Told MM about my pregnancy

[noelle303]

So much for the rational conversation I was hoping for.

 

He came over, was in a really sweet mood, apologetic (due to our argument over a week ago and not speaking to each other).

At first he thought I was breaking the whole thing of. Then I went to the bathroom and came back with a positive test. For a moment he just stood there, in total shock. Then you could just see it all building up inside him...

 

He went on with the usual crap ''what?! are you joking?! how could this have happened?!''

 

Since I didn't like his tone and I flare up pretty easily I went a bit snarky at him and told him that an angel stopped by and brushed his wings against my face.

 

This may have ticked him further of and he got quite upset. Which in turn made me angry.

We got into a huge fight. He said he will go with me to get it sorted. I told him I'm not sure what I want to do.

He got upset, asked what do I mean by that, ofcourse I'm going to have an abortion.

We really got into an argument then, him telling me that this is his whole livelihood at stake and me replying that we were both reckless and now we have to deal with the consequnces.

He was getting really angry. We fought for like... an hour, hour and a half, I can't even estimate correctly, cause I was getting really upset. Especially at one point I yelled something and he grabbed my arm really hard so I pushed him away.

 

He left but has called me 5 minutes later, I didn't pick up, he called again and again. When I finally answered him he asked me whether I would take him to court, I said that I will talk with him after he has calmed down.

 

I got so stressed, my head was pounding like crazy and I was really dizzy. I threw up several times, and I had cramps.

 

It was horrible, I'm really sorry if this all sounds like dumb rambling.

 

But atleast I know where I stand in regards to him.

[jj33]

Oh Noelle. Im so sorry you had to go through that.

 

It was the response that most MM would have upon hearing that their their OW was considering having a child and was not sure she was going to simply take care of it.

 

I can appreciate that even in you are leaning towards taking care of it, the shock of his anger and unsupportive attitude was like a knife to the heart. And that alone would cause you to stand your ground and say dont be so sure.

 

I hope you are OK. The realization of where you stand with him is likely to be much more upsetting than the fact of the pregnancy itself.

 

And by the way I and lots of women I know had abortions 30+ years ago with NO regrets. But everyone is different. You will find the best course for you.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

 

Edited to add you dont owe him ANY more communication until you make up your mind. And you DONT have to have him go with you if you do decide to have an abortion. Based on his attitude I think that would be heartbreaking. Have one of your girlfriends go with you. Let him pay for it but he doesnt have to be there. He has no right to escort you there unless you want him there.

Edited July 29, 2010 by jj33

[Hazyhead]

((((((noelle))))))

 

You need to take a little breather and work completely on what's best for you. He needs to be no part of your decision making now - he will only pressure you towards one conclusion. Don't make the mistake of going down that route just to please him; he's shown you his true colours and feelings towards a future with you.

 

Is there anywhere you can go for a couple of days with someone close to you? Take off for the weekend with a best friend or something? You may not have told anyone about him but I think you'll be surprised as to how supportive people around you can be... I know I was.

 

As far as he's concerned, please don't contact him until you've decided.

 

Best wishes,

Hazy

[jj33]

In fact if you decide not to have it, there is a part of me that would be tempted to NEVER contact him again. EVER.

 

Let him wonder and worry for the next 9 months... let him SWEAT after the way he has behaved. Much more punishment than having him pay for it if you have the money to handle it.

[noelle303]

Oh Noelle. Im so sorry you had to go through that.

 

It was the response that most MM would have upon hearing that their their OW was considering having a child and was not sure she was going to simply take care of it.

 

I can appreciate that even in you are leaning towards taking care of it, the shock of his anger and unsupportive attitude was like a knife to the heart. And that alone would cause you to stand your ground and say dont be so sure.

 

I hope you are OK. The realization of where you stand with him is likely to be much more upsetting than the fact of the pregnancy itself.

 

Exactly... Like, I know he's upset, so am I but we're both equally to blame and I just wanted us to talk about this!

And his sense of entitlement, the way he was all ''this will ruin MY livelihood'' and the fact he thought he can just tell me what to do, made me soooooo angry!

 

I don't think I can go anywhere for the weekend cause I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow and I don't honestly think I'll be able to relax much... maybe. I'll see...

 

JJ - LOL! Honestly, thats so tempting!

[cavedweller]

303,

 

You may want to contact a lawyer..

 

my 2 cents here:

 

If you decide to have your baby you can take him to court..

 

He will have to pay for the birth of your child, provide child support and other expenses..

 

That is what he is concerned about..

 

303, it is your call, your body, your baby and your decision..

 

Good luck....................................

[TaraMaiden]

...and make sure that whatever you decide, it's absolutely 100% exactly because it's what you WANT to do.

Not because it's something you OUGHT to do.

 

Whatever - you decide.

 

YOU - are in charge of you.

nobody else.

This is for you to decide and see through, and whatever it takes, whatever you decide, it must be because you are completely comfortable with that decision.

[jj33]

It happens. Dont beat yourself up. You used protection and like it says on the box its not 100% effective.

 

Im glad you got a laugh out of the idea of letting him sweat. You have to find SOMETHING to laugh at right now...

 

 

When I was about your age I got pregnant. the guys parents told me that they couldnt even PAY for it because [when you get PM privileges I will tell you and you will howl with laughter] so i got the $$ from my grandmother telling her I dented bf's car. She knew the truth but never said so. She said jj I will give you teh money on the condition you NEVER see him again. And everytime i wasnt doing what she wanted me to do shed say remember the car accident?. A few years later I told my mother and all she could say was well that was stupid... and due to family circumstances she understood why I didnt burden her with it at the time. Not saying you shouldnt tell your parents you know what is best for you.

 

My grandmother was funny. One day I was watching TV with her and she said JJ young people think they invented sex, but the questions were always the same, and the answers were always the same. So you are not alone. No matter what you decide.

[jj33]

Oh and another reason not to talk to him until you decide what you are doing is the standard

 

 

"are you sure its mine"...

 

You dont need to hear ANY of that garbage right now

[Fight4Me]

This is something I was going to caution you about before the other thread got closed; that the reaction from MM was not likely to be good. In almost every situation I've read like yours, the MM comes off like a caged animal and turns on you very swiftly. He's terrified that his family life and financial standing is about to be destroyed. He doesn't know your next move or what you really want, so he's sweating bullets right now.

 

Other than (minorly) giving into your defensive impulses, you did very well. The next day or two, after he's had time to absorb and process the information, he may come back and respond in a more honorable way. Otherwise, he has likely formulated a damage-control plan, which would include the ceremonial ritual of "throwing the OW under the bus.":mad:

 

In the meantime, I pray for clarity for you, to know what is right and best for you going forward.

 

 

Disclaimer: Have not had a full cup of coffee yet this morning, so I give my apologies in advance should the above makes little sense.

[TaraMaiden]

jj33....I really like your Grandmother.

[Hazyhead]

When I was about your age I got pregnant. the guys parents told me that they couldnt even PAY for it because [when you get PM privileges I will tell you and you will howl with laughter] so i got the $$ from my grandmother telling her I dented bf's car. She knew the truth but never said so. She said jj I will give you teh money on the condition you NEVER see him again. And everytime i wasnt doing what she wanted me to do shed say remember the car accident?. A few years later I told my mother and all she could say was well that was stupid... and due to family circumstances she understood why I didnt burden her with it at the time. Not saying you shouldnt tell your parents you know what is best for you.

 

My grandmother was funny. One day I was watching TV with her and she said JJ young people think they invented sex, but the questions were always the same, and the answers were always the same. So you are not alone. No matter what you decide.

 

Gosh JJ, life's never just easy for you, is it?

 

You're Grandmother sounds like a gem... maybe where you get your wisdom from

[Hazyhead]

Noelle, maybe you can't take time out properly, but I really don't like the idea of you going through this on your own. And I don't mean MM! If you have someone you can lean on, and can hold your hand then make the most of them.

 

Whatever you decide, try to calm down from your confrontation with him... just try to gain a little more clarity, and you must be pretty steaming right now!

[joey66]

I would humbly suggest not making any decisions until you've both had time to calm down. I'm not trying to defend him, he acted terribly. But I can't see the harm in giving him some time so that he can digest the information. Then try to discuss it again calmly. He might change his tune after he's had time to think it through. Don't make a hasty decision in anger that you might live to regret.

 

Whatever happens, good luck to you.

[fooled once]

I am sure you are upset at his reaction, especially since you really thought he cared about you; but as you can see, he only cares about himself. HIS livelihood, HIS family finding out, etc. Goes to show you were his play thing and his marriage really isn't as bad as he made it out to be.

 

Do for yourself and no one else. Just make sure you don't do anything with revenge in your mind or to 'get him back' or anything like that. Focus on how this WILL change your life (if you keep the child).

 

Good luck to you.

[jj33]

I would humbly suggest not making any decisions until you've both had time to calm down. I'm not trying to defend him, he acted terribly. But I can't see the harm in giving him some time so that he can digest the information. Then try to discuss it again calmly. He might change his tune after he's had time to think it through. Don't make a hasty decision in anger that you might live to regret.

 

Noelle please dont take false hope from that.

 

He may change his tone (from anger to darling please you know I cant be a father to this child)

 

But I think bet my life on the fact that pigs will fly before he would encourage you to keep it or be OK with that decision in ANY way.

 

DONT talk to him until you are 1000% sure.

[sweetjasmine]

And his sense of entitlement, the way he was all ''this will ruin MY livelihood'' and the fact he thought he can just tell me what to do, made me soooooo angry!

 

I'm not surprised that was his reaction. It's all about him, him, him. He doesn't care what you're going through or how you're feeling, so don't expect him to support you at all through whatever you decide.

 

I still think you should talk to the doctor when you go in for your appointment and ask for a referral to a counselor. MM is only going to push you in one direction because it's the most convenient for him. You need to make the decision that's right for you, not necessarily the one that's going to save his hide.

[TinaniT]

What an unmitigated *******. You responded better than I would have. I would have saved him the worry of getting anyone pregnant again, I am pretty sure.

 

His what if fear does point out that depending on this guy's career and your career, child support can be more than ample and you do not have to worry about being financially ruined. So don't let that or him make your choice for you.

 

Good luck.

[Hazyhead]

What an unmitigated *******. You responded better than I would have. I would have saved him the worry of getting anyone pregnant again, I am pretty sure.

 

Tinani!

 

Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you!

[bentnotbroken]

I wouldn't make any decision while there is so much turmoil. Even if you think you have made up your mind.

[jwi71]

So now what.

 

In your other thread we all warned you he would react poorly.

He told you why - this pregnancy will out his lying cheating ways to his family. And he in no way wants his W to find out you exist. He will never be the father you fantasized him to be. Please don't think he will. So, like 99.99% of all MM's, emotional support in this is out. At least you told him and are willing to engage him.

 

His answer will NOT change (because having the baby will mean his W must know and rule #1 for MM is the wife must never know).

 

Should you decide to keep the child, and I think you should, the he HAS NO CHOICE in monetary support. Period. Its not even a question. He can delay it by demanding you prove he is the father (he has already tipped his hand here - again, seen it before) but a simple DNA test will solve that. And yes, he will owe in arrears so its not like he is saving anything.

 

If you are thinking of keeping the child then you need to see a lawyer NOW - find a family law specialist and have a sit-down with him/her and learn your rights in your state.

 

If you decide on abortion, find a clinic and get yourself down there. My experience is limited but the one woman I know who did have one regretted it but eventually moved on (and is happily married with 3 girls now).

 

If you decide on adoption, find an OB and get with local adoption resources. There are SO many families who would love to raise your son/daughter as their own. Consider it.

 

So...which path will you walk?

 

And, I'll say it again, being a single parent is no bed of roses. Buts its not an impossible hell either. I manage to work and raise two kids and go to school. I even have a GF now.

 

It can be done...and NOTHING is as awesome as picking up my kids from daycare and being seeing those beaming, excited faces.

[noelle303]

What an unmitigated *******. You responded better than I would have. I would have saved him the worry of getting anyone pregnant again, I am pretty sure.

 

His what if fear does point out that depending on this guy's career and your career, child support can be more than ample and you do not have to worry about being financially ruined. So don't let that or him make your choice for you.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Oh god, he's lucky we weren't near the kitchen!

 

He called me once again today but I didn't pick up. I'm not talking to him before he calms down and thinks about what a jerk he's being.

And I'm not making any decision before my doctor's appointment and before talking to a counselor.

 

I think now we both need some time to mull things over.

 

 

But basicly I found out where I stand... like, if I decide to keep the baby, it will basicly be court orders and drama and yelling.

I hope that this was shock speaking from him and that he will indeed calm down. And once he does that, that he will understand that my intention is not to ruin his livelihood, or drag both of us to court... if I do decide to go through that he can atleast fulfill his financial responsibility privately.

[2sure]

Noelle - just so you dont have any misconceptions...the courts will be involved whether he decides to acknowledge responsibility or not.

[noelle303]

Noelle - just so you dont have any misconceptions...the courts will be involved whether he decides to acknowledge responsibility or not.

 

But if we work it out privately, between us?

[TaraMaiden]

A private agreement will still require some kind of legal 'stamp' on it to make sure he doesn't wriggle out of his responsibilities when he decides he doesn't want to play the game any more.

You must secure something legally binding and water-tight.

 

If you think for one moment he couldn't possibly renege on any private agreement, consider the fact that you thought telling him in the first place wouldn't be too fraught or traumatic....and look what happened there....