Social Ineptness

[CaliGuy]

Yep, that is me. I have the tendency to have some social ineptness. Not because I don't know how to talk to people overall, just not understanding how to talk to someone NEW. So new people in new situations create, more often than not, awkwardness.

 

This is why most of the time when I meet someone new it's a colossal failure. It's why first dates, hanging out with new friends, etc almost always ends up with us not being friends.

 

I'm wondering what causes this and how to fix it because at my age, this still shouldn't be happening.

[northstar1]

This happens to me as well with new people. I find myself far too formal, and asking rather standard things, rather then an easy going flow to conversation. Mingling with a roomful of new people is death for me

[TouchedByViolet]

What do you mean by colossal failure? Do you scare people or make yourself out as a creeper?

 

I am a social idiot and have found it somewhat helpful meeting new people in environments that I am comfortable in.

[You'reasian]

Yep, that is me. I have the tendency to have some social ineptness. Not because I don't know how to talk to people overall, just not understanding how to talk to someone NEW. So new people in new situations create, more often than not, awkwardness.

 

This is why most of the time when I meet someone new it's a colossal failure. It's why first dates, hanging out with new friends, etc almost always ends up with us not being friends.

 

I'm wondering what causes this and how to fix it because at my age, this still shouldn't be happening.

 

Talking to new people is hit or miss. If they do not respond to you or respond minimally, there's nothing you can do.

 

Start with a greeting. Ask a few direct questions. Let them talk. Flow with their topic into a deeper discussion or transition into a new topic.

 

Some people you will connect with easily. Some you will not. Depends on how much you have in common or atleast you can relate to.

 

Sometimes you will connect with someone from somewhere from a different background, different culture and feel natural rapport and sometimes you will have problems connecting with someone who lives in your neighborhood.

 

There are no hard fast rules for meeting new people. You either connect or you don't.

 

I recently met and hung out with two fit attractive women at the park and have a possible date. I struck out with a woman at a bar. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

Edited July 28, 2010 by You'reasian

[Yamaha]

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com

[D-Lish]

I'm the opposite Cali- I'm really awesome at making people feel comfortable, I can adapt to new situations easily- I know what makes people tick and I'll pick up on that and draw people in. I can do this with both genders.

 

Where I fail is down the line where I allow my true insecurities to sabotage my relationships with those I truly care about.

[carhill]

I'm wondering what causes this and how to fix it because at my age, this still shouldn't be happening.

 

One potential is an over-sensitivity to the interpersonal dynamic. I call this living outside oneself too much. I've found that the close friends who appear to have the most success in such situations are ones who are relaxed and have a quick and easy wit/humor. Where they 'open the door', my sensitivity and listening skills build rapport and cause people to feel like they can be open with me. Different skill sets; different personalities. Many potentials, not all of which are compatible. Acceptance of that helps with the relaxation part. Good luck

[CaliGuy]

What do you mean by colossal failure? Do you scare people or make yourself out as a creeper?

 

I am a social idiot and have found it somewhat helpful meeting new people in environments that I am comfortable in.

 

Not creeper, just say things people either don't find funny or take out of context. It's almost like I have to double check everything I say to make sure I haven't offended someone.

 

Talking to new people is hit or miss. If they do not respond to you or respond minimally, there's nothing you can do.

 

Start with a greeting. Ask a few direct questions. Let them talk. Flow with their topic into a deeper discussion or transition into a new topic.

 

Some people you will connect with easily. Some you will not. Depends on how much you have in common or atleast you can relate to.

 

Sometimes you will connect with someone from somewhere from a different background, different culture and feel natural rapport and sometimes you will have problems connecting with someone who lives in your neighborhood.

 

There are no hard fast rules for meeting new people. You either connect or you don't.

 

I recently met and hung out with two fit attractive women at the park and have a possible date. I struck out with a woman at a bar. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

 

Yeah I agree. Sometimes I hit it off, sometimes I don't, but it takes a special kind of woman for me to actually hit it off that well with. I mean, mostly they take everything the wrong way (even when I don't mean what they think). So then I find myself either guarding what I say or not saying much at all.

 

It would help if I had a better sense of humor or was funny. I used to be funny, but I guess as I've gotten older I've found a lot of what used to be funny is not-so-funny anymore, lol!

 

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com

 

Good link, thank you Yamaha!

 

I'm the opposite Cali- I'm really awesome at making people feel comfortable, I can adapt to new situations easily- I know what makes people tick and I'll pick up on that and draw people in. I can do this with both genders.

 

Where I fail is down the line where I allow my true insecurities to sabotage my relationships with those I truly care about.

 

Wow, I am exactly the opposite. Once I get to know them well the only thing that holds me back is my excitement for that person. I know that if she is the right woman then we'll both be excited about each other.

 

One potential is an over-sensitivity to the interpersonal dynamic. I call this living outside oneself too much. I've found that the close friends who appear to have the most success in such situations are ones who are relaxed and have a quick and easy wit/humor. Where they 'open the door', my sensitivity and listening skills build rapport and cause people to feel like they can be open with me. Different skill sets; different personalities. Many potentials, not all of which are compatible. Acceptance of that helps with the relaxation part. Good luck

 

That's really what I have to work on, trying to be better with wit and humor. Books won't help me, I just have to be more relaxed about life in general I think.

[Art_Critic]

Oh come on CG.. I've seen your humor and wit.. it is there, intact and pretty good..

 

You are just letting the pressure of it all get to you..

 

When you stop caring about what they think about you it gets easier..

Give yourself a break..

Maybe you are trying to hard.. let it come out naturally..

[Feelin Frisky]

Yep, that is me. I have the tendency to have some social ineptness. Not because I don't know how to talk to people overall, just not understanding how to talk to someone NEW. So new people in new situations create, more often than not, awkwardness.

 

This is why most of the time when I meet someone new it's a colossal failure. It's why first dates, hanging out with new friends, etc almost always ends up with us not being friends.

 

I'm wondering what causes this and how to fix it because at my age, this still shouldn't be happening.

 

Perhaps you should give yourself a break and cease thinking of it as ineptness. You probably have what's recognized in medicine and pharmacology as social anxiety--an entirely common chemical imperfection in which people afflicted get butterflies, blush, laugh awkwardly as they recriminate themselves easily, feel fight or flight nervousness, et al and then second guess themselves into not taking social risks at all. I used to have this but because I took my breakup with my fiancee so badly I sought help and it turns out that that the medication I was prescribed slowly turned me into a person totally at ease with public speaking, no more blushing when being singled out in a meeting or stuff like that. More and more those things that would cause me self recrimination would just roll like water off a duck's back. The medication is called Prozac and it is completely transparent--you don't even know it's there. It has levelled the playing field for me so that the chemicals that drove my social anxiety are back in good synch. My termperment is much more even too. I wish this was around when I was much younger because I may have taken more risks and gotten further ahead.

[jean-luc sisko]

Yep, that is me. I have the tendency to have some social ineptness. Not because I don't know how to talk to people overall, just not understanding how to talk to someone NEW. So new people in new situations create, more often than not, awkwardness.

 

This is why most of the time when I meet someone new it's a colossal failure. It's why first dates, hanging out with new friends, etc almost always ends up with us not being friends.

 

I'm wondering what causes this and how to fix it because at my age, this still shouldn't be happening.

 

Poor socialisation in youth causes it.

 

But it's not all lost.You simply have to be open in public with people.

 

With somebody new, just make small talk and have a basic conversation. It also depends on how to read people and situations.

[CaliGuy]

Oh come on CG.. I've seen your humor and wit.. it is there, intact and pretty good..

 

You are just letting the pressure of it all get to you..

 

When you stop caring about what they think about you it gets easier..

Give yourself a break..

Maybe you are trying to hard.. let it come out naturally..

 

You know, I really do try to be relaxed but the pressure can get to me sometimes. It's not that I want to impress them, I just want to make friends and I think the way I deliver it sometimes comes off the wrong way.

 

I appreciate your kind words. I just wish I could have wit and humor at the snap of a finger

 

Perhaps you should give yourself a break and cease thinking of it as ineptness. You probably have what's recognized in medicine and pharmacology as social anxiety--an entirely common chemical imperfection in which people afflicted get butterflies, blush, laugh awkwardly as they recriminate themselves easily, feel fight or flight nervousness, et al and then second guess themselves into not taking social risks at all. I used to have this but because I took my breakup with my fiancee so badly I sought help and it turns out that that the medication I was prescribed slowly turned me into a person totally at ease with public speaking, no more blushing when being singled out in a meeting or stuff like that. More and more those things that would cause me self recrimination would just roll like water off a duck's back. The medication is called Prozac and it is completely transparent--you don't even know it's there. It has levelled the playing field for me so that the chemicals that drove my social anxiety are back in good synch. My termperment is much more even too. I wish this was around when I was much younger because I may have taken more risks and gotten further ahead.

 

Hmmm that's some good information and probably for the same reason. I never did like taking drugs though because I don't know what the long term negative effect might be.

 

Poor socialisation in youth causes it.

 

But it's not all lost.You simply have to be open in public with people.

 

With somebody new, just make small talk and have a basic conversation. It also depends on how to read people and situations.

 

Appreciate it, JLS. I will definitely consider my approach a lot better

[ComeUndone]

You sound exactly like me Cali... I struggle in communicating with new people as well. Sometimes I think I must seem antisocial but that's really not it, I just do far better in groups rather than in one-on-ones. I tend to get nervous and then I start over-analyzing the entire conversation... I'll wonder if I'm making sense, if they're getting my sense of humor, etc etc. After we part ways I mull the conversation over and over in my mind and pick apart every little thing I said. It's really quite maddening. I think perhaps we just worry too much about what others think...

[Tayla]

Here is what i constitute as poor social interactive conversation skills.

1:Inability to follow a conversation- Having that Lost in Space look

2: Monotone speech which has no substance

3: Again, Lost in Space look

4: Body language- Do you fidget with your hair, twitch, stutter (nervously),

5: Speak AT someone?

6: Inattentiveness ( non listener)

 

I doubt there are many folks that carry these attributes in public yet I do see it more often then not in new groups being formed at meetings, or social gatherings...Actually my one co-worker who is awkward in speech and in writing would fit this category to a T!

 

IT depends on the group too, I doubt highly that even the best speakers or motivation person arent struck with some sense of awkwardness if placed in an environment that warrants the unknown. Example- If I walk into a room filled with Scientist who are discussing Quantum theories...I just become attentive yet realize they are talking way over my head and I doubt I have anything to contribute but respect and attentiveness. Some personalities and life desires just dont mesh well

[CaliGuy]

You sound exactly like me Cali... I struggle in communicating with new people as well. Sometimes I think I must seem antisocial but that's really not it, I just do far better in groups rather than in one-on-ones. I tend to get nervous and then I start over-analyzing the entire conversation... I'll wonder if I'm making sense, if they're getting my sense of humor, etc etc. After we part ways I mull the conversation over and over in my mind and pick apart every little thing I said. It's really quite maddening. I think perhaps we just worry too much about what others think...

 

True. I just find it hard to relax and let the flow of conversation go when I meet new people. I fully admit I am an oddball and normal conversation flow doesn't always occur with me. Therefore, a lot of NEW people may indeed just feel that I am "weird".

 

Here is what i constitute as poor social interactive conversation skills.

1:Inability to follow a conversation- Having that Lost in Space look

2: Monotone speech which has no substance

3: Again, Lost in Space look

4: Body language- Do you fidget with your hair, twitch, stutter (nervously),

5: Speak AT someone?

6: Inattentiveness ( non listener)

 

I doubt there are many folks that carry these attributes in public yet I do see it more often then not in new groups being formed at meetings, or social gatherings...Actually my one co-worker who is awkward in speech and in writing would fit this category to a T!

 

IT depends on the group too, I doubt highly that even the best speakers or motivation person arent struck with some sense of awkwardness if placed in an environment that warrants the unknown. Example- If I walk into a room filled with Scientist who are discussing Quantum theories...I just become attentive yet realize they are talking way over my head and I doubt I have anything to contribute but respect and attentiveness. Some personalities and life desires just dont mesh well

 

Hmmm well about the only thing that applies to me is #6, but that comes from sheer being bored with the conversation. I think what I lack most is truly being funny or witty at times when I detect that the conversation isn't going as pleasant as I would like.

 

Does that make sense?

[sally4sara]

Now, we won't get along smoothly with everyone we meet, but from what I can tell, most social anxiety is due to insecurity. And it is usually unfounded. We all have interesting things to share about us and know how to ask questions geared to finding out what is interesting in a new person.

 

I've found that reading books (not self help ones) adds to the concepts you can discuss with someone new. Reading your local paper's entertainment section is helpful because you will be more able to suggest things you can go do together. Exploring new music and artists rather than sticking to the ones you found in high school is also good. Being informed on current topics helps so if anything is brought up, you won't worry about sounding like you don't know what you're talking about. Having something you're passionate about is always great so long as you don't winge on and on about YOU YOU YOU. Ask questions about them too. If you find a particular subject resurfacing due to its timeliness and you've yet to read up on it - use your lack of knowledge to enter the conversation by asking the people discussing it to fill you in. Lack of knowledge is not a flaw. Not asking because you don't want to be caught not knowing is a flaw.

 

Save heavy subjects for when you've build a decent rapport. Stay away from religion-centric views unless you require everyone you associate with to be of your faith. Sometimes politics spills back into a person's faith such as with laws upheld or disapproved of by religious groups.

 

Limit your cursing. Mind your manners. Don't make every initial contact about your genitals and what the person you're trying to get to know can do with them. It is so obnoxious when a person pretends to want to know who you are when you can tell they only want to know more about ONE PART of you.

 

Another BIG one is don't let your eagerness put you in obligation to someone you just met. Unless you are absolutely willing to help them move, change all their records into media files, watch their dog, or help paint their dining room - don't offer your help. Instead, express sympathy for their having to deal with the task. If you offer but don't mean it, you won't follow through and the next time you see them you will feel awkward about it even if they don't. Its kinda like the "lets do lunch - call me" thing many people politely say but don't really mean.

[CaliGuy]

That's excellent advice. I too have fallen victim to helping someone who didn't want to get to know me better, they just wanted favors from me. I learned, over time, to be sympathetic but not overly enthusiastic!!

[Eve]

From what you have said, I personally dont think there is anything wrong with you. Its good to be different and have some sort of filter that people have to get through in one way or another in order to see you.

 

You dont sound to me as though you are even bordering on social anxiety - sounds more like you are ready to meet someone and at the moment you are being rather sensitive. Its ok to be sensitive but dont stay there too long as it is possible to freak yourself out.

 

Keep doing what you are doing, I say, but be confident within it. Stop over thinking and concentrate on the flow that is coming back to you from interactions.

 

Quirky people are the BEST! Forget societal notions.. you could end up entertaining people who really are a waste of time if you follow that line too closely.

 

Thats what I think anyway!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[You Go Girl]

What is confidence in a conversation?

It's knowing that you will have something to contribute somewhere along the way. It's also knowing that you may or may not like what you see in others you meet, and that you may embrace some things they say, and may reject others.

Self-conscious paranoia disappears when you listen to others. Really listen, not thinking up a response. There will be pauses for you to jump in when you need or want to badly.

I'm very comfortable talking to a bum on the street, a young person, an old person, a stock broker, lawyer, or scientist. I'd probably draw the line at prostitute or drug pusher.

I work in an antique store. Every imaginable person walks through that door, from a rich doctor purchasing the highest price goods there, to a bum on the street picking in garbage cans looking for something to sell to the store, to a political nutcase coming in pretending to look to buy something, but really wanting to toot their agenda.

I've learned the art of listening. I've learned to sum people up quickly, and to know what kind of language to use around who.

Be comfortable meeting other people simply because you too, have something to contribute. Your words too are as worthy as theirs, and theirs as worthy as yours. There's something to be learned from everybody you meet.

[CaliGuy]

From what you have said, I personally dont think there is anything wrong with you. Its good to be different and have some sort of filter that people have to get through in one way or another in order to see you.

 

You dont sound to me as though you are even bordering on social anxiety - sounds more like you are ready to meet someone and at the moment you are being rather sensitive. Its ok to be sensitive but dont stay there too long as it is possible to freak yourself out.

 

Keep doing what you are doing, I say, but be confident within it. Stop over thinking and concentrate on the flow that is coming back to you from interactions.

 

Quirky people are the BEST! Forget societal notions.. you could end up entertaining people who really are a waste of time if you follow that line too closely.

 

Thats what I think anyway!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Great advice, Eve. I am as easy going as can be and I won't stick around wasting my time on someone who doesn't see value in me. My true friends will always be there (and are). The ones that are new, we either become friends or never talk again and I am OK with that.

 

Look at it like this...

 

you have your friends... past and present. You've had your relationships... past and present....

 

go into this new situation with nothing to lose. So... they don't like you or you don't like them. You move on to the next. Nothing to lose... no attachment.

 

Exactly. Very good point!

[Eve]

What is confidence in a conversation?

It's knowing that you will have something to contribute somewhere along the way. It's also knowing that you may or may not like what you see in others you meet, and that you may embrace some things they say, and may reject others.

Self-conscious paranoia disappears when you listen to others. Really listen, not thinking up a response. There will be pauses for you to jump in when you need or want to badly.

I'm very comfortable talking to a bum on the street, a young person, an old person, a stock broker, lawyer, or scientist. I'd probably draw the line at prostitute or drug pusher.

I work in an antique store. Every imaginable person walks through that door, from a rich doctor purchasing the highest price goods there, to a bum on the street picking in garbage cans looking for something to sell to the store, to a political nutcase coming in pretending to look to buy something, but really wanting to toot their agenda.

I've learned the art of listening. I've learned to sum people up quickly, and to know what kind of language to use around who.

Be comfortable meeting other people simply because you too, have something to contribute. Your words too are as worthy as theirs, and theirs as worthy as yours. There's something to be learned from everybody you meet.

 

I liked this response a lot.

 

I do agree that much comes down to fine tuning ones listening abilities within different contexts.

 

Anyhow, Caliguy is apparently pretty hot stuff, so I think he will be ok in the long run. He just sounds like a sweetheart to me.

 

Like everyone else, I think it is a case of just staying away from bitches. Obviously help where you can but keep trying to purify who you are and come back better each time.

 

Just please dont leave this page thinking something is up with you Cali... ok?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[CaliGuy]

I liked this response a lot.

 

I do agree that much comes down to fine tuning ones listening abilities within different contexts.

 

Anyhow, Caliguy is apparently pretty hot stuff, so I think he will be ok in the long run. He just sounds like a sweetheart to me.

 

Aww thanks but I wouldn't say that I am hot stuff. I'm a guy just like any other, really. If I was hot, the women in my life that I have loved would not have left, so something must be wrong with me. I have never, ever pondered leaving someone I was completely IN LOVE with.

 

Like everyone else, I think it is a case of just staying away from bitches. Obviously help where you can but keep trying to purify who you are and come back better each time.

 

Just please dont leave this page thinking something is up with you Cali... ok?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Thanks again, Eve. At this point I am pretty much fed up with women in California. Either I have a penchant for attracting b*tchy women or I simply lack something that all women desire (not sure what that is because as a man I am pretty easy going, stress free and fun to hang out with and not unattractive at all).

 

I never had these kind of dating problems when I was living in Florida. The women weren't all about the outside of me but more or less what I was like inside. Women here are the opposite. It's all about what's outside and little what's inside.

 

Now that I have this big scar on my head, at least I have a conversation piece I'm pretty much done with dating or marriage. At 41 I think most women would feel I am past my "prime" anyhow.

[Green]

I never had these kind of dating problems when I was living in Florida. The women weren't all about the outside of me but more or less what I was like inside. Women here are the opposite. It's all about what's outside and little what's inside.

 

Now that I have this big scar on my head, at least I have a conversation piece I'm pretty much done with dating or marriage. At 41 I think most women would feel I am past my "prime" anyhow.

 

Yes FL is a great place to date... when compared with most parts of California.

 

But lets get to the jist of all this... you are feeling old and sorry for yourself. GET OVER IT your going to be just fine.

[CaliGuy]

Yes FL is a great place to date... when compared with most parts of California.

 

But lets get to the jist of all this... you are feeling old and sorry for yourself. GET OVER IT your going to be just fine.

 

Well, I would disagree with this statement. I don't feel or even look old. Heck I don't even ACT like I am old. It's just a fact of life that I am in my early 40s now and never married, no kids. It does tend to make you wonder where you screwed up. And aside from my head scar, I look the same (and even better) than I did before.

 

That said, I notice some social ineptness especially at boot camp workouts where there are always new girls there. I mean, I'm not oogling at them or anything, I just try to start up conversations and they go nowhere.

 

It's quite easy to wonder internally "Do I have leprosy or something?!"

[Green]

Well, I would disagree with this statement. I don't feel or even look old. Heck I don't even ACT like I am old. It's just a fact of life that I am in my early 40s now and never married, no kids. It does tend to make you wonder where you screwed up. And aside from my head scar, I look the same (and even better) than I did before.

 

That said, I notice some social ineptness especially at boot camp workouts where there are always new girls there. I mean, I'm not oogling at them or anything, I just try to start up conversations and they go nowhere.

 

It's quite easy to wonder internally "Do I have leprosy or something?!"

 

You are feeling sorry for yourself just stop. You are fine.