Getting my ex back - few tips needed

[DustySaltus]

I know it's tough, but she doesn't sound like she is interested in a relationship right now. Honestly, you really need to cut off contact with her and start going on dates with her friend. Give your ex some space. If a few people already have told her she's made a mistake, I wouldn't get your hopes up if her friend starts telling her good things about you. I would hold off on your plan to take your ex to the amusement park. Start going on dates with her friend and see what happens from there.

 

You need to give it some time. Just focus on this other girl for the next month or so. After a month, you can take your ex out to lunch again and see if she says anything about having a relationship. Maybe you should take her friend to the amusement park.

 

?????

 

Stay away from both of these girls. The OP does not like her friend, he likes HER. It wouldn't ge genuine to begin with and the ex will be let off the hook.

 

No matter what activity you choose the best thing you can give someone else is your COMPANY. Anything else is just artificial nonsense.

 

Let her understand what she has lost by not being available to her anymore.

 

You're not good enough for her but your good enough for one of her friends? What kind of nonsense is that?

[Maverick1983]

IMO spyyder this is not a good i.e dating her friend.I can't see any logical reason why your ex would suggest this to be honest.I really don't think you should get her friend involved because after awhile I think you will realise that you are only using her as an oppurtunity to get your ex back.If I were you I would bide my time and try and get a better read on things before committing to anything.

[spyyder]

I'm not going to date her friend. I posted what my ex said: "she's pretty, smart, 21 and a size 6...do you want to date my friend?" in the 'what they really are saying' thread in the coping section, a person translated that my ex was really trying to let me date someone sub-standard so that I wouldn't forget about her. I realized (can't believe I had to post it on LS to do so!) that my ex is only going to set me up with someone that isn't as good as her, and my ex must know of some underlying problem the girl has that will bother me/make our relationship miserable.

 

Anyway, my ex and I went to the amusement park yesterday and spent the whole day there together. We actually had a good time. There was lots of bonding, and she thanked me about 4 times for taking her with me and said was glad she went. At the end we did hold hands, hugged a lot and because there were couples everywhere I think my ex started to miss being in a relationship.

 

I am trying to get her back, but at the same time if I don't get her back at least I'll have real closure. Right now I keep thinking that I can get another chance if I play it right and show that I'm different now, so that's what is keeping me from moving on...the hope.

 

I'm planning to ask her to go clubbing at the end of the week or mid next week, at a club near my place so that after clubbing she'll want to crash at my place rather than go home. She did say a few days ago that she still wants to have sex with me (I'm her 'god' in bed) so I'll take her up on that offer . In the morning I'll ask her if she'd like to casually date. If she says no then I'll go full NC (it'll be easier when I don't have anymore hope).

 

Thoughts??? What do you guys think? Any tips?

Edited August 5, 2010 by spyyder

[DustySaltus]

I think you continue to ignore the fact that the best way for yourself to get better and possibly get her back down the line would be for you to DISAPPEAR. She's trying to hook you up with a friend to lessen the guilt. She also seems to want to have power over you without the commitment.

 

So let's summarize:

 

She broke up with you.

 

She tries to hook you up with her friend, instead of saying that SHE wants to work things out. Why would someone who truly wanted to be with you do this?

 

It seems like she misses the thought of being in a relationship but doesn't want to put the work in that comes along with it.

 

 

....and you're going ask her if she wants to casually date again?

 

You have this plan to take her out to the club and spend the night. That's not going to fundamentally FIX the relationship. It's like putting a band aid on a gunshot wound. Unless the problems that led to the breakup are fixed, it's all just a temporary fix. I know you want to put in the effort, be she has to want to as well.

 

Make your own closure and begin the healing process for yourself. She's the one that broke up with you. SHE is the ONE who should show that SHE IS DIFFERENT, not YOU.

[ar1]

I'm not going to date her friend. I posted what my ex said: "she's pretty, smart, 21 and a size 6...do you want to date my friend?" in the 'what they really are saying' thread in the coping section, a person translated that my ex was really trying to let me date someone sub-standard so that I wouldn't forget about her. I realized (can't believe I had to post it on LS to do so!) that my ex is only going to set me up with someone that isn't as good as her, and my ex must know of some underlying problem the girl has that will bother me/make our relationship miserable.

 

Anyway, my ex and I went to the amusement park yesterday and spent the whole day there together. We actually had a good time. There was lots of bonding, and she thanked me about 4 times for taking her with me and said was glad she went. At the end we did hold hands, hugged a lot and because there were couples everywhere I think my ex started to miss being in a relationship.

 

I am trying to get her back, but at the same time if I don't get her back at least I'll have real closure. Right now I keep thinking that I can get another chance if I play it right and show that I'm different now, so that's what is keeping me from moving on...the hope.

 

I'm planning to ask her to go clubbing at the end of the week or mid next week, at a club near my place so that after clubbing she'll want to crash at my place rather than go home. She did say a few days ago that she still wants to have sex with me (I'm her 'god' in bed) so I'll take her up on that offer . In the morning I'll ask her if she'd like to casually date. If she says no then I'll go full NC (it'll be easier when I don't have anymore hope).

 

Thoughts??? What do you guys think? Any tips?

 

Not to be an *******, but that's one of the craziest rationalizations I've ever heard (i.e. date someone sub-standard so that I wouldn't forget about he).

 

I think you continue to ignore the fact that the best way for yourself to get better and possibly get her back down the line would be for you to DISAPPEAR. She's trying to hook you up with a friend to lessen the guilt. She also seems to want to have power over you without the commitment.

 

So let's summarize:

 

She broke up with you.

 

She tries to hook you up with her friend, instead of saying that SHE wants to work things out. Why would someone who truly wanted to be with you do this?

 

It seems like she misses the thought of being in a relationship but doesn't want to put the work in that comes along with it.

 

 

....and you're going ask her if she wants to casually date again?

 

You have this plan to take her out to the club and spend the night. That's not going to fundamentally FIX the relationship. It's like putting a band aid on a gunshot wound. Unless the problems that led to the breakup are fixed, it's all just a temporary fix. I know you want to put in the effort, be she has to want to as well.

 

Make your own closure and begin the healing process for yourself. She's the one that broke up with you. SHE is the ONE who should show that SHE IS DIFFERENT, not YOU.

 

I respectfully disagree, at risk of being too general, there are special cases, but for the most part I believe both parties need to change. People grow apart, someone drops the ball, the dumpee is too needy, etc.. those seem to be all situations where one party needs to change their attitude and another needs to work on their issues.

[EthanH]

I have no idea what she is doing with respect to her trying to get you to date her friend. No idea, only she knows I think. It's a weird thing to do, but in my opinion, what she is doing is either:

 

1)she is over you, but is sad she hurt you, and her friend has told her what a great guy you are, and she has said... 'you should date him...'

BUT the main thing is, do you think her friend would really be open about liking you and the potential for dating if your ex wasn't really clear with her that she had no interest in you? This is the main point, her friend wouldn't go anywhere near you unless your ex made it totally clear she is over you!

 

2) the only other thing I can think is that in some kind of immature, warped way, she is too scared to show her cards, so by asking you to date her friend, she is somehow trying, in a roundabout way, to judge if you still like her. By asking, if you say 'yeah, she is hot' she will think you are over her. It's like she is somehow trying to test you.

 

Now, one thing i will say is that reading about your relationship with your ex, it has all the hallmarks of a young relationship where it is two quite dependent people together and what always happens is one of them outgrows the relationship. Spending all your time together, you had no life outside each other. The truth is, there is more to life than being with a partner, and I think that is what she has realised, in many ways when you realise this, it is intoxicating, you get a rush of excitement from the realisation that you are ok on your own. Also, don't tell her you are there for her, essentially as a friend, unless you are happy with being just, and only that... she will see you are a friend, a crutch to lean on when things go badly, and that is going to be so destructive for you if you want more than that. Be straight with her. If you are happy to play games etc etc, continue to see her in this delusional way, but if you want to move on properly and have a chance of being happy with someone else, you have to stop these games, as the only one who is going to get hurt by it is you...

Edited August 5, 2010 by EthanH

[spyyder]

My ex's friend was something I thought about to keep my mind off my ex. But deep down I still want my ex more than anything. I've been on about half a dozen dates, some on 2nds, so I know that dating my ex's friend will be no different - I'll still want me ex over anyone.

 

I think I've mostly convinced my ex that I'm over her, as she talks on the phone to me much more, and wouldn't have agreed to go to the amusement park with me if she thought otherwise. It has been hard, and there were times I accidentally called her a few pet names we had, but I then covered it up by saying it was just because of habit.

 

Yesterday after going to the amusement park with my ex I went to my parents house and slept over. In the early morning (today) someone called saying my brother is in the hospital because he collapsed after a drunk night out. The first thing I thought of was if there was a way to use the situation to get my ex to come see me, or if I could use it as an excuse to see my ex and get comfort from her. How terrible is that? How terrible of me to feel like that right? My brother is ok, and I did chose to see him rather than try to see my ex, but I still don't know what to think about the way I felt at that moment. I care about my brother, but I cared more about using his bad situation to get closer to my ex

 

I just cried for about an hour, just remembering how great it was when I had my ex and all the small mistakes I did. I'm now at work, and I remember when my ex use to visit me and sit really close to me (I have a conference-sized desk with a few chairs), and how I use to slightly move her or my chair away as I wanted space to do work....right now I feel so bad and would do anything to have my ex want to visit & sit close to me again, I wouldn't mind not being able to work I'm thinking of telling my ex that I still love her. Is this a good idea? Do you think this will push her away if I tell her that I still love her without crying, sounding sad. I just want to say 'I still love you babe' with a smile. I don't expect anything from it, I just would REALLY like to say it to her, just obviously I don't want it to ruin my chances.

Edited August 5, 2010 by spyyder

[EthanH]

I know you are emotional. I know it is hard. But the simple truth is, YOU ARE NOT HELPING YOURSELF!

 

take a step back from this, and look at your last post. You seem to think it is a good thing that you seem to have 'convinced' your ex that you are 'over her' and yet by the end of the post you are talking about the reality of the situation, whereby you are crying and wanting to tell her you love her.

 

<<if you play games, and suggest something which isn't how you feel, don't feel aggrieved when she believes you and acts accordingly.>>

 

You need to pull yourself together, and be a man, because you aren't helping you or your chances with not just her, but anyone at the moment. You aren't over her, so why pretend any different. All this 'i'm over you' nonsense might make sense at the time, might make you feel stronger, but the problem with it is that it is all false; sure you feel better when you have a plan and you have something to work towards even if you have no idea if it will work, but there are times, like when you were at work and she wasn't sitting next to you, when you feel terrible.

 

Do the intelligent thing, make it clear to her that you still like her, and then get some respect for yourself and cut her out of your life... no amusement parks, no mutual friends and games to look like you are strong, nothing, because while you keep hanging onto hope, you will never allow yourself to get over her. Getting over her doesn't mean the end, it just means you are able to live your life, have fun, and not feel miserable with the modest highs of hope and massive lows of despairing reality. She will see you as a stronger person for it, a man... someone she can aspire to again, rather than merely a safe option to call upon when her ego needs boosting.

 

The thing is, I know what it is like to be where you are, you can get all the good advice in the world, but you still cling onto hope of things with her, because no one could really know the situation, and yet people on here have been where you are now, they aren't horrible doom-mongers, they are just realistic about things, which is something you, drugged up on emotion are clearly not.

 

If you continue to do the things which are going to lead to you having even more pain with this, don't be shocked when you feel down... the worst part is, you allowed yourself to be that way. Start thinking for yourself for a while, build up your self confidence, get a new group of friends who you don't associate with these times, set yourself goals and do things YOU enjoy... become a healthier person, because flatlining on life will just leave you to be alone and miserable. Imagine an amazing situation in the future, where she realises she made a mistake, that you really are an amazing guy, and yet you aren't interested, because you have met someone who is better than her...

[TheEdge1980]

spyyder-

 

please visualize things working out. you do have the right idea when it comes to females. even if she doesnt respond to you right away, hang IN THERE. we females come to miss a good guy one way or the other....trust me. you wont be the loser in the end if she refuses you. she will be. so........

 

winners have good visuals and implement good ideas at the right opportunity/time. success come from believing its possible. it's certainly worth a try. not trying is hard to come to terms with. know you did all you can do. the pro's tell you how to treat a woman...(like john gray in men are from mars woman are from venus) of course there has to be cemistry. but love bonds can be created and help stimulate any chemistry that is there for her towards you.

 

when i guy messes up a woman wants him to try harder..(not stalk her of course) but try harder and come back!!! please keep up the good work and dont get discouraged so easily. but don't be a pset either and bug her. just be loving and kind and be her friend. you can also live while you wait instead of waiting to live but ...be fair to her and to others too. if you are satisfied you have done all you can..without being obsessed...then move on knowing you did your best

I think that was a great response/advice about women, being that you are a woman, of course. I would greatly appreciate your tips/advice/feelings on my situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240135/

If I hear back from you, thank you so much in advance

[Don Ho]

No offense to IfiKnewthen or women, but that is a bunch of hogwash. If you're talking about you forgot her Birthday or you left the toilet seat up AGAIN then sure you can make efforts to make amends. It doesn't apply to when a woman dumps YOU.

 

I'm a strong believer in NC because I learned the hard way with 30 years of dating and I've tried it all. If you want to have any self-dignity and any opportunity you have to go NC. Other methods than NC might work in a very few, unique situation with particular couples, but don't rationalize or fool yourself into thinking you are one of the few.

 

That said, Spyyder, DO NOT tell her you love her. It's not how YOU feel about her or how much YOU love her it's only about how SHE feels about YOU. Get it?? Telling her you love her is not going to increase her feelings for you nor make her love you. In fact, it's likely to make her retreat even further and give you NO chance at any reconciliation. You really need to go read a bunch of David DeAngelo's letters and materials and maybe even some of Doc Love. Until then, you won't "get it"

 

You have heard the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Did you think a bunch of fools have carried that saying around for years and years for no reason? No, it's plain old good advice your grandmother might have told you. If absence doesn't make her fonder, than it is NOT meant to be .... and believe me, the right woman will come along even though right now you're convinced she is "THE ONE".

 

Spyyder, there is absolutely NO REASON for you to tell her you love her. NONE. In the long run it will not make you feel better and probably make you feel worse. Now, REALLY think about this: if an ex that you dumped or a girl that you didn't care about told you they loved you, WTH would you say and do? "Gee Thanks, that's sweet"? And what would you think? You would be uncomfortable and want to run for the hills.

 

Stay NC bro. You WILL be fine.

[TheEdge1980]

DO NOT tell her you love her. It's not how YOU feel about her or how much YOU love her it's only about how SHE feels about YOU. Get it?? Telling her you love her is not going to increase her feelings for you nor make her love you. In fact, it's likely to make her retreat even further and give you NO chance at any reconciliation.

I do agree w/ him on that point. However, what DOES work is if SHE tells you she loves you, THEN, and ONLY then, you can say it back. She's not saying it to be kind, she's telling you she loves you because its what she feels in her heart, even if the two of you are not together. I've been in that situation before w/ my ex-gf, Katie. That's what helped us get back together for a 2nd try. The more times that the two of you tell each other "I Love You", then it might be time to get intimate and try having sex again.

 

Until she comes out and says "I Love You" first, DON'T say it yet, and stay away from sex w/ her or any other girl. In the meantime, use NC.

[IfiKnewThen]

the edge: i wrote back to you on the link you had posted. : )

[xpaperxcutx]

My ex's friend was something I thought about to keep my mind off my ex. But deep down I still want my ex more than anything. I've been on about half a dozen dates, some on 2nds, so I know that dating my ex's friend will be no different - I'll still want me ex over anyone.

 

I think I've mostly convinced my ex that I'm over her, as she talks on the phone to me much more, and wouldn't have agreed to go to the amusement park with me if she thought otherwise. It has been hard, and there were times I accidentally called her a few pet names we had, but I then covered it up by saying it was just because of habit.

 

Yesterday after going to the amusement park with my ex I went to my parents house and slept over. In the early morning (today) someone called saying my brother is in the hospital because he collapsed after a drunk night out. The first thing I thought of was if there was a way to use the situation to get my ex to come see me, or if I could use it as an excuse to see my ex and get comfort from her. How terrible is that? How terrible of me to feel like that right? My brother is ok, and I did chose to see him rather than try to see my ex, but I still don't know what to think about the way I felt at that moment. I care about my brother, but I cared more about using his bad situation to get closer to my ex

 

I just cried for about an hour, just remembering how great it was when I had my ex and all the small mistakes I did. I'm now at work, and I remember when my ex use to visit me and sit really close to me (I have a conference-sized desk with a few chairs), and how I use to slightly move her or my chair away as I wanted space to do work....right now I feel so bad and would do anything to have my ex want to visit & sit close to me again, I wouldn't mind not being able to work I'm thinking of telling my ex that I still love her. Is this a good idea? Do you think this will push her away if I tell her that I still love her without crying, sounding sad. I just want to say 'I still love you babe' with a smile. I don't expect anything from it, I just would REALLY like to say it to her, just obviously I don't want it to ruin my chances.

 

I wish I can slap you silly because reading your posts just makes me so angry. I'm angry at you that you're still pining over your ex and playing games knowing how much it hurts you. I'm angry at your ex for wanting to be friends, and not understanding that once you break up ( especially when one's the dumper) it's best to leave the past alone.

 

No matter how much the memories hurt, you have to live in the now, and the now is that you're making yourself into complete fool. Really, how much can she actually want to be back with you when all she has done is push her friends on you. Are you such a doormat that you're willing to do you know you don't want to do?

[TheEdge1980]

the edge: i wrote back to you on the link you had posted. : )

Thank you so much!

[spyyder]

I'm angry at you that you're still pining over your ex and playing games knowing how much it hurts you. I'm angry at your ex for wanting to be friends, and not understanding that once you break up ( especially when one's the dumper) it's best to leave the past alone.

 

I'm the type that takes a while to get into it, but once I'm in I'm REALLY in. When we were together for 1.5 months I wanted to break up with my ex because she had too many problems. It was 1 week after her birthday as I wanted to wait at least 1 week AFTER her birthday (to not be mean). She then told me that she loved me, and wanted to say it before but was hoping for the right moment. I then told her that I love her too (although I didn't!) and decided to not brake up, at least for a while. Eventually we both worked on her problems (it was very hard!) and solved all of them. She really became a good girl, a great girl and my perfect girl. I also changed for her too, and we both thanked each other for making each other better people and bringing out the best in us.

 

When we were together for about 4 months I fell in love with her (when I said 'I love you' I actually meant it), and 6 months later I wanted to marry her. I introduced her to my parents when we were 11 months together and bear in mind that I have NEVER introduced ANY of my gfs to my parents....I didn't want to introduce any girl to my parents until I was 100% sure she was the one because my parents are super traditional and if I introduced more than 1 gf they wouldn't take any of them seriously.

 

I'm so so heavily invested in this girl, and I'm still madly in love with her. I think thats a good enough reason to still try getting her back. Also, I think that getting an ex back is easier than moving on....do you guys think this is true?

 

I now have come to understand that the reason why we broke up is because of my neglectfulness in the last 5 months of our relationship. She put up with my neglectful behavior for 5 months until she snapped. I was the way I was because I thought that my ex would never leave me no matter what, and that I could temporary put her on hold while I focus on work. I regret doing that so much.

 

I'm not expecting a 2nd chance in an existing relationship. What I am trying to do is to someone start dating again from scratch, as if we never met.

 

Spyyder, DO NOT tell her you love her. It's not how YOU feel about her or how much YOU love her it's only about how SHE feels about YOU. Get it?? Telling her you love her is not going to increase her feelings for you nor make her love you. In fact, it's likely to make her retreat even further and give you NO chance at any reconciliation. You really need to go read a bunch of David DeAngelo's letters and materials and maybe even some of Doc Love. Until then, you won't "get it"

 

Yeah I fought out my urge to tell her that I love her. Your right, it would probably get me backwards. Thanks for helping me understand this bro.

 

When I made a hint to my friends that I still love my ex, they started bad mouthing her (most of the stuff isn't actually true) and although they mean well, they don't realize that doing so actually worsens the situation. It's nice that I can at least vent out on LS and get some GOOD advice too.