When do labels cease to describe people?

[pureinheart]

Great idea!

 

Facebook status is all that counts nowadays to the young. My MM went into my Facebook account and changed my status to "In a relationship". :love:

 

It's gone from "It's complicated" (which is how I described our relationship) to "Single" (when I was upset with him) to the present "In a relationship".

 

Jennie! You crack me up...that sounds totally like me...when mad, I communicate it...lol...OMG this is so cute.

 

That says a lot...he has marked you as his territory...please, not trying to gross anyone out....k...although me and my daughter use a term of peeing to mark territory...hey it's just how her ex and exDM was...I know, wonderful visual ey...

[Mimolicious]

But the title () of WS/BS/OW etc may only be relevant for a handful of posts in a couple of forums. I know I post across LS - there would be no relevance in providing this type of information if posting in Business/Politics/etc.

 

I see what you are saying and also agree, but kind of not such a secret thing or hard to find out if anyone can search your history of replies, etc...

 

On the flip-side, some of the usernames don't leave much to the imagination as to who the poster feels who they are/been in a R.

[anne1707]

I see what you are saying and also agree, but kind of not such a secret thing or hard to find out if anyone can search your history of replies, etc...

 

Very true. But it still does not deal with the issue that is some forums, my political views or career success (as examples) are more important than my relationship history. There is so much more to me than being a WS.

[lolapalooza]

You remind me a lot of JThorne...are you?

No, dear. Nice try though.

I know it's hard to believe, but there is more than one ROW on this forum.

Oops, I think I just labeled myself.

Edited July 26, 2010 by lolapalooza

[Hazyhead]

I've learned something from each and every person here, regardless of

label, but this post is overly patronising.

 

It's a shame that labels mean so much to some. By that I don't mean you lola, your sarcasm tries to speak for itself, even if it still smarts

of the status of labels. For every person on this thread who's intention it is to belittle, you clearly live by labels more than any other. We should be here to help each other not hold one another down by tying them to a particular label.

 

No, dear. Nice try though.

I know it's hard to believe, but there is more than one ROW on this forum.

Oops, I think I just labeled myself.

Edited July 26, 2010 by Hazyhead

[herenow]

I use BW on LS to describe myself because it's the best choice for this forum. It's does not define who I am, but it's the reason I first came here and a part of my life.

 

Does that mean I'm not healed? Not at all. It means that my point of view comes from my personal experience and it's easier for others to understand my input if they know where I'm coming from. I'm not ashamed of my status on this forum. My comments have been helpful to others who are in a place I have been and those who have been (or are) the OW as well. IMO, that is what this forum is about, not what letters we use to tell others how infidelity has touch our lives.

[lolalove]

So is it ok for someone to come here an LS with or without a label and be completely healed? I saw some recent posts that seem to accuse anyone of being on LS (especially in the Infidelity and OM/OW threads) not being content in their relationship. I'm not being sarcastic. I'm really curious?

[herenow]

So is it ok for someone to come here an LS with or without a label and be completely healed? I saw some recent posts that seem to accuse anyone of being on LS (especially in the Infidelity and OM/OW threads) not being content in their relationship. I'm not being sarcastic. I'm really curious?

 

There have been several posters here at LS that insist that I'm not happy just because I post here.

 

Oh well, I'm not here to change their minds, so I just let them think whatever they want. Makes no difference to me. I'm here to share my own experiences in hopes that I can help someone. I also like to keep in contact with the friends I have made along the way.

 

Let others believe what they want.

[Hazyhead]

There have been several posters here at LS that insist that I'm not happy just because I post here.

 

Oh well, I'm not here to change their minds, so I just let them think whatever they want. Makes no difference to me. I'm here to share my own experiences in hopes that I can help someone. I also like to keep in contact with the friends I have made along the way.

 

Let others believe what they want.

 

 

Good post. Labels should be superfluous. What should matter is each individual's situation and the experience from which we speak. I, for one, will not live in a box according to others. I am who I am because of my experiences (good or bad), and as a human being I change and grow, maybe fitting many 'labels' in one lifetime. If I can help another due to my experience within a label, great. If it bothers others, I don't care.

 

I'm me - the only label I embrace.

[lolalove]

There have been several posters here at LS that insist that I'm not happy just because I post here.

 

Oh well, I'm not here to change their minds, so I just let them think whatever they want. Makes no difference to me. I'm here to share my own experiences in hopes that I can help someone. I also like to keep in contact with the friends I have made along the way.

 

Let others believe what they want.

 

 

Makes sense to me! Thanks

[ladydesigner]

Question: When do labels cease to describe people?

 

Answer: When they are healed.

 

I love this FA!

[herenow]

I love this FA!

 

So should I refer to myself as a HBW?

[bentnotbroken]

There have been several posters here at LS that insist that I'm not happy just because I post here.

 

Oh well, I'm not here to change their minds, so I just let them think whatever they want. Makes no difference to me. I'm here to share my own experiences in hopes that I can help someone. I also like to keep in contact with the friends I have made along the way.

 

Let others believe what they want.

 

 

Completely agree. I know most posters(some actually do) change my mind by what they posts or how I view them. I suspect many posters feel the same. It makes no difference to most. There are a few who pm their inner selves and I them. I am blessed to know them and I am quite happy with everything......except my neighbors cat on my front porch.

[jthorne]

You remind me a lot of JThorne...are you?

Dang! Not too long ago, I was accused of being a member on another website. Now I'm being accused of multiple identities.

 

I don't need two identities. If I'm being moderated, I take my lumps and wait for Tony to approve my posts. I don't make up a convenient new user name like many others around here

 

So back to the topic... If someone wants to refer to themselves as a BS, why is that a problem? If someone was an OW 500 years ago and refers to themselves as such, why is that a big deal? OWoman is no longer an OW, but still uses that name. Should she change it?

 

Since I obviously don't "get it", I'll move on.

 

Peace.

[pureinheart]

I use BW on LS to describe myself because it's the best choice for this forum. It's does not define who I am, but it's the reason I first came here and a part of my life.

 

Does that mean I'm not healed? Not at all. It means that my point of view comes from my personal experience and it's easier for others to understand my input if they know where I'm coming from. I'm not ashamed of my status on this forum. My comments have been helpful to others who are in a place I have been and those who have been (or are) the OW as well. IMO, that is what this forum is about, not what letters we use to tell others how infidelity has touch our lives.

 

In bold...that's how I first came also. That was a very difficult time in my life, and looking back things are way much better.

 

I am still on the mend a little...exDM was a big part of my life, although most of the time now use the situation in explanation of various circumstances that arise in other peoples lives. In fact it is good therapy to communicate certain things in our lives...each I find that I am that much more healed.

 

Are we ever really completely healed? IMO that depends on the person and the sitch. I think if we can let go of the hate and hurt then I'd say yes...it also depends on the level of hurt and what part they played in our lives...did they have a complete negative impact? If they did, I'd say walk ASAP and heal ASAP also.

[pureinheart]

So should I refer to myself as a HBW?

 

That's good.....

[fooled once]

So is it ok for someone to come here an LS with or without a label and be completely healed? I saw some recent posts that seem to accuse anyone of being on LS (especially in the Infidelity and OM/OW threads) not being content in their relationship. I'm not being sarcastic. I'm really curious?

 

I agree - good question.

[bentnotbroken]

Completely agree. I know most posters(some actually do) change my mind by what they posts or how I view them. I suspect many posters feel the same. It makes no difference to most. There are a few who pm their inner selves and I them. I am blessed to know them and I am quite happy with everything......except my neighbors cat on my front porch.

 

 

Doofus:pThis shouldn't have read most posters don't(but some actually do)change my mind.

[threebyfate]

As an XBW, I barely post in the OW/OM forum anymore but when I do, I like to tell people where my advice sources from. It's an upfront approach so they can decide if my advice is sourcing from a place they can understand. Too often, people do the manipulative thing by hiding behind well-meaning when they really don't mean the OP well.

 

IMO, this forum isn't healthy. It's a never-ending battleground between the betrayed and the other person, fighting for the narcissist in the middle who's just lapping it up.

 

I fully encourage people on all sides of this battleground to get out of this forum once your situation is over and done with. The sooner, the better.

[Fallen Angel]

I've learned something from each and every person here, regardless of

label, but this post is overly patronising.

 

It's a shame that labels mean so much to some. By that I don't mean you lola, your sarcasm tries to speak for itself, even if it still smarts

of the status of labels. For every person on this thread who's intention it is to belittle, you clearly live by labels more than any other. We should be here to help each other not hold one another down by tying them to a particular label.

 

I think the whole point of this thread was to question why people hold on to the labels they give themselves, not the labels forced on them by other people.

 

For example, a woman comes to LS and proclaims herself to be BW. She explains that the affair ended a year ago and she and H are well on the way to recovery and reconciliation. She says she is happy, and healed. Yet she only ever lables HERSELF as a BW. She is unable to see herself simply as a W, and always wears a big BW across her chest in every post. Her posts are full of anger and resentment against OW/OM and or WS. She can not see past her own past hurts and let go of the anger that makes her choose to wear the BW label.

 

Two years later, she is still very vocally proclaiming the label of BW. She still posts angry, she still has not learned compassion for anyone on any other side of the triangle, including her husband when speaking of any subject in which a discussion of affairs is taking place. Yet she says she is reconciled in her marriage.

 

It is not a label that she is being given, but one she continues to claim. Perhaps as a reminder to her former wayward spouse, so that he will never be allowed to forget the pain he caused her and therefor how much he owes to her?

 

I used a BW as an example here. Please do not think that only betrayed spouses carry self-proclaimed labels long past what should be their expiration dates. There are fOW/OM who are gulity of the same, and WS as well. I simply used BW as an example of what I think the question is in this thread.

 

Personally there are f/rOW I would love to see let go of their labels and just proclaim their womanhood or humanity rather than the OW label, because that label is something they use to punish themselves.

 

There are fWSs who continue to beat themselves up with their labels, not allowing themselves to just admit their are human and made a mistake and forgive themselves. The label they wear is one of contrition.

 

There are fOW who I would love to see throw away the OW label and proclaim their hard earned new titles of Wife.

 

The thing is, people can outgrow these labels and many have. I think the thread questions why so many people choose not to? What is the payoff for holding on to those labels?

[Fallen Angel]

So is it ok for someone to come here an LS with or without a label and be completely healed? I saw some recent posts that seem to accuse anyone of being on LS (especially in the Infidelity and OM/OW threads) not being content in their relationship. I'm not being sarcastic. I'm really curious?

 

Certainly healed people can come here. Hopefully we will all join the ranks of the completely healed someday. And as to people using labels to identify their past experience, that is different from people using those same labels as a badge of honor, or a weapon of convenience. A healed person will use the label to identify, people who are not yet healed will use it to abuse each other.

 

But that is just how I see it.

[Hazyhead]

I get that FA, though your post is very well written and insightful, I was referring to those who post with a demeaning attitude towards those whom attempt to explain their position. I meant that these posters spend far too much time bashing some others because of the labels they use (I understand the labels are just a part of it and they'd probably bash regardless). I guess it's more on the point threebyfate made and the continuous battle saddens me.

 

I think the whole point of this thread was to question why people hold on to the labels they give themselves, not the labels forced on them by other people.

 

For example, a woman comes to LS and proclaims herself to be BW. She explains that the affair ended a year ago and she and H are well on the way to recovery and reconciliation. She says she is happy, and healed. Yet she only ever lables HERSELF as a BW. She is unable to see herself simply as a W, and always wears a big BW across her chest in every post. Her posts are full of anger and resentment against OW/OM and or WS. She can not see past her own past hurts and let go of the anger that makes her choose to wear the BW label.

 

Two years later, she is still very vocally proclaiming the label of BW. She still posts angry, she still has not learned compassion for anyone on any other side of the triangle, including her husband when speaking of any subject in which a discussion of affairs is taking place. Yet she says she is reconciled in her marriage.

 

It is not a label that she is being given, but one she continues to claim. Perhaps as a reminder to her former wayward spouse, so that he will never be allowed to forget the pain he caused her and therefor how much he owes to her?

 

I used a BW as an example here. Please do not think that only betrayed spouses carry self-proclaimed labels long past what should be their expiration dates. There are fOW/OM who are gulity of the same, and WS as well. I simply used BW as an example of what I think the question is in this thread.

 

Personally there are f/rOW I would love to see let go of their labels and just proclaim their womanhood or humanity rather than the OW label, because that label is something they use to punish themselves.

 

There are fWSs who continue to beat themselves up with their labels, not allowing themselves to just admit their are human and made a mistake and forgive themselves. The label they wear is one of contrition.

 

There are fOW who I would love to see throw away the OW label and proclaim their hard earned new titles of Wife.

 

The thing is, people can outgrow these labels and many have. I think the thread questions why so many people choose not to? What is the payoff for holding on to those labels?

Edited July 27, 2010 by Hazyhead

[OWoman]

OWoman is no longer an OW, but still uses that name. Should she change it?

 

Ah - but who says the "O" in OWoman has to mean "other"?

 

It can also mean: only, obnoxious, ovulating, otherwise, obscure, oracular, obvious, and orgasmic - all of which I am some of the time, and some of which I am all of the time.

 

Do I really need a new name?

[OWoman]

There are fOW who I would love to see throw away the OW label and proclaim their hard earned new titles of Wife.

 

I suppose for me, becoming / being an OW was something I freely chose. Becoming a W was forced on me by necessity. It does not sit easily with my politics, and it's not something I'm "proud" of. To me, it smacks of defeat and compliance. It shows the limits of my agency and the power of the neoliberal state and the capitalist economy to dictate my choices and my identity. "Wife" is a title of compliance; "OW" is a title of resistance!

 

The thing is, people can outgrow these labels and many have. I think the thread questions why so many people choose not to? What is the payoff for holding on to those labels?

 

I am no different to how I was as an OW. All that has changed are my circumstances - or rather, my H's circumstances (he no longer has a toxic M running alongside his love R). Our R is still the same - a mere piece of paper hasn't changed our love or our commitment, it has simply erased his xW as a factor on the fringe. Do I need a new name simply because he shed some excess baggage? Why should my identity depend on the presence, or absence, of a woman who means absolutely nothing to me? Her status has changed, but mine hasn't: I am still my H's true and only love, the woman in his bed and his heart, the one in his arms and his dreams. Why should I pretend that I have changed, when what has changed is someone else's ascribing of formal status?

[jennie-jennie]

I suppose for me, becoming / being an OW was something I freely chose. Becoming a W was forced on me by necessity. It does not sit easily with my politics, and it's not something I'm "proud" of. To me, it smacks of defeat and compliance. It shows the limits of my agency and the power of the neoliberal state and the capitalist economy to dictate my choices and my identity. "Wife" is a title of compliance; "OW" is a title of resistance!

 

Being a rebel at heart, I love this!

I am no different to how I was as an OW. All that has changed are my circumstances - or rather, my H's circumstances (he no longer has a toxic M running alongside his love R). Our R is still the same - a mere piece of paper hasn't changed our love or our commitment, it has simply erased his xW as a factor on the fringe. Do I need a new name simply because he shed some excess baggage? Why should my identity depend on the presence, or absence, of a woman who means absolutely nothing to me? Her status has changed, but mine hasn't: I am still my H's true and only love, the woman in his bed and his heart, the one in his arms and his dreams. Why should I pretend that I have changed, when what has changed is someone else's ascribing of formal status?

 

So true. I am the same and hold the same values and morals now as an OW as when I was a BS and a WS.