She hurts me and she needs me

[Clumsy]

Hi,

Like most newbies here, I've come for an advice. Just another banality: we've separated. We were not a usual couple, though, in some ways...

 

I'm 35. She's 45. It was not the problem. It was my first family and her second. She had two sons. It was not the problem, even though the elder boy was only 12 years younger than me. We had six happy (more or less) years. We were not married, but it was just another usual family in all senses.

 

My wife is jealous. She had no reasons, but how would she know? So, it was one source of quarrels. The second was that she needed more attention and care than I could give. Yes, I sometimes worked overtime (and, remember, there are girls at work!). I read too much. I didn't spend enough time with her. From my viewpoint, it was a calm family life, a bit dull, maybe, but comforting. From her side it looked more like indifference. Probably, in quarrels she attempted to attract my attention. She could, for example, rudely reject the birthday presents because it was not exactly what she wanted. It hurts, you know. Sometime, about twice or thrice a year she drove my out of home. Anyway, I never (literally) insulted her. I never (almost literally) raised my voice. She did, but I was patient.

 

A year ago our elder son died. I don't have to explain how difficult it was for both of us, especially for her. She's strong, but she's changed, of course. During this year I learnt her other sides. I learnt that she can shout at me in the street, that she can come with me to my work at week-end (I had to check the equipment) and search the tables of my female colleagues, that in an outbreak of jealousy she can be violent. It was so painful that two months ago I said that I can't bear it anymore and left.

 

We meet. We talk on neutral topics. We go skiing together. And I know she needs me. Today, she called me and said that she feels lonely and depressive. I know that I have to come back, I must come back. I feel I'm a rogue. But I don't want to go through all that again. Should I?

 

Thank you all.

 

P.S.: We live in Russia, but I don't think it makes any difference... In some curious way, it's easier for me to express my feelings in English, that's why I'm here.

[NEONINK]

I'm guessing, but she is dealing with grief and anger. Two very big emotions.

 

You are the receipient of those overwhelming feelings and emotions perhaps?

 

She must, and I repeat must, get some grief counseling. It will save your sanity. If you have been patient, maybe it is time to set some boundary that she get help. Ask her to see this is normal, afterall we are only human with tender hearts. She's been hurt, it's okay to feel pain. It will not last forever.

 

I hope you love each other. If not, then you can consider severing your ties.

 

ps. Feeling grief and sadness is ok. God gave those emotions to heal our hearts from hurt. When you ignore those feelings they turn into depression, which can fuel rage.

[SoleMate]

I'm glad you came, we would love to help.

 

As Neonink mentioned, grief is powerful and can make you seem crazy. I get the impression from you that you and your wife are both two unhappy, lonely people who don't know how to meet each other's needs. And yet if you could learn this skill, you would both be so much happier. You both need to really listen.

 

Do you have access to English-language books? If so, I strongly recommend Love Is Never Enough, by Aaron Beck, a noted practitioner of cognitive behavioral therapy. It gives you practical advice on how to meet each other's needs better, and stop hurting each other. Also please try <URL removed> to rebuild some of the good things that brought you two together in the first place.

 

She wants: Attention, the feeling of being cared for, distraction from her grief at losing her son.

 

You want: A peaceful family life, with no fighting or ugly scenes.

 

You deserve much praise for being patient with your wife's outbursts and jealousy.

 

Bottom line: You don't HAVE to go back. And in fact, unless there are major changes, I would recommend against it. Is your wife willing to acknowledge that both of you need to work on being kinder and more caring, and giving the other what she/he needs? Then it's worth a try. But if it is just more of the same, then it's a bad idea, in my opinion.