kbk Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 I am new to this forum and hope that someone can help. My wife and I are separating and I don't know what I can do to stop it. She says that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. Currently she is staying with her mother and has the kids who are 3 and 4 years old. we have been through brief separations in the past but I have never heard those words come out of her mouth. We still see each other frequently because of the kids and on occasion she will ask if I need anything when she is out at the store which confuses me. She says that she is sorry that she feels this way, and that she is angry at herself, but it is out of her control. To complicate matters this comes at a time where I will most likely have to move 1200 miles away from her and the kids for my job. She has agreed to go to counseling, but I don't feel that her heart is really in it. Is there anything I can do. I feel like I have failed my family. Link to post Share on other sites
HopelessinDTW Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 I am new to this forum and hope that someone can help. My wife and I are separating and I don't know what I can do to stop it. She says that she loves me but is no longer in love with me. Currently she is staying with her mother and has the kids who are 3 and 4 years old. we have been through brief separations in the past but I have never heard those words come out of her mouth. We still see each other frequently because of the kids and on occasion she will ask if I need anything when she is out at the store which confuses me. She says that she is sorry that she feels this way, and that she is angry at herself, but it is out of her control. To complicate matters this comes at a time where I will most likely have to move 1200 miles away from her and the kids for my job. She has agreed to go to counseling, but I don't feel that her heart is really in it. Is there anything I can do. I feel like I have failed my family. kbk: I am sorry about your situation. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do. The line she's giving you in many instances signals that she's either looking for another relationship, or is in one currently. But, note that this is not your fault!! This is her problem...it's something that she needs to work through. Give her space, and it sounds like you will since you're going to be far away. Keep in touch with the kids, and always remember that you're their father....You need to think about them and yourself at this point. When she's ready to work things out she has to be the one that needs to approach you. Take care, and read the stories here that are all very similar to yours. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
oldfashiongirlie Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 It does sound like she needs some space, there is always crisis in marriage, maybe you're in one of those, but for now it will be best to wait for her to come around. And it is up to you to move on, cause i know it is hard to realize something you were so used to having can be over, just like that. Good luck and hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kbk Posted July 28, 2010 Author Share Posted July 28, 2010 I would just like to clarify on a few things. I don't think that she is having another relationship or is looking for one. I asked her if we should see other people and she didn't want to. I think she is confused about what to do. Considering our past experieces I think she is scared to try again. However, she confuses me because everyonce in a while she will text or call for what I would consider "frivolous" reasons. For instance she called and invited me to lunch with her and the kids. I am still not sure how to take this or if I should even give it a second thought. Today she called me from Walmart and I asked if I would like a new coffee maker for work. I said that I am trying to save my money right now. She said that she wanted to buy it because she wanted to do something for me. This confuses me??? Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 I would just like to clarify on a few things. I don't think that she is having another relationship or is looking for one. I asked her if we should see other people and she didn't want to. I think she is confused about what to do. Considering our past experieces I think she is scared to try again. However, she confuses me because everyonce in a while she will text or call for what I would consider "frivolous" reasons. For instance she called and invited me to lunch with her and the kids. I am still not sure how to take this or if I should even give it a second thought. Today she called me from Walmart and I asked if I would like a new coffee maker for work. I said that I am trying to save my money right now. She said that she wanted to buy it because she wanted to do something for me. This confuses me??? "I love you but I'm not in love with you..." I'm in love with someone else. Random nice things that seem weird to you? She's feeling guilty about SOMETHING. Since you don't suspect her of anything--meaning you think you know where she is all the time--I'll guess an online EA with an ex. I hope I'm wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 I don't think that she is having another relationship or is looking for one. No one thinks that at first KBK, and we're extremely receptive to any information or signals that validates that hope and belief. But understand that the 'love/not in love' line is classic womanese for being in love with someone else. Sorry to say, but it has played out countless times. I asked her if we should see other people and she didn't want to. She doesn't want you to see other people KBK. Understand that she's hoping you'll stand pat while she makes up her mind...whenever (or what ever) that might be. The gifts, calls and constant contact sounds like a mixture of fear (losing you before she's ready) and guilt. See, people are often wishy-washy when none of their current options thrill them. In her mind, making matters worse would be letting a perfectly good husband (and father) go before she's got the safety net fortified. Bottom line, if she really loved you, she'd fight tooth and nail to keep you home and with her...even if she is unhappy or generally depressed. You can't work on a troubled marriage while separated...at least, effectively. Time to go NC/LC and let her mull it over. No talk about the relationship. feelings, nothing. Just the kids and finances. Let her go. If she comes back...then you can decide if you really want her or not. Be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
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