Is this going to work?

[OrdealByFire]

First off, this is my first post, and think this is a great site. I'll likely frequent this board now that I've found it.

 

I met a girl on Omegle, of all places, in February. If you don't know what that is, think of it as ChatRoulette but in text. Anyways, we had both pretty recently gotten out of bad relationships. Mine a long distance one, hers not. I've basically found myself sending her messages a lot when she's gone and we can't talk... and I realize that makes me seem extremely needy. When I'm out, she doesn't do such things. I'm probably making too big of a deal out of it, but it does bother me.

 

The thing here that will make a bunch of people jump all over me and judge me is the age difference. I'll mention it later. She really doesn't at all look or act her age. We both realize this, and she says she sometimes forgets her age. Because of the difference, our parents won't let us see eachother even under supervision. We're both from the same state, 80 minutes away.

 

We argue a lot through texts and AIM, but when we talk on the phone, we're completely different people. We do love eachother and despite what other people might think, I'm not in this for a 'lay.'

 

We both have problems with trust and jealousy, and we have also both lied to eachother. Minor things for the most part, but hers bother me most.

 

She said she webcammed with 5 guys before we webcammed even once, she hid a guy that she was talking to and claimed she was just doing homework when she wasn't responding very quickly, and just last week after she swore to tell the truth all the time, I made a fake AIM account with a guy's picture. She told the fake me that I was 'adorable.', however after I told her it was actually me on the fake account, she said she was just being nice.

 

Accusations and lies and mistrust. How can this be gained and how can we be 'healthy?'

 

Oh, and for those wondering? She's 14. And I'm 19. I've disgusted you all, and made a terrible first impression, but I told you I'd share.

 

We're both virgins, our parents have talked, and like I said this isn't some kind of... pedophile "I want sex." thing.

[carvidep]

In most cases age differences don't have a huge effect on relationships. Unfortunately you two are still within the teen bracket, making her a minor, which does cause a problem. It's not disgusting, it's just not legal. if say she were 18 and you were 23 it wouldn't be an issue at all.

 

Aside from that I think the other issue is the fact that you're still wanting to persue a relationship even though you know she's flirting with other guys behind your back. That's the part that does disgust me.

 

If you really want it to work then you both need to want to be with each other 100%, no flirting on the side. I don't see that happening on her end.

[OrdealByFire]

Thanks for the reply. She claims she wasn't flirting with 'fake me', but she really was. How is saying "You wish you could kiss me." not flirting? Especially after five minutes of meeting someone?

[SassyKitten]

I would be wary, I know from personal experience and from people I know that, well, I have changed as a person a lot from the time I was 14 untill now. You're vulnerable and hurt, yes, but really that's more the reason to just make friends as that's a foundation that allows for more of a solid relationship anyway.

[nemi26]

i go on that site sometimes, i love talking to the americans ha but yeah anyways it really doesn't sound good.. you seem to want her more then she wants you, which is probs because your age you're probs alot more serious. and c'mon you feel the need to make a fake account to find out what she's like, that jus is wrong..

so have you not met but yet you love each other how can you love someone you don't trust?

[OrdealByFire]

Hard to explain, I guess. Maybe impossible. But I do love her. I think she loves me too, I'm figuring it probably isn't the same, I'm aware she is 14. She's not stupid though. She has told me she won't have sex or likely do anything sexual until she's 18, even if she's ready before then. I can respect that.

 

I'm trying to get myself less attached and needy but I'm not sure how. I try occupying myself, but then I find it doesn't last long. I also really have to tell myself to make her text first so I don't seem AS pathetic.

[carvidep]

do you have some friends you can hang out with more often? catch up with someone you haven't hung out with in a while.

 

I don't know if you're trying to keep busy alone, but it's a lot harder that way to keep yourself distracted than it is when someone else is around to hang out with.

[Jilly Bean]

She's 14. And I'm 19.

 

We're both virgins, our parents have talked, and like I said this isn't some kind of... pedophile "I want sex." thing.

 

It is pedophilic. You are an adult - she is a child. At least your parents have decided they will never let you meet (and thank god for that).

 

Why do you think both of your parents have decided not to let you meet? And why is a 19-year old adult having his parents dictate who he dates anyhow? Have you ever dated a girl your own age IRL?

 

I have to wonder what is going on with you that you are engaging in a fantasy online "relationship" with a child. You have never met her, can't meet her for another 4 years, yet claim you are in "love".

 

It's all pretty sick, honestly. I think you are very infantilized, which doesn't preclude you from legal and moral responsibility in this...

[Jilly Bean]

"Pedophilia (or paedophilia) is a psychiatric disorder in adults or late adolescents (persons age 16 and older) characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children"

 

It's only pedophilia if he is 19 and she is 4. People overuse and abuse that term.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedophilia

 

Well, discuss that with the shrink he would visit after being arrested for pursuing a minor. Lucky for him it's not across state lines, which carries additional penalties...

 

He is an adult, she is a child. What is she in, 8th grade?

[K'aycie]

Hmmm..Not sure I can give my blessing on this, she's only 14, and you're 19. I know age shouldn't matter, but, she's too young IMO.

[OrdealByFire]

No one will believe me but she doesn't look or act 14. With or without make up. She looks older than I do.

 

She acts really mature for her age as well.

 

The only time I really realize she's fourteen, is when she tells me she's watching the Disney channel. That? Makes me see her age.

 

But hey, everyone has their own opinion. I expect nearly all people to think I'm disgusting.

[aerogurl87]

Yeah she's too young for you, hate to say it. And girls that age are pretty umm "flighty" at least I was. I had an "online boyfriend" around that age and it was not serious in my mind. Just something to do when bored. I'd advise you find someone closer to your own age. But you are a cutie so you shouldn't have any trouble.

[Jilly Bean]

What kind of advice are you looking for, Ordeal?

 

You asked if this could work with a child you're not allowed to meet for four years.

 

So, are you asking if your online fantasy is going to last for four years until you can meet in person?

[OrdealByFire]

I SHOULDN'T have trouble, but I do. I do something wrong. It can't be hygiene.

 

And I don't know, she seems pretty needy for someone that's talking to me just because she's bored. And she took her last break up pretty badly - so she says.

 

EDIT: Fantasy? Really? If she LOOKED like a little kid, maybe you could accuse me all you wanted of being a sick pervert, but she doesn't, so if your accusations would stop, that'd be great.

[aerogurl87]

I SHOULDN'T have trouble, but I do. I do something wrong. It can't be hygiene.

 

And I don't know, she seems pretty needy for someone that's talking to me just because she's bored. And she took her last break up pretty badly - so she says.

 

EDIT: Fantasy? Really? If she LOOKED like a little kid, maybe you could accuse me all you wanted of being a sick pervert, but she doesn't, so if your accusations would stop, that'd be great.

 

Are you really shy in person or one of those "good guys"? My boyfriend's like that and I find him to be irresistible, yet he had trouble meeting girls before me. That could be it or maybe you're meeting the wrong type of girls.

 

She may not be bored, but I'm just saying it could be a possibility. Needy people like company, I should know I'm needy. My friends call me emotionally high maintenance because I MUST talk to my boyfriend frequently throughout the day. But that's how I like my relationships to work, but I digress. I'd still move on, it'd suck if you had to catch a charge because you're in love with a girl 4 years your junior.

[Jilly Bean]

EDIT: Fantasy? Really? If she LOOKED like a little kid, maybe you could accuse me all you wanted of being a sick pervert, but she doesn't, so if your accusations would stop, that'd be great.

 

I'm saying you engaging in this "thing", something in which you are prohibited from meeting IN REALITY for FOUR years, is fantasy. Life occurs in reality. Meeting someone online is fine, if you have plans to actually meet in the near future. But, four years? C'mon.

 

And why do you think her parents wont let her meet you, even WITH adult supervision?

 

You're nineteen. You should be out at clubs and bars, meeting college girls and going to parties. Not sitting in your room chatting online with a child.

 

And you keep bringing up how she looks so much older than 14. That's almost creepier, IMO. It's like someone getting off on watching JonBenet dressed up in her pageant wear. Particularly since this girl watches Disney. Oy.

 

Have you ever dated a girl in reality? Or, has it always been these online things with girls you never meet?

[OrdealByFire]

...she doesn't look 14 not because she dresses up or wears obscene amounts of make up. Her face just. Grew up fast? I don't know, I'm not God.

 

p.s. I'm really shy.. until you know me. Then I'm loud and immature.

 

And about us 'not working' because of the age. There's always risk in relationships, regardless of that. I could meet someone my age or older and it might not work out.

Edited July 28, 2010 by OrdealByFire

[aerogurl87]

My boyfriend is the exact same way... he once told me he could have easily seen himself remaining a virgin throughout his 20s had he not met me. I think most people (especially the young) are in a rush. A rush to find someone to love and companionship.

 

No offense, Ordeal, but the chances are more likely that this girl is not the love of your life. You shouldn't lock yourself down with her.

 

Haha my boyfriend said the same thing basically. He said if he hadn't met me he'd probably be a complete loner, still a virgin waiting on the right girl to lose his virginity to, working on his car, working, and not dating any girls since no one seemed interested in him. And the girls that were, turned out to be bitches who'd dump him for the first manwhore who'd show them any interest. I agree though, young people are in a rush to find love. I was like that myself till I met my boyfriend. I had it all planned out, be married by 25, kids by 27, and live happily ever after, all that was missing was the guy, lol. Now that I've found who I'm 99% sure will be the father of my children and my future husband I'm in no rush to marry him and start a family. The here and now is so great, I'm just enjoying everything as it is now.

 

But ordeal, seriously please break up with this girl before you piss her off and she says something to her parents, who might get the cops involved and you in alot of trouble.

[OrdealByFire]

her parents know what's going on.

 

i've messaged her dad on facebook a couple tiems.

[sweetjasmine]

And about us 'not working' because of the age. There's always risk in relationships, regardless of that. I could meet someone my age or older and it might not work out.

 

What you're not seeing is that it absolutely will not work out.

 

Aside from all the other things, her brain isn't even done maturing, and both her mind, body, and personality are going to change radically within the next 5, 10, and 15 years. Has she even started high school yet? It doesn't matter how mature she sounds -- she's still 14 years old. She has no life experience, no freedom, no real responsibilities, and neither of you has any idea who she'll become once she finishes growing up. Because she's not done growing up. She's. Not. Done. Growing. Up.

 

She's not going to have a full license for another 3-4 years. She's not going to be able to go drink at a bar legally for another 7 years.

 

Do you think you'd both be able to last 4 years without meeting? When she hasn't even gone through high school yet? Is she going to skip junior prom because you still can't go with her because she's only 16?

[OrdealByFire]

Mind, body, and personality are going to change for me in 5, 10, and 15 years too.

 

But I get it.

[sweetjasmine]

Mind, body, and personality are going to change for me in 5, 10, and 15 years too.

 

But I get it.

 

Sure, but not as radically as your mind, body, and personality changed from when you were 14 to now. Chances are her body is literally not done growing yet, and her brain certainly isn't. If you think about it, she probably only hit puberty less than 4 years ago. There's a big difference between someone her age and a 19 year old woman.

 

I'm not trying to put you down or make you feel bad, but IMO you're not thinking very clearly about this.

[OrdealByFire]

...I've been put down and made to feel bad about it. And I do think clearly about it. I realize it's unlikely. I just like to have hope.

 

As sad as that may be? I do.

[Jilly Bean]

...she doesn't look 14 not because she dresses up or wears obscene amounts of make up. Her face just. Grew up fast? I don't know, I'm not God.

 

If I were you, I'd be pretty damn concerned that she's an undercover cop trying to catch pedophiles in internet chat rooms.

 

Have ya seen "To Catch A Predator"?

[aerogurl87]

Ordeal what is your ideal relationship? Think about that and what you have now and compare the two. And then think about where you would ideally see this relationship ending up at? Now once you've done that think of the odds that will happen, not statistically necessarily, but with the current circumstances surrounding your relationship. Does this seem logically like a good relationship to you? Now I know you have to be a bit of a romantic and optimist to be in a LDR, but realistically, logically does this seem feasible to you?