Is An Affair A Horrible Thing?

[jester]

My advice differed because Imagem's expectations were different from that of kkat.

 

I tailor the advice to my best guess as to the situation as gleaned from the posts.

 

Saying that, you're right: once a relationship ignites, all bets are off. Modest expectations that were perfectly acceptable before sex, all of a sudden become unacceptable as the other woman wants more from the married man.

 

That's a real risk. One that the other woman does not appreciate until she's confronted with the affair's inherent limitations. When that happens, his crumbs are not enough.

 

I believed Imagem when she assured us that no expectation inflation would occur given her obvious maturity. Then again, people aren't robots.

 

Thanks for reading me!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Always read you Jester!

 

And you're absolutely right, its situational. I think the advice you have given to women who find themselves an unhappy third partner in affairs is absolutely brilliant! It's honest, articulate and based on personal experience and fact rather than fuzzy philosophical ideas.

 

You can't beat that!

 

Inmagin obviously respects your views as well...which is why I thought she might appreciate me bumping that one up. It represents both sides of the spectrum: the *before the affair* advice and the *after the affair* advice. It helps to provide a complete perspective of the entire situation.

 

My only hope is that whichever advice Inmagin chooses to follow, she has at least thought that far ahead.

 

I'm a pragmatist!...I can't help it!

[jester]

The more I ponder this, and read your post, the less sure I am .

 

We all crave certainties,but in matters of the heart there are, as we all painfully know, precious few, if any.

 

That's why, despite my advice, I was happy to read that Imagem will not be , in today's vernacular, "hooking-up" with this gentleman.

 

I do hope that she finds someone--preferably a man who is "available" in every sense of the word.

 

By the way, you, too, are on my LS must read list, which is a short list.

[Imagem]

Jester, You would be fun to debate with. Yes, my lonileness would have been taken care of and if it could have happened with a guarantee that the wife never would find out it may have worked. I would have been happy ..he would have been able to laugh a little more and have challanged conversations along with sharing some cherished moments.

 

It is so weird that their are so many lonely people in the world yet when you look around many are lonely that are single and so many are lonely or missing something in a marriage.

 

Aww but life is soooo Interesting.

[jester]

It is so weird that their are so many lonely people in the world yet when you look around many are lonely that are single and so many are lonely or missing something in a marriage.

 

Aww but life is soooo Interesting.

 

 

 

That it is, Imagem. That it is.

 

Best of luck in your quest.

[butterflywings]

I think morals are what you make them. Everyone has different morals otherwise things would be a lot different in the world. I am not saying affairs are right and I will be the first to admit when a husband or friend of mine cheats or gets cheated on I'm the first one to call the guy or girl a name. However I also stop and think that my friend who was involved with the affair was not the cause of it. I've been the OW for over a 1yr & 1/2 now, granted for the past 6 months everyone knows about it and he has left his wife. Every case is different and you can't judge one based on the other. Everyone and every situation is different and you don't know until you are in that situation. I have known since day one that his marriage has not been right, from other people not just him. It is not always one person's fault and sometimes it is no ones fault and you just have to realize if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you anyway? I feel bad for those wives who really did do nothing wrong and I believe that there are people that have done nothing wrong. But you have to move on and worry about your own hapiness in a situation like that, and not worry about destroying someone else's. Focus on your hapiness, there is nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to making yourself happy. I used to worry about everyone elses feelings and how they would feel if they found out. But what about me? Everyone is different, everyone has different emotions, otherwise positings and websites like this wouldnt exist for people to express there opinions.

[befuddled11]

For those who condone or justify affairs, and express the defense that "everyone has different morals"...well put morals aside for a moment.

 

Another way to look at why affairs are wrong, IMO, is this.

 

We all have free will. We should all have the freedom to do what we want in life, to make ourselves happy. Sure. But when a person's "choices" and "actions" and "decisions" DIRECTLY (if not immediately but down the line) negatively impact ANOTHER person's happiness/life (spouse, children, family)....then it should be a no-brainer that it's wrong to have an affair.

 

What a selfish society we live in, where there are people out there who feel it's "okay" to carry on/lie/cheat/have affairs/etc.....thinking only of themselves and thinking very little, if any, about the very real repercussions and the impact their selfishness is going to have on those they supposedly care about.

 

Hey, if a person feels their need for sex isn't being met in their relationship or marriage, or they feel bored, or whatever..FINE! Nobody says you don't have the right to be happy, to be sexually fulfilled, to have your needs met.........BUT when your desire to have your needs met (whatever they may be) is going to directly impact the feelings/lives of those around you (spouse, children, family, coworkers, etc)...and in a very hurtful, devastating way, then all I can say is "shame on you."

 

Think about why people who cheat/have affairs/are the OW or OM take part in all the "sneaking around" and secrecy of the affair. Why? Because it's not a huge newsflash that what they're doing is wrong and will inevitably end up devastating other people. Just the fact that people who have affairs "sneak around" should be ample proof that they know it's wrong...for if they truly felt so justified in it, and proud of what they were doing, why would they sneak around?

[befuddled11]

I think morals are what you make them.

 

So in other words, it's okay to adapt your morals to fit (or justify) your actions? Interesting. So what about the murderer or rapist or child molester. Maybe their morals were adapted such that they didn't feel it was "wrong" to kill or rape or molest. So based on your line of thinking above, if you were to meet a rapist or murderer who said to you, "well I didn't believe that killing or raping was wrong, because my morals are different than societies'", you would accept that?

 

I am not saying affairs are right and I will be the first to admit when a husband or friend of mine cheats or gets cheated on I'm the first one to call the guy or girl a name. However I also stop and think that my friend who was involved with the affair was not the cause of it. I've been the OW for over a 1yr & 1/2 now, granted for the past 6 months everyone knows about it and he has left his wife.

 

A pretty big contradiction, no? You're the first to admit that when you find out someone close to you has been cheated on, you're the first one to call the "cheater" a name....yet you then go on to admit you yourself are the OW? Can we say hypocrisy?

 

I have known since day one that his marriage has not been right, from other people not just him.

 

So what? Nobody ever said marriage was a big bowl of cherries, or that it was easy. You actually feel justified for having been the mistress because his marriage wasn't good? How would you ever feel if you were in a difficult marriage and your husband was screwing around on you with a woman who had your same sense of justification??

 

It is not always one person's fault and sometimes it is no ones fault and you just have to realize if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be. Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you anyway?

 

I could ask the same question...why would the OW/OM want to be with someone who keeps them as a "side-dish" but still goes home each night to their spouse? Why would anyone want to pick up someone else's crumbs?

 

But you have to move on and worry about your own hapiness in a situation like that, and not worry about destroying someone else's. Focus on your hapiness, there is nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to making yourself happy.

 

I really feel badly for you, that you sincerely seem to think it's acceptable in life to be selfish and put your own happiness before your fellow human being's happiness.....and that it's clear you have no problem being a part of destroying someone else's happiness (marriage, family, etc)

 

God, if everyone on this planet had the same mindset that you do.....selfish self-gratification and not having any respect for other people's feelings, this world would be a horrid place where people walked over everyone, and everyone was miserable.

 

I'm really always quite amazed at how the OW/OM can seem so......callous and hardened to the pain they take part in creating in the lives of many innocent people....and how they can so matter-of-factly justify why they do what they do. My God, even as children we are taught to be kind to others, even strangers.....and to treat people with respect, to share and to not be selfish....yet so many adults grow up without any sense of that. It's really really sad.

 

It's a known fact, too, that for the OW/OM...the spouse you're having the affair on.....if he's cheated with you, he'll eventually cheat on you. Statistics prove this. And for those cheating spouses who leave their spouse for their OW/OM, only a very very very very small percentage ever actually "marry" their OW/OM...and an even smaller % actually remain together for the rest of their lives. My guess is it's that whole Karma thing coming into play, which is a good thing, in my mind.

[Iamhappy]

Befuddled - I'm so glad you said something. I saw her response to this post and to another post and I wanted to reply, but found I could not, because for lack of a better word, I was befuddled.

[Imagem]

Ok, all posts do have merit. I thought Butterflywigs had some valid points.

Befuddled I am not sure but I have a feeling you may be somewhat narrowminded in the world of today.

 

When we say or think "affair" do we always have to assume it is some tawrdy dirty thing? Suppose there is the situation where the man/woman comsidering one is stayng with his/her partner in life out of genuine love, care and concern as she/he is ill. Suppose he/she does not want to leave the partner yet is miserable inside due to circumstances. Should this person sacrifice his/her own well being for the sake of morals? or could it be that they may have found someone that really has connected with them and understands the circumstances and is willing to commit to this kind of affair.

 

What justifies the right or wrong affair? And who are the judges? How can we judge anything that we do not know the complete specifics.

I don't know if one can love two people at the same time or maybe love is not the right word here I know that there are several different kinds of love and in this situation it may apply. One person said it very well early on this post, if it is deemed, boundaries and expectations need identified.

 

I know I made my decision and I have stayed my distance from him then yesterday, Valentines day there he appears with a box of candy and a Smile. I did not know whether to burst into tears or grab him with the biggest hug I could give.

 

Jester......where are you now?

[jester]

I maintain that context, more than anything else, defines whether an affair is harmless, horrible or worse. Despite the strong feelings many people have on this subject, an affair is not the moral equivalent of murder, child molestation or arson. Good, law abiding, church going, productive , puppy loving folks have affairs. They are not all mired in selfish self-gratification. Nor are these God-fearing tax paying folks hell bent on destroying marriages and families. Emotional needs frequently drive many an affair, especially for women. That's not an excuse: that's simply the way it is.

 

When people demonize folks who have affairs, they strip a rich emotional reality of all its layered complexity in order to reduce an affair to pure lust and extreme selfishness. That makes for impassioned argument, but does not come close to capturing many an affair's textured reality or emotional core.

 

I think the problem lies with language. As the word "marriage" does not begin to capture the many unique experiences of being married , the word "affair" does not capture the many different nuances and situations. Each marriage is different; each affair is different.

 

In your case, Imagem, an argument can be made for a relationship with this MM (who, by the way, is very interested in you) so long as the affair is conducted discreetly, the lovers' expectations are in synch (and remain so) and everyone maintains balance and perspective.

 

If you would be satisfied with very discreet encounters with this MM, and are reasonably certain that your affair will not emotionally immolate his family, then go for it. It's a risk, but I suspect you're falling in love , the oxytocin is flowing and one you're prepared to assume.

 

Just bear in mind, and I know you already understand this, that the emotional security and well-being of others --outside the bubble that you and your MM inhabit--are at risk. So take a very deep breath and think long and hard before you take the plunge. Because once you do, many innocent emotional lives might be forever affected.

 

Seek your happiness, but protect the MM's family as much as you can. Deception is rarely fool-proof, forever.

[Imagem]

I think the problem lies with language. As the word "marriage" does not begin to capture the many unique experiences of being married , the word "affair" does not capture the many different nuances and situations. Each marriage is different; each affair is different.

 

Thank you Jester you are so very wise....

[EnigmaXOXO]

Imagen, were you happy when you were married? And do you think you would like marry again some day?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Imagem

 

Befuddled I am not sure but I have a feeling you may be somewhat narrowminded in the world of today.

 

 

Nope, not at all. It just seems like common decency and common sense to not get involved in any way, with someone who's already made a promise and a commitment to someone else.

 

There's plenty of single men out there in the world, I've never felt the need to slink after someone's husband. Sure, I've met some very nice looking, nice married guys in my life....but I, like millions of others, know where the boundaries are. Kind of like when you're a kid, you're taught not to take something that's not yours. Duh.

 

Why would I want to be someone's mistress? Why would I want to invest even 5 minutes of my time and heart to someone who has to sneak around to be with me? Who leaves being with me, and goes back home to his unsuspecting wife......where they no doubt have lots of sex and intimacy and raising their family together. Why would I want to have to share a guy with someone else? I don't know about you, but I'm worth way more than to have to pick up someone else's crumbs...I don't care how nice or sweet or good looking they are.

 

Why would I want to sit at home alone knowing the guy is waking up Christmas morning with his wife and his children? Having to spend all the important holidays alone while he spends them with the woman he walked down the aisle with?......sitting and stewing and feeling sad and lonely and praying he'll just call so that I can hear his voice. Blech. Yuck. Again, I wouldn't ever want to be someone's side-dish or second choice. And make no mistake, a mistress/OW is "SECOND CHOICE" because if she was first choice, he would be divorced from his wife.

 

I have respect for my fellow woman, too. I was once a wife. I wore the dress, I walked down that aisle, I stood there before God and family and friends and looking into my guy's eyes and meant very sincerely and solemnly, the vows. I have a great respect for marriage, and the sacredness of it. To be a mistress/OW, you're party to the betrayal of a fellow woman......an innocent person who's never done one thing to you ever. I think it's sad when women disrespect each other. We need to stick together, like sisters.

 

So if you want to really call me narrowminded, I surely take no offense......because at least I can sleep well at night, and get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror without having any shame. When I'm old and gray and on my deathbed, I'll be able to look back and know that I never f*cked someone else's husband or betrayed anyone's marriage. I'll know that I was never the reason that some poor woman came a Relationship Forum such as this, posting about how her life has been turned upside down, because she's found out that her husband has been having an affair...and she feels like a knife has been ripped through her heart, and she's afraid for her children because all she ever wanted was for them to have a good home with Mom and Dad (as opposed to a broken home and Daddy having a mistress).

[Tony T]

Your above post made a lot of sense, particularly the first three or four paragraphs. It got me to thinking about the real purpose of marriage. If so many people are going to have affairs (even destined to have them), and have them casually, it seems the only purpose of getting married is to legitimize offspring. Otherwise, as you said and I do believe correctly, many very good people ultimately find their own reasons to stray...to betray (harsh word) their spouses, to wander, to seek variety or emotional support elsewhere. The way you said it, rather eloquently I might add, the idea of marriage seems just to take us up a notch or two from the animal kingdom, which doesn't venture such rituals in its quest to reproduce.

 

So marriage for many is just a temporary legal entangelement to appease society and our state of chemistry at the time...sort of a temporary union by nature. And if it lasts, it changes like everything else on the planet.

 

As long as there are financial and familial emotional consequences of an affair, the natural thing to do is attempt to have them secretly. Maybe that's the whole attraction of them to those who participate. I don't know.

 

Bottom line: Marriage is whatever you make it. I think we need a vaccine to innoculate ourselves against self-deception prior to marriage and people ought to go into it fully aware that no matter how much in love they may feel at the time, adultery is a real possibility somewhere down the road. It's a bit scary but I always think if you're prepared for something you can deal with it better. It could very well be that affairs may be incorporated into the marriage ritual as a whole in centuries to follow. I just don't know. I'm so confused.

[jester]

Tony, you brilliantly (and I believe that's the first time I've used that term, here) teased out the implications of my position.

 

You've said it better than I could (and have).

[dkopp]

Imagem,

You have gotten a lot of very controversial opinionated responses from this thread. A lot of these folks have valid points - both those for and against. Each one of these peoples' opinions have come from the outcome of THEIR personal viewpoints and experiences and are worth considering.

 

HOWEVER, YOU are the one in this situation and whatever decision you make, just make sure you make it with your EYES WIDE OPEN. I'm assuming that you have never been involved in an affair before. Morality issues aside (I think you've gotten enough feedback already in that arena) Let me tell you, if you do go forward, it will probably be one of the most LIFE-GIVING feelings you will ever experience. BUT you will also experience some of the indescribable, gut-wrenching lows you can even imagine. Both of these feelings are intertwined with affairs. I'm sure you know that only less than 5% of MM ever actually leave their wives. Most women in affairs consciously or unconsciously believe that they will be the exception. Chances are moving forward with this guy will bring you more pain than you can possibly imagine. You are lucky - you still have time to run before you have to experience this firsthand. I wish I would have taken a really hard look at the dynamics of an affair before I entered into mine - I could have possibly saved myself from the most painful thing I've ever gone through. When the sparks start flying - that's the time to get out.

 

Whatever you decide - I wish you happiness and peace.

[Imagem]

Enigma, I was married for 28 yrs to a man who actually taught me the true meaning of the word love. He loved me unconditionally and was my best friend. Sure we had some rough times what marriage doesn't but we both learned and grew from them. Do I ever want to re-marry no why you ask ? I married with vows in a church and did all the traditional things neccessary to make a marriage a good one, make a home be a Mother as well as a carreer woman. Never had an affair in my life NEVER.. But he did once and I found after soul searching that I may have driven him there. Once the problem was identified the rest of the journey was wonderful. We grew stronger as a couple but lost who we were from the beginning. Now remember that line...

 

Do I ever want to re-marry? NO! NO! NO! why? because should I fall in love again I want the passion to always be there, I want that every time he or I walk thru that door we are genuinely happy to see each other for

the simple reason of being together no holds bar. That may sound silly but that is how I feel. I do not want him to have to be responsible for me nor I him. I want the next relationship I have to start with a beginning and stay there always. Happy to just be in each others presence.

 

dkopp I do know what you mean by Life_Giving feelings, I do miss them and the gut wrenching lows I feel now at times so I am not sure if the affair would be any different than the way I now sometimes feel.

 

Again I will state that my decision has been made unless something major happens that would change my mind and that is a possibility as right now I am sort if doing the one day at a time thing with my heart and emotions . ...

 

Befuddled, you must be a very young woman. I never had the need for an affair in my younger years. You, I think will understand this more when your older. I do not worry about Christmas with his kids and all that. I also look in the mirror and like myself for who I am. I do not want to destroy anyone and I have no intention of that. I intend to be me and like the person I have become. I Plan on making good conscious decisions no matter who agrees or dissagrees.

 

All of the veiwpoints have been so helpful but it is time for us to let this one go.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I cannot believe that you are even questioning whether it is a good idea to have an affair with a MM.

 

Not withstanding the morality issue, What about self respect?

If you can go into an affair without having ANY feelings of guilt or concience then you are either cold hearted or just a totally evil being.

 

I would place myself in his wifes shoes and try to see it from her perspective.

 

A person who cared about people would tell this man to get some counseling and would make herself available only after he separated from his wife.

 

You can get sex anywhere if that is all you are after but if you want an emotional attachment then you need to have him work things through. Finish one relationship before beginning another.

 

I have found that those who get involved in affairs are very selfish people who only care that they are getting satisfied.

 

I have been on the other side, I was the wife of a cheater.

You have no idea what it does to the self esteem of the wife, she feels unloved and worthless. She feels she has failed at life.

I wanted nothing more then to take my own life, if I hadn't had my five children to care for I would have driven off a cliff.

 

The wife is not always the witch she is portrayed to be, It works both ways.

 

The faithfulwife

[jester]

Is An Affair A Horrible Thing?

 

To TheFaithfulWife, people who have affairs, or who consider having an affair , are "cold hearted," "totally evil" and "very selfish."

 

The debate is over.

[Destiny2004]

Originally posted by Imagem

 

 

Is an affair a horrible thing?

 

 

YES! I have been the OW for 2 years now. I am extremely depressed and LONELY. It is a horrible feeling. I wish I never met him. I am having difficulty breaking it off, I've tryed 5 times over the years. I am in love with him and it hurts a lot.

 

Please do it for yourself---stop contact with him, BEFORE YOU FALL FOR HIM!!!

 

Once I get the courage to leave again ---but to stay away, I will NEVER be the OW again. NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! It's torture