So I'm back to Day one NC

[GrayClouds]

My gut tells me she's running from what she knows is something really wonderful because maybe she feels guilty because she's still married and doesn't deserve it, if that makes any sense.

 

I know I need to let go of her. It's just that I still love her so much.

 

Thank you clouds. I know you speak the truth.

 

Thats not your gut, it is your ego. An ego that was stroked by having a pretty women next to him, an that ego that did not respect her being married but rationalized it deserved what it wanted, your ego saying that it did not matter if she took time to heal from her last relationship, your ego who can not believe she does not want to be with you anymore.

 

I suspect that ego has been given you a great deal, much of your successes comes from that ego, and you point to those successes to prove your worth. But did down inside there is doubt. So you look for someone like your ex to release that doubt, to validate that worth but what you are learning the validating is illusion for Ego does not give it only needs only self esteem can really give you validation. And that is where your healing starts.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Thats not your gut, it is your ego. An ego that was stroked by having a pretty women next to him, an that ego that did not respect her being married but rationalized it deserved what it wanted, your ego saying that it did not matter if she took time to heal from her last relationship, your ego who can not believe she does not want to be with you anymore.

 

I suspect that ego has been given you a great deal, much of your successes comes from that ego, and you point to those successes to prove your worth. But did down inside there is doubt. So you look for someone like your ex to release that doubt, to validate that worth but what you are learning the validating is illusion for Ego does not give it only needs only self esteem can really give you validation. And that is where your healing starts.

 

Again, very profound words sir... I think it was somewhat ego, but I still know, or at least I think I know, what my gut is telling me. Maybe it's just messed up though like you say. It doesn't help though when she writes me stuff like that either. You make some wonderful in depth observations and I respect you for that.

 

I wanted her to take time to heal from her marriage and initially I said I wouldn't sleep with her until her divorce was over. Yeaahhhhh that lasted about a week. What can I say? The flesh is weak. I started strong but she convinced me otherwise. I really started with pure intentions.

 

Good stuff about the ego needing, and that self esteem only gives. I've never thought of it that way. Very deep thoughts... Wow man.. Blows me away kinda...

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Jeeze, I just have this uncontrollable urge to send the ex a card or something.

Wow... I'm fading fast guys... Hard staying NC...

[HopeLove]

It's very hard, we all know, I reckon this is why we try to vent here. I was trying to have an idea of your story but there so much I coudn't follow.

Who was the one breaking up? If it was her decision then I'll suggest you stay with NC, but if it was yours...

[HighPlainsDrifter]

It's very hard, we all know, I reckon this is why we try to vent here. I was trying to have an idea of your story but there so much I coudn't follow.

Who was the one breaking up? If it was her decision then I'll suggest you stay with NC, but if it was yours...

 

Sorry HopeLove,

It's been kind of a long story.

Well, it turns out she was the one breaking up with me, but she never told me that fact, or any of her friends, or anyone like that. The most I've gotten out of her is "I don't know what I want" or, "I know I have to figure this out", but then she sends me heartwrenching emails about how she misses me and still has deep feelings for me and just doesn't know what to do with those feelings right now, because her divorce isn't finalized... We dated for 9 months, while she was separated.

 

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Mindf*ck central maam.

 

I know I need to stay NC. I'm just a weak bastard...

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited August 3, 2010 by HighPlainsDrifter

[HopeLove]

Well I'm tempted to say all men are bastards, but I won't. I'm just kidding.

It sounds like you never had a proper chat about your breakup. I think it's necessary to have one although at the end will not help you much since that fact you are not together remains.

If you really think you should know the reason for the breakup, txt or email her (don't call her) and say to her you want to talk to her about what happend between you both. If she agrees then you can have this final discussion and if she doesn't than go again to NC.

If you want to contact her in the hope you'll get back together then I'm afraid I would also advice you to stay with NC. I know is bloody hard and you look up there for some hope. I know what you are feeling, I'm in the same boat.

[smk]

HPD - I have been here with you for the last couple of weeks and we have posted on each others threads - if I could get through today you can maintain NC - you need to cut her out completely if it means taking a break and going away somewhere for a couple of weeks do it - go visit family or old friends and see a new city...

 

I know what you mean about being successful and having a pretty girl on your arms - when I got with my ex in Dec I was 5'6" and approx 210 lbs (not muscle) she was a small petite girl who looked stunning without make up and could make heads turn dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, she could have any man yet she got with me, huge ego booster walking down the street with her on my arms, today I weigh 145 lbs and don't have her in my arms kinda messed up isn't it .. Lol.... But it's a great ego booster and you know what, like you say you are young and successful and you will have another girl who will be better and prettier than te last one...

 

I know its hard to believe but it will happen you just need to allow it to happen...

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Well I'm tempted to say all men are bastards, but I won't. I'm just kidding.

It sounds like you never had a proper chat about your breakup. I think it's necessary to have one although at the end will not help you much since that fact you are not together remains.

If you really think you should know the reason for the breakup, txt or email her (don't call her) and say to her you want to talk to her about what happend between you both. If she agrees then you can have this final discussion and if she doesn't than go again to NC.

If you want to contact her in the hope you'll get back together then I'm afraid I would also advice you to stay with NC. I know is bloody hard and you look up there for some hope. I know what you are feeling, I'm in the same boat.

 

No HopeLove, all men aren't bastards. It goes both ways dear.

About the never had a proper chat about the breakup... Thats EXACTLY what the problem is. We never ever had a chat about anything regarding a breakup. She wouldn't even tell her friend that.

 

And when I've tried to tell her goodbye a couple weeks ago, she sent me the emotional email at the beginning of this thread about how she has made a mess of her life and needs to figure this out, and that she has strong feelings for me and is all mixed up because her divorce isn't done yet.

 

I sent her a reply telling her to tell me to let me go and I'll leave her be and wish her well, and she can't do that. She says she still has deep feelings for me and that she needs to figure it out.

 

We were supposed to meet last week to talk a bit and she freaked out and avoided me. That's when I told her that I'm going to back off and told her to take care. I haven't heard from her since 6 days ago and it's a mess because it's still such a mixed bag, or at least in my rose colored glasses.

 

Of course I want to reconcile, and I think a part of her does too, but she has the mentality of a 15 yr old at this point. It's been an incredibly rocky road for me and I'm totally torn because I need to leave this alone and let her figure it out on her own, but I feel like I can't give up either. Hence my stupid problem.

 

Thanks hopelove. Hope your situation is less complicated than mine. Mines a complete full blown mess.

[bonpaw2008]

Again, very profound words sir... I think it was somewhat ego, but I still know, or at least I think I know, what my gut is telling me. Maybe it's just messed up though like you say. It doesn't help though when she writes me stuff like that either. You make some wonderful in depth observations and I respect you for that.

 

I wanted her to take time to heal from her marriage and initially I said I wouldn't sleep with her until her divorce was over. Yeaahhhhh that lasted about a week. What can I say? The flesh is weak. I started strong but she convinced me otherwise. I really started with pure intentions.

 

Good stuff about the ego needing, and that self esteem only gives. I've never thought of it that way. Very deep thoughts... Wow man.. Blows me away kinda...

 

High - you have to change your thinking. Your gut can't tell you how SHE feels, why she is doing what she is doing, etc. You need to get a hold of yourself, get back that self-worth that was generated by having her on your arm, and move forward without her. If she catches up and proves she is worthy of being in that spot then accept her back. You can't make her do it, nothing you can say to her, cards you send are going to bring her back....

[HighPlainsDrifter]

HPD - I have been here with you for the last couple of weeks and we have posted on each others threads - if I could get through today you can maintain NC - you need to cut her out completely if it means taking a break and going away somewhere for a couple of weeks do it - go visit family or old friends and see a new city...

 

I know what you mean about being successful and having a pretty girl on your arms - when I got with my ex in Dec I was 5'6" and approx 210 lbs (not muscle) she was a small petite girl who looked stunning without make up and could make heads turn dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, she could have any man yet she got with me, huge ego booster walking down the street with her on my arms, today I weigh 145 lbs and don't have her in my arms kinda messed up isn't it .. Lol.... But it's a great ego booster and you know what, like you say you are young and successful and you will have another girl who will be better and prettier than te last one...

 

I know its hard to believe but it will happen you just need to allow it to happen...

 

I know SMK.. We have been going through some of the same $hit and are post brothers for sure. We both are riding a crappy roller coaster. I appreciate you posting in my threads as it lets me know that I'm not completely isolated here. I appreciate everyone posting in my threads. I just try to talk through this without talking to her anymore. I've laid it all out there and she needs to come to me now. I just feel like I'm going to constantly cave lately!!

 

I hear you on having the woman on your arm making you feel good. I felt good even if it was just her and I alone looking into each others eyes. I didn't need to impress anyone else. I just loved her and loved being with her.

 

I guess I already have another girl I'm seeing who is younger than this one, and is also pretty, but not as pretty, but that's relative, but the "connection" isn't there like my ex. Not even close! That just makes me depressed!

 

I've also gone on the "Breakup Diet". I'm 6'2" and was about 210, mostly muscle but a little beer gut maybe. Well hell, that's all gone now and I've been biking like a mother and eating super healthy. Last time I weighed myself I was at 175. I bet I've lost another 5 this last week though. I've been forcing myself to eat.

 

It sounds like my job is going to take me out of town to a remote location of my state for about a month starting in Sept. This is the same town I went to last year, about 4 hrs away, and my ex drove all the way there to see me for one night. That's how frickin awesome it was!!

 

I guess it will be good to get away, but there are going to be severe memories there too, and that visit is going to be on my mind the whole dam time.

 

Holy cow I can just type and type...

 

Thanks for your continued support SMK. I'm here for you too. Proud of your reaction to seeing you ex today. Hope a little of that rubs off on me bro...

[HopeLove]

Well my situation seems hopeless. The last time we had contact (over email) was over a 1 month ago. It's gets better sometimes and yet I think of him every single day while he is moving on with his life.

6 days with NC is not that much so if you break it you haven't lost that much time. Is different for me. Over 1 month is quite an achievement for me.

I would email her saying you want to meet and tell her the reason of the meeting (you deserve to know why you both split). Let her decide when she feels strong enough to meet you and talk.

Some people here will tell you to stay with NC, some not but you know that at the end of the day you should do what you think is the better for you and if you make yet another mistake, so what? Is not going to be the first nor the last one.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

High - you have to change your thinking. Your gut can't tell you how SHE feels, why she is doing what she is doing, etc. You need to get a hold of yourself, get back that self-worth that was generated by having her on your arm, and move forward without her. If she catches up and proves she is worthy of being in that spot then accept her back. You can't make her do it, nothing you can say to her, cards you send are going to bring her back....

 

You're probably right Paw, as usual. I know I need to move forward, I'd just like to take her with me. Guess that's a contradiction. I know she's a raging mess right now and I should give her time to sort that out.

 

I hear you about the cards. It's just the last time I sent her a card was about a month ago, nothing like "I want you back" or anything like that, just how I understand how hard everything must be for her and I wish her happiness. She called me up shortly after that thanking me and crying and telling me how thoughtful I am. I miss that.

 

A desperate man on this board, but I still appear strong to her. Unfreakinbelievable. Thank you all for listening to my continuous rants. I need to get it out.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Well my situation seems hopeless. The last time we had contact (over email) was over a 1 month ago. It's gets better sometimes and yet I think of him every single day while he is moving on with his life.

6 days with NC is not that much so if you break it you haven't lost that much time. Is different for me. Over 1 month is quite an achievement for me.

I would email her saying you want to meet and tell her the reason of the meeting (you deserve to know why you both split). Let her decide when she feels strong enough to meet you and talk.

Some people here will tell you to stay with NC, some not but you know that at the end of the day you should do what you think is the better for you and if you make yet another mistake, so what? Is not going to be the first nor the last one.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation hope. 1 month is a long time and that takes great strength, so I admire you for that.

 

As far as my situation goes, she knows where I stand. I fully believe the ball is in her court. I don't think it pays to say anything else without appearing needy or weak, and like I've said, I've kept from appearing that way to her.

 

She needs to come to me. I don't know if that'll happen. At least not for a long while. She needs to get her freakin divorce done...

 

What a stupid mess. Thanks for your post hope.

[smk]

I was on the "in love" diet I just wanted to look good for her even though she would tell me thought I looked better when I was heavier... I did lose about 15lbs after the break... Keep up the biking the endorphins are good for us - a natural high and happy feeling...

 

Don't look for the connection, let it happen and if not with this girl then try the next and the next and the next... Heck for a while be single and enjoy the freedom, I have never been a relationship/dating kinda guy myself so being single at the moment suits me...

 

Yeah sure I miss the intimacy, and the companionship, but for the moment I think I need to find myself... As I said in my other thread this break up has shown me a lot about the myself, about all the emotions I had been hiding, and Tbh I want to take this time to discover the real me...

 

I think I had been afraid of feeling things for so long that I am now rediscovering these things and this gives ms the perfect chance to truly discover who the real SMK is??? I have decided to take this break up not as a bad thing bit as a good lesson in life, and I only have K to thank for this, she taught ms this...

 

I am sure with time you will find someone who will give you the butterflies in your stomach...

 

Don't try and think of her when you go on your trip, use that as an excuse to enforce you NC and focus on you... Get some fresh air while you are there , meet some local girls, push harder at work, whatever keeps our mind away, heck even watch some porn if that helps... Lol...

 

Remember - chubby ninja... Lol

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I was on the "in love" diet I just wanted to look good for her even though she would tell me thought I looked better when I was heavier... I did lose about 15lbs after the break... Keep up the biking the endorphins are good for us - a natural high and happy feeling...

 

Don't look for the connection, let it happen and if not with this girl then try the next and the next and the next... Heck for a while be single and enjoy the freedom, I have never been a relationship/dating kinda guy myself so being single at the moment suits me...

 

Yeah sure I miss the intimacy, and the companionship, but for the moment I think I need to find myself... As I said in my other thread this break up has shown me a lot about the myself, about all the emotions I had been hiding, and Tbh I want to take this time to discover the real me...

 

I think I had been afraid of feeling things for so long that I am now rediscovering these things and this gives ms the perfect chance to truly discover who the real SMK is??? I have decided to take this break up not as a bad thing bit as a good lesson in life, and I only have K to thank for this, she taught ms this...

 

I am sure with time you will find someone who will give you the butterflies in your stomach...

 

Don't try and think of her when you go on your trip, use that as an excuse to enforce you NC and focus on you... Get some fresh air while you are there , meet some local girls, push harder at work, whatever keeps our mind away, heck even watch some porn if that helps... Lol...

 

Remember - chubby ninja... Lol

 

Jeeze, man.. Funny you mentioned the butterfies thing. That's what she always told me I gave her. How freakin ironic..

 

Where I'm going, there will be no women. It's oil country and I'll be supervising a highway project in the middle of nowhere. I'll get lots of fresh air, but my only interaction will be with crusty contractors. I'm sure being gone for month will also take care of my problem with my new young admirer girlfriend. She won't wait for me for that long. That's probably for the better though.

 

I guess the only good thing though is that maybe being away for this time at work might give her a chance to finish up her divorce and get her head somewhat straight. I will probably be a dumba$$ and send her a postcard from the motel she came to visit me at while I'm up there. I can see me doing something sentimental and stupid like that.

 

$hit, Porn... I have absolutely ZERO desire for sex right now man. I have a couple girls just THROWING it at me and they are starting to think I'm gay because I have absolutely zero interest in it right now. I have damn tunnell vision. I don't cheat when I'm in love. Isn't that a rare trait now days? Doesn't do $hit for me now though! So much of sex for me is mental and I'm just not feeling it at all with anyone but her.

 

 

 

Your attitude is really turning great though SMK. I'm proud of you and I hope to make it there myself hopefully sooner than later.

 

Oh and I so don't know about the chubby ninja thing. Sorry bro..

[smk]

Being in the middle of Nowhere surrounded by crusty contractors with no women is exactly what you need HPD... Lol... Get your mind of everything and clear your head and fresh air is always good...

 

Yeah I what you mean about the sex, i have lost my mojo completely since the break... I tried watchin porn the thee day and it just put me off, the weird thing is though, anything sexual and I think of the ex which in turn puts me on a sad mood hence it pretty much sucks... I chatted up a couple of girls a couple of weekends ago and could have easily gotten some but I just want interested in it... Like you I don't and wouldn't cheat In love...

 

Dude you have it within you, we can see that you want to get out of this rut, and you just need to find the strength to pull yourself up... Less than a week ago I was looking at writing a will today look at me..: you will soon enough find that inner strength...

 

"I am a chubby ninja, tiptoeing elephant, able to move between skinny people. And then I attack with ice cream and jelly and chocolate sprinkles". Google sleeptalkinman guaranteed to make you laugh

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Being in the middle of Nowhere surrounded by crusty contractors with no women is exactly what you need HPD... Lol... Get your mind of everything and clear your head and fresh air is always good...

 

Yeah I what you mean about the sex, i have lost my mojo completely since the break... I tried watchin porn the thee day and it just put me off, the weird thing is though, anything sexual and I think of the ex which in turn puts me on a sad mood hence it pretty much sucks... I chatted up a couple of girls a couple of weekends ago and could have easily gotten some but I just want interested in it... Like you I don't and wouldn't cheat In love...

 

Dude you have it within you, we can see that you want to get out of this rut, and you just need to find the strength to pull yourself up... Less than a week ago I was looking at writing a will today look at me..: you will soon enough find that inner strength...

 

"I am a chubby ninja, tiptoeing elephant, able to move between skinny people. And then I attack with ice cream and jelly and chocolate sprinkles". Google sleeptalkinman guaranteed to make you laugh

 

Well, the only good thing about being around the crusty contractors is that most of them are either divorced or soon to be divorced and b!tching about their miserable wives or failed relationships. I don't know. I guess it will be a change of scene at least.

 

Sigh... SMK... I'm an engineer by trade and it's my nature to want to fix things. I know that's most guys problems in relationships, but I rarely enounter a problem that I can't find a solution for. So that's why its so dang hard for me to give up on something that actually means something to me.

 

I have had sex a few times since the ex disappeared and I started seeing this new gal, but then when everything came to a head and my ex and I started sharing emotional emails a couple weeks ago, my mojo totally shut down for this other woman. I'm just not feelin it now and know what I want.

 

I guess I'm still at the writing of the will stage. I'm miserable. Tomorrow will be one week since we were supposed to get together and just see what was there. She's obviously not ready for that yet. She still hasn't replied to my email from last wednesday night at 11:15 PM.

 

A part of me thinks she's relieved that I haven't tried to contact her again. Another part thinks she's wondering why?

 

The ninja thing did make me smile at least. Laughing is still a ways away. Thanks though SMK for your help. I just want to work this stupid thing out.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

So I guess today will be day 7 if I make it through.

 

I did have some things occur last night. I went biking with this girl I used to date. Not the young one who has been staying with me. While we were biking, we drove by this "guys" place about 9:30, and of course who's car is there after not being there last night, my ex's. So yup, my heart sunk and I was kicking myself again.

 

Me and this girl went back to her place and finished our ride and I ended up going home. She could tell I was disturbed about something. I didn't say anything, but did give her a hug and thanked her for her concern.

 

So I get home about 10 and the young one is at the bar (of course) and wants me to meet her out for a drink, which I said ok. Of course, this bar she is at is right by this "guys" house. So, looking to kick myself in the nuts again, I drive by about 10:30. Low and behold my ex's car is gone. It appears she is not staying there again, and must have only been over there for about an hour. I know the stalking $hit is ridiculous, but this town is so small and I can't help it, I guess I'm addicted and want to know what the real nature of this so called relationship is, because I know I will hear from her again.

 

Again, I can't help but feel good seeing that her car was gone. It makes me think that she is being by herself and actually thinking about what I told her. I still haven't contacted her, but I'm tempted of course. This continues to reinforce my opinion that this guy is just a friend and it's a plutonic type relationship. I'm dying to say something and break Day 7 of NC, but I won't. I hope.

 

So I go home with this young girl and we sleep together. She wants sex, but I'm not in the mood. She of course is upset, but I try to explain that I'm still trying to work through a bunch of issues and it has nothing to do with her and that I'm sorry and understand if she doesn't want me there. She does want me there and we sleep through the night. I know I'm frustrating the hell out of her.

 

This morning, the girl that I biked with sends me an email basically opening the door to being with her again. Saying how much fun she has spending time with me and how great we were together. She basically wants to get together with me. I, of course, can not do that, at least not at this time. She is a good woman though, and I guess I see more possibilities with this one than the young one.

 

So there's another day in the life of HPD. I continue to blow up everything in my path. I have 2 women that want me at the current moment, but the one I really want writes to me that she loves me, but won't see me right now. She is a mess in the head. I guess I need to continue to let her figure herself out, but I'm trying not to take everyone down with me.

 

Sigh.... Day 7 NC...

[smk]

Bro - you gotta stop torturing yourself by driving by this guys place you're only torturing yourself...

 

Hang in there...

Edited August 4, 2010 by smk

[HighPlainsDrifter]

HPD - let ms get this straight you have a pretty young girl staying at your house who wants to basically screw your brains out, then you have another girl who want to be with you, and you have an ex who wants to be with some loser of a guy... I can't even look at another without feeling guilty ATM let alone get it up and you can't stop thinking about...

 

Bro get laid, have some wild crazy sex with both girls, heck you may even convince them for a little bit of a ménage a trois... Bro seriously do it get your mind of the ex...

 

Yup SMK. That is the straight facts.

Many guys would run right over me to have that. I have had sex with the young one a couple times early on, but after the sappy emails from myh ex, I totally have zero sex drive right now. Nada... I only can imagine it with one woman. Just like yourself.

 

I seriously doubt my ex is doing anything either. Of course I don't know for sure, but if you saw the scenario, you would see my point and there would be little doubt. Her good friend doesn't believe for a minute it's anything sexual either, and she would likely know. And she's stopped staying over there. At least for now. Whatever though. I gotta quit my obsession with that.

 

You know, I can't just have sex for sport anymore. I'm past that phase in my life. It actually has to mean something. Wow is that lame... Sometimes I just wish I could.

[smk]

Actually I don't think it's lame - I am at that same point in my life where I can't just sleep with someone, it has to mean something to me, I have to care about them and feel something or I just can't do it...

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Actually I don't think it's lame - I am at that same point in my life where I can't just sleep with someone, it has to mean something to me, I have to care about them and feel something or I just can't do it...

 

I know SMK. It sucks having morals lately...

I got drunk and put it out of my mind a couple times.

But since I quit drinkin and started getting the sappy emails, I can't do it anymore.

[GrayClouds]

I know SMK. It sucks having morals lately...

I got drunk and put it out of my mind a couple times.

But since I quit drinkin and started getting the sappy emails, I can't do it anymore.

It just yourself telling you it is time to focus on you, if your listening.

So, looking to kick myself in the nuts again...

 

I suggest the you read you log, point out to yourself how many time you are seeing yourself as a victim of life when in fact it been choices you put yourself in: dating a married women, going over to check out her house, dating someone when your not even close to getting over the last relationship, starting each day focusing on your pain.

 

Being a victim like this is just a way for EGO to not admit it has faults, for if it did, then it would not be perfect and if not perfect that would mean their is work to do. HPD this is not about holding on to something you love, it about avoid the things you fear. But for now you are enjoying the pain much more then wanting to face the work.

 

.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

It just yourself telling you it is time to focus on you, if your listening.

 

 

I suggest the you read you log, point out to yourself how many time you are seeing yourself as a victim of life when in fact it been choices you put yourself in: dating a married women, going over to check out her house, dating someone when your not even close to getting over the last relationship, starting each day focusing on your pain.

 

Being a victim like this is just a way for EGO to not admit it has faults, for if it did, then it would not be perfect and if not perfect that would mean their is work to do. HPD this is not about holding on to something you love, it about avoid the things you fear. But for now you are enjoying the pain much more then wanting to face the work.

 

.

 

Nice to hear from you Grayclouds. I'm trying to focus on myself. However, it sucks having to be by myself all the dang time. I'm a social person by nature, and, I do enjoy the company and touch of a woman.

 

Clouds, I can see much truth to the profound things you say, and there is much depth to them, but this IS a matter of love. It truly is. Sure I have fears as well. But not the fear of being alone or anything like that. I can always have someone around it seems like. It's about having the person that I LOVE around. And no I'm not enjoying the pain. Maybe it appears that I'm sadistic, but I really am not. I'm just struggling to let go. And I know the thing is to love yourself more than anyone else, but that all seems so selfish and empty. I'm a giver...

 

I always appreciate your comments though clouds. You have much insight. Thank you for that.

 

And I'm dying to send an email or a card today. I'm this close.... I know I say this all the time so sorry for being a board hog....

 

Hope everyone is doing ok today.

[GrayClouds]

I'm trying to focus on myself. However, it sucks having to be by myself all the dang time. I'm a social person by nature,

So go volunteer, take a class, go to the coffee shop and read a book, do not like to read then to go to a book reading, join another riding group, or some other positive social event, push yourself out of your comfort for your getting way to compfortable in your misery.

 

Then after your done start trying to figure out why is so unsatisfying to be by yourself.