Step-Parenting.

[Chinook]

I don't really know where to start. Later this year, my partner and I are getting married. In the short term, he will move in with me (financially easier at the moment). After the economic situ here in the UK settles a bit more, we'll probably sell up and move some place new. Right now the house we will live in is mine and he'll be bringing his family to it every other weekend. He has two young children from his previous M - DD (9) and DS (6). I have been present in their lives since March this year - we took a lot of time together to make sure our relationship was stable before we involved his kids and didn't do so until after we got engaged. His xW was nice about me meeting the kids and asked how it went. She recently also introduced her partner to them and we rearranged things with the visits to accommodate her sync'ing her weekends off with his. So the adults seem to all be okay at the moment (aware this can change).

 

So my problem has several aspects to it.

 

 

1 - I don't have children of my own. Whilst I love kids and usually get along well with them, I'm still finding it difficult really because these two seem cold and distant all the time towards me. I understand this and I'm patient with it - but I'd really like it to go well/better. I know that they don't have the understanding, reasoning and rationalisation skills we have and I am aware that they're behind (time wise) in catching up with both their parents new partners. Their parents split in 2007 though - so it's not like it was yesterday. Plus,

 

 

 

2 - Since the first couple of weekends of contact passed, they come during each visit to my house to play on the wii (we play a family game of bowling) and spend some time in the garden with their Dad - kicking the ball about, playing cricket etc (he only has a one room appt so it's easier with the space for them at mine). They have not and do not stay over here. They've washed up in the bathtub on one occasion, but that's all. The last few times they have been here, DD has been in a strop on every single occasion (sulks when she can't get her own way, speaks rudely to me for no reason etc, ignores her Dad). Its now got to the point where it's making me feel uneasy for days before they come (every other weekend) and I feel that no matter what I do, nothing is going to be right for this child. I haven't said anything to Mr this weekend but it's made me so miserable this time that I asked him not to bring them and give me some time off on this occasion. But it's worrying me that when they come here to start staying here (when we get married) things are going to be difficult all the time... and I'm not going to be able to - or should - ask for time out.

 

 

 

3 - I realise and understand what I was getting into with him and want to manage it (that's why I'm here) and try to help Mr do the best for his children. So far when things have cropped up and been difficult, I've avoided seeing them as I don't want them to be uncomfortable. So it means that we (he and I) have a weekend without seeing each other whilst he spends time with the kids (which is fine). But my problem is, when he's not living at his place... what then..? But at the same time, whenever a problem has arisen, the nine year old has managed to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home. This has happened on four occasions now and I'm worried it's a sign of the future to come. I'm really disappointed because I wanted to be a positive force in their lives. I didn't want to be the 'wicked step-mother' but I feel this is how I'm being seen, simply because I'm someone who is not their Mum, who loves their Dad. I know at some point I should probably have the 'I'm not your Mum discussion' with the oldest child... because the youngest takes his lead from her - when she's fine, so is he. When she's in a strop and upset at something, so is he.

 

 

4 - Examples of strops - Birthday party - lots of people came who she didnt know (they were my friends as well as her Dads). Asking her to wear her bike helmet when out on a bike ride with us (she didn't want to because it made her hair messy). Simple silly things like these. I didn't intervene in them - but it was me who was singled out for criticism - like the bike helmet I got "Mum doesn't make me wear a helmet" which I had to return with "yes, but this area is a lot different from where you live with mum and there are big trucks around, plus your dad is worried about you". I hadn't initially said anything to her - but it was me she levelled the complaint at, whilst Dad was favured adult as usual.

 

 

Sorry for the length, I'm just so badly wanting things to go okay and to do my best for them, I feel like I'm making a mess of it and I don't know why or what I can do to change it. I get involved with them both when they have been here, run around, play with them, talk with them etc. But when anything happens they make it clear that I'm an outsider and I feel it. It's straining my relationship with their Dad - not to breaking point or anything, we're pretty solid, but it's something that we were hoping would go a little better than it is. This weekend, for example, I have avoided seeing them because I've had a stressful week at work and I knew that if I saw them and it went badly and girl-child pulled her diva trick, I'd end up in tears. I just don't know what to do or how to improve it. Has anyone got any tips for a new step-parent...?

[TaraMaiden]

Very briefly?

You and your partner have to be on the same page in dealing with this.

You have to discuss this with him, and give him the reasoning behind your concern (no kids of your own, you knew they're completely and totally and rightly part of the package) and come clean about the stuff that is troubling you.

 

Tell him you never ever expect to be a mom to them, they have one, just as they have a dad.

And tell him you know that they have to come first in his life, as his kids, but that at the same time, occasionally it needs compromise and balance. you are after all, making a life together....

 

You need his support and back-up, and you need to agree on many things, from treats, to discipline, to principles to tastes.

You also need to discuss this with his ex-wife, their mother, and maybe agree on some things with her.

Like she explains to them that even if they come to your home and the rules are a bit different, that's your right, because everybody has different outlooks, and everybody is entitled to make rules according to their principles.

 

Discuss this amongst you.

The children have 2 parents, and 2 step-parents.

This is not easy for them to completely understand and cope with.

It's confusing and it probably tears them up a bit.

By all means be adult about it, but understand your viewpoint must also see it from the children's eye-view.

[Chinook]

Hi Tara

 

Thanks for your response. I think you're right. I think what's happening right now is that we're just coming on up to the point of needing to sit down to talk about these things. I think we both thought it would be a lot easier than it is. Also, I don't think he appreciates how much the kids probably want their parents to still get back together. My partner tells me that when he talks to his daughter, she says everything is fine... when clearly it isn't. She doesn't act out anywhere else.

 

I have already mentioned to him about the conversation with his ex-w and he agreed it was a good idea. The problem is, it depends what kind of concilliatory mood she's in for that to happen and... whether she will see that there is a potential problem here, or just see it as me wanting there to be a problem with her daughter. I want to avoid that scenario at all costs. When she's seeing someone, she's fine... when she isn't everything is my partner's fault and she gives him a hard time with/over the kids (even though she's the one who cheated on him way back when).

 

As for understanding it from the child's eye view... the whole reason I am here is because there is so much and so many things she does, I can see myself in her. My parents were divorced when I was five. I didn't act out - but I did lose contact with my Dad (lots of parental warfare). I'm trying to see where this child is and how to deal with her world sensitively but firmly too. Ideally, I'd like her to see me as a friend, someone positive in her life - who she can rely upon to take care of her if needed. I know that she's the key to both of them being happy because she takes control in their sibling relationship. He rarely does anything without her sayso.

[BellaBellaBella]

I can tell you when I was a single, I was a lot more opinionated and alot stricter then when I had my own children.

 

How this relates, when you have children living with you on a consistent basis you have to realize what is a deal and what isn't. If you are trying to please all the time or make them behave all the time you will be crazy.

 

I would make sure you have areas for them of there own. Realize they have the same issues at their mothers home. I would suggest alot of patience.

 

I would suggest you and their father sit down and make a list of guidelines/rules for your home. Then call a family meeting and give guidelines and as for suggestions.

[Tayla]

Three key elements you can bring to the table (so to speak).

1: The ability to empathize

2: The ability to recognize inappropriate child behavior

3: The ability to examine options. Sounds like you are open to ideas!

 

With those skills, use it to your family advantage. Learn which one fits the scenario at hand. Then follow thru.

I personally think remaining somewhat aloof to her ill behavior and concentrating on the overall family group activity is a way to get her to shape up. The less you re-act and the more you behave "as if" her poor behavior is not acceptable the better she will turn around and start to see that you are both non bias and still adult in your determination to keep the ideals of the family activity in tact.

Best to you , you sound like a caring person and have a good heart where the overall family is concerned.

[Chinook]

Hi Guys

 

Just wanted to say thankyou for the help and advice. Been busy this last two weeks so I didn't get a chance to check back on this thread until this weekend.

 

My partner and I talked long and hard about this. We are both tight on supporting each other and helping the kids get through this and... I've asked OH to try and talk to his ex-w about a meeting, so we can all talk about the welfare of the kids. I'd just like their Mom to understand how I care about what impact all this has on them. I'm not their Mom and I don't want to try to be. But I'm fully aware of the responsibility I have as a foremost adult in their lives, so I want both parents to understand that I'll do my best. I'm not sure entirely that I want my OH to convey that on my behalf. I think that may be best coming from me. Why do I feel that Mom is important...? Well... the kids were over again this weekend and it has been really really nice. I wanted their Dad to be happy, but them also. That said, I didn't do anything special - we played some games, played on DSs and then took them to the cinema and had a family meal out for dinner. They came back to my place and they took a bath here (instead of at their Dad's place). Eventually he will move here, so we're slowly trying to introduce more of 'doing normal stuff' here. But this weekend, none of it has been difficult. Older girl child has made a huge effort and I was really pleased. She made a complete effort to include me in everything and I felt really honoured that a child would be that way with me. It has made a huge difference and I was just totally normal with them, that is, when they had their feet (with shoes on) on the chairs, I asked them to remove them - stuff like that y'know. I dunno, I just feel like a corner has been turned. I know it won't be easy by any stretch but it's been easier this weekend than anytime previously.