supermom Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 I need advise!!! I am married and a mother of one. Recenty, my husband revealed to me that he cheated on me with my sister's friend on a trip out of town he made with my dad while I was preg to get stuff for our comming baby. This was over the 4th of July. Well now our daugher is 15 months and he now told me. I was so upset I wanted to find out all details. I did. I had to investigate everything because I am the type that wants to know EVERYTHING. We are okay, I know we're not going to divorce and we don't even fight, but I still can't get over the fact that he was willing to risk our childs family life over some 16 year old. The sick thing is is that he was 28. Now to me it's horrible what he did, but I feel more upset that it was with what I would consider a child. I am only 24 but I feel that I am a woman, I take care of my family, work at least 45 hours a week and do all that I can. I feel guilty because before we were married or pregnant, I did cheat on him with my soon to be ex husband at the time. We got over it (so I thought) and when he asked me to marry him several months later, I asked him to make sure we were over it before we got married. Well almost 8 months later he was boo hooing to my sisters friend and felt that if he cheated on me he would feel better, and my sister was asleep in the room! He tells me he realized after a few minutes it was a mistake but he pursued her. She lives in the same state my family does and I feel that next time I travel to that area, I want to fight her. The girl lied to me ( I think) and said my husband was telling her he didn't think our daugher was his, but he is swearing he never said that (the timing isn't right either and it didn't go that far) and I was willing to leave my husband if he did say that. I really hate this girl because before I found out, I loved her like a sister. HOW DO YOU GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON? The good thing is that my sister woke up before any sex could happen, but the whole making out and groping will not leave my mind!!! WHAT DO I DO? My main problem is that I used to really look up to and admire my husband, that has been stolen from me. I still love him and I swears nothing else has ever happened since but I don't know. It's like I don't know him like I thought I did. He's a good father and a good husband besides this, but my internal feelings are tainted and I don't know if I can get it back. My husband and I have been friends for 10 years but now what? HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 I feel sorry for your young baby. You 2 have poor morals and are sure to screw up again....the poor child will suffer in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Supermom, I know you are going through a lot of anger, sorrow, and pain right now. Your fury toward the girl in question is understandable although given those feelings it would be best to stay away from her and drop the idea of fighting her altogether. A criminal charge of assault against a minor won't help you at all. Later on, after you've had some time and help in dealing with this issue you may come to understand that your anger toward her is not just. She's 16. Not even finished going through puberty and not yet finished developing emotionally, mentally and physically. An adult male, presumably attractive, comes on to her, flatters her, makes her feel grown up, beautiful, and needed. Like most 16 year olds she had poor judgement. But I don't think she is the bad one here. Your husband however; took advantage of a minor. He exploited a child for his own gratification. And he destroyed your trust and faith in him. You feel like you've lost something that you once valued a great deal. Will you ever get over this. I think only with professional counselling for both of you and some serious psychotherapy for your husband. If you do manage to deal with this as a couple and stay together, one day you may even see that good has come of the healing process. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 This story made me very sad. I am very sorry to hear that sometihng as awful as this has happened to you.. However, I would really reconsider you husband as being the right man to raise a child and be there for you. I have to admit. In my mind there is no excuses for cheating, NONE. So, if I was in your shoes, I would pack up and head out. Cause, not only did you husband shatter your trust, he also got involved with a minor. I don't care how bad your judgement is, there is no excuse for that. I was engaged and with him for five years. I did not marry him, thank god. He was flirting with some women at work. I packed up my stuff, told him to screw and never looked back.. the tohught of him wokring late flirting with some women, who was twice his age made, me sick... I know he never touched, but he might as well have. Cause in my mind he was being distrustful to me. So, I cancelled the wedding and left him.. It wa the hardest thing I ever had to do, but the best decision of my left. So, if my husband, left me home pregnant and then cheating on me with some little 16 year old. I would not even consider him again. I think you should get yourself some counseling. Do yourself a favor and your babies, don't be with a man that would do that to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Supermom, for all the women out there who thought that cheating was the worst thing that could happen, we now realize that cheating WITH A MINOR is even worse. It makes him seem like a child molester. In fact, I guess he IS a child molester. And believe me, if you were the girl's mother, rather than the man's wife, you would be clawing HIS eyes out right now. Clancy said it very well. And what about your sister???? She woke up to see her brother-in-law groping her young friend!!! In the same room!!! If I were that sister, I would be a trembling, shaking mass of confusion and fear. Teenaged girls need to be able to trust that the men in their family just will not DO "things" like that. I would worry that he'll target my SISTER next. Honestly, what would stop him? And then your sister learns from you that it is the GIRL'S fault and she's gonna get her a$$ kicked by you. Well, that pretty well guarantees that she won't come to you for help if/when her f**d up brother in law sticks his hand up her skirt. What a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 that 16 yr old is gonna be messed up now, she was too young, mentally and legally. He should be in prison for what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 EXCUSE ME! I asked for advise, not judgement. I DO NOT HAVE POOR MORALS!! My husband and I are GOOD PARENTS, so my daughter does not need your sympathy. I am very offended at what you posted. My incident was BEFORE I was married, pregnant, so my child is not involved. My child does not suffer and we do not fight at all in front of her. We are very protective parents and I am very upset and offended how you could judge me when I am asking for advise. I DO NOT HAVE POOR MORALS!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 Yes, I asked him "what if it was my sister w/ you"? He claims that she is his sister and it wouldn't happen, but I don't know. Also, my sister didn't see anything because the lights were off and they were on the floor. She said "what are you guys doing?" because she couldn't see any of them and was alarmed. She only knew for sure when her friend told her. As for her friend, its not the situation that she is an innocent little girl. This girl was very for the whole thing, and she has a rep of being easy. Now, I have already called my husband "chester" so I totally see how sick it is. He claims he thought she was 19. (she looks it). I am pissed at both of them, and my husband is in the dog house right now. I do want to clear up one thing, my husband is a wonderful father and would never "child molest" a child. I know it is like that because of the age the girl was, but as far as having a sickness for children, that is not him. He had bad judgement that night, was pissed at me, and thought he would feel better about it if he hooked up with someone, and she was there. He has swore to me that if he knew how old she was it wouldn't of happened. I'm not saying I totally am nieve about it, but of course, I do know him and I mostly believe him, but I was a victim of child abuse when I was young, and no matter who it is, I am on the lookout of ANY MAN around my precous daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 My sister KNOWS that she NEEDS to come to me no matter what. The reason I am so mad at her friend is because she lied to me about certain stuff that my sister confirmed her lies. My sister knows that the girl lies and knows when she is lying and telling me the truth. When I talked to the girl, some things she said we the truth and somethings she said were lies. My sister is 20 and knows to kick his a$$ if something like that happened again and that no matter what I would be on her side. My sister doesn't lie to me. I would definetly leave if that happened, THAT'S MY BLOOD AND BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER. I feel ya though Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Doniker, I've read a lot of your posts and you are the nastiest, most bitter, cynical person. I know you've got problems, but just because you're miserable doesn't mean you have to belittle people. Here is a woman with a small child who just found out her husband messed around and you have to tell her that SHE has no morals because she admitted to a mistake before they were even married. Remember the old cliche if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything? If you have nothing constructive or supportive to say then you're just being mean and using this board as an outlet for your own negativity. supermom -- I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're a better person than I am if you can forgive him. I would have a really hard time with that. If you think it's possible you should probably get yourselves to counseling. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism that 16 yr old is gonna be messed up now, she was too young, mentally and legally. He should be in prison for what he did. She apparently has done this before, she is not going to be messed up by this because it is her nature. I am a victim of abuse as a child and I know the difference by the details that I know of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 Originally posted by FreeMe Doniker, I've read a lot of your posts and you are the nastiest, most bitter, cynical person. I know you've got problems, but just because you're miserable doesn't mean you have to belittle people. Here is a woman with a small child who just found out her husband messed around and you have to tell her that SHE has no morals because she admitted to a mistake before they were even married. Remember the old cliche if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything? If you have nothing constructive or supportive to say then you're just being mean and using this board as an outlet for your own negativity. supermom -- I'm sorry for what you're going through. You're a better person than I am if you can forgive him. I would have a really hard time with that. If you think it's possible you should probably get yourselves to counseling. I wish you the best. THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT, MY HUSBAND SAID IF I WANT TO GO TO COUNSELING HES ALL FOR IT. HIM AND I TALK, NOT YELL ANYMORE ABOUT IT AND HE IS REALLY TRYING TO FIX IT, BUT HE TELLS ME IT WILL TAKE TIME BECAUSE IT TOOK HIM TIME TOO. THANKS FOR DEFENDING ME! Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 Originally posted by doniker I feel sorry for your young baby. You 2 have poor morals and are sure to screw up again....the poor child will suffer in the long run. MY DAUGHTER HAS A VERY HAPPY LIFE AND HAS TWO PARENTS THAT LOVE HER VERY MUCH. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ADULT AROUND HER AND HER PARENTS LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH! SHE IS WELL TAKEN CARE OF. I HAVE NEVER "SCREWED UP" BEFORE THE INCIDENT BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED AND I AM NOT LIKE THAT. I AM NOT SURE TO SCREW UP AGAIN. IF I COULD CUSS ON HERE I WOULD TELL YOU WHERE TO GO I AM SO MAD HOW DARE YOU!!! MUST BE NICE TO BE PERFECT. YOU ARE VERY RUDE AND JUDGEMENTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 supermom, No problem. Most of his posts are bad but that was one of the worst and I just couldn't help it. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child. If you're willing to try to get past this with your husband then he is a lucky man. You've got a lot of strength and sense. Don't worry about other people's negativity. You know what you are and what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 you posted on a public forum. If you wanted specific responses you should have told everyone exactly what you wanted to hear. Its too bad that you are going through this pain now. Your morals (whatever they are) and subsequent behavior will have an effect on your daughter and it doesn't matter if you fight in front of her or not. Behavior patterns don't change themselves - it takes work. Whether instinct or habit, children sense emotions because pure emotion is all they have to go on. They haven't developed a shield yet or begun to question what their emotions mean/stem from. Your husband was with a minor and his claims of not knowing how old she was is bull - Anyone who appears to be under 25 is suspect without an ID. I don't give a rats backside how loose the girl is or what her reputation is. Your husband made a conscious decision to betray you and fondle/pursue/make out with this female person. He also did it in the same room as your sister--that is sick. He cared about no one but himself. It doesn't matter if the girl lied to you - she made no commitments or promises to you and owes you nothing. Your husband did promise and he betrayed that promise. Marriage is a contract of fidelity and he owes you his. You believe that he stopped before things progressed to actual intercourse. Good. That is a start. Get to a counselor. Don't try to fix this all by yourself, you need to get some outside help. There is no easy fix and it will take time. Some couples can survive it. Some can't. Sometimes it takes years. Don't expect to 'go back' to the way it was before. There has been a fundamental change and the best you can do is to go forward and build a different and stronger marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 The hardest part is that we had a seemingly "perfect" marriage and I want it back. Sorry for the post earlier but I get real defensive when someone insults me when it comes to taking care of my child. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Originally posted by supermom The hardest part is that we had a seemingly "perfect" marriage and I want it back. I am very sorry supermom. What you are asking for is impossible. What your feeling now is lost of innocence. Innocence in the way you felt your marriage was....."perfect". Like others have stated here. You and your husband need to go to counselling. While things will never be the same, at least you may find a new understanding of each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Good response Errol.... Supermom, I can imagine the problems this has cause you emotionally. However, I think it is COMPLETELY crazy that you would at all blame the sixteen year old girl. Who cares if she has a reputation of being loose, who cares if she came on to your husband. This is about him and clearly his lack of respect for you and your child. Cause, no man would cheat on his pregnant wife, unless he did not have respect for her... I think it is immature and crazy for you to even suggest beating the girl up. How old are you??? You did not want to be judge, I understand that. I understand that is must be very difficult to go through. But, open your eyes, this man betrayed you. A moment of weakness, he was mad at you, please, those are the most ridicilious excuses I have ever heard. This man does not deserve another chance in my opinon. Some people wrote, it would take strength to stay with him and work it out. I feel just the opposite it takes more strenght to leave him, then to stay with him. It takes more courage to walk out the door, then it does to stay and accept his action. Cause, by staying that is exactly what you are doing. Expecting your husbands behavior. I don't think I could do that Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 No one on here should be telling you what you ought to do, in terms of staying or leaving with him. They don't have to live with the consequences that follows. True a councilor definetly needs to be used here, but this person cannot 'fix' your heart that is hurting right now. A good councilor is not going to give you answers, but to guide you into what you truly want. Trust was broken, and if its mendable it will take a very long time. Just like the trust that was broken when you cheated on him. Apparently he didnt know how to handle that hurt, and thought revenge was the answer. What he did was the worst possible thing. Now I know it was bad, but it couldve been worse. They couldve had sex, which they didnt. Yes it was still cheating as well. Don't say you had the 'perfect' marriage because obvisiously you didn't. A lack of communication by him was the result of this happening. Not saying now, but down the road if you stay with him, you'll have to forgive him and not hold this against him when arguments do come up in the future. Like the one poster said, innocence is lost. But also know that this feeling you have is what he felt when you did this to him. Maybe in the end this will bring you two closer together, to know what each of you means to each other. I wouldn't put off calling a councilor, do it today if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
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