How long before we can be friends again?

[Universe]

I'm in a beautiful happy long term relationship with my girlfriend. I absolutely love her and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and have children with her.

 

About a year ago a young woman joined my band and we became close friends. She and I are remarkably similar. She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age. I've been happy to take on a sort of mentor type role to her.

 

About 4 months ago a certain drama unfolded that basically forced her to admit to me that she is deeply, madly, and completely in love with me. I wish I hadn't done so - but I confessed that I'd developed inappropriate feelings for her but that I had no desire to end my relationship with my girlfriend.

 

From there I admit that I handled the situation pretty terribly. Things got a little messier before they got cleaner. But by now things have normalized a little bit and we're just trying to move forward. Hopefully I've made it clear enough to her that there is no chance for us - that I want to be with my girlfriend and that's that. I've effectively quelled the inappropriate feelings I had let form.

 

So it's clear now that we need to start NO CONTACT. But we've had a lot of band engagements that have forced us to be together. I know it's hard for her (it's hard for me too, but I can handle it) that when we're together we can't help but have great conversations. We just have so much in common.

 

So I'm trying to re-schedule and postpone all band engagements for a while. But I can only push things off so far. Right now I think I can get us a good month where we won't have to be together. I know that will likely not be enough.

 

She's expressed that it would be easier for her if she didn't have to see me. I know it would be easier for me.

 

So how long? I know it varies for everyone. Maybe there's nothing that can be done. But the band has been enjoying a lot of success since she and I have started working together. We're both vital to the project and everyone involved has a lot invested in it. It has too much potential to let it die. It would be such a shame if we couldn't work things out. Her musical partnership and friendship is extremely valuable to me. And I know that, as a friend and musical partner, I am very good for her too.

 

What is the usual or average length of time people have to do NO CONTACT before they can be friends again?

 

I really really do not want to be one of these guys who keeps a girl on the chain and never lets her get over him. She has to get over me so we can be friends. She has to get over me so our band can continue to enjoy success.

 

How long?

[TaraMaiden]

That's up to her, you can't expect, dictate, stipulate or guess what kind of period it's going to take for her to finally be over you.

 

Your Mission - should you decide to accept it - is to be completely impersonal, professional and above reproach.

You act with courtesy, dignity respect and consideration - just as you would for any work colleague.

 

But give her no hint, no opportunity and absolutely no encouragement whatsoever.

never even let her think or believe there's any remote possibility of you wavering, or straying.

 

That's your job.

 

Her job is to get over you.

And if she wants to - and when she wants to - she will.

It would of course be beneficial to her to meet an admirer.

But what she does, and how she does it, is up to her.

[O'Malley]

As TaraMaiden succinctly stated, you can only bring balance to your part in this situation. Her feelings are something she will have to work out for herself. Treat her as you would any of your male bandmates, neither more or less personal. She's another one of the guys.

 

Be aware that the dynamic between you will never be the same (because there was previously a more than friends impetus on both your sides) but focus on your rehearsals, gigs and touring, your respect for her as a musician and a collaborator, and let what happened previously lay in the past.

[snezana]

It is not a solution for you two not to see each other. Keep focusing on your band. Treat her just like a friend.

 

Put the most focus on your career and on your current girlfriend and then you'll gradually forget this issue.

[Crazy Magnet]

Ask your GF how long she thinks it should be. I assume she knows everything?