Friends with benefits, sorta.

[thisisrightnow]

So I've been friends with this guy for a little over a month now. I met him while I was with my boyfriend (we broke up a week ago), and we hung out a few times. Well right after me and my boyfriend broke up, he was wanting to hang out with me more. I had seen him 3 times in a span of like 5 days. Do stuff like cook, play video games, watch movies - never had sex though. I made it clear to him I don't have sex unless I'm in a relationship and he totally respected that. He made a move on me a few nights ago. I thought it was nice. We kissed, cuddled, watched movies. He wanted me to stay the night that night, so I did. I honestly felt like he liked me. He told me he had wanted to kiss me since the first time I came over like a month prior. We were laying around and he was going through my phone (I don't care, had nothing to hide) and deleted pictures of me and my ex-boyfriend.

 

One night we were lying in bed and I said something about how one time we were texting he asked why me and my boyfriend at the time didn't just move in together, and I told him cause it was too soon. My friend said the only reason he made that statement was to see how serious things were between my boyfriend and me. Well last night me and him were lying in bed and we got to talking and he said he doesn't know what he wants right now and isn't really looking for anything. And said how he is scared to commit to anything and afraid to get his heart broken cause he was with his ex-wife for 5 years and married for 3, though he does regret marrying her; he just felt pressured and like it was something they were supposed to do. Which I understand that argument clearly. Though he did admit he loves what we have -- the physical relationship and just being able to talk. he admitted before that he feels like he's able to express himself to me like he couldn't even with his ex-wife. Whether that line was balogney, I don't know. By the way, he's been split from his ex-wife for about 7-8 months now, but the divorce was just finalized about 3 weeks ago.

 

My question is.. if he doesn't want to be with me, then why did he care about something so minor such as if my ex-boyfriend and I were serious about our relationship or made an effort to go through my phone and delete pictures of him. He tried to delete his (ex bf's) number, but I took my phone away. I don't understand guys and this whole "I don't want to be with you but I don't want anyone else to either". But don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy -- he just thinks he has some issues to sort out before he can get into another relationship. I did also mention that I'm not looking to jump into anything either since I'm still not over my ex since it's only been a week.

Edited July 27, 2010 by thisisrightnow

[Feelin Frisky]

Well, frankly I think he has some pair of balls to go deleting anything on your technology. I would kinda think that maybe that might be something he could ask you to do if you had crossed enough time and established that perhaps the nature of your relationship might be getting more directional towards being committed to each other. To give the guy the benefit of the doubt perhaps he likes you more than he's letting on but acting a bit neurotic by trying to erase portions of your life he doesn't particularly like. It's a tad weird.

 

I have photos--real prints and not files--of several girls I either had some dates with or some longer term relationships with. I don't look at them, they just sit in a box with a lot of other photos that represent my past. There no chance I'm going to look any of the ladies up and see what they are up to now. To me this was times of my life that are mine that I innocently documented when they were happening. I wouldn't take to being pressured to destroy these photos or explain them. They're just days in a life that doesn't exist in the same way anymore. So if my new acquaintance or potential love interest or whatever shows me any kind of sense of self entitlement to own me and destroy my memories, I would not take that as anything but a bad sign--not yet a deal breaker but something I'd have to see how they reacted to once I told them to get f*ucked or let's build a bon fire and both burn evidence of our previous existences.

[thisisrightnow]

Yeah, the erasing of the pictures is a bit weird to me, but it's even weirder to me why he was so concerned about the seriousness of my last relationship if he wasn't going to date me.

[O'Malley]

he said he doesn't know what he wants right now and isn't really looking for anything. And said how he is scared to commit to anything and afraid to get his heart broken cause he was with his ex-wife for 5 years and married for 3, though he does regret marrying her; he just felt pressured and like it was something they were supposed to do. Which I understand that argument clearly. Though he did admit he loves what we have -- the physical relationship and just being able to talk.

 

He enjoys the boyfriend benefits --- affection, deep discussions, the possibility of further sexual intimacy -- without the worry of having to commit or be monogamous. Not that it sounds like you're ready to get involved seriously so soon with anyone, but keep in mind that this guy is definitely not going to be relationship material for a long time.

 

Yeah, the erasing of the pictures is a bit weird to me, but it's even weirder to me why he was so concerned about the seriousness of my last relationship if he wasn't going to date me.

Because even though he doesn't want to commit to anything serious with you, he enjoys the time he spends with you and he doesn't want to lose that -- which, in reality, he will when you decide to start dating again (either your ex or other men). He also knows you will likely back off from this situation if he makes it clear that he's not interested in dating you at all.

 

He isn't necessarily being manipulative or evil (though it was extremely presumptuous of him to delete information from your phone) but it seems as though you're starting to look for potential in him. Potential that unfortunately is not there.

[thisisrightnow]

I wouldn't be opposed to just a physical relationship (minus the sex) with him and being able to have someone to talk to, but I'm just afraid that if I do keep up on that then I'm going to get so emotionally attached and am more likely to get myself hurt in the process, whether it was intentional or not. Which I did express that concern to him. I can't handle another heartbreak right now. Being with him was nice for those couple days cause it allowed me to get my ex off my mind, but at the same time I felt like things were progressing with this guy and it seemed like he wanted the same thing I did, though I should had known with his divorce being so recent that he probably wasn't in the right frame of mind. I do think the physical aspect definitely complicated things.

 

I was content with the friendship we had of just hanging out, playing video games, have light hearted and serious conversations with each other. Like he would open up to me about his relationship with his ex-wife and I would talk to him about the break up with my boyfriend. Then he kissed me and it sent my mind into a whirlwind. I would like to keep a friendship up with this guy, but I don't know if that's something he can handle right now. I feel like my "serious" talk kind of scared him off. We texted a few times back and forth yesterday, but it was nothing like our normal. I haven't talked to him since yesterday afternoon. I did delete him from my phone so I wouldn't be inclined to text him. So it's all on his plate now. If he texts me then great. If not, oh well.

[thisisrightnow]

So after two weeks of not hearing from this guy, he finally texts me tonight. He goes, "Hey.. still mad at me?" I was the last one to text him that day after I had left his house. We texted a few times throughout the day while we were at work, which is normal, but it wasn't as frequent as it had been in the past. We sent probably 3 or 4 texts back and forth, which was pretty abnormal. He never texted me again until tonight, and I didn't bother to text him cause I figured if he wanted to keep in contact he would. And I'm not someone that likes to keep pestering someone, especially if I get the feeling they don't want to talk to me. I texted him back and said, "No.. why would I be?" In all honesty, after not hearing from him for two weeks, I didn't think he would contact me given our conversation on everything. I figured he would think that would be his cue to kinda take the back exit and slip out. I know some guys are notorious for running scared when girls talk about commitment and what not. Any thoughts as to why he would contact me after a few weeks? I would think he could just go find someone else if all he wanted to do was be physical with someone, especially knowing my thoughts/feelings on the situation. I even told him being purely physical with him without any sort of commitment wouldn't fly with me since I was scared of getting attached and I would just get hurt. My thoughts are either he was bored or he waited that long cause he wanted to give me time to "cool down" since he thinks I was mad, which I wasn't. I do know some guys like to give girls space. I've been "involved" with guys in the past like this, except they never bothered to talk to me again since I never tried to contact them after. So it was a surprise when he texted me.

Edited August 10, 2010 by thisisrightnow

[kasadit]

You admit your attraction for each other, but promise (complain) that you can never act on it. You fantasize what it would be like to be with this person. This helps to create a pretend world where everything would be wonderful if the two of you could just be together.

 

One of the most overlooked and dangerous facts about emotional affairs is that we are all vulnerable. If you believe that this fact does not apply to you, then you are even more vulnerable than everyone else.

[thisisrightnow]

I'm not sure what you're getting at exactly. "Emotional affairs"? Neither of us is with anyone, so..

[thisisrightnow]

So things are turning around with this guy in a way that I never thought would happen. Even when we started talking again I made peace with the fact that he wouldn't be ready for a relationship for some time. We hung out Tuesday at my house, and then yesterday he texted me and asked me if I had plans that night, I told him no. He asked if I wanted to come over and I asked what we'd do. He said, "I'd like to talk.." Right then and there I knew what he wanted to talk about. He wouldn't ask me to drive 30 minutes to just shoot the ****.

 

So I asked him why he waited two weeks to talk to me again. He said he felt bad about what he did, feeling like he was leading me on. He said he thought I wanted the same thing as him at the time (just a casual flirting sort of relationship). He also said he didn't contact me cause he didn't hear from me, so he thought I was mad at him and I didn't think he was gonna talk to me, so I didn't bother. Then he revealed to me that when we went those two weeks without talking he had talked to a few girls from the dating site and had met one of them and he said none of them compared to me. He admitted to unintentionally comparing these girls to me. He said most of them were boring and just not awesome like me. He said he feels like he can actually be himself around me and not try and be someone else, and I can do the same, and we can have conversations about anything for the longest time. So I asked what he was hoping or thinking would happen when I came over. He said he was hoping I would come over with an open mind so he could explain everything.

 

I asked him what made him change his mind so quick and he said in his eyes it wasn't quick. Since it took him about 7 or 8 months to get that mindset. He said he didn't know why he was on the dating site looking for something on there when I was right there all along. He said he wanted to try and build a relationship with me and said he is looking for a girlfriend now. And it took us not talking for those few weeks for him to realize there was actually something going on between us.