Told MM about my pregnancy

[desertIslandCactus]

One day at a time? Please. One day at a time gets you to "gee, i have no money, no child care, no child support, no education, no medical care, and a child with colic and no emotional or capable support."

 

You can't do one day at a time with a child. It requires planning and preparation, and an 18 year commitment.

 

-------------------

 

Do you think all parents, twosome or single, are financially equiped to raise their children?

 

I will guarantee you one thing: All parents haven't been through the grueling worst case scenerios, going into the years, that others are putting Noelle through on LoveShack.

 

This reading on here has worn me out. I can imagine how it must be for Noelle.

 

All parents do one day at a time with their families. That is all they can do.

[Fieldsofgold]

Sorry hone but to be 'portrayed' as such one has to give reasons. Are you assuming that the OP is the 20 yr old with no education, financial means, out partying all the time, and will be an unfit mother?

As aggressive and smart an attorney may be, if there is no actual evidence of such behavior his case can't wont hold off much in court. Don't mislead someone in a situation like this with painting a drastic scenario. If this is not the type of person she is, why would she have to worry about a judge taking her child away because she is unfit?

 

There are thousands of resources for single parents who are trying to do the right thing. It takes a lot of "unfit" evidence for a child to be removed from his/her mother.

 

This is very, very accurate. In addition to everything else, he will have to man up for medical insurance and the birth-related expenses. (That's medical insurance until the child turns 18)

Edited July 30, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Fieldsofgold]

maybe you should have the courage to post under your usual username

 

Ok, now this is scary! I thought this was supposed to be a safe place to post - anonymously. This is only the second board I have ever been on, so I sont know exactly how these things work. Is there some breach of privacy here, that people can know who other posters are?

[CrayonAngel]

Noelle, I hope your Appt goes well today!

 

Just know that you are never alone in anything. No matter what you do, your parents will still love you. No matter what you do, things WILL work out for the best. I think you should take some "Me time" and go get a pedicure or a massage. Do something to calm your mind.

[norajane]

-------------------

 

Do you think all parents, twosome or single, are financially equiped to raise their children?

 

I will guarantee you one thing: All parents haven't been through the grueling worst case scenerios, going into the years, that others are putting Noelle through on LoveShack.

 

This reading on here has worn me out. I can imagine how it must be for Noelle.

 

All parents do one day at a time with their families. That is all they can do.

 

All parents should consider how they are going to care for a baby. Whether they do or not is up for debate.

 

A 20 year old without a job or education, should absolutely be giving thought to the future she about to embark upon and plan for HOW she is going to do it. She can't just change her mind later. She can't just throw her hands up in the air and say, "oh, well, whatever. it will all magically work out for the next 18 years". This is her LIFE that will change, dramatically and completely. Her LIFE, as it is now, will be gone and nothing like it is now. Shouldn't she give some thought to how to make that life change and plan for it?

 

People give that kind of thought to career, buying a house, buying a car, or planning for a big vacation. Shouldn't having a child generate just a little bit of thought, more so than planning a vacation??

Edited July 30, 2010 by norajane

[Fieldsofgold]

Sh*t happens, nothing wrong with getting drunk while a few days preggies.

Besides, check out all the unhealthy mothers who down mcd's, ice cream, sods and smoke while preggies.

 

She made a mistake, she acknowledged it and it's over, The end!

 

This is so true. I don't advocate drinking while pregnant, or anything else unhealthy while pregnant, but one night drinking? Really???!!!

[CrayonAngel]

umm last time I checked there isn't such thing as Bigmac Fetal Syndrome..

 

just sayin guys...

[Fieldsofgold]

You will have to be a crackhead to lose custody of your child, JB. It's not that simple as to tell a judge "we have the white picket fence" and whaalah! full custody granted. Child custody laws differ from state to state but it is very very hard for this scenario to play out as you mentioned. I want to say, they can most likely very much start with lunch at the "child support" agency before getting to this.

 

This is quite true. Besides, for someone to go to all that trouble and expense, they would have to REALLY want the child. No one would abort their child, just to keep someone who really wanted it that much, from getting custody, would they?

 

But the fact remains that, short of being a crackhead, it ain't gonna happen. And even then, sometimes, it ain't gonna happen.

 

The fact remains that Noelle is an intelligent young woman with a bright future ahead of her - whether she has the child or not. Just for the record, my daughter and I have both been quite successful. She has several advanced degrees and is a clinical research scientist. We have discussed, log before this thread, and both agree that we made more of ourselves because we were single mothers with children. I had no one to help me, and made my way in the world with an 11th grade typing class! I just kept building on it, motivated greatly by my love for my daughter.

[Fieldsofgold]

This is so true. I don't advocate drinking while pregnant, or anything else unhealthy while pregnant, but one night drinking? Really???!!!

 

Fortunately, Noelle has taken seriously the LS TOS that this is an opinion board, and not a substitute for medical or legal advise. She is seeing her doctor, even while we quibble, and her doctor will be able to advise her regarding any risks she make have incurred, better than we can.

[GordonDarkfoot]

umm last time I checked there isn't such thing as Bigmac Fetal Syndrome..

 

just sayin guys...

 

 

Obviously you've never taken a close look at the Hamburglar.

[donnamaybe]

Sorry, but the first trimester is THE most important for proper growth and development.

[Fieldsofgold]

All parents should consider how they are going to care for a baby. Whether they do or not is up for debate.

 

A 20 year old without a job or education, should absolutely be giving thought to the future she about to embark upon and plan for HOW she is going to do it. She can't just change her mind later. She can't just throw her hands up in the air and say, "oh, well, whatever. it will all magically work out for the next 18 years". This is her LIFE that will change, dramatically and completely. Her LIFE, as it is now, will be gone and nothing like it is now. Shouldn't she give some thought to how to make that life change and plan for it?

 

People give that kind of thought to career, buying a house, buying a car, or planning for a big vacation. Shouldn't having a child generate just a little bit of thought, more so than planning a vacation??

 

Yes, and as the saying goes, "life is what happens while you are making other plans."

 

I posted this already, but it would have been more appropriate here:

 

The fact remains that Noelle is an intelligent young woman with a bright future ahead of her - whether she has the child or not. Just for the record, my daughter and I have both been quite successful. She has several advanced degrees and is a clinical research scientist. We have discussed, long before this thread, and both agree that we made more of ourselves because we were single mothers with children. We were more motivated. We both felt we had a purpose higher than ourselves. I was 20, had no one to help me, no education, and made my way in the world with what I learned in an 11th grade typing class! I just kept building on it, motivated greatly by my love for my daughter. And I have never once regretted having her - not for one minute. Not even when I was 20 and single.

 

Whatever Noelle decides, I believe she will have a good life. I hope we don't get into another off-topic debate and shut this thread down, too.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[norajane]

Yes, and as the saying goes, "life is what happens while you are making other plans."

 

I posted this already, but it would have been more appropriate here:

 

The fact remains that Noelle is an intelligent young woman with a bright future ahead of her - whether she has the child or not. Just for the record, my daughter and I have both been quite successful. She has several advanced degrees and is a clinical research scientist. We have discussed, long before this thread, and both agree that we made more of ourselves because we were single mothers with children. I was 20, had no one to help me, no education, and made my way in the world with an 11th grade typing class! I just kept building on it, motivated greatly by my love for my daughter. And I have never once regretted having her - not for one minute.

 

I did not tell her not to have the child, nor that it would be a mistake to have the child, nor that she would regret having the child, nor that she wouldn't be able to care for the child, nor that she wouldn't love the child, nor that the child wouldn't be the light of her life.

 

What I suggested was PLANNING for it if she chose to have it. And I gave her concrete suggestions on what exactly to PLAN for.

 

Why is it such anathema to take a look at her current financial situation, medical benefits, job benefits and child care options so that she can be better PREPARED to have the child? The more informed she is, the better she can prepare and have in place what she needs, and DO what she needs to do to give her child a home. Shutting her eyes and taking the plunge with no thought to how make it work isn't in her best interests.

[Mimolicious]

Sorry, but the first trimester is THE most important for proper growth and development.

 

 

Many women have no knowledge of being pregnant for weeks into their pregnancy. Even a doctor will tell you not to stress the few drinks you had before knowing (yes the OP knew) but I highly doubt this will have life lasting effects to her fetus. Now, if she decides to go through with having her baby then she should start taking care of herself from the minute she decides to have it.

 

Hope her appt went well.

[Fieldsofgold]

I did not tell her not to have the child, nor that it would be a mistake to have the child, nor that she would regret having the child, nor that she wouldn't be able to care for the child, nor that she wouldn't love the child, nor that the child wouldn't be the light of her life.

 

What I suggested was PLANNING for it if she chose to have it. And I gave her concrete suggestions on what exactly to PLAN for.

 

Why is it such anathema to take a look at her current financial situation, medical benefits, job benefits and child care options so that she can be better PREPARED to have the child? The more informed she is, the better she can prepare and have in place what she needs, and DO what she needs to do to give her child a home. Shutting her eyes and taking the plunge with no thought to how make it work isn't in her best interests.

 

Well, you're right. I apologise. I misunderstood your post.

 

In addition to all that, she should talk to an attorney to get an idea for how much the father would have to provide, not just child support, but medical benefits, maybe contribute to housing, there may be other factors. He may have to help finance the rest of N's education. I don't know. I'm not an attorney. I'm just guessing that there may be more assistance available than she could/would imagine. So the attorney is important.

 

And any other possible resources.

[TinaniT]

Sh*t happens, nothing wrong with getting drunk while a few days preggies.

Besides, check out all the unhealthy mothers who down mcd's, ice cream, sods and smoke while preggies.

 

She made a mistake, she acknowledged it and it's over, The end!

 

No doubt!

 

While it wasn't the best choice after she knew she was pregnant, and there is no doubt that repetitive drinking while pregnant is bad for the fetus, one single night drinking early in the pregnancy is exceptionally unlikely to cause any problems. I'd wonder if those overly concerned have actually read the statistics.

I discussed this with my doctor when I was pregnant (a surprise, as I mentioned earlier) because I had drank before I knew I was pregnant, once, and was taking birth control pills every day until I found out. He gave me some good literature to put my mind at ease that very clearly laid out that problem drinking has been conclusively tied to problems and one night would not likely cause a problem. Of course, I would absolutely advise her not to drink at all going forward.

 

It's funny what is acceptable during a pregnancy. People stop exercising (not medically advised) and eat junk food while pregnant, despite how excess sugar intake and sedentary behavior is not optimal for a fetus's development, either (the research is pouring in on this, especially in the field of epigenetics, had an interesting class at school that discussed this). It has so much to do with cultural acceptability more than making the best choices.

 

Now most of that is here nor their unless OP asks about advice for the best possible pregnancy, so I guess my point is let's not harass her for one mistake.

[Fieldsofgold]

All parents should consider how they are going to care for a baby. Whether they do or not is up for debate.

 

A 20 year old without a job or education, should absolutely be giving thought to the future she about to embark upon and plan for HOW she is going to do it. She can't just change her mind later. She can't just throw her hands up in the air and say, "oh, well, whatever. it will all magically work out for the next 18 years". This is her LIFE that will change, dramatically and completely. Her LIFE, as it is now, will be gone and nothing like it is now. Shouldn't she give some thought to how to make that life change and plan for it?

 

People give that kind of thought to career, buying a house, buying a car, or planning for a big vacation. Shouldn't having a child generate just a little bit of thought, more so than planning a vacation??

 

Not sure about the education, but she has a job.

[Fieldsofgold]

All parents should consider how they are going to care for a baby. Whether they do or not is up for debate.

 

A 20 year old without a job or education, should absolutely be giving thought to the future she about to embark upon and plan for HOW she is going to do it. She can't just change her mind later. She can't just throw her hands up in the air and say, "oh, well, whatever. it will all magically work out for the next 18 years". This is her LIFE that will change, dramatically and completely. Her LIFE, as it is now, will be gone and nothing like it is now. Shouldn't she give some thought to how to make that life change and plan for it?

 

People give that kind of thought to career, buying a house, buying a car, or planning for a big vacation. Shouldn't having a child generate just a little bit of thought, more so than planning a vacation??

 

Not sure about the education, but she has a job.

[norajane]

Not sure about the education, but she has a job.

 

From her first thread, this is where she is:

 

I've been involved with a married man for the past 5 months. I'm 20 years old, a full time student and part time I work in administration of a small financial company.

 

He is 30, married for the past 5 years with two small boys.

 

So my suggestions to her below are not just smoke. She may want to consider getting a full time job at this time, both for the income and the medical benefits she probably doesn't have through her part time job. Or she may want to try and finish up her degree, depending on how close she is to graduation, so she at least has that in pocket for her future, if she can make it work with appropriate child care and income via whatever route she can manage.

 

She has other choices she needs to make right now if she chooses to have this child, and steps she needs to take.

 

- Look into your medical insurance and see what is and isn't covered as far as pre-natal care and childbirth go. And what you are covered for after the baby comes since there will be many visits for vaccinations and well-baby care.

 

- You said you were in school? Find out if your school has any sort of child care facilities so you could possibly continue your studies, if you can do that while being a new mom. It would be a shame to derail your education if you don't have to. Ultimately, that degree will help you have a better career, so think longer term if you can.

 

- Do you have a job, too? Find out what your maternity benefits are, how much time off you can take after the baby is born. It's usually not that much - 6-12 weeks, I think - so make sure you set up child care arrangements of some kind if you plan to continue working. You'll need to figure that child care part out long before you need it - there are waiting lists to get into good day care, and many won't take infants.

 

- Sit down, do some research, and make a real budget for the coming 9 months and the first year of the baby's life. You'd be surprised how quickly things like diapers and wet wipes and formula and baby food add up to real dollars. Add in medical expenses that insurance doesn't cover, child care costs, and of course,, include your own expenses on top of that for your budget. And your education costs if you plan to keep studying. And compare that to what you will receive if you work and get maternity benefits, and if you don't have a job. I think this will be an important exercise for you in deciding whether to go to court for child support.

 

- Keep in mind, child support isn't going to cover everything you need nor even all your child expenses, unless this guy is very well off, so you will need an additional source of income of some kind, too. See a lawyer (and factor in those costs!) and find out what you might reasonably expect as child support, depending on MM's income and current financial obligations.

 

My point is, if you really want to be a mother, then PLAN ahead of time as best as you can so you can have the best start.

[jwi71]

One that probably doesn't provide maternity insurance or maternity benefits.

 

She's only 20. It's very unlikely that she's graduated from college at that age. It's well documented that people with high school diplomas earn less than those with degrees, and those who quit school to care for an infant rarely finish their education. What she will be able to offer the child will be limited.

 

If she is in the US she is likely covered by her parent's insurance - especially being a FT student. Most insurance allows that and this would cover the delivery and prenatal care.

 

The money issue isn't all that bad Noelle. Even if you don't have insurance, their are public hospitals which offer VERY low cost deliveries.

 

Daycare for a newborn, in Texas anyways, cost 600 month for FT. Diapers and formula aren't too bad. Grandparents love buying clothes - especially if you have a daughter. Schools, at least mine does, offer programs and support for single moms (mine has a daycare for students that is open until 9:30p).

 

I can remember, just a few years back, that a baby costs about 1000/mo for me...daycare, food, diapers and Dr's. In Texas child support, I think, is 15% gross salary for one...so if he makes 60k, you get 900 a month. It ain't so bad. Also, the father can be ORDERED to provide health insurance on HIS insurance. Courts are awesome now (I said the finally got it right).

 

Contact a lawyer (should you decide to keep your baby) and learn the law.

 

ITS NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

[Fight4Me]

There are a lot of programs (both public and private) that will assist single moms with the cost of childcare, housing, education, groceries, etc., so while it is still difficult, it is not impossible to raise a child on your own while continuing on towards a degree/career.

 

The father and BS may not want anything to do with child visitation, but there would be an extra set of grandparents who might.

 

Noel is going to make up her mind one way or another, so I want to try to focus on the positive in this "mess," should she be considering having and keeping her baby. Here is just one website I found with information regarding the resources I mentioned above: http://www.singlemom.com/Default.aspx

 

Noel, I'll reiterate what others have said. No matter what, you'll still receive support regardless of what you decide. Good luck.

[fooled once]

This is very, very accurate. In addition to everything else, he will have to man up for medical insurance and the birth-related expenses. (That's medical insurance until the child turns 18)

 

Well, you're right. I apologise. I misunderstood your post.

 

In addition to all that, she should talk to an attorney to get an idea for how much the father would have to provide, not just child support, but medical benefits, maybe contribute to housing, there may be other factors. He may have to help finance the rest of N's education. I don't know. I'm not an attorney. I'm just guessing that there may be more assistance available than she could/would imagine. So the attorney is important.

 

And any other possible resources.

 

I just had to respond that having a child doesn't mean the father pays for everything. He doesn't HAVE to pay for medical; the mother could be ordered to pay for that. I chose in my divorce to be medically responsible for my son.

 

No way should the father contribute outside of c/s. Housing? Are you kidding? Her education? WHY??????

 

She will be ordered child support - part of that child support is the roof over its head, clothing, diapers and whatever else (electric bill, rent, car insurance). He will not be ordered to help pay for HER education - they aren't married and have been involved 5 months. Let's not start telling her things that aren't true. She isn't even entitled to alimony since she is not the wife. He will be ordered to pay HIS FAIR SHARE of child support and Noelle is responsible for her share.

[Mimolicious]

I just had to respond that having a child doesn't mean the father pays for everything. He doesn't HAVE to pay for medical; the mother could be ordered to pay for that. I chose in my divorce to be medically responsible for my son.

 

No way should the father contribute outside of c/s. Housing? Are you kidding? Her education? WHY??????

 

She will be ordered child support - part of that child support is the roof over its head, clothing, diapers and whatever else (electric bill, rent, car insurance). He will not be ordered to help pay for HER education - they aren't married and have been involved 5 months. Let's not start telling her things that aren't true. She isn't even entitled to alimony since she is not the wife. He will be ordered to pay HIS FAIR SHARE of child support and Noelle is responsible for her share.

 

I have to agree with FO. The medical coverage, uummm, if he is the father and is the one with health coverage out of the 2, then yes. The court can make him add the child to his insurance. The mother wont be ordered to pay for a coverage that the father has and she doesn't. Pointless. This happened to someone I know.

 

As to pay for her education and housing? Out of control! That wont happen. Nothing binds him legally to the mother. CS is for the expenses of the CHILD not the Custodial Parent. Every state has a different CS calculation method and %. Noelle can look up what the rate is in her state.

 

 

She's only 20. It's very unlikely that she's graduated from college at that age. It's well documented that people with high school diplomas earn less than those with degrees, and those who quit school to care for an infant rarely finish their education. What she will be able to offer the child will be limited.

 

In part I agree with your statement Balenciaga but in all honesty it made me very sad to read the bolded part. Who are we to tell someone what she is able to offer or not offer her child?!??!! Speaking as a parent, who had her kids in an almost "perfect scenario" (home, spouse, income, etc) yet my children gave me the drive to each day better myself, even when I thought I had it all. There is no limit on who I can become mostly thanks to them.

 

If Noelle decides to have her baby, no doubt there will be sleepless nights, she may even have days that she wont have $$ for food but to say that there is limit to what she can offer her child is really out of our league. There may be limits at first but Noelle, you can build from the ground up, it is all up to you. It's not the end of the world.

I wish you well.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Mimolicious

[Mimolicious]

 

Mimo: I stand by my statement. She's young and uneducated. At this point, her options are limited, and so are the child's. Unless she has wealthy parents willing to help her, or she wins the lottery, that is.

 

 

Riiiigghhtttt! Let's be for real. This will be the end of the rope for Noelle if she allows it. Nothing if life is IMPOSSIBLE! You are already classifying her as someone that will add to downturn statistics. There are plenty of "young" parents that have achieve their goals. Perhaps, not the "traditional" way but they have.

 

Jwi and fight4me: You are basically saying that she will have to either depend upon a MM that doesn't want the burden for financial support and/or be on welfare. Great. I'm happy to pay my tax dollars for an irresponsible youngster who couldn't keep her legs closed.

 

A MM not wanting the "burden"- then you crucified the OW calling her an "irresponsible youngster who couldn't keep her legs closed". Nice! Seems like you forgot a few derogatory words for the other party responsible in this mess (MM). After all, he had to stick his hot dog in the open bread.

 

Trust me, There goes my fed, state, city, corp and property taxes as well but we are not here tactless reps of the house.

[desertIslandCactus]

Jwi and fight4me: You are basically saying that she will have to either depend upon a MM that doesn't want the burden for financial support and/or be on welfare. Great. I'm happy to pay my tax dollars for an irresponsible youngster who couldn't keep her legs closed.

 

Mimo: I stand by my statement. She's young and uneducated. At this point, her options are limited, and so are the child's. Unless she has wealthy parents willing to help her, or she wins the lottery, that is.

 

--------------------

 

The father would be legally expected to pay his share for the child.

 

As for your version of paying support, I think one of our best expenditures is in America's future. You want to see genuine waste, check and see what the bulk of your taxes really go for.

 

"$1000." a month out of pocket to raise a baby, some posters are throwing out anything until they can get it to stick.