I wish I'd never met him, I've lost my hope

[SilkRose]

I met my ex at work, if I could go back in time and change things I would have left my job and cut off all contact before things went any further. 'Love' has mostly been torture for me the good times haven't been worth it. When guys ask me out now, all I think is "would I have sex with this guy? yes or no?" because that's all I want, no emotional attachment what so ever, I truly do not care anymore. Found myself looking up sex parties online recently, it's something I haven't really thought about until now but anonymous sex with some guy I'll never have to see again might be the way forward for me.

 

Going to dinner with some guy seems so wasteful, why should some guy spend time/money on me, when (if I'm attracted to him), I just want sex and a quick exit. Why get dressed up and laugh and joke when it's empty?

 

Everything I had to offer my ex was just a waste. Although he "wants to be friends" I know that's fake too.

 

I think I'm just incapable of having a healthy loving relationship. I attract men and get attention all the time but where/what has it gotten me? I just feel stupid for daring to believe that he might have been different. My soulmate.

[Treasa]

Well, obviously you don't want no-strings-attached sex, or else you wouldn't be posting this here.

 

Before you go swearing off love for the rest of your life, take time to grieve this relationship and all relationships that came before this one. A great book I read recently, and can't stop recommending, is "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliott.

 

You can buy it from Amazon and read it online for $10.

[fresco]

You're not stupid for trusting your ex. He's the stupid one for letting you go. You just need time, although i honestly wouldn't advise going around having no strings attached sex. When you fall off a horse you dont go ride every other horse in the stable =/

[spriggig]

Back in February, in your first, well-responded to thread you got a lot of good advice on this. It seems like you're still struggling with the same issue/idea.

 

I suggest that you give up on the casual sex thing, I don't think it fits you. I don't think it's any kind of long-term answer for you. In fact pursuing this might take you in a direction that ends up being worse than a breakup.

 

Instead, you should focus on why it is you feel you can't have a healthy, loving relationship, perhaps with a therapist.

 

I understand the thought process that led you to this conclusion, I'm in the same boat. I considered this same path, opened an account on AdultFriendFinder and concluded that I couldn't do it, it's not for me. So, I'm taking my own advice to you and trying to understand and get past my own trust and dependency issues.

[SilkRose]

Back in February, in your first, well-responded to thread you got a lot of good advice on this. It seems like you're still struggling with the same issue/idea.

 

I suggest that you give up on the casual sex thing, I don't think it fits you. I don't think it's any kind of long-term answer for you. In fact pursuing this might take you in a direction that ends up being worse than a breakup.

 

Instead, you should focus on why it is you feel you can't have a healthy, loving relationship, perhaps with a therapist.

 

I understand the thought process that led you to this conclusion, I'm in the same boat. I considered this same path, opened an account on AdultFriendFinder and concluded that I couldn't do it, it's not for me. So, I'm taking my own advice to you and trying to understand and get past my own trust and dependency issues.

 

Thanks for your comments guys. I think I just need to take a step back from the situation and stop being so hard on myself, I've felt like a failure for so long, but the truth is I did all I could and employed more patience with this guy than I even knew I had. I'm not perfect by any means but I really really tried. I don't want to feel terrible anymore so I'll stick with being alone for a while, improve my life, spend more time with my friends and just find someway to feel better.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[SilkRose]

Its been a few days now and I feel better, I'm trying not to think about him or relationships because it just makes me sad. I'm just taking things one day at a time and focussing on my life/career, the things that matter. Thanks guys.

[bonpaw2008]

Thanks for your comments guys. I think I just need to take a step back from the situation and stop being so hard on myself, I've felt like a failure for so long, but the truth is I did all I could and employed more patience with this guy than I even knew I had. I'm not perfect by any means but I really really tried. I don't want to feel terrible anymore so I'll stick with being alone for a while, improve my life, spend more time with my friends and just find someway to feel better.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

Hey Silk - you are very much like me. I hate to fail and I hate to lose and I am very stubborn. If I would have listened to the signs I saw over a year ago I would have been done with all of this, and never got as attached in the first place. But I felt like I was losing if I didn't make this work, if he didn't love me, if we didn't move forward into a relationship. I sacrificed myself to make him happy, and completely lost myself in the process. And it still wasn't enough. I know that it wasn't my fault and that I did my best, I still need to work past the rejection and really believing that there is someone that is out there for me so much better.

 

Glad to see that you are on the right track. And girls can't do casual sex (at least most of us aren't wired to). Sex = love to us, that connection is the building block for us to love. Sucks, I hate it, if it could be changed I would be the first in line for a "transplant"....

[SilkRose]

Hey Silk - you are very much like me. I hate to fail and I hate to lose and I am very stubborn. If I would have listened to the signs I saw over a year ago I would have been done with all of this, and never got as attached in the first place. But I felt like I was losing if I didn't make this work, if he didn't love me, if we didn't move forward into a relationship. I sacrificed myself to make him happy, and completely lost myself in the process. And it still wasn't enough. I know that it wasn't my fault and that I did my best, I still need to work past the rejection and really believing that there is someone that is out there for me so much better.

 

Glad to see that you are on the right track. And girls can't do casual sex (at least most of us aren't wired to). Sex = love to us, that connection is the building block for us to love. Sucks, I hate it, if it could be changed I would be the first in line for a "transplant"....

 

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. I'm glad that you are seeing your own value and not blaming yourself. As for the "transplant" lol! Hilarious. Thanks once again. I'm moving forward as best I can and trying to take care of myself. One step at a time.

[Beeotch]

I met my ex at work, if I could go back in time and change things I would have left my job and cut off all contact before things went any further. 'Love' has mostly been torture for me the good times haven't been worth it. When guys ask me out now, all I think is "would I have sex with this guy? yes or no?" because that's all I want, no emotional attachment what so ever, I truly do not care anymore. Found myself looking up sex parties online recently, it's something I haven't really thought about until now but anonymous sex with some guy I'll never have to see again might be the way forward for me.

 

Going to dinner with some guy seems so wasteful, why should some guy spend time/money on me, when (if I'm attracted to him), I just want sex and a quick exit. Why get dressed up and laugh and joke when it's empty?

 

Everything I had to offer my ex was just a waste. Although he "wants to be friends" I know that's fake too.

 

I think I'm just incapable of having a healthy loving relationship. I attract men and get attention all the time but where/what has it gotten me? I just feel stupid for daring to believe that he might have been different. My soulmate.

 

Lol...I'm laughing because I know the feeling and I said those things, but now that I am over it, I no lonbger think that way.

 

Would you believe in my grief and delusional era of the breakup I agreed to a 3some??? I am sooooooooooo EMBARRASSED at even thinking that. GLADLY I did not do it, but I am saying that to say, I was clearly NOT in a normal state of mind but at the time you could not tell me that doing something like that wouldn't feel good and help me and all that.

 

Boy am I ever glad I didn't...because now that it's over and the fog is lifted, I have grown and have clarity I would feel like shyyyyt right now if I had done some mess like that.

 

Please don't do anything rash hon. Realize that your emotions are very fickle right now and NOT a true gauge of what you should and should not do. Stick to healthier activities, hang with friends, watch movies, go out to eat, etc but do not get involved in weird sex or other scenarios that you most likely will live to regret and perhaps make you feel WORST the minute it's over.

[SilkRose]

Lol...I'm laughing because I know the feeling and I said those things, but now that I am over it, I no lonbger think that way.

 

Would you believe in my grief and delusional era of the breakup I agreed to a 3some??? I am sooooooooooo EMBARRASSED at even thinking that. GLADLY I did not do it, but I am saying that to say, I was clearly NOT in a normal state of mind but at the time you could not tell me that doing something like that wouldn't feel good and help me and all that.

 

Boy am I ever glad I didn't...because now that it's over and the fog is lifted, I have grown and have clarity I would feel like shyyyyt right now if I had done some mess like that.

 

Please don't do anything rash hon. Realize that your emotions are very fickle right now and NOT a true gauge of what you should and should not do. Stick to healthier activities, hang with friends, watch movies, go out to eat, etc but do not get involved in weird sex or other scenarios that you most likely will live to regret and perhaps make you feel WORST the minute it's over.

 

Thanks for your comment, I'm glad that you didn't do something you would regret now.

 

I've been working and focusing on my ambitions, I'm a visual artist so I've been producing new work and dealing with all the challenges that that involves and making travel plans, working and getting my social life back.

 

I'm learning to not be so critical and blame myself about everything in my life, that relationship happened, I can't change it but I can choose to not put my energy into him and keep the pain going. One day I will realise that I haven't thought about him for a long time...I cannot wait for that day. It's not easy but really I can't be drained by this nonsense anymore. He left in October. Life is too short.

 

My birthday is coming up, his is the day before mine and usually I'd send birthday messages, organise a gift blah blah. But I know he'll "forget" mine...even though it's the day before his...So I have decided not to feed into it. He cares about himself, so I'll leave him to that activity. So I'm focussing on enjoying MY birthday and I'm going out Salsa dancing with some friends.

 

As for me, dating just isn't an option and its something I don't want to get involved with again, I just know that I want to dance on my birthday, travel, make some cash and live.

 

I really do want to have sex without a relationship, but I don't want to get caught up in the crazy drama of STD-laden sex parties...Gonorrhea of the mouth...no thanks So I don't even think about that anymore.

 

I have been so horny lately, its as if accepting that I def won't have a relationship with him has really made me feel my sexual feelings so much more...intensely. It's like my body's getting ready for it. I mean he left in October so I want sex and as I'm starting to go out again I think it'll happen as and when I meet guys I'm attracted to.

 

Anyway thanks guys. Wish you all the best.

[LostInTurn]

There were sections in your original post which reminded me of me.

 

It's easy to take the blame and be sad. It's easy to feel as though we won't feel or love again.

 

When you said you gave more than you ever though you would / could. I'm feel that myself, currently. I have been in relationships and given to them, but I have my heart and soul this last time. When I think about it, I cannot imagine giving that to anyone again. I don't see how I could. I look at it as 'I picked this one person. This one person to give all of that time, energy and thought to.' Well, no. We did those things, yes. However, someone will appreciate everything we do one day. When that day comes, we won't make comparisons, we won't be afraid. We'll be ok because we will know. Although our ex's may have looked us in the eyes and told us they loved us. We may have seen a twinkle. It wasn't what we thought it was.

 

You will love again. You will be open to a relationship again. Focusing on yourself is great. It's not easy to do. It's not easy to get up and do something with a friend and put on a smile.

 

Some days when I try and go out, I wear big sunglasses so when I cry people cannot notice.

 

It's not easy. But you will find someone who deserves all you practiced giving to someone else.

[Thorgs]

Well, there are a lot of STI's going around these days so I'd be careful. Since you are looking for "no strings attached" sex, then you might as well just pick up a few toys. Focusing on yourself right now is the best thing you can do. You will feel so much better, trust me. When the time is right, you will meet someone worth while.

[SilkRose]

There were sections in your original post which reminded me of me.

 

It's easy to take the blame and be sad. It's easy to feel as though we won't feel or love again.

 

When you said you gave more than you ever though you would / could. I'm feel that myself, currently. I have been in relationships and given to them, but I have my heart and soul this last time. When I think about it, I cannot imagine giving that to anyone again. I don't see how I could. I look at it as 'I picked this one person. This one person to give all of that time, energy and thought to.' Well, no. We did those things, yes. However, someone will appreciate everything we do one day. When that day comes, we won't make comparisons, we won't be afraid. We'll be ok because we will know. Although our ex's may have looked us in the eyes and told us they loved us. We may have seen a twinkle. It wasn't what we thought it was.

 

You will love again. You will be open to a relationship again. Focusing on yourself is great. It's not easy to do. It's not easy to get up and do something with a friend and put on a smile.

Some days when I try and go out, I wear big sunglasses so when I cry people cannot notice.

 

It's not easy. But you will find someone who deserves all you practiced giving to someone else.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I used to wake up and cry, cry at lunchtime. It's horrible. I really hope you feel better and move forward soon. It's such a shame that we can feel so much for people who simply don't deserve it.

 

To be honest I don't want to be open to love or relationships. I am more than "someone's girlfriend", I am an artist, I love to travel (I live in Europe, I can buy return flights to any other European country in advance for the equivalent of $20-30 and I can save up to go anywhere else in the world) and I get attention from guys so why waste my life in misery? I'm getting out of one situtation and don't want to get into another. It's my personal choice, I totally understand the desire to want to love and care for someone and be in a relationship, I just don't want to do that anymore. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

 

Well, there are a lot of STI's going around these days so I'd be careful. Since you are looking for "no strings attached" sex, then you might as well just pick up a few toys. Focusing on yourself right now is the best thing you can do. You will feel so much better, trust me. When the time is right, you will meet someone worth while.

 

You're totally right about the STIs, I always use condoms without exception. And I have toys and they are great but since October...October...I want the physical experience of sex without the complication of a boyfriend or a relationship.

 

I love my friends dearly, I can go out with them (people who I love who love me in return) have dinner or go somewhere fun with them and go home, no harm done. Boyfriends just aren't for me. I feel better being single. May sound strange to people who want relationships but its true.