the third person in our situation as the OW instead of another title to give her (sister, however given the recent crap lately, I think OW fits her better then sister) and tended to call her our OW and not just his (though I usually went back and changed it before posting so that didn't show often).

 

I think its interesting because it does say something about the poster...what I'm not to sure but something.

 

CCL

[SidLyon]

If it were only this easy, Bent.

 

I'm pretty sure this thread was started with a specific BS in mind. One whose situation has been over for some time, but she still represents herself on this board as a BS, which is her right. If she wanted to represent herself as the freakin tooth fairy, that would be her right too.

 

And to make fun of someone's healing? Pretty disgraceful if you ask me.

I think I will make one last post on the Happy Thread, and then take my leave of the OW Board.

 

Peace. I wish everyone the best.

 

I'm not sure who this might be - perhaps me, or Seren, or Spark or Silk...there are a few of us. Or maybe GEL was just asking... whatever.... I didn't consider that it was directed at me anyway.

 

Sometimes I've specified here on LS that I am or was a BW and sometimes I say a fBW. I do it because sometimes people post, and certain posters (the usual suspects - you all know who they are)immediately say in a hostile manner "just ignore so-and-so she's just a BW". I have nothing to be ashamed of about that, so it's easier to say up-front especially to posters who may not know.

 

I certainly don't go around in real life labeling myself as "betrayed" anything. Other labels I hold dear are "loving mother", "faithful wife", "diligent worker", "CPA", "high achieving law student, about to complete LLB", "prize-winner in Constitutional Law subject" and "loyal to my family and friends".

 

I'm on LS for the discussion side of "Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner". And occasionally for the support because at d-day I did unexpectedly find myself with a partner who had "other" commitments. It should be obvious to anyone that this forum is not just about support for OW/M.

[Fallen Angel]

Sometimes I've specified here on LS that I am or was a BW and sometimes I say a fBW. I do it because sometimes people post, and certain posters (the usual suspects - you all know who they are)immediately say in a hostile manner "just ignore so-and-so she's just a BW". I have nothing to be ashamed of about that, so it's easier to say up-front especially to posters who may not know.

 

Really? Can you please point out an incident where this was said?