I really need some guidance

[guidance2011]

Hi,

 

My situation is quite complicated. Let me explain...

 

My wife and i got married really young (early 20's) and made a sudden life altering decision to move to another country from Canada. The reason for the move was so i can take on a career at my family run business. The country were in is very westernised (Dubai).

 

The problem is this...my wife has been suffering from mental illness for most of her life. Shes had a rough childhood and a rebellious teenhood. She's since found her way, got treated for depression/mood swings and thats when we met and the relationship began to prosper. When we moved away from our home country, shes been struggling to do something with her life. She is unable to maintain her studies (for example), or stick to her social network over here. Might i add that she had the same struggles back at home. She then also had trouble sticking to anything.

 

About a year and 9 months ago, my wife got pregnant with our only child. She decided to get off her medication for mood swings and depression (please note that before she got off her meds, her depression/mood swings were still really bad). Since getting off her meds she's actually been a lot better. However, after the birth, things went sour too quick (it doesnt seem like its postpardum). In order for us to cope, i've been taking the blame for everything in the relationship. Its given her some sort of power over me. I find myself unable to express my emotions because i fear she's going to get mad, pick up and leave with my Daughter back to our home country.

 

That is becoming my biggest fear. She's showing signs of Borderline Personality Disorder...even though she hasent been diagnosed with it, shes showing all the signs of it. Problem is with BPD's is that they dont like to be told that anything is wrong with them, so when we saw a psychiatrist here, and he tried to get her back on meds, she freaked out and told him he didnt know how to do his job.

 

The guidance i guess im looking for is this: What do u do if your spouse has signs of a mental illness like BPD and you cant get them to recognise they need help. Everything is my fault, all our fights, all our struggles. I cant speak to my father without having her litterally freak out and make a big fuss about it. She monitors my every move....

 

for example...we got in a huge fight (she screamed more than i ever remember her doing before) just because i called my father while she was driving somewhere (i was sitting next to her in the car) and the conversation turned work-related (afterall my dad is my boss). It was 8:20pm and she thought it was unreasonable that my father was discussing work during 'family hours'. She wants me to enforce borders with him which is understandable, but i find it not a big deal if we mention something to do with work for 2 mins at 8pm...i dont see the big deal...i feel really controlled.

 

Again, my biggest fear i must admit is losing my daughter. I live, have part ownership of a company, and work in another country, and if she decides to move away because im not under her control, she can take off and take my daughter away from me. As you can probably tell, the bond i have with my one yr old daughter is extremely strong.

 

How do i overcome the fear of losing my daughter if my relationship with my wife is difficult to resolve? i can move back home but i dont have a job back home, and i'd be walking away from my own business which is giving us a once in a lifetime opportunity to do so much with our lives. Helpp!

[jsa100100]

First thing, you really need to protect your daughter from your wife. If she is mentally ill and refuses to take medication, she can be a danger to herself and others. So again, please protect your daughter. This should be your first priority and do whatever it takes.

 

It seems like you need to try to communicate with your wife and figure out if you can get her into a better state somehow...probably with meds. If she refuses you must be strong enough to pursue legal action and separate to make sure she doesn't run away with her. She may have bad days or good days but mental illness will never cure itself...don't fool yourself into thinking that patience and hope will make everything better. Take swift action!