Why the hell do I always feel lonely?

[This Hurts]

This doesn't make sense to me.

 

I have always been a very solitary person. I always had a few close friends I would hang out with, and some acquaintances for small talk in everyday life (classmates, coworkers, etc). I was never a party animal, and I enjoyed staying home, watching movies, going to bookstores, calm stuff like that. I would have my moments where I would go to a party, or any social event larger than usual, but for the most part I was always a shy, private person. Few close friends and family was all I really needed, and I was content with that.

 

However, since the breakup a few months ago, I have felt so unbelievably lonely. It is the hardest feeling I have had to deal with with this whole post-breakup recovery. After this breakup, I've been wanting to be around people a lot more, because otherwise I feel really lonely. When I'm around people I usually feel fine, but once I'm home I feel like this. Don't get me wrong, I have had days this summer where I come home and I'm fine by myself, but this feeling eventually comes back just a couple of days later and it makes me so sad.

 

I feel I want a girlfriend, but I know I'm not ready. Besides, I don't want to get a girlfriend just because I feel lonely and really want a companion. I want to complete myself. I want to be happy by myself. I feel so needy and dependent of other people and I hate it.

 

I'm tired of coming home and trying to get the day over with, just so the next one can come and it can be a day closer to hanging out with someone. I feel like I'm addicted to people because when I'm around them it's the only time I don't feel lonely.

 

I don't know what to do or where to start to get rid of this feeling.

[Tony T]

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Everybody in your situation goes through the same identical thing. It doesn't last forever but definitely fight the urge to get out there a rebound with some innocent person. Keep yourself busy, be around people, and when you get home at night, turn on the television, read a book or just meditate on some of your favorite thoughts. Do things for yourself you haven't done in a long time.

 

It's important to feel what you feel. You need not complain about it. It's just going to be there for a while. When it gets better, just enjoy that as well. Don't worry about having someone else come into your life until it's time. Rushing into something just because you feel lonely would be a MAJOR mistake. The WORST CASE OF LONELINESS in the universe is nowhere near as bad as a bad relationship.

[Sonolumino]

I am exactly like you. I enjoy privacy and enjoy being alone. A few friends is all I need, although I try to be friendly with most people. I'm going through a breakup right now and I feel almost the exact same thing you feel, which is an incredible, vast, abysmal, bottomless loneliness. I thought as you did, that being around people would cure it but it just masks the problem. Find a hobby that you like, or breathe life back into an old one. Try to balance alone time with hanging out with friends, and eventually wean yourself off of the neediness. Realize that the neediness is only temporary. You are a strong person and being alone takes strength. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be around your friends, but you have to make an effort to improve yourself. If you stay stagnant, it will be very hard to get over. Change up your routine, keep yourself occupied, set some short-term goals and accomplish them. You'll bounce back, don't worry.

[smk]

Seeing as this is my first "real" break up I can completely relate to what you are feeling, and in my quest for answer or a "magical" cure to get over my ex I stumbled upon a really interesting article.

 

http://www.healthrelatedinfos.com/romantic-breakup-addiction-linked-624/

 

The study actually shows that being is love stimulates the same parts of the brain that deal with addictions. I can completely relate to this (no I am not an ex junkie - Well now I am a love junkie - lol) but I think it points out why we feel so lonely, and why we get tempted to break NC and the roller coaster of emotions we go through.

 

I am similar to you, a few close friends, a few acquaintances and I was quite content with that. I used to enjoy being on both sides of the fence though, at times I had moments where I enjoyed being surrounded by people and at others I was quite happy being on my own and just being...

 

Yet now, I crave being around people, however even if I do surround myself with people I still feel lonely and alone - I hate that feeling. I too like you wish that I could go back to being my old self, however I know that I have a long way to go to get there and am working on my route to get back there.

 

IMHO when you fall in love with someone you form an emotional bond and attachment to them, they become your "constant" and when you take away a "constant" (be that physical or emotional" our minds tend to try and go back to that "constant", and since we cant go back to our exes, and if you are anything like me, then not ready to go on a rebound (because I would be leading the other person on - and that's just not me) we have a hard time trying to fill that emotional void left by our exes breaking up with us.

 

Just the same way the bond with your ex was not formed over night it takes our mind time start breaking away at that bond and I think thats where NC comes into play. By not maintaining NC the bond slowly starts breaking away and setting you free to continue living your life, be that going back to who you were, or becoming a new person (emotionally, physically or both). I know that everytime NC is broken in my case most of the progress I make gets wiped away and I have to start from a clean slate, and the roller coaster does not make things any easier. I was on an uphill ride most of yesterday and then all of a sudden without any warning I came crashing down.

 

But I think the keywords here for me are "Companionship" and "Constant", through out my life I have had very few of the both, and when I got with my ex she gave me the both of them, she was my companion and my constant (everything else was a bonus) and now that she is gone I seem to crave that - and as that article suggested our mind craves that stimuli - in our cases our stimuli was/is our ex or actually the love we felt for them and the love that they reciprocated, and now that we have one half of that, we still crave the other. I personally cant seem to fall out of love with her, and the harder I try to fall out, I realise I grow to love her more, so now I have decided to stop trying and just get on with it.

 

Its certainly the hardest, most difficult journey I have yet had to face, but unfortunately this is one the numerous twists that life has in store for us, and who knows what the future holds in store for us. I dont know about everyone else, but I am a believer in destiny and fate, I do believe that events and people come into our lives for a purpose, and when they serve that purpose they leave, sometimes at a later stage they may reappear in our lives and sometimes they may not, but its what we take away from that purpose that makes it count. I believe that my ex came into my life to teach me to open up my heart to someone, to be able to give someone the power to hurt and hope that they wouldnt, to be able to care about someone as much as myself (DB - I took this one of one of your posts, and it fits in perfectly with my belief - thank you), and finally to teach me what true love feels like, and for that I thank her.

 

I know not what the future holds in store for me, but I have learnt a lot of things about life, love, and myself through this experience, and in the future she does come back into my life then so be it, and if this is the complete end for us, then I have no regrets, because as much as I may hurt right now, she still gave me one of the greatest gifts life has, the love of someone, even if it was for a short while, I will hold onto that for a lifetime...

 

Sorry for the long post guys...

[This Hurts]

Thanks, guys. Honestly, reassurance that I'm heading down the right path are the most comforting words to me. Negative feelings are 10x worst for me because, as a pessimist, I tend to think that I'm going to be stuck there forever.

 

Every time I feel something negative, I feel it's going to be my permanent home and it just depresses me further.

 

I just try to have faith in what everyone keeps telling me (that I will get over her), and that's honestly what keeps me going.

 

smk, don't worry about the long post I read it all, and I agree with you. When we broke up I realized the reason it's so hard is because you have to get used to such a different lifestyle. And though external aspects aren't usually different (school, jobs, friends), inside everything changed.

 

I guess it's just a matter of getting used to something new. It's hard as hell, though.