A huge mess

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Noelle,

 

Gwyneth was working full time in a pretty good job if I remember right. She had the money and resources to raise a child. I agree that you should have an unbiased therapist or counselor help you to make the best decision for you.

 

Have you checked out the counseling services offered by your university? My sister had an abortion at 16 and the extent of counseling was to ask if someone was forcing her to make that decision. She also went on to finish college, become a L&D nurse and has 4 kids. There is life after whatever decision you make, be sure of that.

[herenow]

I agree that it is really important to make sure whoever you speak with is pro-choice. Not pro-abortion, pro-choice. They should discuss all options in a non-biased manner giving you the opportunity to make an informed choice.

 

I have a friend in college who went to a clinic offering free pregnancy tests. She had already decided to abort if she was pregnant. In those days, the home tests were not as accurate. They would not give her the results unless she went to speak with one of their "therapists".

 

Turns out the free blood test was a front for people who wanted to talk women out of abortions. She still had the abortion, but the woman she spoke with was merciless. The stress of the abortion didn't even compare to the stress that the "therapist" laid upon her.

 

So, be smart and make sure you are speaking to someone with no agenda other than your best interests.

[herenow]

Noelle,

 

Gwyneth was working full time in a pretty good job if I remember right. She had the money and resources to raise a child. I agree that you should have an unbiased therapist or counselor help you to make the best decision for you.

 

Have you checked out the counseling services offered by your university? My sister had an abortion at 16 and the extent of counseling was to ask if someone was forcing her to make that decision. She also went on to finish college, become a L&D nurse and has 4 kids. There is life after whatever decision you make, be sure of that.

 

Yup, a great life after abortion is possible. I know many women who had abortions because they were not ready to have a child. As far as I know all of them went on to live wonder lives. Most have children today and some of them are grandparents.

 

One of my friends had an abortion while she was in medical school. Today she is a pediatrician with two amazing kids of her own. Most women who had abortions look back and, as hard as the decision may have been, realized they made the right choice.

 

I also have two friends who kept their babies (both 18 when they got pregnant) and are very happy as well. I don't know anyone who put a child up for adoption so I can't speak first hand about that, but a choice you have as well.

 

No matter what, there is a right choice for you and you will be fine.

[Fight4Me]

I think going to your regular OB/Gyn is a very good idea. If you let them know you are pregnant when making the appt, and that you need to know your options, they will probably get you in pretty quickly. While it sounds like you're leaning toward one particular direction, I can also tell you are really struggling to decide.

 

While many will disagree with me, I don't think the father being a MM should factor into your decision. Yes, it adds a layer of complications should you decide to keep your baby, but others have done it and so could you. All I'm saying is that it isn't the end of the world... you'll get through this.

[Mimolicious]

Thanks.

Yeah, it's exactly why I think maybe I should make an appointment with my gyn and she can write a referral to a clinic or something.

I don't know... Planned Parenthood seems so final, you know?

 

This is just one poster's experience, not what Planned Parenthood is ALL ABOUT. I went there and my experience was not as Fight4me. Nobody forced me into counseling of a certain type for a certain decision. I was given the health care needed and then the support and mental health assistance.

 

Depends on your current health coverage, if you have insurance and can go to your GYN then that can be a start. If you don't have $$$ to get private care, then research clinics in your city. These services can be very costly if you don't have coverage. Hope everything works with your visit and soon you can deal with the next step.

 

BTW, Don't waste your energy on deranged people . Also, don't feel alone in this. You are not the first and sure wont be the last to be in your situation. For whatever you decide to do, there are many posters here on LS that can give you support. At this point, it becomes something more serious than just being involved in romantic drama. (HUGS)

[herenow]

-----------------------

 

This is the thinking that leads to abortions..

 

Formed from the beginning, your baby is already able to feel pain, and with a beating heart ..

 

And those who have pushed the "counseling" of 'Planned Parenthood' : PP is the biggest abortion mill in the country..

 

Have you ever held a crack addicted baby? There are many of these poor innocent children that have been abandoned at Children's Hospital in Los Angeles by mothers who could have made a different choice. I see you live in So Cal, it may be worth a trip. They need volunteers. Your heart will break when you see the pain these babies are in. Tell me about their futures please.

 

Sorry off topic, I will stop now.

[califnan]

Yes, HN .. off topic.

[Hazyhead]

Have you ever held a crack addicted baby? There are many of these poor innocent children that have been abandoned at Children's Hospital in Los Angeles by mothers who could have made a different choice. I see you live in So Cal, it may be worth a trip. They need volunteers. Your heart will break when you see the pain these babies are in. Tell me about their futures please.

 

Sorry off topic, I will stop now.

 

Herenow, I'm 100% with you on how heartbreaking that situation is; it's one very close to my heart, for personal reasons. I'm not saying you aren't making a good point, but I don't know if it's one that will really help the OP, guilt about it isn't what she needs to feel.

 

But I agree about the help and volunteers! Unfortunately, in the UK, we are extremely short of places like that.

[Mimolicious]

Yup, a great life after abortion is possible. I know many women who had abortions because they were not ready to have a child. As far as I know all of them went on to live wonder lives. Most have children today and some of them are grandparents.

 

One of my friends had an abortion while she was in medical school. Today she is a pediatrician with two amazing kids of her own. Most women who had abortions look back and, as hard as the decision may have been, realized they made the right choice.

 

I also have two friends who kept their babies (both 18 when they got pregnant) and are very happy as well. I don't know anyone who put a child up for adoption so I can't speak first hand about that, but a choice you have as well.

 

No matter what, there is a right choice for you and you will be fine.

 

YES THERE IS!!!!!! And some of us are in that group.

 

Seriously, isnt there life after ANYTHING? My grandmother lost her son (my dad) when he was murdered. It's been 30 yrs, she is still alive. Yet no parent is supposed to burry their child (who they have raised) There will always be tomorrow after anything tragic. That same "God" that we make sound as such jugmental,unforgiving and punisher force is the same "God" that wont forsake us and gives us the strenght to deal with what he sends our way.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but life is only over when one dies...

 

I can say that I know people from all 3 scenarios. My friend that gave her child up for adoption is actually having the hardest time to cope with her decision.

[herenow]

Herenow, I'm 100% with you on how heartbreaking that situation is; it's one very close to my heart, for personal reasons. I'm not saying you aren't making a good point, but I don't know if it's one that will really help the OP, guilt about it isn't what she needs to feel.

 

But I agree about the help and volunteers! Unfortunately, in the UK, we are extremely short of places like that.

 

I know it was totally off topic. I don't think it applies to Noelle as I don't think she is addicted to crack. I just get sick of people preaching about the pain of an unborn child while ignoring the pain of the ones who have been born, Noelle included. Tony, sorry but I'm very passionate about protecting the right to choose, whatever the choice may be.

[herenow]

Yes, HN .. off topic.

 

Still, you should check it out. These children need homes, maybe you can adopt some of them and help them have the life they deserve.

 

They way I see it, until all unwanted children have safe homes, you should not be telling others to bring more of them into this world (not intended to mean Noelle here). So, practice what you preach. While you are at it, take a walk in the streets of LA and pick up some more innocent children who haven't been given the opportunity for a good life and help them as well.

Edited July 28, 2010 by herenow

[Minnie09]

While many will disagree with me, I don't think the father being a MM should factor into your decision. Yes, it adds a layer of complications should you decide to keep your baby, but others have done it and so could you. All I'm saying is that it isn't the end of the world... you'll get through this.

 

I totally agree with you. He should be informed, but that's it. Plus, what if they strongly disagree with each other on what to do? It's still her choice in the end. There is only one end-result, whatever it may be. You can't be half-pregnant. Somebody said in a previous post that her MM might be against abortion, but pro-adoption. Fine, but she - not him - is going to be the one to be pregnant for 9 months, having to give up her lifestyle, and having to deal with giving up the baby after giving birth. It just makes no sense to me. On the other hand, if she chooses to keep the child and he's pro abortion, who gets to make the choice? Also her, of course. It is her choice in the end.

 

Noelle, when are you meeting your MM for a serious discussion? I wish you calmness. Keep us posted.

[herenow]

Tony, my sincere apologies for going so off topic. If you give me an infraction, I understand and take my punishment with pride.

[sweetjasmine]

I don't know... Planned Parenthood seems so final, you know?

 

It doesn't have to be. And if it turns out the counselor you're speaking to is nudging you in a specific direction when you're still unsure, remind yourself that you can just walk away and take the time to think. If you go there and feel uneasy about it, you can just turn around and walk out the door. You're not going to be walking in and having an abortion right away. PP isn't just an abortion clinic - they provide other sexual health/reproductive services, including information/guidance with prenatal care for expecting mothers. They also seem to be starting to provide prenatal care themselves in a few branches.

 

What about your school? I would find out if they have sexual health/reproductive services counselors there who you can talk to.

[Fight4Me]

I totally agree with you. He should be informed, but that's it. Plus, what if they strongly disagree with each other on what to do? It's still her choice in the end. There is only one end-result, whatever it may be. You can't be half-pregnant. Somebody said in a previous post that her MM might be against abortion, but pro-adoption. Fine, but she - not him - is going to be the one to be pregnant for 9 months, having to give up her lifestyle, and having to deal with giving up the baby after giving birth. It just makes no sense to me. On the other hand, if she chooses to keep the child and he's pro abortion, who gets to make the choice? Also her, of course. It is her choice in the end.

 

Noelle, when are you meeting your MM for a serious discussion? I wish you calmness. Keep us posted.

 

I actually agree with you. My point was that regardless of his status, what Noel decides to do should be based on what she wants, not the marital status of the father. I just don't want to see her manipulated by him or anyone else.

[fooled once]

Turned upside down? I will not pawn the baby on to my parents. I will not move back home and take advantage of their roof and their resources. I will not sit at home while they go to work to feed my child.

 

I'm talking about a little bit of help from them. Every parent at some point gets some help from their parent. Whether it's with babysitting or splitting the cost of a car seat.

Don't jump to conclusions. I'm not stupid (no matter what the situation I'm in is) and would NEVER EVER let someone else pay for the consequences of my actions.

 

And if I truly would have been completely reliant on my parents, then I would certainly make the decision whether to keep the baby or not together with them.

 

GOOD! I am the mother of a 21 year old son and while I love him with all my heart, the last thing he needs right now is to be a father. He isn't emotionally or mentally mature enough.

 

That said, I am glad you are close with your parents and yes, they probably would be disappointed in you. I got pregnant at 21 (I miscarried) and my parents are ultra conservative. My mother was furious at me and my dad said he would support my decision no matter what decision it was. The decision didn't end up mattering as I miscarried at 9 weeks.

 

Are you ready to be a mother? Are you ready to be totally unselfish and bring into this world a child that you are solely responsible for? Are you ready to not have the life that other 20 years old have? And are you ready to do this without the father in the picture? Even if you do decide to keep the baby, do NOT count on him for anything more than a check. If he wants to keep his marriage, he won't tell his wife. If he decides to be a participant in the baby's life, and stay married to his wife, are you prepared to let your child go to be with dad and dad's family every other weekend? Think about it long and hard and then make the best decision for YOU.

 

Good luck!

[RedDevil66]

-----------------------

 

This is the thinking that leads to abortions..

 

Formed from the beginning, your baby is already able to feel pain, and with a beating heart ..

 

And those who have pushed the "counseling" of 'Planned Parenthood' : PP is the biggest abortion mill in the country..

 

One week into conception, are you telling me there is a heart and a baby that feels pain already?

Please explain

[califnan]

One week into conception, are you telling me there is a heart and a baby that feels pain already?

Please explain

 

-------------------

 

Heart cell is attached from beginning .. From date of Last period heart will beat on 22nd day.

[jj33]

HELLO did you NOT read Noelles request that the abortion debate not be conducted here....

 

This is Noelles thread.

[noelle303]

 

Depends on your current health coverage, if you have insurance and can go to your GYN then that can be a start. If you don't have $$$ to get private care, then research clinics in your city. These services can be very costly if you don't have coverage. Hope everything works with your visit and soon you can deal with the next step.

 

BTW, Don't waste your energy on deranged people . Also, don't feel alone in this. You are not the first and sure wont be the last to be in your situation. For whatever you decide to do, there are many posters here on LS that can give you support. At this point, it becomes something more serious than just being involved in romantic drama. (HUGS)

 

Thanks. I have health insurance so it shouldn't be a problem... I called today and said it was urgent so she managed to squeeze me in on Friday.

My gyn is really sweet, so I know I'll be able to talk with her and she will refer me to a good place.

 

MM is coming over tonight. My roomate bolted to leave the two of us to talk in private.

I'm so anxious to see his reaction.

I just want to have a rational talk with him, is that too much to ask? I feel like it would make me more rational in making the decision for myself, you know?

[noelle303]

Yeah, please... no talk about beating heatbeats and growing cells. It really hurts me to think about this as a baby. With both choices, it just stings to think about a baby inside of me. A baby that will either be ''flushed down the sink'' or a baby that will be brought into this world and just alter my life completely.

For now, before I decide, this will be a condition that I am in.

Edited July 28, 2010 by noelle303

[Fieldsofgold]

Having only read your first post, not the thread.

 

1. Yes, absolutely talk to him. This is his child.

 

2. No, don't let him make the decision for you. Offer his opinion but don't let him get pushy and go over your needs.

 

3. I am prochoice. However, I would counsel you to consider keeping it or putting it up for adoption before another option. Of course, you know your own life so you decide but my friends who have had abortions have uniformly regretted it or had a really rough period after it where they treated themselves very poorly in one way or another... Not saying this is universal among everyone, it certainly is not, but it is something to consider and consider yourself. This is serious. I only put a highlight on this because one friend of mine was sure she'd have no problem with it and ended up really hurting.

 

4. I also would tell your parents either way because whether you keep it or not, you will need emotional support in the coming months. If not your parents, make sure a tight group of reliable people (I know some of your friends even those who love you might bail under pressure because you are so young and they can't understand) And their response might help you make your decision. I know if my son, grown, was in a problem, I would help in what ways needed to make sure he and his partner can get on their own two feet and support a child the way one deserves. Could their help or lack possibly change your mind?

 

5. My son was a "mistake." And while I regret being with his father because of it, nothing has made my life better than being a mother.

 

 

I hope you find the decision that is best for you and makes you happiest in the long term, whatever it is (Please don't feel I'm saying it must be one to do so, just sharing experiences of those I know - I'm sure you'll get plenty of others too!)

 

But I do firmly believe MM deserves to know.

 

I think this is excellent advice!

 

I am concerned that MM will pressure you to have an abortion, whether that is your decision or not, because that way he gets off Scot-free. Wife doesn't have to know, he doesn't have to pay child support. Lots of reasons in his best interest why he would push for abortion, regardless of your feelings. I think you should include his wife in the discussion as well.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[noelle303]

I think this is excellent advice!

 

I am concerned that MM will pressure you to have an abortion, whether that is your decision or not, because that way he gets off Scot-free. Wife doesn't have to know, he doesn't have to pay child support. Lots of reasons in his best interest why he would push for abortion, regardless of your feelings. I think you should include his wife in the discussion as well.

 

 

The thing is... I rarely (in fact never) succumb to pressure. Or to people telling me what to do. So thats one thing I do not worry about-anyone convincing me to do something I decided against.

 

And I will wait to see how tonight goes. I'm still holding out hope that he and I can have a rational conversation about the situation, without bringing in his wife.

[Fieldsofgold]

Your situation isn't all that uncommon. I know it's difficult but it has happened to several posters over the years.

 

You are not alone. Just make the best decision you can for yourself and circumstances.

 

You'll get lots of support, no matter your choice.

 

GEL

 

You WILL get lots of support, no matter your choice.

[xpaperxcutx]

Before getting to this recent page, I would have immediately pushed you for getting an abortion, but now I'm hesitant since I do agree with FieldsofGold that the MM would also see abortion as an opportunistic road for him to get off scots free.

 

I hope you do update us on his reaction. I think as much as I feel for you, I'm hesitant to believe that he'll be supportive of you and press you to have the baby.