Told MM about my pregnancy

[noelle303]

The reason I would want a private arrangement is not because I want to please him. It's because I want to make my life less complicated.

I take him to court, he can seek out visitation rights for whatever reason... maybe even revenge. It brings along a whole new set of issues, resentment and whatever else.

 

He can do that anyway, honey. Anytime he chooses. He could take YOU to court if he chooses and fight for significant visitation times or even custody. Its doubtful, but he can. Also, you child will have grandparents, half siblings, aunts, uncles, cousin's ect... that you do not even know.

 

The point is that there are TONS of things to take into consideration, none of them insurmountable, and its done more than you can imagine, but you need all the facts before you make your decision.

 

 

I know. Every possible situation, which ever angle I look at it just has a ton of separate 'cons', you know? It's like a Rubick's cube (without the solution)... if you get one side in order, another side gets all messed up.

 

And completely disregarding any 'cons' it may have for my life, those are all 'cons' for the baby's life.

[martini-mae]

I know someone in your situation.

She actually thought that this guy cared about her.

She got pregnant. Had the baby. He claimed he'd be there, take care...give her money even! (& he has the $$$ X-Pro NFL)

Anyway, everytime she needs money he balks & can't believe a baby costs so much. He has visitation rights, but refuses to let her visit his home where this child spends time. She does not know who is taking care of her.

She tries to take him to court - but her parents aren't supportive & don't give her any help whatsoever. Courts cost money.

She obviously loves this child. However, there are many things & other people - The Baby being your first worry - to take into consideration here.

 

Also, I will never understand parents that don't support their own children's decisions - either to have the baby, or to have an abortion. You are obviously a grown woman & can do what you feel is right.

((hug)) I hope you figure this out & do what is best for you & for this child.

[whichwayisup]

I have told my friends, they know. My parents... They are not gonna support an abortion to be honest. And if thats the route I choose it will really dampen my relationship with them.

 

If you choose to abort, you don't have to tell them. In this situation since you know they won't support you or understand, you can always just say you had a miscarriage. It's noone's business now how you handle this.

[Mimolicious]

Now, to address your point. As the FATHER he HAS the RIGHT to visitation should he choose. Hell, if I were you, I would demand he take the child for visitation because the CHILD DESERVES TO KNOW HIS/HER father - and half-siblings.... You need to, provided you keep the child, to put his or her needs above all else. I know its hard to do now (the child is still "not real" to you). You have NO right to deny the father access. None. Being a lousy husband does NOT mean he is a lousy father.

 

 

JWI- You are on the money. Besides, if a court awards you CS you best believe that he will be awarded visitation rights. Comes hand in hand, even when a parent that is already in the system of CS can't afford to make their payments, the courts enforce it. The courts are more concerned with a child having a father figure than just simple check. He will have the same legal rights as you, unless he gives them up.

 

Something to think about- you will be binded to your MM for LIFE! Along with his 2 other children and his W. Start filling up your baskets with all these dynamics and maybe this can help you sort things out with a realistic approach. Reality will smack you in the face.

 

 

303,

 

A private agreement will not work..(who gives a **** about his marriage or family)

 

If you decide to have the baby...Go to court and make it legal..Think about the welfare of the child..

 

Nice! Wasn't this what got us here to begin with. I am not saying that her decision should depend on his M or F but consider the fact that they exist. Believe it or not, his family and M will play a HUGE part in all of this. Don't be ignorant. I have seen a lot, including W's making their H's quit jobs so they don't have to support their illegitimate child.

 

Ignoring your MM till he "cools" off can actually have the opposite effect. You are playing with a person's "livelihood" at this point (according to him) and people do the craziest things while in rage. You make this guy blow his top off and you may be in more danger than you can imagine. Women turn up missing or dead (God forbid) for less than this. Don't trigger the psycho in him. If you guys were adults enough to get to this point, face it like adults or involve real adults to do the sit-down.

[RedDevil66]

is there a slight chance you would have this baby in the hopes of hanging on to this guy?

Hoping he will love you or want you?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Ignoring your MM till he "cools" off can actually have the opposite effect. You are playing with a person's "livelihood" at this point (according to him) and people do the craziest things while in rage. You make this guy blow his top off and you may be in more danger than you can imagine. Women turn up missing or dead (God forbid) for less than this. Don't trigger the psycho in him. If you guys were adults enough to get to this point, face it like adults or involve real adults to do the sit-down.

 

I don't want to upset you or be dramatic, but DO NOT underestimate the possibility of this. Have a friend atleast, better yet an adult at the next meeting with him. Seriously. He's already grabbed you. Men will react like a caged animal when they are backed into a corner. This happened in our area recently actually. The OW was shot in the head and died because she had the potential to ruin MM's career if she didn't lie to save him.

[jj33]

I am only repeating what others said but here goes:

 

1. Deep breathes to relax as much as possible.

 

2. Go to your doctor and speak to a counsellor.

 

3. If you decide to keep it GO TO A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY

 

If you dont then any private agreement you make may not be legally binding and he can wriggle out of it

 

You wont want to believe he will but trust us HE WILL.

 

Look how ballistic he went when you told him.

 

His next Plan of Action will be to tell you ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he can to keep this from blowing up in his face.

 

You need to protect you, and if you decide to have the baby, the baby.

 

There is NO other way.

 

4. You have to tell your parents. I would not tell them until AFTER you have made up your mind. If you take care of it, then telling them is probably not necessary - why would they want to know if they are conservative? They wouldnt unless you have the kind of relationship with them that makes it easy to tell them (or your mother).

 

Why do I say that? Because if you want to take care of it and your parents would think you should have it, then you dont want them to shame you into that path.

 

if you think they wont be behind you if you have it, then you need to be sure of yourself and your position before you speak to them.

 

The relationship with MM is effectively over whatever you decide. He may backpeddle to try to salvage HIS position but the moment you walked out of the bathroom was the moment you made him into a "Bill Clinton" adulterer. My bet is hes never going to take that chance again. And you will never see him the same way for not supporting you. But thats good in a silver lining in a huge cyclone sort of way.

 

Big hugs

 

ps for whoever said why not confide in your friends, she has already

[herenow]

I'm sorry it went the way it did, but I'm not surprised.

 

If you put aside how this effects you, the MM or his wife and think just about the baby, you have to look at many things.

 

Will your child have the life you want for him or her? Will your child have a relationship with his or her father? Will your child have a relationship with his or her siblings? The list goes on and on, but it's the only list that matters.

 

Having a child means that for many years your priorities changes. Unless you give the child up for adoption, your wants and needs come second to your child. Unless the courts say otherwise, you will have to co-parent with a man who doesn't even want the child. Only you can decide of you are ready to be a parent. If you are, then I wish you luck.

 

Babies are blessings, they bring joy and happiness into your life. IMO, having a baby should be the most wonderful experience from the start. Do you consider this to be a wonderful experience?

 

Had you come here and said: I'm pregnant and I love this baby no matter what, I would have a different tone. Question is: Do you love your baby?

Edited July 29, 2010 by herenow

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but your statements lead me to believe you are still hoping for some sort of relationship with this man. A private agreement sounds like a way to continue the affair, but now he would have a secret family on the side.

 

You see this man in your future, even if it is just visiting your child. Many men pay child support and NEVER visit the child. There is nothing you can do to make him want to be with you. There is nothing you can do that will make him want to leave his wife. There is nothing your child can do that will make him want to leave his existing children.

 

It isn't about him anymore and never will be again. Or it shouldn't be!

 

Answer this: you have the abortion and he calls two months later and tells you how much he misses you, that he would have loved to see what kind of baby the two of you would make, maybe even says he regrets that you didn't have the baby............ will you start the affair again?

 

You really must approach this with the acceptance that you are totally on your own, whether you have the baby or not.

[TaraMaiden]

herenow, at the moment, I really don't think she should even be thinking about loving the baby.

I don't think it's even sunk in that she's pregnant, and frankly, if you will forgive me, that is an unnecessary pull on the heartstrings, and the last thing she needs right now, is her emotions being clouded even more.

She has to be impartial and think solely of the practical implications and what this is doing to her situation, now.

There will be plenty of time to 'love her baby' should it ever get to that.

 

I had to daughters.

I planned them, and wanted them.

I didn't love them from the beginning.

There's no reason why she should even consider developing feelings now.

 

Sorry....

[herenow]

herenow, at the moment, I really don't think she should even be thinking about loving the baby.

I don't think it's even sunk in that she's pregnant, and frankly, if you will forgive me, that is an unnecessary pull on the heartstrings, and the last thing she needs right now, is her emotions being clouded even more.

She has to be impartial and think solely of the practical implications and what this is doing to her situation, now.

There will be plenty of time to 'love her baby' should it ever get to that.

 

I had to daughters.

I planned them, and wanted them.

I didn't love them from the beginning.

There's no reason why she should even consider developing feelings now.

 

Sorry....

 

I respect your opinion, but I disagree, she should be thinking about her feelings for the baby. She should be thinking about how she feels about being a parent. Being a parent is all about being partial to your child. This baby already has one parent who doesn't want it. IMO, it is vital to the well-being of a child that they are loved.

[TaraMaiden]

When you're deciding whether an abortion would be the best option, loving the baby is a disastrous route.

That's why she cannot permit herself to think of it as a 'baby'.

Which it isn't. Yet.

It's just a lump of cells.

[herenow]

When you're deciding whether an abortion would be the best option, loving the baby is a disastrous route.

That's why she cannot permit herself to think of it as a 'baby'.

Which it isn't. Yet.

It's just a lump of cells.

 

OK, I see your point and your right. I guess I was just looking at it solely from the child's best interest. I would hate to see her have a baby and then realize she isn't ready. I put my personal feelings about what I feel she should do aside and posted something I shouldn't have. Sorry

[jj33]

Hey kids lets be careful not to go there and get this thread locked again too...

[herenow]

Hey kids lets be careful not to go there and get this thread locked again too...

 

OK, I'll be good.

 

Noelle, I'm glad you are seeing a doctor and speaking with a therapist. I'm sure it will help you make the right decision for you.

Edited July 29, 2010 by herenow

[TaraMaiden]

OK, I see your point and your right. I guess I was just looking at it solely from the child's best interest. I would hate to see her have a baby and then realize she isn't ready. I put my personal feelings about what I feel she should do aside and posted something I shouldn't have. Sorry

 

What a gracious, considerate and generous thing to say.

Thank you!

 

Hey kids lets be careful not to go there and get this thread locked again too...

 

Ooo-er....! Sorry, my bad!

 

OK, I'll be good.

 

Noelle, I'm glad you are seeing a doctor and speaking with a therapist. I'm sure it will help you make the right decision for you.

 

Ditto.

[herenow]

What a gracious, considerate and generous thing to say.

Thank you!

 

Namaste

 

The Goddess Spirit within me recognizes and honors the Goddess Spirit within you.

[seren]

But if we work it out privately, between us?

 

Noelle,

Me and my son's father (my XH) split up, the courts were going to take a huge amount from him for child support, I stupidly, thought it was too much as he was starting a new life with anew partner and so agreed to take far less than they had settled. The arrangement soon went downhill, he didn't pay up, I had to chase him all the time, he didn't contact our son and finally went to live in the States losing all contact with his son and as for money, forget it. Haven't had a penny off him.

Private arrangements never, ever work and I we had been married, so I had his name on the birth certificate, could have taken him to the cleaners, thought I was doing the good thing.

 

If you decide to go ahead with your pregnancy, it will either be that you bring your child up alone, or with the help of family, or perhaps meet someone else eventually who will be a Dad to the child (my H did that). Or you tell him that it will be done legally and that he should tell his wife. he may or may not want to be a part of the child's life, or he may.

 

I would imagine that everything is just a huge jumble at the moment and would counsel you taking time to look at all your options. Then make an informed decision about what will work for you. Then act on it. It won't go away, and time could be an important factor. I would also advise you to talk to your family, if you can. You are so young to go through this alone. Please take very good care of yourself. xx

[sweetjasmine]

The reason I would want a private arrangement is not because I want to please him. It's because I want to make my life less complicated.

 

A private arrangement would only make your life more complicated because it offers you literally no protection. If he reneges on your private arrangement, what are you going to do? Take him to court? A private arrangement wouldn't stop him from taking you to court, either.

 

If you decide to bring the pregnancy to term, please don't rely on private agreements. Even if you write a contract, you're not a lawyer. People like you and me who don't have legal training and experience aren't capable of handling a situation like that.

[noreply110]

OP you have received a lot of great support here, and I really have nothing to add. I just want to repeat the warning to BE CAREFUL around this man right now. You are what is threatening his perfect little world. Because you didn't agree to abort, you are a wild card, and I am sensing that he doesn't like those. He has already grabbed you.

 

I know it seems silly, that he wouldn't do anything rash, but he is NOT in his right mind. Please go out of your way to protect yourself. Make sure if you have to meet him alone, someone trusted knows, and knows the whole story.

 

Good luck.

[fooled once]

Yeah, but a private agreement would be in his best interest no?

 

If I decide to have the baby, we can make a plan, between us for him to own up to his financial responsibilities.

If he bails then I take him to court.

 

Of for heaven's sake, this is such naive thinking....

 

Why are you worried about whats in his best interest?

YOU need to take care of YOU. Quit playing games..it's only going to make things worse. Answer his calls and tell him that if he's calmed down then you will speak to him. If he says no..then simply say goodbye. You made an adult decision to be where you are right now so you both need to act like adults. Screaming isn't going to do anything but stress you out. sit down and talk. and fellow posters..did you not get it in the last thread?!? Quit trying to push ur pro-choice/pro-life decisions down her throat! She stated once that she didn't want to hear it. We are here for support and advice..

 

 

Good post!!

 

You're getting the wrong impression. I don't care for my relationship with him... however whether I like it or not, he's a big part of my future now.

 

The reason I would want a private arrangement is not because I want to please him. It's because I want to make my life less complicated.

I take him to court, he can seek out visitation rights for whatever reason... maybe even revenge. It brings along a whole new set of issues, resentment and whatever else.

 

The only other less complicated way would be to have the baby but cut all ties with him.

 

 

Anyway... it's just a toxic environment for a child. This whole situation. Whichever way you turn it... it's not right for it.

 

Welcome to the world of grownups

 

I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but your statements lead me to believe you are still hoping for some sort of relationship with this man. A private agreement sounds like a way to continue the affair, but now he would have a secret family on the side.

 

You see this man in your future, even if it is just visiting your child. Many men pay child support and NEVER visit the child. There is nothing you can do to make him want to be with you. There is nothing you can do that will make him want to leave his wife. There is nothing your child can do that will make him want to leave his existing children.

 

It isn't about him anymore and never will be again. Or it shouldn't be!

 

Answer this: you have the abortion and he calls two months later and tells you how much he misses you, that he would have loved to see what kind of baby the two of you would make, maybe even says he regrets that you didn't have the baby............ will you start the affair again?

 

You really must approach this with the acceptance that you are totally on your own, whether you have the baby or not.

 

Ditto the bold!!

 

And be ready for him to come at you with a vengance if you decide to keep the baby - he could easily go for custody, saying you are an irresponsible unfit parent and he and his wife could provide a more loving, stable environment and the child will be with its siblings.

 

Babies are HARD, demand work; and throw in the baby blues afterwards, and a colicky baby and look out.

[BB07]

Hi Noelle.....just wanted to say I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time and I'm sorry that you have to make such a hard decision.

 

 

Hugs.....

[Angel1111]

Think REALLY hard about your choice. If he wants to be a real douche, he can try to do the same just to get you back, but more than likely, he will be relieved if you abort.

 

There is NOTHING special about bringing an unwanted soul into this already hard world.

 

I would also suggest you stop all contact with this guy and give yourself a good chance at a happy/healthy life.

 

Not to mention that these two can't even have a civil conversation about it. This does not bode well for future involvement with him with a child involved. The child will grow up with fighting, yelling parents - and don't kid yourself into thinking that things will change. Please don't do that to a kid. It's devastating. Either have the baby and move far, far away, or make this man think you aborted the baby, put the baby up for adoption, or have an abortion. I'm afraid that if you keep this jerk in your life, it will be something you'll always regret. Whatever you do, you need to cut ties with this man. He's a total jerk and if you couldn't see it before, I hope you're seeing it now.

[Angel1111]

But if we work it out privately, between us?

 

Please do not go there. Take everyone else's advice on this. Women get themselves into trouble all the time by being too nice. Men prey on this quality and they are much more clinical about this stuff than you'll ever imagine. He just went into self-protection mode and there are no limits as to what he'll do now to stop it from happening. He isn't thinking about a cuddly baby that the two of you made. He's thinking death and destruction to his life as he now knows it and he's in complete panic mode.

 

This is how I think things really are - he was having fun screwing around on his wife and pumping up his ego. And now reality has slammed him square in the face. There is no end to the amount of dancing he'll do to preserve his current way of life, and to keep his wife from finding this out. It will completely shatter his marriage, even if they stay married. It will destroy him - that's why you cannot trust him now because he's not on your side. And by 'not being nice', it doesn't mean you have to be a meanie, but it does mean not letting someone walk all over you, and it means protecting yourself.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Angel1111

[califnan]

Noelle,

 

It seems that most here want you to eradicate the baby, because they think it will make the problem go away.

 

I have noticed that all kinds of problems and road blocks are being thrown in front of you such as worrying about the MM's involvement in the baby's life..

 

Please do what is best for you and your baby .. Hopefully if you have your baby - just take it one step at a time.

 

My grandson hasn't had it easy with childcare and such, but he is such a happy little boy.. Everyone in his life adores him.

 

Your parents would want to know what is going on in their daughter's life regardless..

 

You know, as it has happened .. my grandson may have turned out to be the only grandchild that I will have..