Should I tell my mom my dad's cheating on her?

[OrdealByFire]

No kids. I'm 19, sister's almost 22.

 

I don't know. I think her reason for doing it, personally, is because she doesn't want to deal with people knowing she had a failed marriage, and doesn't want to start all over again.

 

All they do is argue, mostly about money, and make empty threats about leaving each other. It's getting tiresome.

 

I'll just say sometimes when my mom's complaining about him "Then divorce him."

[OrdealByFire]

This is a TMI, but I'm about 90% positive he has at least one STD. I won't explain why I think so.

[txsilkysmoothe]

About 4 or 5 years ago first off, I found 400+ full length porn videos on my dad's computer. I told my mom eventually, and she said she didn't care.

 

About a year later I told my mom he was fooling around or something along those lines

 

I'm THINKING my mom knows he's cheating.

 

My sister, I, my grandparents, and a good portion of the rest of my family tell her about it and joke about it, but it doesn't seem to phase her.

 

Based on the above, your mom has plenty of information already. If she chooses to ignore it, that is her choice. Stay out of it. I think this is really more about you being angry at your dad for some other reason. Is it because he isn't a good father? It doesn't sound like he spends time with you.

 

You're 19 - have you considered moving out and focusing on your life and happiness? If you're not living with them, you won't feel as compelled to "fix" their problem.

Edited July 26, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[OrdealByFire]

I'm just at a community college right now. Once I transfer to a 'real' college - next year - I'll likely move to a dorm... or, I hopefully will.

 

I'm upset with him because he is a pretty terrible dad. I don't care to hang out with him, because I don't even really like him. He's rude, a cheapskate even though he's making at LEAST 200k a year, and I just don't get along with him. If we talk, it's about sports. If we go anywhere, it's some sporting event.

[Owl]

This begs a question...

 

Are you wanting to tell your mom in an effort to improve things...or are you wanting to tell your mom in an effort to make your dad suffer in some ways?

 

And clarify exactly what you'd like to see change if you tell her...what actual outcome you feel would be the best for everyone involved?

[Owl]

Interesting. I have to tell you...I've just scanned back through your previous posts/threads, and I've found it very, very difficult to reconcile your age with your communication.

 

You use phrases and references that are 'too old' for you. Your communication style itself differs considerably from that of most normal 19 year olds as well...even well-educated ones. It's not a matter of smart...but simply the WAY that you communicate that doesn't seem to match your age.

 

Non-sequiter.

[OrdealByFire]

I don't find that I communicate well - just that I know my grammar for the most part.

 

I'd say I'd like to tell my mom so my dad suffers. My mom would get half of what he has (from what I can understand) if she divorces him, and I know he'd be more than a little pissed about that. But hey, he'd deserve it.

 

What I'd like is PROBABLY to see my dad not be around. My sister and I both have realized that whenever he is home, and he talks to either of us, it's about school or getting a job. Another thing is that nothing is ever good enough, which is pretty frustrating.

 

For example, I could see this happening, "Hey Dad, I got 3 A's and a B+ this semester!", and he'd just say, "Try getting all A's." He wouldn't even acknowledge the fact that that was the best semester I've had in my life.

[spriggig]

This is a long shot, but have you considered that your mom may be cheating too and doesn't want to rock the boat?

 

And/or she doesn't want to give up a comfortable lifestyle. Maybe they signed a pre-nup?

[OrdealByFire]

There is no pre-nup.

 

And I know she isn't cheating. She goes to work at 830, gets home at 6. She works at a bank. Any time she goes anywhere, it's shopping or out to eat, and I tend to go with her.

 

Really is impossible for her to be cheating.

[Trojan John]

I respect both of my parents too much to allow one of them to hurt the other, and I'll be damned if ANYONE hurts my mother. I would either tell her directly, tell my dad to be a man and speak up, or set up a situation where she "finds out on her own".

[Dexter Morgan]

...So should I tell her? And if so, how? My dad's a pretty big guy, and I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to murder us all if I let my mom know.

 

He is the type to be violent with everyone? Even his own kids?

 

Then I say do it. That is not a father.

 

If you really were being silly about that comment though, then its a tough call. I'd tell him that either he tells her, or you will either tell her yourself, or disown him and consider him dead to you.

[OrdealByFire]

I know he's capable of doing it and like I've said before, he has no patience, and a super short temper.

 

Maybe I should call Cheaters. Or Maury.

[torranceshipman]

I'm just at a community college right now. Once I transfer to a 'real' college - next year - I'll likely move to a dorm... or, I hopefully will.

 

I'm upset with him because he is a pretty terrible dad. I don't care to hang out with him, because I don't even really like him. He's rude, a cheapskate even though he's making at LEAST 200k a year, and I just don't get along with him. If we talk, it's about sports. If we go anywhere, it's some sporting event.

 

I am SO sorry to hear you have to put up with this sh*t, especially from a family member. I am a teacher and have worked with a lot of teenagers and I can see how this kicks their self esteem all over the place. I am usually in favor of absolute honesty but all I care about after reading this is that you put yourself first, get out of the house as soon as you can (with college next year, right?), and do not tell your mom, because I do not want to see you put yourself in the line of fire. You are the important one here - the adults in the situation are showing you weakness and hurting your self confidence, so you need to start thinking of yourself, working on yourself and your confidence, being around positive people, minimizing any chances for unpleasant situations within the home, etc, until you can get away.

 

Also your mom does already know but she is really in denial about this, so telling her wouldn't help so much...she knows and chooses to ignore (I know, it is hardly a great example to set you).

[torranceshipman]

Interesting. I have to tell you...I've just scanned back through your previous posts/threads, and I've found it very, very difficult to reconcile your age with your communication.

 

You use phrases and references that are 'too old' for you. Your communication style itself differs considerably from that of most normal 19 year olds as well...even well-educated ones. It's not a matter of smart...but simply the WAY that you communicate that doesn't seem to match your age.

 

Non-sequiter.

 

I have to say...I often see this in teens who have had a hard time - they sound like 40 yr olds sometimes, as they've had to deal with too much and have gotten used to it, have to be responsible, develop emotional intelligence and manage frustrations, etc, and end up sounding worn out like an adult, not a kid.

[karnak]

I have to say...I often see this in teens who have had a hard time - they sound like 40 yr olds sometimes, as they've had to deal with too much and have gotten used to it, have to be responsible, develop emotional intelligence and manage frustrations, etc, and end up sounding worn out like an adult, not a kid.

 

Yes, that is true. I've also known teens who are really responsible and sensible, whereas their own parents and brothers are loons or imbeciles.

 

OBF is either a Troll or a kid marked by a complicated upbringing.

[OrdealByFire]

For the last time, I'm not a 'troll.'

 

As far as a complicated upbringing, I'm not sure it really is complicated. My dad just cheats; is as simple, or as complicated as that. I got a lot of things I wanted when I was a kid and now regarding toys and attention. Well, recently attention not so much... I spent a lot of time around family... I don't know what happened.

 

On a random note, my mom has been pissing me off with her hypocrisy. She tells me "You sit around the house too often.", yet when I ask to go somewhere, like Detroit, which is a mere 45 minutes away, and I've been there too many times to count, she tells me I don't know the area well enough, and that I'd get lost.

 

Sorry if those paragraphs don't make too much sense... I'm currently watching TV.

[Corporate]

Sorry if those paragraphs don't make too much sense... I'm currently watching TV.

 

Where is your dad now? What or whom is he watching?

[OrdealByFire]

He's sleeping - quite EARLY I might add.

[Corporate]

He's sleeping - quite EARLY I might add.

 

He is sleeping without your mom?

 

Why is he so tired? What or whom did he do today?

[OrdealByFire]

He's ONLY sleeping with my mom because my sister moved back home from school until she can get a job... she graduated.

 

He used to sleep in my sister's bed because he has sleep apnea and refuses to wear his breathing mask thing. On a lot of nights though, my mom leaves the room and sleeps in the den.

 

I'm not sure what he did today. I never know.

 

But yeah... there are so many signs that he's cheating my mom ignores. Such obvious ones.

 

*Leaves for an hour*

"Where did you go?"

"I got gas."

 

Oh please.

 

Oh, and some more happy stories. There have been a few times where I've gotten in one of the cars to go somewhere after my dad drove it, and even though I don't KNOW the smell, it smells like sex.

 

Yeah. That's pretty %@#!ed up.

Edited July 28, 2010 by OrdealByFire

[Corporate]

 

*Leaves for an hour*

"Where did you go?"

"I got gas."

 

Oh please.

 

How would you feel if your dad got that black woman pregnant and you end up with a black bro?

[OrdealByFire]

Wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if he had a second family. I've got a strong feeling he has a second house as well.

 

He got a ... vasectomy in ... I don't know. 2001? And I wouldn't be shocked if the last time my parents had sex was at around that time. They are NEVER even together. They almost never sleep together either, as I said.

 

But yyeeaahh. He's definitely shacking up with some black girl, and he's been with at least two others.

[Corporate]

Wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if he had a second family. I've got a strong feeling he has a second house as well.

 

He got a ... vasectomy in ... I don't know. 2001? And I wouldn't be shocked if the last time my parents had sex was at around that time. They are NEVER even together. They almost never sleep together either, as I said.

 

But yyeeaahh. He's definitely shacking up with some black girl, and he's been with at least two others.

 

What does he look like? Ghettoish?

 

What does he do for a living?

[OrdealByFire]

Doesn't look ghettoish at all, but he looks 100% nothing like me.

 

He's an engineer something-or-other for Chrysler, and he's... up there. I know he makes a lot of money. When he tells my mom "I don't have the money for ____." She's in denial enough to believe it.

[Corporate]

Doesn't look ghettoish at all, but he looks 100% nothing like me.

 

He's an engineer something-or-other for Chrysler, and he's... up there. I know he makes a lot of money. When he tells my mom "I don't have the money for ____." She's in denial enough to believe it.

 

Why do you think he goes for black girls?

 

Does your mom have full access to his bank accounts? Is the house under her name too?