stepmom..............

[kakayronaldo]

hi i need advice on my family issues..

i'm originally from other country and i moved to the states when i was 15 because my dad married with this lady. my sister whos 2 years younger also came with me.

 

we havent been rly close with our stepmom. we coudlnt forget our real mom back home.

so it was hard for us to treat her like a real mom. we all have gone through such hard time..

 

its been four years since we came here and im going to college this coming fall.

so i wanted to visit my country before going to college. but she said i cant..she says that i need to get prepared for college and stuffs. but she implied that we are betraying her by going back and coming back for school again. She told me to go after graduating college. but i honestly think thats unfair... i miss my family back home so much too.

 

 

Today, she complained so much about my dad about what happens while they are working together at the store they are running. she has been talkin behind his back to me recenlty few times. She was just venting but i dont really know what to tell her. i just said soemthing that was on his side and she was lke, of course you will be on his side cuz you are his daughter.

And shes said that she regrets marrying my dad couple of times and today, she added that its better off living her own when shes working hard either way.

 

 

In general, shes a nice lady and has been working to support the family. I'm really thankful to her but i just dont know what to do with her. I feel so uncomfortable and awkward when im with her. However, sometimes, im so frustrated cuz she tries to be all over my business when we both know that we are not very opened to each other.

 

 

I guess i should have been corrected the relationship with her from the beginning but i couldnt just treat her very well like a real mom when i didnt feel that way...

i feel like i came here live wiht her and dad because i just wanted to come to the states and go to school here and stuffs without not much thinking about new family and stuffs........

I also have even regreted about coming as well.

 

 

Anyways, i just want to have a better relationship with her..

any advices or opinions will be greatly appreciated...

Thank you for reading such long story.

[Chinook]

Okay first things first... I'm a step-mom (kinda - I definitely will be later this year when I get married) and you're right, it's not easy. Not by a long shot.

 

First mistake you are both making, she's not your Mom. She probably doesn't even want to be your Mom - this is waaaay different from being a step-Mom okay..? She can never take your Mom's place and most likely doesn't want to. So, I agree, that's where things started. But... what she does want, is what's best for both you and your sister because... well, because she loves your Dad (things might be tough right now, but she does love your Dad). She knows she can't be your Mom and so do you... so you guys need to get that open and on the table - not in a 'you're not my Mom' way - but in a caring and careful 'I really appreciate having another adult who cares about me around to guide me'. That can make a huge difference to how she is likely to feel about the situation. I know for me, my 9 year old step-daughter is already having the stroppy sulks because she thinks I'm there to steal her Dad from her and stop he and her Mom from communicating - when that's not the case at all. I am looking forward to her being a bit older so I can explain this to her (she's a bit young and stroppy at the moment).

 

Second, imagine if you will... you're seeing a guy you're interested in. You think everything is great, until he says 'actually, we have my children too which need to be considered'. All well and good, everyone is an adult, we can cope. But... essentially, what a step-parent walks into is a ready made family which they may not have expected, wanted or can cope with. A lot of step parents are ill-prepared for their roles in new families... and whether we like it or not, kids don't make it a walk in the park (understandably so too... because it hurts to lose a parent in one way or another). So you have the step-parent having difficulty and having to cope with something they have no idea how to cope with (yes, even those with their own kids). But they're in a situation that they want to make work because they care about their spouse and their spouse's offspring. So although she's not your Mom and you're not particularly close, she does care... otherwise you guys wouldn't be there.

 

Add in the mix, a couple of kids who also don't know how to cope with the problems and the blood-parent who also is having difficulty! It's not easy.

 

So your first point of call is to talk to her. You're at an age now where you can probably ask her advice about stuff, you could tell her your worries and fears. She's not going to eat you up! Confide in her - it will help her to trust you and your sister and in turn it will help her to try to improve your situation. Then.... look at what she's said to you... she hasn't said you can't go home to your family... she's said it's not a great time to do it. I have to be honest, I think maybe she has a point.

 

Not sure this makes sense really - but it's what I hope for my future with my step-children. I am hoping that things will not be difficult (although I know some difficulties are inevitable).