LuvSick Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I found this site very helpful, reading peoples problems and advices really helped me.. . I have been with my Ex for 5 yrs 1/2 now, we have been together since college. We were so much i love with each other, we spend our days almost every day. She was my best friend and my lover..hel she was my life, we have been through so much. Our family was also close, I was pretty much sure that we'd end up getting married and live hapily..I thought she could never live without me..or so I thought. This past 2 months I felt she is very cold and far. She doesnt kiss me passionately like before, she'd rather sleep than talk to me about her day, she doesnt want to sleep with me..she pushes me ways and tells me that its wrong (I was puzzled because we've been sleeping for the last 5 years). Well I thought we needed I timeout, that we needed time to think and that we are taking our relationship for granted. Well she said "OK and tells me how much she loves me", so we didnt see each other for 2 weeks..but we somtimes send text messages saying we still love each other. Then I found out that she was going on dinner dates with a new guy at work for the past week, I really made me felt angry, betrayed, that I called her and told her that "we are over". its been a week now, I called her last night, I told her that I really really miss her...she told me to move-on. I'm really confused right now, how could she change? I really really miss her, I dont like to eat or sleep..I cry at night remembering the past. I dont wanna be with someone else, valentines is coming and I dont have my love one...should I try to get her back? I know shell break when she sees me in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Do you have any idea what caused her to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 We are very close..so close that we fight on things that dont matter..like being late, not calling, etc.. I dont know if our relationship had been healthy since even though we shout and each other, calling each other names..at the end of the day we'd make up and sweet on one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 How often do u fight, some fighting is healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 11, 2004 Author Share Posted February 11, 2004 we fight often..mostly when we are spending time with each other. I really dont know why she changed Darkangelism..I really really thought she couldnt live without me..maybe because of the other guy shes been dating, she moved on just like that Link to post Share on other sites
carra Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 hi luvsick, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. You said you and your girl always fought? That doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship. couples have squables, but not constantly. it seem like you liked the little fights w/ your girl, maybe she didn't. But ultimately if it is meant to be then things will work out best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 We did constantly fight, I thought it was normal being with my gf for 5 years, we've had a lot of fights...but at the end of the day we'd kiss and make up. I didn't contact her these couple of days...she sent me an email this morning saying that she'll treasure our memories and will be my friend forever. I really miss her...breaking up is really painful Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 12, 2004 Author Share Posted February 12, 2004 We just talked...It seems she is happy..I asked her why. she told me that I should move on. I asked why is she hapi and I promised that I wouldnt get angry. She told me that that she found a new inspiration, and that she dont want us to get back...coz we would fight again. It really hurts I really love her...how could she chose another guy over me when they met for a few days and we were together for 5 years. I feel that lyf sucks! its stupid, I'm really angy and depressed right now Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 awww thats sucks. i know how you feel. the thing is that its a harsh thing to say, but you cant make someone love you if they dont. it may seem like a chiche, but if it was meant to be it shall be. my b/f and i broke up a while ago and he went on a few dates, but he came back to me. i'm not trying to give you false hope or anything, but maybe it was for the best that she left. maybe she's opening the door for some better to come into your life. a lot of things people are gonna say to you may just seem like bs but the truth is that life goes on. she may not be the one or she may be, but we dont know that. i think you by asking for advice you're on your way to feeling better. love hurts sweetheart. but we live and learn. one of my ex crushed me. i thought i'd never survived without him and the world was coming to an end. but i realized that it was just our relationship after much pain, tears, fustration and anger. dont forget those things are all normal to feel and you have a right to feel that way. just dont use it to hurt yourself or others. you are entitled to your feelings. go out a lil with friends. go on a friendly date with someone no strings attach, just try not to talk about your ex. talk to friends about it. come here and talk to us about it. take it one step at a time. there is no rush. you have all the time in the world. sometimes people change and we dont always adjust to those changes. the world is cruel and unkind, unfortunately. we have to make the best of it. think about it though, the more we go thru the more we learn, make a few mistakes and we correct them next time around. Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Originally posted by LuvSick I really love her...how could she chose another guy over me when they met for a few days and we were together for 5 years If it helps at all, she probably didn't just meet him a few days ago. If she's been cold, etc. for a few months, that's probably when she met him and slowly started getting interested in him. So she probably already knew him, platonicly, much better than you thought. And if that's the case, don't feel bad that you initiated the break, because she probably would have done it herself pretty soon. That's what mine did. She even acted like yours to me in the weeks leading up to the breakup. In fact, your story is almost EXACTLY like mine. You might get some more insight on your situation if you read some of the posts I initiated. Unfortunately, at this point, there's really probably nothing you can do that will help the situation. If you feel like there's things left unsaid that you want to get out, put it in a hand-written letter and send it. But don't make it too heavy, and don't talk about getting back together. Just apologize for any specific things that you recognize that you may have done wrong, and let her know that her happiness is all you desire, even if it's with someone else (if it was true love, you should really feel that way, even though it's extremely painful to you). There was some very good advice on my very first thread on this site about what are appropriate things to say. She's enamored with someone else, and as long as that's the case, she's not going to want to hear much that you have to say. With a hand-written letter, at least maybe she'll keep it somewhere, and there's more of a possibility that she'll read it again someday when her heart is more open to what you have to say, like maybe if/when this new relationship is over or she's having doubts about the new relationship. The only other thing you can do now is be patient, don't try to contact her (other than perhaps that single letter) or try to get her back, because since she doesn't want to hear it those things will only push her away. And then you have to legitimately try to move on with your life, even though it's extremely hard. Maybe someday things will work out, but you can't plan on it and you have to live your life like it won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 13, 2004 Author Share Posted February 13, 2004 Thank you Hidden Piglet and Marty, It's been a relief that there are people that came through similar to my situation, your post had lighten my depressed morning. I think your right Marty, it was the same month when she met the other guy that she acted weird. I really tried to get her back last nite, I begged her , I told her that I love her and I'm willing to change to save our relationship...I asked her out for dinner to talked about it...she declined and told me that she needs time to think. don't try to contact her I'm afraid that if we lose contact, We'll never get back...I cant bare the pain. I thought about this and I think I'm going to send a handwrittend letter just like you said on valentines..with flowers or her favorite chocolates..I hope I wont be pushing it Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 You probably won't get back, your realationship doesnt sound like it was healthy. Im sorry to sound so cold. But the pain will ease and you will find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 Women typically leave one man by hooking up with another. It's more common for them to do this than to break up in order to remain single. That's especially the case when the woman is ambivalent about the first relationship. Usually, there are parts of it she likes, parts of it she doesn't. She uses the new guy as a catalyst for action. It doesn't mean she prefers him over you. How could she? She can't possibly know him as well as she does you given how long you've been together. But, it does mean that she prefers to be out rather than in. Something about your relationship was wearing on her, and wearing on her enough to make her take an out. Don't focus on yourself as loser or the other guy as winner in this scenario, as hard as that may be to do. Focus on accepting that something in the relationship was seriously not meeting her needs, she wasn't being honest about that with you, and rather than talking about it and trying to work things out, she jumped ship. She likely did that because she's not very mature. She's wondering not only if there's something more exciting / different / ideal out there (including this other guy) that will make her feel more alive and satisfied than she has been, but also if the freedom and excitement etc. will allow her to be the person she thinks she really is or deserves to be. You'll have the best chance with her by saying okay -- be who you are. I accept that you felt limited / suffocated / whatever by us and want something else. I felt like I could be who I really was with you -- and I'm sorry if you didn't feel the same. If you change your mind, come see me. I can't be friends; I've got to get on with my life. And please, take that last to heart. Staying attached to her is only going to lengthen the healing process and lead her to believe she can use you as a sounding board and even shoulder to cry on. She's already had that and decided to walk away from it. That's the price of not being with you -- she doesn't get to have you. --uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 13, 2004 Author Share Posted February 13, 2004 Uriel, What you said was exactly what she said to me, she told me when we last talked that she wants to see what the future holds for her, she said she wants to remain single and that she doesnt luv the new guy but likes to be with him. She told me things she didnt like in our relationship...I told her that I could fix it and that she its risking what we both invested for 5 years...I could not take it anymore so I made her say it to my face...that she didnt love me. After that I was somewhat relieved, I dont have regrets now..no what if's. I'll take it slowly...to move-on and take what ever life throws at me, I wish it was all that easy...but I'll try. I left her a message that I will move-on and will accept her if she changes her mind...I changed my mind on giving her flowers and chocolates tommorow, I'm not an idiot. Thank you people. you really helped me through the most painful experience of my life. carra, HiDDeN PiGLeT, Marty, Darkangelism and Uriel Thank you...I hope you all get what you want in life, you all were sincere and I dont even know you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted February 14, 2004 Share Posted February 14, 2004 What more can you do? You already begged her and she sees that she's got the best of you. Glad to see that you've changed your mind about the chocolates, flowers, and love letters. ~V Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 I'm glad what we've been writing has helped. I'm glad, too, that you've decided not to give her romantic Valentine's gifts. Although the gesture would convey that you still care about her, she'd be more likely to view it as your not hearing her or taking her seriously. If this move she's making is about wanting to be more mature and see what the future holds, your beginning to treat her in an equally mature and liberated way will win more points than clinging to the past. The love you had, the good times, all of it was real and can't be lessened by the break. Of course, she loves you even if she says now that she doesn't. Love doesn't end when relationships do. But, sometimes, often in fact, love is not enough to keep people together once they've moved past a certain time in their lives when they were good for one another. That's especially true of early love relationships. She's saying she doesn't love you because she doesn't want you to have false hope. She's decided being free, moving on, is what she needs right now. Accept this as being about her -- don't make this about your not being good enough or your relationship being built on lies. You knew what was true then; don't doubt yourself or the past now. It's going to be tough for a while, maybe a long while, but as you start healing, ask yourself some questions: Who are you in the present, apart from who you've been with her? What do you want from life? What can you do to start working toward that today, step by step, to make that happen? If you grow towards one another, you may find each other again. If you grow apart, you'll find people you'll love in very different ways (each love is special) but just as much. Become the man you can be proud of and you'll attract the woman of your dreams, at least the dreams you have in that present moment. I've never seen it fail. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 19, 2004 Author Share Posted February 19, 2004 I failed, I'm so sad this evening. I tried to apply the "No contact policy" for a week now...but she keeps sending me sms "missing u and stuff" and have been asking favors. I failed on the no contact coz I replied, I did her favors. I thought she wants me back after sending me sms "like missing u" and asking me "how are u", I thought 1 week of no contact worked, so I asked her if she wants to go back and work the relationship. She replied with a "I love you but I don't want to go back anymore"...I got sadder and sadder and angrier...is there end! I tried to go out, but memories of us keeps running in my mind, I really wish I could forget everything! I really wish I did not meet her! thats all, just want to get it off my chest Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 Darkangelism, what kind of fights do you see as good, do you mean getting stuff out in the open & challenging each others opinions, if so i agree, me & my s/o are both very opinionated about all things & don't mind venting this, in fact we thrive on it & get a buzz out of challenging each other & other people over issues especially when we disagree. This brings out passions that are great. This i miss so much. Luvsick, it took me time that women like flowers & chocs, but when it's like in a bribing way, it's counterproductive & begging isn't great either, i did that initially in desperation & shock, but i don't think it works. Giving time & space is the best, but make sure she knows your feelings & show your fixing what it was that made you split. Push & Pull, i was told, you push & they pull & vica versa. But never the less, thats bad man & my heart goes out to you, i'm a jealous guy & it's not a fault, it's a genetic make up & i'd feel like hell. Uriel, is it right to generalise that women tend to have some other guy to fill the place, my s/o just wanted to be alone & free & needing of space, i would have thought the contrary was more viable, that a man would have someone else lined up. Do you think someone acn not love you now, but after time, which changes people, they could love again. I'm in transformation & this my fingers are crossed over! Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I failed, I'm so sad this evening. I tried to apply the "No contact policy" for a week now...but she keeps sending me sms "missing u and stuff" and have been asking favors. I failed on the no contact coz I replied, I did her favors. You did fail and it's all your fault! You played right into her hand and she ate you up! Before I jump to conclusions, what kind of favors were these? I thought she wants me back after sending me sms "like missing u" and asking me "how are u", I thought 1 week of no contact worked, so I asked her if she wants to go back and work the relationship. She replied with a "I love you but I don't want to go back anymore"...I got sadder and sadder and angrier...is there end! You failed again! Just because she said she was missing you, you thought that there would be a chance for the two of you? Come on, dude! This woman loves you, but she is not in love with you! Accept it! I really wish I did not meet her! I don't believe that for one second! This woman has been going out on dates with other men, and you want her back? What's wrong with you? Where is your dignity? Where is your self-esteem? She lost it for you, man. It's happened to all of us. If you learn to accept it, you will be able to let all if this go! ~Vivid_29 Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Some of us are more sensitive & it hurts, others can just accept things & walk away. We take every little positive, no matter how insignificant & make it into something it isn't. It's so hard to stop falling into the trap, our heart over rules our mind, everytime! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuvSick Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 Originally posted by Vivid_29 You did fail and it's all your fault! You played right into her hand and she ate you up! Before I jump to conclusions, what kind of favors were these? Our work was related and I did her work for her...I really felt used but I really wanted to help her. I'm not an idiot and I'm not a fool, but when you feel you are losing someone you really change, I became pathetic. Ryt now lyf has no meaning for me, I'm angry at her for not giving back the Love i deserve, I deserve it because I gave her all of my love...I'd even die for her...she repaid my love by loving someone else, I'm angry at God for allowing this. Just because she said she was missing you, you thought that there would be a chance for the two of you? Come on, dude! This woman loves you, but she is not in love with you! Accept it! I really did thought we could have another chance Vivid, I thought she also felt what I was feeling...I'd do anything to have a second chance. I don't believe that for one second! I really did wish that I could erase my 5 years her, I really can't bear the pain anymore. I also wish that I have the guts to end this now...if not for my family I could have ended it last night, rather I spent hours at my room crying...until three were nor more tears coming out. This woman has been going out on dates with other men, and you want her back? What's wrong with you? Where is your dignity? Where is your self-esteem? She lost it for you, man. It's happened to all of us. If you learn to accept it, you will be able to let all if this go! I'd take her back in a heartbeat! I do have dignity and pride, I dont know..I threw them away..I just want the love of my life back! I know it happened to plenty of people...its just hard to accept it, I dont know if I could let her go..I'd rather wait for her, I dont care how it will be, I'm willing to wait for her...I just cant let go Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 I also wish that I have the guts to end this now That would be a real foolish thing to do. You feel rotten and think you will never feel better but that is not true. Think of ripping of a bandaid - at first it HURTS - but the hurt will fade. However, if you still feel this way, call 911 and get yourself to a hospital. Also you can try reading http://www.metanoia.org/suicide I just cant let go Oh, yes you can. We have all lived through this sort of pain and we've all been able to let go. It's worse at first, but it does get better. You spend your time thinking about her and dwelling on her and that's like rubbing salt into your own wound. You have to spend time with your friends and family. Tell them how bad you're feeling and ask them to help keep you distracted. Eventually, the pain will subside, really and truly it will. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Seconding Moi's post. By the way, if that's your picture in your avatar, you are certainly quite handsome. Once you are feeling better maybe you'll be able to see for yourself how many young ladies are (or should be!) falling all over themselves to get to know you! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 I could have ended it last night When what life throws at us outstrips our ability to cope with it the result is suicide or depression. The thing is, you can take practical steps RIGHT NOW to increase your ability to cope. Seek medical help. You can't see beyond the despair you are feeling now to the future where you will be happy again. You will feel better soon but you need help to get through the next few weeks and months. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get help now. Please do it. Let us know how you get on. Link to post Share on other sites
gowithflow Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 I started this post then lost it so I don't know if first few lines will show up??? I just wanted to let you know that I read somewhere that the more we try to fight our feelings the harder it is to let go. So keep loving her but tuck your feelings away in a safe place in your heart and move on. (I know, easier said than done) I don't think we can just stop loving someone because they choose to leave/or we choose to do it. It hurts either way. She has probably done that with her feelings for you and so she finds it easier to let go. Don't try to fight it. It will make you hold on tighter to something you can't have. Try to accept that she has moved on and that it is ok for you to still love her...just tuck it safely away and get on with your life. It has been 6 months for me and there are still days... I fully admit it still hurts...but not nearly as much. Your hurt may take a couple of years according to the formula But... every now and then I think of him... and just smile. Link to post Share on other sites
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