Will I ever love my cheating spouse again???

[stilltrying]

Hello everyone,

 

Sorry, this was posted first in the marriage forum, but I saw this and thought it better here.

 

I am brand new to this forum. I found out yesterday that my spouse cheated on me and am in desperate need of someone to listen/advise. Truthfully, we are not married but we have lived together for 7 years in a committed relationship. He is my best friend and I love him very much. We have had our share of normal problems, but have been generally happy until last year.

 

 

Last May he came to me and told me he was confused about us, whether or not he was truly in love with me. He quickly corrected that statement and said that he was confused about himself, about whether or not he was worthy of being with me or deserved soemone like me because he didn't feel like he was giving me 100%. We had problems about marriage on and off for the first years or so of the relationship - he just couldn't committ that way but we lived our lives as married couples do - he has always attributed his inability to marry me as not being worthy of me - I really think his self-estee is very low sometimes, borderline depression. And I truly believe he really loves me - or at least that he really believes that. After May we had many rocky months where I tried to give him the room to figure things out - we still lived together as a couple. He was animate about needing space and trying to fnd himself, and I tried not to be too controlling and let him do his own thing. He started a friendship with a girl he worked with, and they hung out with other co-workers often (without me). I was okay with this until I felt it got inappropriate, like her coming over when I was out of town (keep in mind I have never met her). We talked about it and I even felt bad about feeling weird, because I really totally trusted him - never for a second thought he'd ever cheat.

 

 

Things blew over, he stopped seeing her at all and we have been very happy for the past 5 months - although we never really openly dealt with his confusion. Last night, he left his email up on my computer, and I read an email he sent to the OW back in August... I felt sick. It said that he loved her and was sad they had to break it off, that he daydreamed about having a life with her and how happy she had made him. I seriously almost threw up. I confronted him about this, and he told me that they slept together one time, and he had an "infatuation" with her for about 2 months last summer. That he didn't love her at all, but that she was a friend to him in a really confusing time and it just crossed a line, but he immediately realized it was infatuation and that he really loved me. That is why they stopped talking (she was married too BTW, and I guess going through the same stuff with her husband that we were - she also wanted to go back to him).

 

 

He says that she means nothing to him, and he has been so happy these last months because it made him realize how much he loved me and that his confusion about us is gone. I feel like an idiot and so bad about myself because I actually believe him. I know it sounds trite, but he really is not like that and I am trying to see that it was all a part of the bigger problems we had, but it is SO HARD. I have never loved anyone but him, and we both did our fair share of dating before we ended up together (I was 21, him 23 when we got together). I don't know what to do.

 

 

We went to counseling today, and we are going back tomorrow, I really do still love him, but I never thoguht I'd give anyone a second chance after cheating on me and I am absolutely heart broken. There is a part of me that thinks it will be impossible to forgive him and still be in love like we were. I think we had the greatest life before last May... and now to find out this.... I don't know what to do. Anyone....

[supermom]

I totally feel what you are going through. I just found out a few weeks ago that my husband had cheated on me with my little sister's friend. Now, I don't know how I feel. I was pregnant and my husband and my dad went to another state where my mom and sis live. 4th of July my sis (at the time 17), my husband (at the time 28) and her friend, (at the time 16) stayed overnight in a hotel room. He had a makeout session (groping and all) until my sister woke up and said "what are you doing"? (lights were off). Now even though the sex didn't happen, the touching did. I asked him if he took his wedding ring off at least and he didn't know what to say. Now our daughter is 15 months old and he's just now telling me! I already spoke to the girl ( who I thought was like a sister to me) and told my husband how sick he was (she was only 16!). It's been a year and a half since the incident but I just was told about it a few weeks ago. I am very pissed. I found out all details and it does help a little to know (I even made him act it out on me) that's how much I wanted to know. It helped and he's sorry, but I don't know how sorry, and I don't know him like I thought I did.

 

I don't know how to get over the feeling that I will look down on my husband forever. I don't know exactly what advise to give you, but that you are not alone, and It helps to know I'm not alone. The girl even came to our daughter's birthday last year when I didn't know and I think HOW DARE THEY? I feel dumb just sitting there all happy when they were face to face with each other and hanging out like nothing.

 

I hope you find someway to either get over it or move on. And if you do find peace, TELL ME HOW YOU DID IT!!!

 

Good luck sweetie

[Thinkalot]

I dont have experience in your situation, so I just want to send you my best wishes , and say I hope things work out for you with your husband, and if they don't , you will still survive and have a great life, even if it doesnt feel that way now.

[katydid]

I recently put up a post " can marriage survive infedelity" read it .

 

I am in such a similar position. And all I can say is I hope so. I hope I can forgive and move on and that we can move on and rebuild and hopefully eventually we can have something that was just as good. I think that , with my own wounds still very much open, the biggest thing is you have to WANT to stay, inspite of everything. Any doubt on your part or his and I don't see much hope.

 

We start counseling friday, and I hope very much that we can move on. My heart really does go out to you, and the biggest hope is he seems he wants you too.

 

good luck

 

Katydid

[stilltrying]

Thanks katydid, I did read your post and it helped some. I must admit that the counseling session today was helpful, we are going to go once a week (try anyway). I know what you mean about no doubts, but it so hard for me right now, and him too I think. There is just so much pain, I am so sad and in such shock, and he is ready to kill himself... I'm not sure that he will ever forgive himself even if I can... and that is scary too because we won't make it that way. I hope that both of us putting alot into the therapy will help, and that time can heal the wounds. I am just so unsure right now, of him, of us, even of what I want.

[Arabess]

There are different kinds of 'cheating'. There is one where it is only a sexual adventure. There is another where there is a full blown relationship......involving another woman who thought he loved her.

 

I could probably forgive the first kind.....but NEVER the second.

 

The reason I say that....is because I work with a lot of men. Many do cheat.....but they are always afraid the wife (or girlfriend) will find out and have no intention of leaving that relationship. They love their wives and family.....they are just goofy!

 

It's STILL cheating....but not much of a threat.

 

However, if someone had a real relationship with someone and shared emotional intimacy....I couldn't forgive it. I don't understand how a man could do that. If they did it once.....I'd have a hard time trusting them again. (Personally, I would never trust them again because I would LEAVE!).....but I think when women are willing to give a guy a second chance.....that's a personal decision.

[katydid]

I just have a quick question stilltrying. do you get angry when he says he can't forgive himself or its just as hard for him to get through this and to move on? Do you really think they feel this way or are they just trying to say what we want to hear?

 

 

Katydid

[stilltrying]

katydid,

 

I do get angry sometimes, and I call him on it... but he will never say that without putting it in the context of me. It is hard to explain... he might say things like "I feel like I'm not worthy of you forgiving me, and I hate myself for doing this". I don't consider myself a naive person by any means, and as angry and hurt as I am I do believe him when he says that. This, of course, makes me feel even worse for believing in someone that could do that to me. I feel stupid for it, and then my head kicks in and says that I am a fool for even giving this a chance. It is really hard... I am at constant odds with myself.

 

As for the OW, a part of me believes him on that front too... we were having a bad time then and he had told me months before that he was really confused before he even met her. The truth is, I'm not sure it matters whether or not I believe him, because I have a hard time accepting that if he really, truly loved me for the 7 yrs we've been together, as I have him, that he could have let his confusion win out.

[katydid]

stilltrying,

 

 

I completely understand. There have been very few momements in time over the last couple of weeks that I am not at odds with myself. Sometimes I even wonder why I am even making an effort to get passed all this and move on.

 

Did you ever want to go out and cheat just to get back at him?

[stilltrying]

No Katy, not yet anyway. I just found out this week.... I don't really think sleeping with someone else would make me feel better at all though. DO you?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by stilltrying

I don't really think sleeping with someone else would make me feel better at all though. DO you?

 

No. Not if you don't.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I have also been where you are at. We have been in counseling together since February of last year. He goes once a week by himself and I go the same, then every other week we go together.

Has it been worth the 10.000 we have spent so far? I think so!

 

I am still dealing with the issue of trust. The woman he was seeing is local and he works an hour away, so when ever he goes anywhere besides work , he makes sure to take one of the kids with him.

 

He seems to be trying real hard to earn back my trust, but I still get a little testy when he gets calls from woman who call about their kids in our scouting area.

 

I considered the idea of sleeping with someone else, I just wanted him to know how it feels to be cheated on, but then I got to thinking,that if I did so then he would be able to feel less guilty about his infidelity.

 

He has a new e mail address that he created since I broke into his old one and I feel very nervous about who is emailing him, but I am determined not to get into his personal stuff again.

 

We have been married 18 years now and I am glad that I gave him another chance, and grateful that my 5 boys do not have to deal with a broken home but I am never going to completely trust him like I did before.

 

He can earn back some of it, where I won't question where he is going or who with but I will never let my guard down and I will always look for the signs of cheating.

I wish you luck and I encourage counseling for quite awhile.

The Faithfulwife

[stilltrying]

It absolutely breaks my heart to think that it will be years before I might trust him again. A big part of me trusts him now even after the A... I am a freakin dolt huh? That is how I feel truly, but I also just have this feeling that we are meant for each other and I we have to make it work. Is it just to close to home still ti feel either way?

[Bonjour]

We have been married for 22 years we have been together for 27 years. It's crazy that really over the years there have been a few time when I have wondered about hid fidelity. He is a truck driver and is gone some nights in hotels in other states so it is easy for him. I raised 3 girls basicaly on my own. I am now 44 and have been trying to enjoy our time now together. I over the last 2 months have confirmed some things about him that I chose to ignore all along. He is a very sexual man and does not go without sex very well. He admits to going to strip clubs to see the women and I found out touch them, (who knows what else?) That alone will send the mind crazy. Then I figure out that while he has been out of town for 1 and 1/2 months he has been having quite a time. Some things have happened that suggest to me that he has been with other women. I confronted him and of course he denies it. It still hurts though. And I do not know if I can ever trust him again. I do not have the kids to occupy my time and responsiblility now so the focus is on him. It might help if he just would not lie.

 

I am in the town with him now and have been for a couple of months, but he was here 1 and 1/2 months before I could come. His work partner is a 31 year old single man. They both like to frequent the bars. MY husband is very friendly with all the women we have run into, (bar maids, hotel maids, etc.) We went to a bar once and I suggested ordereing wings, he said I thought we didn't like them here. I said that must have been with your other girlfriend, he looked very shocked like, Oh ****, that was with her. He tried to cover it up by say he doesn't have a girlfriend but didn't do very well. A few minutes later I said really do you have a girlfriend? He instantly cut his eyes to the right, not looking at me and of course, said no. Another time we went to the same bar and he had to go to the bathroom, it took a very long time. Another time I went to the bathroom a the bartender which I could tell he knew well was standing very close to him and in between his legs when I came back. The next time he asked that I go into the bar and get a table and he was going to the bathroom. I sat down started to put some lotion on my hands and decided to go wash my hands. I looked for him on the way, took my time, came and looked again sat down and it was still a few minutes before he returned, way to long for a man to pee. He asked if I ordered our beers I said no I havn't seen a waiter, he said a waiter hasn't been here yet. I said I went to the bathroom too, he was very shocked, surprised and said you went to the bathroom too! Visibly upset or worried.

 

One time he said I love you , I said I love you too. He said no matter what?

 

Today I had to check his email and he knew it and found email from a site where you exchange personal information and then possibly date. Of course when I told him he had now idea how that could happen. I told him today that I do not trust him. It is possible that he will need to come back here or stay here without me and I told him I would not be happy about that not only because I don't trust him but also he has a family that he has spent far to must time away from. His reply was lets talk about that when the time comes. Wrong answer.

 

Am I way off track? I have been fighting the signs and feelings for 4 weeks now.

 

Help... need an opinion.