Downonlove Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 My son is seven years old. His dad and I broke up nearly 6 years ago. I have dated on and off but have pretty strict rules when it comes to dating. My children have only met one other man since my divorce that I have dated. I don't introduce them until 3 mo. into the relationship to ensure that things have progressed to a level that meeting the kids would be appropriate. My boyfriend and I reached our three month anniversary a while ago and the kids are pretty comfortable around him. He throws a football around with my son almost nightly. They get along wonderfully. One night my son saw my boyfriend and I kiss (just a peck) and got extremely upset. He said we should only kiss if we are married and we are not allowed to get married for a long time. I don't know what to do. I have to admit, my boyfriend is here a lot and I have considered that I am moving a little fast. Right now my plan is to spend less time with my bf so that my children have time to adjust. Does this seem right or am I heading in the wrong direction? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 well the truth is unless you are in a relationship heading toward mariage it is kinda emotional for your kids to meet a man and see you with a man who might just go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Downonlove Posted July 24, 2010 Author Share Posted July 24, 2010 Well, it is heading in that direction. But we have only been dating around 5 mo. It is just so early to think about marriage but I would imagine the kids would be getting used to him being around by now. I just don't know how to juggle it all. I am sure there are worries on all sides about someone coming in and possibly not being there anymore. That is one of those difficult things all single/divorced parents deal with. It's confusing and risky for everyone involved. But, I believe the outcome is worth the risk. If I continually had failed attempts and watched my children get hurt time and again I probably wouldn't date at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 Well, it is heading in that direction. But we have only been dating around 5 mo. It is just so early to think about marriage but I would imagine the kids would be getting used to him being around by now. I just don't know how to juggle it all. I am sure there are worries on all sides about someone coming in and possibly not being there anymore. That is one of those difficult things all single/divorced parents deal with. It's confusing and risky for everyone involved. But, I believe the outcome is worth the risk. If I continually had failed attempts and watched my children get hurt time and again I probably wouldn't date at all. Why not just wait until you are engaged to introduce men to your children. Most engagements these days last a year anyways so you'd have time to introduce your children and make sure everything is ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Downonlove Posted July 24, 2010 Author Share Posted July 24, 2010 I would never get engaged to someone before I know how they are around my children. Besides, that is really hard on kids as well. "Here guys, this is who I am going to marry, hope you like him." That just wouldn't sit well. I just think this is one of those situations that have to run it's course. I am doing everything I can to make the adjustment as healthy as possible. I might have moved a little fast by him being around to much but I can rectify that. Thanks for the advice though. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 Downonlove, don't worry it'll work out. We have the same problem with SO's DD. She has a strop pretty much every time we have them. Her mother has recently met someone and they get along pretty well - so we're hoping that she'll see that it's not just her Dad who has no intention of reconcilliation. In fact, things between the adults are pretty amicable - we swapped our weekends with them so that xW could sync her weekends with that of her SO recently. It's just taking the kids a little bit of time to catch up. It'll be okay... just remind yourself that he's not got the same reasoning and rationalising skills as you have and he's not had as much time to adjust. 3 months is a long time to a kid... you'll likely see an improvement over time. SO's DD asks where I am now when I am not there with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I wouldn't have a man around my kids until there was a serious commitment established, meaning engaged to be married. Three months is way too soon to know your future with this guy. I don't think you need to see your BF less, you just need to not involve your kids in your lovelife. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 well, you are not wrong, its been ages since you were in a relationship so you are rightly heading for one, the problem with your son is that he has not seen you around any man so its naturally upsetting for him to see another man kiss or hold you talk to him and tell him that as he says that you have to be married so you are heading towards a good relationship where he will have that man as a dad. try to be gentle with him and explain things about men and women and how relatiomships progress, he has only seen the ugly side of a divorce, now tell him that time might bring him a new father figure who will love and play with him just explain things to him, he is only 7 too small to understand the complexes of life I think this is a good post but I don't agree that 7 is too small to understand the complexes of life. I have my own children and have worked with them for over 30 years- believe me 7 yr olds(and younger) are very smart and a lot of kids are more tuned in than we adults! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Downonlove Posted July 29, 2010 Author Share Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) Thank you Chinook an Henna. That was great advice. I hadn't considered what he could be comparing the situation to. He is doing better already. Edited July 29, 2010 by Downonlove Link to post Share on other sites
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