In need of some help

[celtic89]

I need help with a situation I’ve gotten myself into by not making a move on a girl when I should have and now I’m wondering how best to proceed. I hope that if I provide enough context with this story, you’ll be able to advise me:

I’m a 20 year old junior in a college on the East Coast; I’m pretty well liked and have a lot of good friends, but I’ve always had trouble progressing my relationships with girls for some reason. I had the hottest girlfriend in 5th grade before anyone else in my class (we lasted a couple months and never kissed), but I was probably in the middle-back of the pack of losing my virginity. I can’t figure out what it is that I do/not do that is preventing me from having more than a few random hookups in college. I’m a typical nice guy and am not aggressive as a lot of guys are with girls, and because I’m a little underweight I have always had confidence issues with that. I’m trying to work on this by aggressively trying to improve myself by lifting weights and thinking about different behaviors and strategies. I have no problem with girls platonically though which confuses me, as I have a lot of really close older hot girl-friends that I hang out with almost too much. One of them, we’ll call her Morgan, has been a close friend since I met her on the first day of class my first semester. This past semester we became really close and I started to think about us being more than friends. She has always adored me as in jokingly saying love you and leaving flirty Facebook posts, but that’s part of the way she acts to close friends. I didn’t let her know my thoughts and just tried to be more charming than usual. When she was taking a couple of classes at the end of the semester during May, her and I started talking to each other every single day either on Facebook for hours or texting. I went on a trip to see a friend and didn’t talk to her for two days and she pointed that out in a Facebook post. One night she was drinking and asked in a text if she could ask me a “weird” question, ended up being “Are we just friends?” I cautiously replied 20 minutes later saying that “recently I’ve felt really attracted to you but I also value our friendship a lot.” She replied and said “that’s funny because I feel the same way” and “we’ll see where this goes.” We began flirting a lot and calling each other every couple of days (she lives 3 hours away), and things were going really well. The only problem is that she has had a lot of boyfriends but isn’t a slut because they’ve been long relationships. She always mentions them and tells me things or stories and I’m far from interested and it’s a big turn off, but I haven’t said anything. She’s also seeing this guy but has told me (of course) how she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him, and he’s 6 years older. It's been weird for me knowing this and her telling me how one of her ex's keeps trying to hook up with her. I dont want to hear that or know that. She wanted to be in an “open-relationship” on Facebook as a joke, which we’re still “in” on Facebook. She also is always joking about marrying me and I play along with it and take it as a compliment. We planned for about two months for her to visit me and have dinner and then drive back to her apartment in our college town and drink and watch a movie. I’m not that much of a novice to understand what that almost certainly is expected to lead to. So the day finally came and she comes to my house and meets my Mom and Dad and we have a great dinner, and drive back to her place. At this point I was wishing for more flirty behavior but it still felt like nothing had really changed, since I’ve always made her laugh a lot. We settled down on her couch and began drinking and watching Forgetting Sarah Marshal, and by the end of the movie I still hadn’t made a move. It was getting late, and we watched this stand up routine while I desperately tried to think of what was happening. I moved a little closer but I still didn’t think it was a good enough time to make a move. We then prepared for bed and I was feeling very anxious at this point because I thought I would just fail and sleep on the couch, but she invited me to sleep in her bed. I still wasn’t feeling anything from her even though we were having a good time, so I figured she wanted to take it slow or that she just wanted to be friends, so I wasn’t about to make it awkward by making a move on her in bed. I just fell asleep after talking and when we woke up we sat in bed looking at things on her computer, and then we went to the apartment complexes’ pool and continued to have a great time. After lunch she dropped me off without so much of a word on the elephant in the room: why we hadn’t kissed yet. I was pretty depressed that day and thought I had failed miserably like so many other times. It’s like I’m fighting history at this point. She texts me later and says “can I ask you somethinggggg?” Of course. “So I take it from last night we are just going to be friends?” I froze and couldn’t believe it. I said “Is that a nice way of saying you think we should be friends?” She said “uh no. I’m just asking.” I said I felt like you weren’t feeling it last night so I didn’t do anything. She explained that she was surprised that I didn’t make a move when she offered for me to sleep in bed with her. Seems pretty logical retrospectively, but that’s nothing new. I stupidly said that I really had wanted to, worried this was the case, and if there would be another chance. She said “we’ll see what happens ; )” I didn’t reply but texted her later saying I think we had a good time together regardless. She got back to me today saying she didn’t have her phone last night, and that of course she thinks we did and asks how the rest of my day was. I ask her the same and she says she took a bike ride and went to a bar. The guy she’s been seeing is a big biker, as in motorcycles, so I don’t have to explain what probably went down. She said she’s flying to see a sick relative today so I said “have a nice flight and call me if you need to talk about anything.” She said “will do. thanks love.” Please help me make sense of all of this and offer differing opinions because I’m getting depressed continuously thinking about this catastrophe (or maybe not so much?) in my head. I feel like I just spent an entire summer growing close to her, and having a perfect setup to progress our relationship, only to ruin it by not acting. We have already signed up for a class together and planned to go all out this year on a Spring Break vacation and she wants me to go. She was talking about this spring break vacation the day after our "date." At this point, my emotions are running this and I can't see myself being content to just go back as friends, because I'm bitter about these things(privately/indirectly) and wouldn't be able to be around her. That means only one thing can succeed or fail, and I'm scared about the repercussions. I must win her over and keep her or else I'll look like a wuss or an *******(when I show no interest in her this year). Logically I know this is awful for me to toss away one of my most valuable college friendships just because of falling in love, but I can't debate with my emotions, they are what they are.

 

-Tom

Edited July 25, 2010 by celtic89
wrong title

[WTRanger]

I need help with a situation I’ve gotten myself into by not making a move on a girl when I should have and now I’m wondering how best to proceed. I hope that if I provide enough context with this story, you’ll be able to advise me:

 

I’m a 20 year old junior in a college on the East Coast; I’m pretty well liked and have a lot of good friends, but I’ve always had trouble progressing my relationships with girls for some reason. I had the hottest girlfriend in 5th grade before anyone else in my class (we lasted a couple months and never kissed), but I was probably in the middle-back of the pack of losing my virginity. I can’t figure out what it is that I do/not do that is preventing me from having more than a few random hookups in college.

 

I’m a typical nice guy and am not aggressive as a lot of guys are with girls, and because I’m a little underweight I have always had confidence issues with that. I’m trying to work on this by aggressively trying to improve myself by lifting weights and thinking about different behaviors and strategies. I have no problem with girls platonically though which confuses me, as I have a lot of really close older hot girl-friends that I hang out with almost too much.

 

One of them, we’ll call her Morgan, has been a close friend since I met her on the first day of class my first semester. This past semester we became really close and I started to think about us being more than friends. She has always adored me as in jokingly saying love you and leaving flirty Facebook posts, but that’s part of the way she acts to close friends. I didn’t let her know my thoughts and just tried to be more charming than usual. When she was taking a couple of classes at the end of the semester during May, her and I started talking to each other every single day either on Facebook for hours or texting.

 

I went on a trip to see a friend and didn’t talk to her for two days and she pointed that out in a Facebook post. One night she was drinking and asked in a text if she could ask me a “weird” question, ended up being “Are we just friends?” I cautiously replied 20 minutes later saying that “recently I’ve felt really attracted to you but I also value our friendship a lot.” She replied and said “that’s funny because I feel the same way” and “we’ll see where this goes.” We began flirting a lot and calling each other every couple of days (she lives 3 hours away), and things were going really well. The only problem is that she has had a lot of boyfriends but isn’t a slut because they’ve been long relationships. She always mentions them and tells me things or stories and I’m far from interested and it’s a big turn off, but I haven’t said anything. She’s also seeing this guy but has told me (of course) how she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him, and he’s 6 years older. It's been weird for me knowing this and her telling me how one of her ex's keeps trying to hook up with her.

 

I dont want to hear that or know that. She wanted to be in an “open-relationship” on Facebook as a joke, which we’re still “in” on Facebook. She also is always joking about marrying me and I play along with it and take it as a compliment. We planned for about two months for her to visit me and have dinner and then drive back to her apartment in our college town and drink and watch a movie. I’m not that much of a novice to understand what that almost certainly is expected to lead to. So the day finally came and she comes to my house and meets my Mom and Dad and we have a great dinner, and drive back to her place. At this point I was wishing for more flirty behavior but it still felt like nothing had really changed, since I’ve always made her laugh a lot. We settled down on her couch and began drinking and watching Forgetting Sarah Marshal, and by the end of the movie I still hadn’t made a move. It was getting late, and we watched this stand up routine while I desperately tried to think of what was happening. I moved a little closer but I still didn’t think it was a good enough time to make a move. We then prepared for bed and I was feeling very anxious at this point because I thought I would just fail and sleep on the couch, but she invited me to sleep in her bed.

 

I still wasn’t feeling anything from her even though we were having a good time, so I figured she wanted to take it slow or that she just wanted to be friends, so I wasn’t about to make it awkward by making a move on her in bed. I just fell asleep after talking and when we woke up we sat in bed looking at things on her computer, and then we went to the apartment complexes’ pool and continued to have a great time. After lunch she dropped me off without so much of a word on the elephant in the room: why we hadn’t kissed yet. I was pretty depressed that day and thought I had failed miserably like so many other times. It’s like I’m fighting history at this point. She texts me later and says “can I ask you somethinggggg?” Of course. “So I take it from last night we are just going to be friends?” I froze and couldn’t believe it. I said “Is that a nice way of saying you think we should be friends?” She said “uh no. I’m just asking.”

 

I said I felt like you weren’t feeling it last night so I didn’t do anything. She explained that she was surprised that I didn’t make a move when she offered for me to sleep in bed with her. Seems pretty logical retrospectively, but that’s nothing new. I stupidly said that I really had wanted to, worried this was the case, and if there would be another chance. She said “we’ll see what happens ; )” I didn’t reply but texted her later saying I think we had a good time together regardless. She got back to me today saying she didn’t have her phone last night, and that of course she thinks we did and asks how the rest of my day was. I ask her the same and she says she took a bike ride and went to a bar. The guy she’s been seeing is a big biker, as in motorcycles, so I don’t have to explain what probably went down. She said she’s flying to see a sick relative today so I said “have a nice flight and call me if you need to talk about anything.” She said “will do. thanks love.” Please help me make sense of all of this and offer differing opinions because I’m getting depressed continuously thinking about this catastrophe (or maybe not so much?) in my head.

 

I feel like I just spent an entire summer growing close to her, and having a perfect setup to progress our relationship, only to ruin it by not acting. We have already signed up for a class together and planned to go all out this year on a Spring Break vacation and she wants me to go. She was talking about this spring break vacation the day after our "date." At this point, my emotions are running this and I can't see myself being content to just go back as friends, because I'm bitter about these things(privately/indirectly) and wouldn't be able to be around her. That means only one thing can succeed or fail, and I'm scared about the repercussions. I must win her over and keep her or else I'll look like a wuss or an *******(when I show no interest in her this year).

 

Logically I know this is awful for me to toss away one of my most valuable college friendships just because of falling in love, but I can't debate with my emotions, they are what they are.

 

-Tom

 

Bro, we'd like to help but none of us are going to even attempt to wade through that sea of text you put above. There's these neat things, perhaps you've heard of them, called paragraphs. Might I suggest you try using them from now on? I've taken the liberty to edit your post so it's not so horridly put together.

 

This isn't rocket science. If you like a girl, tell her. Or better yet, show her by asking her on a real date or for God's sakes doing something if she offers you to sleep in her bed with her. Once you start thinking about things, you've already failed. Using your dick as a guide isn't such a bad thing from time to time. I bet I could hear your manhood crying all the way to where I am when you slept next to her and didn't try anything. She's going to go after biker guy because he'd not simply sleep next to her. He'd show real interest in her.

 

At this point, you've all but lost with her. How can she see you as a man? At best, you are a girlfriend with a penis. Look, we all don't want to experience the, "What the F- are you doing?" moment when making a move on a girl. But if you do get that, you'll live. At least you know EXACTLY where you stand. You cannot be afraid of that. Just go for it. Stop thinking so much and drop the "nice guy" schtick. That doesn't work.