A huge mess

[noelle303]

Hi everyone,

I'm really glad I found this forum 'cause I've been involved with a married man for the past 5 months. I'm 20 years old, a full time student and part time I work in administration of a small financial company.

 

He is 30, married for the past 5 years with two small boys. We first met in January through work, when his firm became a client for the company I work for.

He first came in to the office and we immediately hit it off, I liked him. He started coming in quite a bit, for this and that some of the stuff you could see were just excuses. The we were at this dinner party that was thrown and we basicly spend the whole night hanging out and yes, flirting. That night as we were talking he mentioned his wife. And we spend some 5 minutes talking about her and his boys. And then we were back to flirting. I know... not my finest moment. I don't know.... I guess I shoiuld have seen a big red light that moment he mentioned her but I didn't. It struck me a bit but not in a ''BIG NO NO'' kind of way.

We met up for coffee two days later and ended up staying until really really late...

The whole thing snowballed from there.

It was exciting, even fun.... We rarely talked about his wife... I didn't ask, he didn't say, only the few things he said didn't indicate that he was very happy with her.

So we were having fun, I had no expectations, I had just come out of a long-ish relationship and liked being free. I liked sneaking around (even at his house) I have to shamefully admit.

 

But slowly feelings got too involved maybe, at my 20th birthday bash ( btw. all my friends know about him and he goes to my apartment I share with my friend) he said he thinks he is in love with me, and I was tipsy and said the same... the thing is I did start to love him.

 

So then some bickering started to ensue, a little sting when he wouldn't be able to see me, I would spitefully get with someone else (not have sex with them!), he would get jelaous etc. etc.

 

And so we come to the mess part of it all ( oh yes)

 

Three days ago I found out I am pregnant. I was in the middle of replacing the patch with the pill because it was summer and I was to see my parents. And I must've got caught.

 

The thing is, the two of us haven't spoken in a week cause we got into a spat cause I was bitchy and hormonal ( and now I know why) and when he left I decided not to call him back out of spite.

 

So three days ago I was with my friends and we were buying pregnancy tests, they said to wait until morning and I told them I will. Ofcourse I didn't. I immediately took all three and they were positive. That night (still without telling them) we went out and I got drunk, ended up calling him at his house phone cause he wasn't answering his cell. His wife answered. I hung up. It was really horrible.

 

He called me several times since then and I didn't answer. I have no idea what to do. Whether to keep the baby, whether to even tell him. I can't face him at all... Do I even bother telling him before I decide what I want to do?

 

This has been such a slap in the face against all that fun we were having. It completely sobered me up.

 

Did anyone ever have a child concieved in an affair? Any experiences with that?

 

Thank you if you stuck by till the end.

[OWoman]

Hi everyone,

I'm really glad I found this forum 'cause I've been involved with a married man for the past 5 months. I'm 20 years old, a full time student and part time I work in administration of a small financial company.

 

He is 30, married for the past 5 years with two small boys. We first met in January through work, when his firm became a client for the company I work for.

He first came in to the office and we immediately hit it off, I liked him. He started coming in quite a bit, for this and that some of the stuff you could see were just excuses. The we were at this dinner party that was thrown and we basicly spend the whole night hanging out and yes, flirting. That night as we were talking he mentioned his wife. And we spend some 5 minutes talking about her and his boys. And then we were back to flirting. I know... not my finest moment. I don't know.... I guess I shoiuld have seen a big red light that moment he mentioned her but I didn't. It struck me a bit but not in a ''BIG NO NO'' kind of way.

We met up for coffee two days later and ended up staying until really really late...

The whole thing snowballed from there.

It was exciting, even fun.... We rarely talked about his wife... I didn't ask, he didn't say, only the few things he said didn't indicate that he was very happy with her.

So we were having fun, I had no expectations, I had just come out of a long-ish relationship and liked being free. I liked sneaking around (even at his house) I have to shamefully admit.

 

But slowly feelings got too involved maybe, at my 20th birthday bash ( btw. all my friends know about him and he goes to my apartment I share with my friend) he said he thinks he is in love with me, and I was tipsy and said the same... the thing is I did start to love him.

 

So then some bickering started to ensue, a little sting when he wouldn't be able to see me, I would spitefully get with someone else (not have sex with them!), he would get jelaous etc. etc.

 

And so we come to the mess part of it all ( oh yes)

 

Three days ago I found out I am pregnant. I was in the middle of replacing the patch with the pill because it was summer and I was to see my parents. And I must've got caught.

 

The thing is, the two of us haven't spoken in a week cause we got into a spat cause I was bitchy and hormonal ( and now I know why) and when he left I decided not to call him back out of spite.

 

So three days ago I was with my friends and we were buying pregnancy tests, they said to wait until morning and I told them I will. Ofcourse I didn't. I immediately took all three and they were positive. That night (still without telling them) we went out and I got drunk, ended up calling him at his house phone cause he wasn't answering his cell. His wife answered. I hung up. It was really horrible.

 

He called me several times since then and I didn't answer. I have no idea what to do. Whether to keep the baby, whether to even tell him. I can't face him at all... Do I even bother telling him before I decide what I want to do?

 

This has been such a slap in the face against all that fun we were having. It completely sobered me up.

 

Did anyone ever have a child concieved in an affair? Any experiences with that?

 

Thank you if you stuck by till the end.

 

Welcome, Noelle!

 

You might find Skylarblue's threads useful - she was also having a "fun" A with an older MM that got interrupted by an unplanned pregnancy.

 

Do a search on her username, and look for "threads started by".

 

Hang in there!

[CrayonAngel]

This happened to my best friend a few years back. It took her some time but she is finally on track. She went through so much after she aborted the baby but she has moved out of state now and seems to be doing well.

 

If you are pregnant please don't get your hopes up in thinking he is going to be there for you..he most likely won't be. He is married and has small children, and obviously likes to run around. Don't become his wife...because you will be the one he is running around on.

 

Weigh your options. Are you financially stable enough to do this on your own?

 

Since you were sleeping with other people, do you know which one is the father?

 

If you do end up having the baby, are you willing to except the fact that you might be doing it all alone?

 

I wish you luck and I hope you learn from this...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

PLEASE do not drink or smoke if you are pregnant. If you are not mature enough to do what's best for the baby npow, then you are not mature enough to be a mother.

[noelle303]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Ok, I wasn't sleeping with other people, I clarified in my OP. He is definitely the father 100 %, otherwise it is immaculate conception.

 

And yes, I know it wasn't exactly the wisest thing to drink the same day I found out I was pregnant but I was upset and anxious and didn't quite know how to deal with it. You can not fathom what a blow this was (and still is) for me.

 

I don't know if I could cope on my own tbh.

 

Maybe thats why I should tell him? To see whether he would be on board if I do decide to keep it?

But what if I tell him and create just even a bigger mess when I can solve the problem quitely?

[YellowShark]

Three BIG mistakes you made.

 

1) Having an affair with a MARRIED man.

 

2) Having UNPROTECTED SEX with a MARRIED man.

 

3) Trusting a man who CHEATS on his wife and is ok with unprotected sex.

 

Sadly now you are left alone, pregnant, and holding the bag. That's really really sad. IMHO he's not going to leave his wife for you, he's not going to take the pregnancy news well at all.

 

Let this be a lesson for all women who think having an affair with married men is acceptable behaviour.

[noelle303]

Oh I thought that this being the OW/OM board there is a little less judgment.

 

Clearly, it was morally not my finest moment but I could not have predicted this in a million years, I couldn't have known that this is gonna be the end result. I thought I was having fun with someone I liked a lot, my agenda was not to mess things up.

And I did not have unprotected sex, I was on birth control.

[CrayonAngel]

Birth control isn't PROTECTION from STD's. Yes, its supposed to prevent pregnancy. BUT it does not stop him from giving you life threatening diseases like AIDS. Didn't they teach you this in school?

 

I'm not judging you. so don't get all defensive here..we are not going to sit around a campfire singing kumbya on this subject.

[noelle303]

I actually wasn't suggesting you were judging me, I thought your replay was helpful. I was talking about YellowShark's post.

 

Yeah, I know condoms were to be used but I didn't believe this man to have AIDS or anything and I was on birth control for a loooong time and it always protected me from pregnancy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ohh... man, I just saw this thread from your other one.

 

I got pregnant with my first child when I was on Ortho Novum 777 bc pills (I had taken a strong course of antibiotics and it apparently rendered them useless) - so yes, pregnancy can happen on the pill.

 

It worries me about the alcohol thing. Alcohol can be a tricky thing with pregnancy - some women can drink and it won't have an effect and others can tie on one in just a single night and end up with a FAS baby.

 

Go ahead and make that appointment with your ObGyn, ASAP.

 

One thing at a time - focus on you and the pregnancy for now. You will want to talk to someone at your ObGyn about your situation, because someone is going to have to help you pay those bills, or at the very least have the office set you up on a payment plan for your visits.

 

At no time should you expect your MM to be helpful or excited in this situation - you literally cannot count on him right now. If he were to man up and do the right thing by you that would be rare. It seems a good deal of MM want to hide it and pay you under the table (and even then you won't get what is fair or right for your child) if you won't agree to the abortion they will nearly invariably beg you to get.

 

There is at least a 99% chance you are going to be doing this all on your own, from prenatal to birth to raising the child, and you will want to gather a support system of good reliable friends and family around you to help.

 

If you aren't prepared to handle all of this on your own without his help or support, you may want to consider other options for yourself.

[lolapalooza]

A man who would rather be out screwing a virtual teenager than be at home with his toddlers is not a man of much character. Don't expect any support from him.

[noelle303]

Ohh... man, I just saw this thread from your other one.

 

I got pregnant with my first child when I was on Ortho Novum 777 bc pills (I had taken a strong course of antibiotics and it apparently rendered them useless) - so yes, pregnancy can happen on the pill.

 

It worries me about the alcohol thing. Alcohol can be a tricky thing with pregnancy - some women can drink and it won't have an effect and others can tie on one in just a single night and end up with a FAS baby.

 

Go ahead and make that appointment with your ObGyn, ASAP.

 

One thing at a time - focus on you and the pregnancy for now. You will want to talk to someone at your ObGyn about your situation, because someone is going to have to help you pay those bills, or at the very least have the office set you up on a payment plan for your visits.

 

At no time should you expect your MM to be helpful or excited in this situation - you literally cannot count on him right now. If he were to man up and do the right thing by you that would be rare. It seems a good deal of MM want to hide it and pay you under the table (and even then you won't get what is fair or right for your child) if you won't agree to the abortion they will nearly invariably beg you to get.

 

There is at least a 99% chance you are going to be doing this all on your own, from prenatal to birth to raising the child, and you will want to gather a support system of good reliable friends and family around you to help.

 

If you aren't prepared to handle all of this on your own without his help or support, you may want to consider other options for yourself.

 

 

 

Thanks. Yeah, the drinking thing was dumb... I was in such horror that I was denying myself that I was pregnant.

I now only added more worrying to the table with the possible consequences of this.

 

I don't know whether I can do this on my own tbh. This is a lifelong commitment that I don't think I'm ready for. It makes me panic just thinking about it.

 

I don't know whether to tell him before deciding anything...

 

 

EDA: In regards to birth control and condoms... I guess it's too late now for the ''could've, would've, should've''

[YellowShark]

Oh I thought that this being the OW/OM board there is a little less judgment.

 

Call it tough love rather than "judgement." ok?

 

Clearly, it was morally not my finest moment but I could not have predicted this in a million years, I couldn't have known that this is gonna be the end result.

 

You played with fire and got burnt. From now on, for the rest of your life, you should look at cheating married men as "off limits." That will save you a truck-load of heartache.

 

I thought I was having fun with someone I liked a lot, my agenda was not to mess things up.

 

I am sad that you are now pregnant and alone. It's horrible for you. Sure the sex part was fun... but the pain it has caused is not.

 

And I did not have unprotected sex, I was on birth control.

Birth control isn't PROTECTION from STD's.

 

Exactly.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Check with student health care services for counseling options and talk to your parents, especially if you are still financially dependent on them.

 

Consequences are seldom compassionate. Having a child means ALWAYS putting their interest first, no matter how you feel. I understand that must be hard as you are still a child yourself, consider this while making a decision.

 

Get some help from an adult that you can trust, and if you tell MM make sure he knows that others are aware of the situation.

[noelle303]

Call it tough love rather than "judgement." ok?

 

 

 

 

 

I am sad that you are now pregnant and alone. It's horrible for you. Sure the sex part was fun... but the pain it has caused is not.

 

 

Yeah, too bad I didn't see the pain in my crystal ball.

 

And yes, it was unprotected sex from STDs. But I don't have STDs... I was protecting myself from pregnancy. And that is what has failed.

[noelle303]

Check with student health care services for counseling options and talk to your parents, especially if you are still financially dependent on them.

 

Consequences are seldom compassionate. Having a child means ALWAYS putting their interest first, no matter how you feel. I understand that must be hard as you are still a child yourself, consider this while making a decision.

 

Get some help from an adult that you can trust, and if you tell MM make sure he knows that others are aware of the situation.

 

Why do you say that?

 

Thanks, I'm not dependent on my parents but if I have a child I surely would be... I have no idea where to even start.

 

 

ETA: I mean, he knows others are aware, he met my friends and was at my birthday in March.

[YellowShark]

Yeah, too bad I didn't see the pain in my crystal ball.

 

You are projecting you anger towards me instead of towards the married man who has gotten you pregnant. Look at what happened to Tiger Woods, Jesse James, etc, recently in the news. They are the barometer for you to see why cheating married men are nothing but trouble.

 

And yes, it was unprotected sex from STDs. But I don't have STDs... I was protecting myself from pregnancy. And that is what has failed.

 

I am not your enemy. Perhaps there was someone before you Noelle. In cases when you get mixed up with cheating married men there usually is someone before you. So you can never ever be sure that the cheating married man was only cheating with you. Plus oral contraceptives have a 8-10% chance of failure, sadly you are in that category now.

 

http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/birthcontrol/a/effectivenessbc.htm

 

http://www.contracept.org/risks.php

[BellaBellaBella]

Noelle, adoption is an option as well.

[torranceshipman]

Three BIG mistakes you made.

 

1) Having an affair with a MARRIED man.

 

2) Having UNPROTECTED SEX with a MARRIED man.

 

3) Trusting a man who CHEATS on his wife and is ok with unprotected sex.

 

Sadly now you are left alone, pregnant, and holding the bag. That's really really sad. IMHO he's not going to leave his wife for you, he's not going to take the pregnancy news well at all.

 

Let this be a lesson for all women who think having an affair with married men is acceptable behaviour.

 

This is a 20 yr old girl, lost pregnant and alone, lied to by an older guy who should know better, and this is all you can say? Can you say schadenfreude? Really not nice. She's barely more than a kid (sorry OP I don't mean that in a negative way). She was perfect bait for this guy - when she is older and wiser she will never fall for the type of crap that this guy pulled but until then why can't we all be a bit understanding and help her?

 

Sweetie, please don't rely on him at all - and steel yourself for him throwing you under a bus and not doing the right thing if/when you tell him. He is not a stand up guy and might create problems for you, but if you want this child then you will rise to the challenge, I am sure. I just don't want you to have a romantic idea that he will be there for you - don't hold out any hope of that as he will let you down and you don't need any more bad surprises right now. Keep posting and tell us how you are and good luck-keep your head up.

[noreply110]

YellowShark we get it. She was dumb for sleeping with a mm, and was even dumber for using faulty birth control. She has admitted both, and is looking for support. Tough love is one thing, going on and on about how she screwed up to prove your point is another. And for the record, I am a BS.

 

OP, you are on a time frame. Separate your relationship with this MM from this pregancy, and assume that at this point, you are in this alone- decision-wise. You have a couple decisions to make. Figure out what you need to do for yourself, then handle that decision, wether it be keep the baby or not. Take some time alone and figure it out. But again, you are on a time frame.

 

Nothing about this is positive. Its what you do from here that matters, including in regards to your MM. Good Luck.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What I mean Noelle is that if you tell him then it may threaten to upset his home life and we don't know how he may act to that.

 

If your parents would have to help you raise a child (financially) and that is your choice then they need to be made aware.

 

Adoption is also a choice BUT it means YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF for the babies sake.

 

PLEASE make an appt today to see a couselor to help you make the BEST decision for yourself. The school has counselors who you can bet have seen this type of situation before. They will also know about services you might be eligable for as well.

 

DO THAT NOW!

[herenow]

This is a 20 yr old girl, lost pregnant and alone, lied to by an older guy who should know better, and this is all you can say?

 

Yes, she is a 20 year old girl who was old enough to make the choice to have sex with a MM. I guess I missed the part where he lied to her. Can you please show me where that is before I make anymore comments? If she was lied to, it changes the dynamic so I really want to know. Thank you.

[pureinheart]

Noelle, adoption is an option as well.

 

 

I was adopted, and just thank God abortion wasn't an option at that time. There are so many people out there that can't have kids that want them.

 

I would seriously advise not having an abortion...and as for the drinking...well...babies are VERY sturdy. While it's best not to do anything mind altering or smoking cigs if it does happen before the mother knows she's pregnant, it usually doesn't do harm.

 

I can't even begin to tell you what I did even when I knew I was pregnant...certain things back in those days were not discussed...before the WWW, information was not as accessible as easily.

 

What do you want, forget MM, forget everything else....what is it that you want.

Edited July 27, 2010 by pureinheart

[jj33]

Noelle my response is going to be HUGELY unpopular on a forum where God is invoked every other minute and with no disrespect to PIH and others who were adopted but

 

IMHO (Ill say it again) IMHO you would be crazy to have this child.

 

You made a mistake. You got sucked in by a sleezy guy.

 

Are you going to give up your education, give up your youth to raise a child (sweet and innocent and wonderful as it may be) who was fathered by this sleezebag.

 

Abortion is still legal in the US. Take advantage of that right and dont look back.

 

If you decide to have that child Im sure it will be the light of your life.

 

But if you do make that decision, the course of your life in SO many ways, financially, socially, career, future husband etc.

 

having that child will be like wearing a scarlet "A" for the rest of your life.

 

As sweet and innocent as a child may be this is not how you want to have a baby and not when you want to have a baby.

 

Geez if you were my daughter Id march you to Planned Parenthood myself and thump you across the head for being so silly as to get yourself into this position.

 

 

And NO the MM will NOT be there. Dont be surprised if he gives you the $$ for the abortion himself and then disappears.

 

Really sorry you got yourself caught up in this.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

Edited to add:

 

There is always the emotional and true argument that the child could be adopted by a good home as PIH was.

 

And that is very noble. Personally while I consider myself to be a good person I am not self sacrificing enough to do that. Look deep in your heart before you make a decision to have the child at your age and decide if yo really want to do that. If you are very religious, then I suppose your decision may already be made for you.

 

But if you arent, while its noble you can be noble in other ways. There are children all over the world available for adoption, you dont have to change the course of your life to have this one.

Edited July 27, 2010 by jj33

[herenow]

Noelle my response is going to be HUGELY unpopular on a forum where God is invoked every other minute and with no disrespect to PIH and others who were adopted but

 

IMHO (Ill say it again) IMHO you would be crazy to have this child.

 

You made a mistake. You got sucked in by a sleezy guy.

 

Are you going to give up your education, give up your youth to raise a child (sweet and innocent and wonderful as it may be) who was fathered by this sleezebag.

 

Abortion is still legal in the US. Take advantage of that right and dont look back.

 

If you decide to have that child Im sure it will be the light of your life.

 

But if you do make that decision, the course of your life in SO many ways, financially, socially, career, future husband etc.

 

having that child will be like wearing a scarlet "A" for the rest of your life.

 

As sweet and innocent as a child may be this is not how you want to have a baby and not when you want to have a baby.

 

Geez if you were my daughter Id march you to Planned Parenthood myself and thump you across the head for being so silly as to get yourself into this position.

 

 

And NO the MM will NOT be there. Dont be surprised if he gives you the $$ for the abortion himself and then disappears.

 

Really sorry you got yourself caught up in this.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

Popularity for your views should not be an issue here JJ. This is an option that is available and should be considered. Popular or not, it is legal and every woman has a choice. It's Noelles, body and I commend you JJ for stating the obvious when you know how some here will react.