So I'm back to Day one NC

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Dang Guys...

 

So here's kind of a link to my story to all who have been following. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t237969/

Counselor told me to give a brief goodbye, which I did as follows. I ended up getting a pretty touching email response as follows

 

HPD,

 

You're absolutely not wrong. I still do have feelings for you. The feelings that I expressed to you in the past were true, they were real. Nothing was made up, nothing was a lie. I was reading some of the cards you sent me the other day and I just started to cry. I sat there wondering "What the hell did I do?" I'm not dealing with this very well. I guess I just freaked out and handled it poorly. I kind of feel like I've made a mess of my life and I need to figure it out.

 

You're right again when you say that what we had was special. Something about us did feel right from the very beginning. Maybe that's what scared me. I had these feelings for you that were so amazing...and...they almost seemed too good to be true.

 

When I think about the things we did, it makes me sad. I do miss you. I went to the Bistro for sushi last night with Sandi and we sat on the patio and listened to the music and it about tore my heart out. I drove around aimlessly after that, just crying. I wanted so badly to come and see you and that's probably not anything you want to hear, but I do miss you and I do still have feelings for you. I just don't know what to do with them.

 

I just want to apologize for everything I've put you through. I'm not a real big fan of myself at this point. :-(

 

So there is another guy in the picture, but I'm not sure to what extent. She's been staying over there every night this week, but I don't think there is anything physical going on. My buddy lives right by and watched them out side one night and said that they don't sit close to each other, don't hold hands, don't kiss or hug, don't kiss or hug goodbye. He said that if there is a physical relationship, it sure as heck doesn't seem like it from anything he's seen. He's recently been through a divorce, which my ex is going through too. He is NOT attractive and she could pretty much have any guy she wanted.

 

Anyway, after this email, we started talking again and were on our way to getting together for a brief period just to see how we felt and she got scared as is now avoiding me, telling me she's busy, and staying over at this guys place.

 

Last night was the final straw. We were supposed to get together and she said she had a terrible headache and was going home from work early and going to bed. She did leave work early. I said I hope it wasn't because of me and that I hope she gets better.

 

She emailed me back and around 8 and said she woke up from a nap and is going back to bed. My friend told me her car pulled up to this guys place around 10 and she stayed the night.

 

I emailed this last night:

 

I hope you'refeeling better today.

I get the feeling that you want me to back off, and I know why, so I'm going to leave you alone.

I guess we take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

Take care,

HPD

 

Haven't heard back from her today.

 

I feel like complete CR*P today and can't believe this.

 

Sorry it's so long. What a hor$e$hit story..

[jsa100100]

Sorry buddy. But you gotta stop stalking. I know its almost impossible to ask but you really have to just let go because you're powerless to do anything.

 

Remember you can't control what she does, so your only and best option is to just let go. Have strength in the fact that a lot of people in this forum are in the same situation as you, including myself. We just have to join together and stay strongly committed to NC.

 

And btw, doesn't it absolutely repulse and disgust you that she's relying on another man to get her through this? Staying over every night? Sounds like she's a pretty weak person and I've dated plenty of those. Stay strong, for yourself and yourself only.

[cookie2]

Man that sucks, sorry dude. You should not feel bad for what you said, I think you did completely the right thing, in fact I'd have done exactly the same. Seems she was trying to let you down gently, but it backfired completely, and she had to resort to deceit and lies. She has made her choice and unfortunately it wasn't you. WHEN she does reply (because she WILL), ignore it.

 

 

PS. I love your film

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Sorry buddy. But you gotta stop stalking. I know its almost impossible to ask but you really have to just let go because you're powerless to do anything.

 

Remember you can't control what she does, so your only and best option is to just let go. Have strength in the fact that a lot of people in this forum are in the same situation as you, including myself. We just have to join together and stay strongly committed to NC.

 

And btw, doesn't it absolutely repulse and disgust you that she's relying on another man to get her through this? Staying over every night? Sounds like she's a pretty weak person and I've dated plenty of those. Stay strong, for yourself and yourself only.

 

 

I know, and after I got that email from her she quit staying over there for about a week. She was making contact with me and things were progressing in tihe right direction. Then, I brought up getting together, just for like a half hour, and that's when she freaked out and started staying back there. Yes, she's definitely afraid to be alone, that's for sure.

 

I know what you mean about the stalking. It's hard not too, especially when my buddy is just right across the street. I guess I kind of felt I needed to do that to see if her actions jived with her words.

 

I don't believe that there is a physical relationship with this guy, but there is definitely some sort of "comfort" there. When we were together, it was constant touching, hugging, kissing, yada yada... With him, none of that. Not even a hug or kiss goodbye.

 

Does it matter? Guess not. I just feel like if I could get her to see me that she would wake up. Dang this stinks!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Man that sucks, sorry dude. You should not feel bad for what you said, I think you did completely the right thing, in fact I'd have done exactly the same. Seems she was trying to let you down gently, but it backfired completely, and she had to resort to deceit and lies. She has made her choice and unfortunately it wasn't you. WHEN she does reply (because she WILL), ignore it.

 

 

PS. I love your film

 

You see, the thing is that I dont' think she HAS made a choice, and that's why she won't see me, because she knows that I'll make her make a choice one way or the other. She has told me on the phone that she doesn't know what she wants. I really don't think this guy is anything but a comfort person. Like I said, zero physical contact, and she's pretty touchy feely.

 

Mental contact though makes me just as jealous though. I just don't freakin get it. She's got me all over the place, especially when she quit staying there. I thought she was coming around. And in her email above, I really think that she does still have strong feelings for me, but won't let them out. I'm STUCK!

 

Sorry though... Wish it WAS my film...

[bonpaw2008]

I know, and after I got that email from her she quit staying over there for about a week. She was making contact with me and things were progressing in tihe right direction. Then, I brought up getting together, just for like a half hour, and that's when she freaked out and started staying back there. Yes, she's definitely afraid to be alone, that's for sure.

 

I know what you mean about the stalking. It's hard not too, especially when my buddy is just right across the street. I guess I kind of felt I needed to do that to see if her actions jived with her words.

 

I don't believe that there is a physical relationship with this guy, but there is definitely some sort of "comfort" there. When we were together, it was constant touching, hugging, kissing, yada yada... With him, none of that. Not even a hug or kiss goodbye.

 

Does it matter? Guess not. I just feel like if I could get her to see me that she would wake up. Dang this stinks!

 

UGH I don't know why I am so harsh today, so sorry in advance, must be the wake up call I need to keep doing to myself....

 

Read this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239600/

 

Tell your buddy to stop helping you because all it is doing is ****ing with your mind.

 

Honey, if she is sleeping over at the guy's house you know what is going on. And you know what, it doesn't matter if they are doing that or petting little baby rabbits together, she choose him over you. If she wanted to get back with you she would not have written some sad letter to you explaining how rough it was going for her, she would have asked you to come back.

 

She doesn't want to see you. Back off, NC, for you. Not for her. If she is suffering she deserves it and she doesn't need you to make her feel better. Time to make yourself feel better. NC NC NC

[cookie2]

But she has chosen. I don't mean chosen "you or him"... I mean chosen "you or not you". Every day she chooses not to come back to you, every time she breaks an appointment, every time she lies about her whereabouts, every time she goes round that guy's house when she said she was going to bed... every time she does anything, she makes a choice. And it is not you.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

But she has chosen. I don't mean chosen "you or him"... I mean chosen "you or not you". Every day she chooses not to come back to you, every time she breaks an appointment, every time she lies about her whereabouts, every time she goes round that guy's house when she said she was going to bed... every time she does anything, she makes a choice. And it is not you.

 

I know you are right Cookie.

And that's what hurts. She's afraid to face me.

She's still married and is afraid of being in another relationship. With me, she has that, with this guy, she won't get attached. Or so I think...

Gawd though... I really thought we were in love...

[bonpaw2008]

And in her email above, I really think that she does still have strong feelings for me, but won't let them out. I'm STUCK!

 

UGH one more harsh one....she doesn't have strong feelings for you as a love....she either has strong feelings about not wanting to hurt you, or she is stringing you along so you are there if her other thing doesn't work out. Either way she is not conflicted, she broke up with you, and that is reality. What you are reading into her words are not reality they are what you want to believe.

 

I felt that way about mine....how can he NOT feel the same thing about me that I feel for him?? Of course he has strong feelings for me, because he said so (lies) and because I felt it (my misperception).

 

NC dude, you have to heal. Even if she asked you back right now what has changed? You need to get yourself together first before you can go back to her anyway or you will be right back here.

[bonpaw2008]

I know you are right Cookie.

And that's what hurts. She's afraid to face me.

She's still married and is afraid of being in another relationship. With me, she has that, with this guy, she won't get attached. Or so I think...

Gawd though... I really thought we were in love...

 

 

I didn't realize she was still married to yet another guy. Actually it looks like she needs your help. Send her to LS Seriously though, I know that it feels like love to you but was probably rebound or escape of a bad marriage to her. Let her be. She needs to figure herself out, get divorced, be single, get her **** straight. You need to get as far away from that as possible.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

UGH I don't know why I am so harsh today, so sorry in advance, must be the wake up call I need to keep doing to myself....

 

Read this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239600/

 

Tell your buddy to stop helping you because all it is doing is ****ing with your mind.

 

Honey, if she is sleeping over at the guy's house you know what is going on. And you know what, it doesn't matter if they are doing that or petting little baby rabbits together, she choose him over you. If she wanted to get back with you she would not have written some sad letter to you explaining how rough it was going for her, she would have asked you to come back.

 

She doesn't want to see you. Back off, NC, for you. Not for her. If she is suffering she deserves it and she doesn't need you to make her feel better. Time to make yourself feel better. NC NC NC

 

 

I hear you bonepaw. Really though, I doubt there is any physicallity. The guy is fat, and not good looking. Not to sound conceited, but I am much better looking and in much better shape. She could have guys way better looking than me if she wanted. He is totally non-threatening and I think that's what the attraction is. He also just recently went through a divorce, which she is going through.

 

If you would have saw them interact, there was absolutely nothing that anyone who was intimate with each other would do. When they sat in lawn chairs, their chairs were spaced way away. She would have sat in my lap. They didn't hold hands. She always held mine. When they were both standing togther, no hugs, no arm around each other, no kiss, no nothing. All these are her traits. It seemed totally plutonic.

 

I know what your saying though. Everything you say is true and enough is enough. I gotta stop this. I'm driving myself crazy. It's time for NC. SHE'S STILL MARRIED FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

UGH one more harsh one....she doesn't have strong feelings for you as a love....she either has strong feelings about not wanting to hurt you, or she is stringing you along so you are there if her other thing doesn't work out. Either way she is not conflicted, she broke up with you, and that is reality. What you are reading into her words are not reality they are what you want to believe.

 

I felt that way about mine....how can he NOT feel the same thing about me that I feel for him?? Of course he has strong feelings for me, because he said so (lies) and because I felt it (my misperception).

 

NC dude, you have to heal. Even if she asked you back right now what has changed? You need to get yourself together first before you can go back to her anyway or you will be right back here.

 

I know what you mean bonpaw. Again though, I think she really did love me, and we actually never did break up. She just basically dissapeared. That's even WORSE! You might be right though.

 

I sent her a response after that email above and told her to tell me she is done and I'll leave her alone. She won't do that. I suppose you can look at that as a safety net thing. I don't know.

 

I feel crappy about my self esteem and feel like I'm totally co-dependent on this woman. I'm embarrassed about my actions and feel like a loser because I let myself fall in love.

[bonpaw2008]

I feel crappy about my self esteem and feel like I'm totally co-dependent on this woman. I'm embarrassed about my actions and feel like a loser because I let myself fall in love.

 

I feel exactly the same way. The faster he pulled away the worse I chased him. He never broke up with me either, because he was too much of a coward and never wanted to be the "bad guy" except he was all the time. "I don't want you to hate me" "I don't know what I want" I got all of that. Those translate into - "let me off the hook so I don't have to feel guilty about hurting you" and "I don't want you, but I don't want you to stop wanting me"

 

Don't be embarrassed, you found us, we are all here for you and in the exact same boat. You are soooo not the loser in this, take a step back and a good look at her and what she is.

[cookie2]

You're totally not a loser for falling in love! Hey I did it too and I'm certainly not a loser We all did it, that's why we're here...

[HighPlainsDrifter]

But she has chosen. I don't mean chosen "you or him"... I mean chosen "you or not you". Every day she chooses not to come back to you, every time she breaks an appointment, every time she lies about her whereabouts, every time she goes round that guy's house when she said she was going to bed... every time she does anything, she makes a choice. And it is not you.

 

And Cookie, I think the choice is not "me or not me", I think in her mind it's "committed relationship or get my divorce done before I even can consider this".

 

Everything you say though is true. Jeeze, maybe I'm in complete denial. Just the things she used to send me proclaiming her constant love, several times a day, convinced me. We were also together for 9 months.

 

Doesn't me $hit now though I guess. I gotta try to accept that. Thanks for all the responses. I'm totally struggling with this today and I can't see my counselor. GREAT!!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I feel exactly the same way. The faster he pulled away the worse I chased him. He never broke up with me either, because he was too much of a coward and never wanted to be the "bad guy" except he was all the time. "I don't want you to hate me" "I don't know what I want" I got all of that. Those translate into - "let me off the hook so I don't have to feel guilty about hurting you" and "I don't want you, but I don't want you to stop wanting me"

 

Don't be embarrassed, you found us, we are all here for you and in the exact same boat. You are soooo not the loser in this, take a step back and a good look at her and what she is.

 

And that's another thing bonpaw. As soon as she started to withdraw, I did not chase. I completely let her have her space and only contacted her after she contacted me, so dispite me looking like a weakling here, I don't appear that way to her, which is good. She doesn't know any of the stalking crap. I have appeared to be very non-needy and independent, up until maybe last week when I wanted to briefly get together.

 

I am embarrassed that I let someone have this much power over me. I haven't let anyone in for a long time, and when I finally do, pow... Mindf*ck...

 

When I step back and look at what she is, I actually see a wonderful woman, a wonderful woman who is a complete mess in the head emotionally. By her own self admission. And I get to reap the benefits...

Good times. Thanks again so much for being my therapists today. I really need it. I'm panic strickin and want to send another email asking her why she told me all that stuff above and why she won't just tell me to get lost.

 

Actions though... not words... Repeat...

[cookie2]

I think a lot of us are in the same boat. 6 months ago I would say my wife would NEVER cheat on me. And she would say the same thing too, 6 months ago everything was perfect. When I saw the red flags I was in denial. But here I am, 7 days after D-day...

[silic0ntoad]

So let me get this straight. The girl is married to some guy, dating you, dumps you, sleeps with another guy....

 

Is my picture right? If this is the case, she's a total wreck and deserves everything she's got coming.

 

Look man, it sucks to be in love. It really does. Kinda like opening that bottle of jack and feeling the strong bite, smooth aftertaste, and when the rides over, the hang over kicks in.

 

You need to stop contacting her period. Be the strong one and shut her ass out.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I think a lot of us are in the same boat. 6 months ago I would say my wife would NEVER cheat on me. And she would say the same thing too, 6 months ago everything was perfect. When I saw the red flags I was in denial. But here I am, 7 days after D-day...

 

I'm sorry about your situation cookie. I've had a similar situation to that too several years ago. I was in total denial over that one. I have been in several relationships since, but never really let myself fall in love.... till now... GREAT CHOICE!

 

I do find some solace in knowing I'm not going through this alone. Thanks cookie

[whatadeer26]

You're not a loser. I got dumped and my self-worth dropped to zero. I made a list of all my good aspects and my bad aspects and decided to strive to make them all better. I am very successful for my age and she made me feel like sh*t. Like I was nothing. Keep yourself in a positive mood and she will be long gone.

 

Funny side story- A few days after my ex broke up with me I went to a chinese restaurant. My fortune cookie was this saying verbatim. "The best thing in life is to be in love, the second best is to have lost love." WTF does that even mean. Keep your head up and keep trucking.

[Binster]

Hey mate I know things are bad but stay N/C it really helps, just hurts a lot first.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

So let me get this straight. The girl is married to some guy, dating you, dumps you, sleeps with another guy....

 

Is my picture right? If this is the case, she's a total wreck and deserves everything she's got coming.

 

Look man, it sucks to be in love. It really does. Kinda like opening that bottle of jack and feeling the strong bite, smooth aftertaste, and when the rides over, the hang over kicks in.

 

You need to stop contacting her period. Be the strong one and shut her ass out.

 

Silicontoad. Thanks for replying.

 

This girl was separated and living separately when I met her. We started dating and dated for nine months while her divorce was going through. Then, I push for the divorce and she pushes her husband. Her husband asks her where she's been staying the last 9 months and accuses our relationship as the reason for the divorce, which wasn't the case. I met her after they were separated.

 

So that's when she freaks. I think she met this guy who just went through a divorce and found a safe zone. I really doubt that they are doing anything intimate just because of what's been witnessed and he's totally not her type, but there's definitely a strong friendship going at the very least. Doesn't matter.. It's not me.

 

You're right though. She's a total wreck. Self admitted. I just get wrapped into this horrible mess.

 

I do need to shut her ass out, but I can't believe I'm struggling with it so!! ARGGGGHHH!!! Somebody freaking slap me!

[cookie2]

Seems to me she's not all that bothered about getting the divorce. You don't negotiate on a reason. If one person has grounds then they file it against the other. If her husband wants to file it against her due to adultery then let him, who cares as long as it gets done. 9 months is an exceptionally long time for a divorce. She must be stalling for some reason. But hey -- not your problem any more bro!

[HighPlainsDrifter]

You're not a loser. I got dumped and my self-worth dropped to zero. I made a list of all my good aspects and my bad aspects and decided to strive to make them all better. I am very successful for my age and she made me feel like sh*t. Like I was nothing. Keep yourself in a positive mood and she will be long gone.

 

Funny side story- A few days after my ex broke up with me I went to a chinese restaurant. My fortune cookie was this saying verbatim. "The best thing in life is to be in love, the second best is to have lost love." WTF does that even mean. Keep your head up and keep trucking.

 

Sorry to hear your story whatadeer. This has just totally hit me hard. I know I'm a good person and a heck of a catch. I already have been casually dating an attractive much younger woman who approached me, so it's not like I can't get another woman. I just loved this one and don't let myself do that. I also don't want to use this gal and have been upfront about getting into anything serious because I'm messed up.

 

Thanks for the support though man. That fortune is ironic. I don't know if that would have helped me much. Thank you again for your support.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Seems to me she's not all that bothered about getting the divorce. You don't negotiate on a reason. If one person has grounds then they file it against the other. If her husband wants to file it against her due to adultery then let him, who cares as long as it gets done. 9 months is an exceptionally long time for a divorce. She must be stalling for some reason. But hey -- not your problem any more bro!

 

I know cookie. This whole divorce thing has taken way to long. I think it's her way of always having a cushion and then won't have to commit to anything else. Her husband of course wants her to stay. I know what you mean about the stalling. I sometimes wonder if she'll go full circle, but like you said, not my problem anymore.

 

Sure as hell feels like it. What the hell is wrong with me!! Why did I fall for this person when I new she wasn't finished with her divorce!!