A huge mess

[Minnie09]

My heart goes out to you, honey!

 

You, Noelle, have to figure it out for yourself. Sit down and think about the consequences of each possible decision you can now make. Make a Pros and Cons list, etc. Get support from a person you can confide in. Discuss every detail, explore your options, but most of all, pay attention to your gut feeling.

Don't involve the biological father in your decision, but inform him of the facts.*

If you decide to have the baby, you'll most likely end up being a single mother (at least for a while), juggling school, childcare, jobs, money problems, and other things that are tough, especially given your age and situation. But you can do it. You can grow with it. Should you decide in favor of abortion, your life can go on as it is, more or less, at least on the outside. That would be the "easier" way to go right now, as it involves the fewest changes. Adoption..the hardest way IMO, but I'm biased.

 

In contrast to many other posters, I do think 20 is too young to have a child; too many things are unsettled in a young person's life, and the decision to raise a child closes many doors and takes many options away from you.*

 

Never ever even once think about the MM in your decision process, whether*

or not you think you're in love with him. Actions speak louder than words, and as long as you have nothing to rely on but his words, you're alone in this.*

 

I think you're a smart cookie, you don't sound like somebody who doesn't know what STD's are or that you shouldn't get involved in an MM's life. You don't need to be lectured. Yes, you did get involved, and now you are learning the hard way. Harder than you would have ever thought. We all make mistakes. Learn! Decide! Embrace life!

 

I wish you all the best!

[noelle303]

Uum... Hone, take some responsability here and don;t be bratty about it. The BOTH of you carried an A. You own your body and I understand that this was a BC oopsie type thing but let's not place the all blame on your MM. You think this guy is "gettign off pretty easy" compared to you?

 

Let's flip the tables for a minute. You have options. You can be pregnant today and not tomorrow (sorry to be blunt about it) keep it moving and never hear from this man again. Now, let's see what happens to prince charming if he is exposed. Remember, this doesn't only involve you and now your pregnancy. This involves him, his W, his kids, the puppy, HIS AND YOUR EMPLOYMENT! Since he is a client of yours.

 

Yes, too late to consider those things but neither one of you really cared about them when you were in between the sheets.

 

 

I'm not being bratty, and I'm not blaming it all on him! I said a million times on this thread I am equally to blame.

 

But come one, one phone call is hardly something seriously disruptive of his life.

[califnan]

Is there something I said that wasn't correct? The truth is, he is the father. Once the child is born he has the right to be a father. What does that have to do with abortion? Just facts here. Something that Noelle should consider, along with everything else, to make the decision that is best for her.

 

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I was speaking of your warstory of a MM and his W filing for custody..

 

Noelle .. Take Charge of your life and your baby .. It is the two of you now..

[lolapalooza]

I still want to hear what he has to say before I can make the decision for myself. I mean... I wanna know whether I would be completely on my own, you know what I mean?

Kudos to him if he's completely honest and steps up. Because being completely honest is gonna mean he's going to have to tell his wife that he had an affair, impregnated another woman, and that the OW is gonna have the kid. And that part of his paycheck for the next 18 years is gonna go to support that kid.

 

Think about it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Honey, please talk to a counselor and then to your parents BEFORE talking to MM. He cannot be trusted to make the best decision for you. He would also be respomsible for CS or could be asked to sign over his rights permanently to forgo it. These are adult decisions, let your parents help you make the best choices BEFORE talking to MM. You could also terminate the pregnancy. This man DOES NOT want his life sidetracked by an unwanted pregnancy with you... THAT you can count on. You have the rest of your life to get married and have children, I hate to see you derail it now because you were stupid enough to get involved with this POS. One thing we know for sure is that he's not a stand up kind of guy!

[herenow]

I

I still want to hear what he has to say before I can make the decision for myself. I mean... I wanna know whether I would be completely on my own, you know what I mean?

 

Whatever will give you the peace of mind to make the decision that is best for you.

[sweetjasmine]

But come one, one phone call is hardly something seriously disruptive of his life.

 

It isn't? He's a married man with children, and you're going to be telling him that you're pregnant and aren't sure what you want to do. I can't think of many things that would be more disruptive than that.

[pureinheart]

I seriously doubt she will....I think she is looking for suggestions as most of us do;)

 

Noelle, I doubt you would have posted this is you weren't looking to make an eduacated decision based on the facts. I would seriously suggest councelling.

 

This is a serious decision.

 

Having dealt with post abortion councelling, which was the hardest as most of the ladies were close to suicide before contacting us...the regrets were unbelievable.

[Mimolicious]

Both my children are adopted. They were told from the beginning that their BM was to young to keep them and she loved them enough to find them the right family. Both my children are very well adjusted to the concept and have explained it at school. We offered open adoption in both cases, and both decided only to go with pictures. We do have pictures of the birth parents for them. Son keeps his in a frame by his bed. Both are very bonded to us.

 

One birthmother backed out on us at the last minute. I was sad, but for me it was okay. I wanted her to do what was right for her.

 

On the other hand I have supported my niece through a teen pregnancy and friends through single pregnancy. It is all a choice to make.

 

I think getting some counseling on your own, then telling him then going back to couseling even with him might be the best idea.

 

BellaX3. God bless your soul! (hugs) for taking in the innocent, for giving them love, a home and a family. I am sure they also fill your heart with much blessings and tenderness.

[Snowflower]

I have NO idea tbh.

 

 

 

 

I don't know... yeah, thats a good point.

 

I still want to hear what he has to say before I can make the decision for myself. I mean... I wanna know whether I would be completely on my own, you know what I mean?

 

But could you trust him to follow through with what he said he would do?

 

Let's say you tell him about the pregnancy and he appears to be excited and says he will divorce his wife and be with you. You then decide, based on what he says, to keep the baby.

 

Then he backs out/changes his mind/stays with his wife and you have a baby alone. I don't think you can trust him to follow through--and it has nothing to do with him already cheating on his wife.

 

There are many men who will not "own up" to their responsibility of fatherhood even if they aren't married. I don't think this guy will be any different.

 

Please consider what you will do if he does one thing and then says another. This is why IMO, you need to make your decision independent of the MM. It's too risky to depend on him, KWIM?

[califnan]

 

Go with what's in your heart and whatever choice you make, it's neither right nor wrong, .

 

 

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I disagree... Not so ..

[jwi71]

Don't involve the biological father in your decision, but inform him of the facts.

 

 

This is patently disgusting.

I cannot find strong enough words to condemn this.

 

Whether we like it or not there IS a father.

And, unless I'm mistaken, HE has rights too. Such as...rights to have a say in the life of HIS child.

 

It is a HORRENDOUS mistake to NOT involve the MM in this decision making process.

 

He may want the child.

He may be against abortion and favor adoption.

He may offer the support she will need.

 

The FATHER DESERVES TO KNOW.

HE HAS A GOD GIVEN RIGHT to have a voice in this.

 

Inform the MM and TOGETHER make a decision.

[herenow]

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I was speaking of your warstory of a MM and his W filing for custody..

 

Noelle .. Take Charge of your life and your baby .. It is the two of you now..

 

Well, that is a possibility and I think we should give Noelle the benefit of seeing all sides of the issue. It's now just her and her baby. Once that baby is born, he or she has a father and there is nothing you can do to change that fact.

[noelle303]

I just want to add that me telling him before I make a decision isn't based on some fanstasy love thing and him convincing me to do something I don't want to do (whether it be keeping it or terminating). I just need to know where I stand.

[noelle303]

But could you trust him to follow through with what he said he would do?

 

Let's say you tell him about the pregnancy and he appears to be excited and says he will divorce his wife and be with you. You then decide, based on what he says, to keep the baby.

 

Then he backs out/changes his mind/stays with his wife and you have a baby alone. I don't think you can trust him to follow through--and it has nothing to do with him already cheating on his wife.

 

There are many men who will not "own up" to their responsibility of fatherhood even if they aren't married. I don't think this guy will be any different.

 

Please consider what you will do if he does one thing and then says another. This is why IMO, you need to make your decision independent of the MM. It's too risky to depend on him, KWIM?

 

Yes, thats an excellent point as someone already said.

 

I guess I would never make a decision before I see his packed suitcase and him out the door.

[Mimolicious]

 

It's your body. You are under no obligation to tell him. In the state I live in, the father does not have to sign off on an abortion. I don't know of a state that does. Keep that in mind because it's looking like the only reason you want to tell him is to make sure he's not going to beg you to keep it. He doesn't have to carry the baby to term, nor does he have to raise it. He has two of his own to raise, and you can see how seriously he takes that. What you do with your body is your decision, not his.

 

Now, as a parent. Once I have raised my daughters, I'm done. I'm not willing to raise their children for them. If they get into trouble, they are on their own. My job as a grandma is to dote on them, to spoil them, to teach them bad habits that will annoy their mothers, and to then to send them home. Think carefuly about how much support you will need from your parents if you decide to have this baby. They may not be as mean as I am, but I really doubt they will be excited about being grandparents right now.

 

Good luck. This is a serious lesson and a hard one to learn.

 

For adoption you do.

 

(LOL! about your teaching bad habits!)

[herenow]

I just want to add that me telling him before I make a decision isn't based on some fanstasy love thing and him convincing me to do something I don't want to do (whether it be keeping it or terminating). I just need to know where I stand.

 

And that is what you should do. But realize that, no matter what he says, it's still your body and your choice. People will try to scare you (like the previous suicide comment), but only you know what is best for you. Talking to a therapist no matter what you choose is a good idea. Just make sure the therapist is neutral on his or her views.

[herenow]

Yes, thats an excellent point as someone already said.

 

I guess I would never make a decision before I see his packed suitcase and him out the door.

 

Even then, many MM go back. You need to see divorced papers filed.

[califnan]

Well, that is a possibility and I think we should give Noelle the benefit of seeing all sides of the issue. It's now just her and her baby. Once that baby is born, he or she has a father and there is nothing you can do to change that fact.

 

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And I just wanted her to take responsibility for her and her baby's life ...

 

As long as she is carrying the child - it is not too late to start acting in a responsible manner..

[herenow]

For adoption you do.

 

Yup, and then it is no longer just Noelle's decision.

[herenow]

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And I just wanted her to take responsibility for her and her baby's life ...

 

As long as she is carrying the child - it is not too late to start acting in a responsible manner..

 

I agree and, IMO, the most responsible thing for her to do is to look at all possibilities and make the best choice for her.

[jwi71]

I just want to add that me telling him before I make a decision isn't based on some fanstasy love thing and him convincing me to do something I don't want to do (whether it be keeping it or terminating). I just need to know where I stand.

 

You don't stand.

 

I know its a bit harsh but you're gonna find that out soon enough.

 

I would call your MM and tell him you are pregnant. Ask him what he thinks.

As others have already said - he's gonna be sick. No way he will want it. But, no one knows until you have that talk with him. He DOES deserve that.

 

Ultimately though, the decision will be yours. Keep him/her or not.

I'm a single parent and its NOT easy.

But its NOT impossible either.

 

As far as support goes - he won;t be there emotionally. Forget it.

But - you never know - he just MAY be. You have to give him the CHANCE to "man up". (No I doubt he will, 99.99% he will bail on you)

 

Financially speaking, he has NO CHOICE. HE WILL pay child support or go to jail. It's really that simple. The minute you prove he is the father, he's paying until the child is 18. Signed, sealed and delivered.

 

I CAN promise you the courts FINALLY got that right.

 

I personally think you should keep the child.

Being a parent is an awesome experience. NOTHING compares.

 

Time to tell your friends and family too. Time to circle the wagons and rally your support base. You're going to need it.

 

Best of luck

[Mimolicious]

Seriously Noelle, here's a link to start with. See if they have a location near you (I hope so!).

 

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/index.htm

 

First, go to a OB/GYN and get a real pregnancy test. Take it from there and use all the resources you can possibly find to make the decision that works best for you. Under your circumstances, any decision is going to be hard to make and will have long lasting effects in your life. One more than the other but can't take it back now. It is what it is...

[noel2]

Hi Noelle 303, this is noel2, lol. I was just reading a reply you made on here about people being less judgemental, well, you have a 'friend' in me. I too posted some things on here recently and to say the least, I got some pretty nasty replies. I guess people out there are so damned perfect that they can afford to throw stones. Anyway, I have been exactly where you are, I don't know how to say this except, do what is in YOUR best interest because you are the one thats gonna be left to deal with the baby (not that that's necessarily a bad thing). I chose not to have my baby, this was 20 years ago and it still haunts me, however, I did what I thought I had to do at the time. Good luck sweetie, let me know if ya need to talk!

[Snowflower]

I actually thought the advice Noelle was getting was pretty non-judgmental!

 

Noelle, I hope posting here has been helpful to you. A situation like yours is a highly-charged emotional one but despite this, I think posters have been trying to present you with all sides and different things to consider. And doing a pretty good job of it.

 

Anyway, like I said before, you sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. You know your situation best and again, I'm confident you will make the best decision for you.