Getting my ex back - few tips needed

[spyyder]

I'm trying to get back with my ex after she left me 2 or so months ago. I don't need advice about things like how I need to chance, realize my mistakes, etc as I already have. I've been on dates with other girls and I can now see how stupid/wrong I was.

 

After a good conversation today, I told her that if she ever has any problems, or is in trouble, she knows who to talk to (me). She does have some small family, money and house problems, so saying it is definitely something she'll think about.

 

What I'm wondering is if this was a good idea? Should I 'be there' for her when she needs me, or will that just drive her to another guy? If I want me ex back, is it a good idea to be positive with her, be there for her, and be interested with what she's up to...or is this killing my chances? I've noticed that since I've been asking how is she doing (after she asks me) she's definitely more chatty and calls me more.

Edited July 28, 2010 by spyyder

[jsa100100]

uhh doesn't sound like a good road, but then again, you brightening her day could be a good sign.

 

Whats more important is that you have a plan of attack on what CAUSED the breakup, and be ready to implement it no matter how hard it is, since otherwise you're definitely in for more heartache.

 

But even before that, you need to find out what her true feelings are. Start moving forward, bringing the possibility of a relationship again. If she keeps rejecting you, you're just an emotional crutch. Hope that helps.

[boltsfan17]

I don't think it was a bad idea that you told her you would be there for her or you showing interest in her life.

 

Since you've been having contact with her, you should maybe ask her out to lunch or coffee. As jsa said, you really need to find out what her feelings are. You can ask her if she's had any thought about the relationship and the possibility of getting back together.

 

If she just wants to be friends, you can do one of two things. You can either tell her it's all or nothing or be her friend. Being her friend, she can see that you've realized your mistakes and have changed to fix them. That can possibly open the door to rekindling the relationship. That bad part to that is if nothing ever comes of it, you will be setting yourself up for more heartache. If you want to go the friend route, see how things go for a month or two. If nothing comes of it, I would start cutting off contact and move on.

[DustySaltus]

Well, she should be the one who initiates the contact. You have given the power back to her. What needed to happen was for you to go NC and hopefully she came back saying she made a mistake and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Then at that point you could say, "Well, we need to work on X, Y & Z and then we could consider it" (if you really wanted to).

 

If you get back with her under these circumstances the problems may go away for a while but they will eventually come back, because they always do. When people truly care about you they don't leave you when other things in their life get hairy. They lean on you for support.

 

The only way to get an ex back is to not want them back, because that's when then come back.

[Maverick1983]

Hi spydder,you know my situation and I know yours and I suppose their alike in many ways.I also said the same thing to my ex about being there for her etc because she too has issues.The problem with this was she seemed to lose interest and stopped contacting me so like a fool I would contact her and she would talk to me or meet me and it was enjoyable. The problem with this approach is that they somehow regain the power again and it makes their healing process seem easier because they have you to fall back on when it gets tough or they feel alone.

 

I think no matter how you feel,it's alot more appealing to her if she feels as though she can't have you.She has to desire you again.I was worried if I remained friends that eventually when she used my support to heal that she may realise that she can go on without me as her bf and then when the day comes she might meet another guy, well I didn't want to hang around to feel what that is like because I have suffered enough as far as i'm concerned and I think you have too mate.I think we deserve someone who accepts us for our flaws and wants to be with us.It's a simple question you are asking her.Do you want to get back together?If she can't answer that then she doesn't have confidence in you and in yer relationship.This is just my opinion but I wouldn't like to see you go through more hell in your pursuit.Ya you made mistakes and yes you feel guilty but I did too but I realised that I was being too hard on myself and I think you are too.

 

You never cheated and you never physically abused her so nothing is unforgivable and I'm sorry to say this but sometimes that girl who you love just simply doesn't feel the same way and really just wants your friendship and support.If you feel like you can't go on doing that then issue an ultimatum and tell her it's all or nothing.At least you will have clarity and be one step closer to closure.Best of luck.

[spyyder]

Thanks Maverick1983 your experience is something I'll definitely take a note of, and I'll try to churn out a different result. Boltsfan17 thankyou so much for at least mentioning that I should meet up with her to see how she feels and DustySaltus...yep what you said is what I should have done, but I've already gone too far off track to do that.

 

What I'm planning to do is meet up with her (she already said yes) this sunday for an hour, just for lunch & bowling -I'll have a list of funny things to say & talk about to ensure she has a good time, I'll also make sure I look better than ever. When I end the meet up, I'll make sure that its when she's having a good time. I don't want to assess if she's into me yet, as I want to give her more time to think about it, so when the time comes to tell her that its all or nothing she has more things to take into account.

 

I'll then go NC for a week and after that I'll ask if she wants to go for a fun trip for a day .I won't tell her where, I'll say its a surprise (she trusts me enough to not be afraid lol). I'll take her to an amusement park (1 hour away - so they're be lots of chatting on the way & back) where we can spend the whole day together. I'll have lots of jokes saved up and I'll try to act like a couple. The reason why I want to take her to this amusement park is because it's the place where we first mutually decided to spend the rest of our lives together. We didn't know each other really well, and were only together for 2 months or so, but after having a great time we actually started talking about marriage, house, etc as we were waiting in the 1-hour long queues to the rides lol! Waiting in the queues will allow me to hold her and generally just behave like we're a couple. I'm only going to attempt to kiss her towards the end of the trip.

 

When I drop her off home after coming back from the amusement park I'll tell her that I don't need her, I'm happy without her, but I REALLY want her (I won't tell her that I'm actually still in love with her). I'll ask if she wants to give us another go, nothing serious, just more casual bf & gf. If it's a yes then I'll tell her how I think we should work on X, Y and Z and ask her about what she thinks. I'll then work hard to make sure I do everything right and not mess up. Man I so ****ing hope she says yes.

 

If she says no then I'll consider us permanently over...after all I did so much and did everything I could so getting a no after that will make me realize that there's no point in hoping. Yes it will be serious heartbreak but at least I'll have real closure. What do you guys/girls think about this plan????

 

I was also thinking about waiting a few days after the amusement park trip and try to incorporate having sex with her between that time, AND THEN asking her a few days later. I know she hasn't had sex with anyone since we broke up, and the last time I saw her (we were broken up) she had no problem changing naked in front of me. Again...what do you guys/girls think???

Edited July 29, 2010 by spyyder

[Maverick1983]

Hi spyyder,I think your idea is a good one and I actually am really holding out hope for you and I hope you get your girl back.I know you want to be prepared but make sure to be yourself too because that's what attracted her in the first place.Don't even factor in sex yet because that can complicate things sometimes just focus on showing her a good time and being good company.You will soon have clarity on things so put on a brave face and go get what you want but also remember you deserve to be happy too bud.As always best of luck and keep us posted and we will help as best we can.

[DustySaltus]

I'll ask if she wants to give us another go, nothing serious, just more casual bf & gf. If it's a yes then I'll tell her how I think we should work on X, Y and Z and ask her about what she thinks. I'll then work hard to make sure I do everything right and not mess up. Man I so ****ing hope she says yes.

 

 

You can take her to the amusement park, have a candlelight dinner, give her a massage, go bowling, write her a song, cook for her and make her laugh until the end of time.

 

But it's HER responsibility to tell you that SHE wants to work on X, Y and Z. It's NEVER too late for you to back off and have her admit that.

 

If I were you I would back off on this date and go NC. If she comes back, it would be for the right reasons. You want to take her out and reward her for the decision that she made, it's not the way to turn this thing around....if it's even capable of happening. I've seen this story a thousand times on this board.

 

If you do this, you will be giving her all the power and the same issues will resurface down the line.

 

If someone wants to get back with you. THEY DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU ASK THEM! They tell you, they run down the block screaming it.......she hasn't done any of that.

 

Make yourself unavailable and if she comes back saying she made a mistake then you'll have a decision to make, that's my advice to you.

[spellcatcher]

There is no one way to get someone back... it all depends on the personalities, history and circumstances. Dusty's idea of it seems to be more like the scene of from a movie than anything a girl will ever do... if you want to sit hoping for that... you can wait for the rest of your life and ask yourself what if.. and wonder why not.

 

It won't happen. Not that way.

 

Your plan is good, be honest, be yourself... but don't stage it as though it is a space shuttle launch or set time frames and expectations... an ultimatum will scare anyone away regardless the intentions they had because it puts pressure on a recent wound... it introduces coercion into a delicate situation.

 

Some of my friends who have gotten back together did so by being open and honest... and just hanging out again and seeing those things they fell in love with each other for in the first place... it just happens naturally... and as most things will not happen if forced.

 

Best of luck.

[ar1]

This has been my course of action as of late (disclaimer: all situations are different, so what may work for someone else may not work for you). Some background is that we were together for 4 years and in the end I pretty much dropped the ball (i.e. I was never there for her).

 

I cut contact immediately post breakup; the reasoning behind it was to let the dust settle. Timing things is crucial IMO with this period, in that you have to reconnect before she completely accepts it's over, but not too early either. I gave it 3.5 weeks and slowly reengaged things.

 

Within this timeframe, I began to reflect on what exactly went wrong and things I could do to make things better; going to the gym became a pretty regular thing and I intend to keep it that way as well. In this time period, I also took a vacation with a few close friends and really had a great time. After the vacation, I called her to really catch up (this was about a month in, with brief emails prior).

 

We set up a date to meet up again and I planned everything out really smoothly. I went into it treating it as if it were a new thing. Things went as well as they could have and I really focused in on some of the small things she had complained about in the past. She even noticed and commented a few of those things! I made sure not mention anything about our previous relationship.

 

In the meantime, I've been hanging out with old friends from school. More recently, I've been a hermit of sorts so going out with them has been refreshing.

 

And this is where I'm at now, my plan is to rebuild from scratch while improving myself. I know that there's competition at my doorstep at this point in time and in order for me to compete with the "new", I need to be somewhat "new" as well. It'll really be an uphill battle and a tough road ahead of me, but I just need to get it done.

 

One final note/observation is that I think in order for you to be successful, you need to be as emotionally detached as possible in the beginning at least. Don't get me wrong, with women it's all about the emotional connection but what I'm talking about is you really can't make any emotionally charged decisions. If you're raging/emo, you just need to step back and gtfo. While combing through threads on this forum, it seems like to me this is where most people fail at. Also, I think you need to have a very clear idea of what you want and how you're going to get there. However, at the same time you need to be prepared to cut your losses if things are fubar.

 

I posted this quote a buddy of mine said to me in another thread (which will probably go unnoticed), but I'll impart it upon you as well: "You don't her back dude, you knock some sense into her."

[spyyder]

I'm still seeing her tomorrow afternoon. Btw I'm not sure if we should just have lunch or have lunch and do an activity (e.g. bowling)????

 

Also, an interesting development has cropped up, and I REALLY don't know what to do!!!

Today she told me that 2 of her friends are into me and that she could setup a date. I hate it that other girls think that I'm a catch, but my ex doesn't. I'm just wondering why my ex would tell me this, AND offer to arrange a date. Also when she mentioned the girls, I said that I'm not interested in that 'type' (party/slutty) of girl. She then said that they aren't that type, and are nice pretty girls - she was almost pushing me to date either one! During the conversation I kept things humorous, casual and made it seem like I'm totally over her, etc even though deep down it was just killing me - I just didn't want to do anything that might blow my meet up with her tomorrow.

 

Is this because she wants me out of her life and thinks the only way is to get me hitched with someone else (she knows that I've been dating other girls but haven't tried being serious with any)??? I can't think of ANY other reason why she would. Another plan I have is to actually date one of the girls casually and hope that it makes my ex realize that she's missing out on and about to lose? I remember reading a thread on LS about a girl that pushed her ex to date another girl so that her ex would leave her alone, and then after a while realized her mistake and wanted him back...

 

Anyway for now I'm focusing on my date/meetup with my ex tomorrow. Thanks for the tip, I'll just be myself...after all when she was once in love with me, I was nothing but myself the whole time. So....should I do lunch or lunch & bowling?

Edited July 31, 2010 by spyyder

[xpaperxcutx]

Lol, honestly for a second I didn't think this thread was real.

 

Do you really want your ex back so badly?

 

Alright then....

 

You tell her you need time alone to get over the break up and put up an obvious hint that you'll still want to be friends.

 

Then for two months ( depending on your timeline) you workout hard, eat right, focus on your dreams and goals, and bam! the day you actually see her again, you're a hot, gorgeous and totally nonchalant. You give her a good kiss on the cheeks and ask how she's been doing. Take her out to dinner and flash that million dollar watt of smile at her, and converse with her all the while checking out the other chicks around you. Hey, do bring up conversations about her friends and see if she'd like to set you up with them.

 

After dinner, you take her to an activity where you're holding her alot ( and I mean alot, where you actually feel each other's body heat ( that would surely leave her hot and bothered) then end the night by dropping her at her house and giving her a short peck on the cheeks.

 

Avoid contact with her for two days. She might be the first to contact you. IF she doesn't you get in contact with her.

 

The perfect way to get back at her is to make her jealous as much as possible... flirt with her friends, treat her like she's a buddy......

 

 

Really jealousy always makes an ex flare.

[xpaperxcutx]

I posted this quote a buddy of mine said to me in another thread (which will probably go unnoticed), but I'll impart it upon you as well: "You don't her back dude, you knock some sense into her."

 

Stealing this quote and tweaking it.

[spyyder]

Thanks for the tip xpaperxcutx. Yes I want her back really badly, I love her. I'm more relaxed now and do many fun things/activities to try to be less needy. However, every time I enjoy something, I wish that she was with me so I could share the enjoyment.

 

I'll take your tip about checking other girls out during the meetup/date. I reckon that it'll make her jealous, think that I've moved on and consider her a buddy (like you said).

[IfiKnewThen]

spyyder-

 

please visualize things working out. you do have the right idea when it comes to females. even if she doesnt respond to you right away, hang IN THERE. we females come to miss a good guy one way or the other....trust me. you wont be the loser in the end if she refuses you. she will be. so........

 

winners have good visuals and implement good ideas at the right opportunity/time. success come from believing its possible. it's certainly worth a try. not trying is hard to come to terms with. know you did all you can do. the pro's tell you how to treat a woman...(like john gray in men are from mars woman are from venus) of course there has to be cemistry. but love bonds can be created and help stimulate any chemistry that is there for her towards you.

 

when i guy messes up a woman wants him to try harder..(not stalk her of course) but try harder and come back!!! please keep up the good work and dont get discouraged so easily. but don't be a pset either and bug her. just be loving and kind and be her friend. you can also live while you wait instead of waiting to live but ...be fair to her and to others too. if you are satisfied you have done all you can..without being obsessed...then move on knowing you did your best

[ar1]

Stealing this quote and tweaking it.

 

It was a bit early in the morning when I typed that so I accidentally omitted a word: "You don't win her back dude, you knock some sense into her"

[spyyder]

Just got back from my meet up with my ex, after not seeing her for a month. We just had lunch and it went quite well, she said she had a good time. It was actually 1 and a half hours, but we both felt it was much shorter. I only planned it to be 1 hour but I lost track of time.

 

I said that she looked good, and she said that I look good too. I then said that she looked better (than before) and she said the same about me. She said that I've really changed (looks - in a good way), and I know that is because I've really been taking care of myself more. I also noticed that she put in a lot of effort to look good for our meet up.

 

I don't quite understand these things she said:

"I really hope you don't forget me when you get a new girl"

"she's pretty, smart, 21 and a size 6...do you want to date my friend?"

 

She showed me a picture on her phone of her friend that is into me. I was surprised how good looking she was, and I then remembered seeing the friend a long time ago at a club, and she did catch my eye. My ex is actually setting up a date for me with her....any thought on this guys??? What's really going on?? I'll admit that I do like her friend (based on her picture) and like that she's actually looking for a boyfriend.

 

Thoughts guys???

[xpaperxcutx]

Just got back from my meet up with my ex, after not seeing her for a month. We just had lunch and it went quite well, she said she had a good time. It was actually 1 and a half hours, but we both felt it was much shorter. I only planned it to be 1 hour but I lost track of time.

 

I said that she looked good, and she said that I look good too. I then said that she looked better (than before) and she said the same about me. She said that I've really changed (looks - in a good way), and I know that is because I've really been taking care of myself more. I also noticed that she put in a lot of effort to look good for our meet up.

 

I don't quite understand these things she said:

"I really hope you don't forget me when you get a new girl"

"she's pretty, smart, 21 and a size 6...do you want to date my friend?"

 

She showed me a picture on her phone of her friend that is into me. I was surprised how good looking she was, and I then remembered seeing the friend a long time ago at a club, and she did catch my eye. My ex is actually setting up a date for me with her....any thought on this guys??? What's really going on?? I'll admit that I do like her friend (based on her picture) and like that she's actually looking for a boyfriend.

 

Thoughts guys???

 

Honestly, you don't know what you want, and this just proves it. I really don't think you're ready to date, least of all getting back with the ex. You're so wrapped with thoughts about getting back with her that if you do date her friend and actually like her in the process, you'll find yourself in a hole.

[ar1]

To be honest, it doesn't sound good at all that she's telling you to date her friend; and if you look at my previous posts I'm not a negative nancy like many here.

[Don Ho]

Spyyder. Not to ruin your day, but I think she's done. You keep doing all these things to try to win her over or get her back; amusement park, dates, showing her a good time. All for not. It doesn't matter what you do, what you tell her. It's all about how SHE feels. From the looks of it, she is not "feeling" it for you as a romantic partner anymore. I think you jumped on the date situation too soon with her. She should have been the one begging to see you and get back together. You should have kept NC until she dropped at your feet and told YOU that she wanted to try again.

 

If she tells you she has two cute friends for you, then do it! She's telling you that she's not that into you. I would go out with both her friends, make sure they have a great time and do not talk to your Ex about the dates and go no contact with her. Show the friends how great you are. And who knows, either your actions make her jealous and she finds out she wants you back or one of the two girls become your girlfriend. Either way, you have to operate from a position of strength. Oh and don't be "friends" with her or suggest you will, that either makes you look like a doormat or a pussy. Not appealing.

[IfiKnewThen]

you guys are young. i remember when i was young my friends and i did that stupid thing with showing pics to guys and asking if you wanted to meet the friend. and it always turned out we did get jealous when they did date the friend. contrary to whatever one might say..i do think she is interested in you. if she pushed the envelope with the friend..she would find out how much. dont give up just yet...

[boltsfan17]

Out of curiosity, how long were you two together before she ended the relationship?

 

Did you bring up anything about the relationship with your ex during lunch?

 

Who knows why she would try to set you up with her friend. Maybe she is just testing you to see if you are over her or not. If you didn't do it during lunch with your ex, you should call/text and ask her if she's thought at all about the relationship. If she doesn't sound like she is interested in getting back together, you should go out on a date with her friend. If it goes well, continue going out with her friend. At the same time, I would go NC with your ex. That way, the only information she will have about you is from her friend. If things go well on those dates, maybe your ex may start to think about things again and want you back hearing how great you are from her friend.

 

You never know, things may end up going well with her friend and you could find yourself wanting her and not thinking about getting back with your ex. I do believe your ex still has feelings for you. I don't know if she is trying to play games or what, but you should remain strong and go on those dates. Remember though, cut off all contact with your ex after you go on the date.

[spyyder]

Out of curiosity, how long were you two together before she ended the relationship?

 

Did you bring up anything about the relationship with your ex during lunch?

 

Who knows why she would try to set you up with her friend. Maybe she is just testing you to see if you are over her or not. If you didn't do it during lunch with your ex, you should call/text and ask her if she's thought at all about the relationship. If she doesn't sound like she is interested in getting back together, you should go out on a date with her friend. If it goes well, continue going out with her friend. At the same time, I would go NC with your ex. That way, the only information she will have about you is from her friend. If things go well on those dates, maybe your ex may start to think about things again and want you back hearing how great you are from her friend.

 

You never know, things may end up going well with her friend and you could find yourself wanting her and not thinking about getting back with your ex. I do believe your ex still has feelings for you. I don't know if she is trying to play games or what, but you should remain strong and go on those dates. Remember though, cut off all contact with your ex after you go on the date.

 

We were together for 1 year and 2-3 months. It was a VERY eventful time, we went through so much together. During our relationship, we were only apart for a few hours a day/week, and when we were apart we ALWAYS talked on the phone (I had to get an unlimited plan). I really miss what I had so much tbh, I'd still do anything to get that back.

 

During the meet up, one of the first things she mentioned was that she wasn't looking for anyone right now and doesn't see the point in having a boyfriend! I laughed at that, but took it as a hint that I shouldn't bring up the relationship anytime soon. I'm thinking to date her friend, because in the end of the day I'll either get my ex back (when she realizes what she just let go of), or start something new with the friend - my ex thinks that she's the type of girl I'd want & need.

 

A few people have told my ex that she's made a mistake and that I was great for her, but nobody that has actually dated me has told her that yet. I'm hoping my ex will realize what she's letting go when her friend says what a great guy I am (yes....I'll make sure that I am the best bf I can be).

 

If I do date her friend, I'm still sticking with my initial plan to take my ex to the amusement park where we someone all of a sudden mutually decided that we would be together forever. I still want to keep 'my eye on the prize'.

Edited August 2, 2010 by spyyder

[DustySaltus]

I'm just going to be honest and say that you are in complete denial.

[boltsfan17]

I know it's tough, but she doesn't sound like she is interested in a relationship right now. Honestly, you really need to cut off contact with her and start going on dates with her friend. Give your ex some space. If a few people already have told her she's made a mistake, I wouldn't get your hopes up if her friend starts telling her good things about you. I would hold off on your plan to take your ex to the amusement park. Start going on dates with her friend and see what happens from there.

 

You need to give it some time. Just focus on this other girl for the next month or so. After a month, you can take your ex out to lunch again and see if she says anything about having a relationship. Maybe you should take her friend to the amusement park.