Newlywed in Crisis

[tnj420]

I will try to make this short and sweet.. I just wed about 6 months ago to a man that I was head over heels for. We dated for 2 years, and everything was great, he treated me wonderful. Right before we got married, he began acting out in jealous rages and fits. He is a very insecure person, and he

 

takes it out on me. He constantly disrespects me in front of friends and strangers. Since we married, he has spat on me (numerous times), blacked my eye, broke two pairs of my glasses, busted my lip, thrown things at me.. the list goes on and on. Mind you, some of these things have been done in public, and in front of people that I know.

 

I am somewhat an attractive woman, and he can't deal with the attention that I might receive sometimes. He feels I am always 'egging' it on, when in actuality I am not. He has been seeking counseling since March, however he has not made any improvements. He still yells, screams and stomps around.. basically throwing tantrums like a child. The sad thing is that he is 25 years old. Plus, he expects me to want to have sex with him on a regular basis after all of the crap he has done to me. He'll say.. let's have make-up sex. What nerve. Sex is important, but not that important.

 

I have only been married for 6 months, and I am so ready to get a divorce. He constantly promises to change his ways, and I agree to stick around, but they just snowball. All of this is just too much of a pattern for me. I have been to a counseling session with him, but he still acts like a child. I feel like I have been 'baited and switched' by him.

 

Lately, I have been spending more time with my friends and traveling more (by request) for my job. I just can't stand being around him. Should we just end it or what???

[Tony T]

If this had been posted seven years ago, I would have sworn your name was Nicole Brown Simpson and your husband was O. J. Simpson. You describe their relationship to a "T". So you know the possible outcomes of this.

 

Divorce is a very painful thing. But remaining with this dude will be even more painful and possibly fatal...like in DEATH. Since marriage is a contract and he misrepresented himself to you to induce you into that contract, you can easily get an annullment. Regardless of your religious affiliations, most deities do not tolerate or recognize fraud.

 

In most cases I would recommend that you try to work things out. But if his behaviour is so engrained that he does not respond to therapy after four months, the situation is serious and it's not likely he will respond anytime soon. This new and vicious behavior has to be a shock to you. This is a side of him you did not see before and I will explain a possible reason below.

 

I must warn you. His violent nature beckons you to take extreme caution in ending this relationship. You need expert handling of this affair to ensure your personal safety. Before you serve him with papers, should you decide to take that route, be sure you have sought very wise counsel from those who can make sure he doesn't do more serious physical harm to you. You will also have to get a restraining order from the courts so he ceases displacing his anger. Do everything you can in order that he does not have access to you for a period of time. If you can work out of town for a while, do it. Do not let word get to him of a pending divorce in advance, at least not if he knows where you are. I am a former news reporter and I know the danger you could face.

 

From a psychological perspective, it is classic that a person who was raised in a highly dysfunctional environment where there was little love and lots of hostility, will unconsciously use the marriage union to vent and resolve the high level of suppressed anger that is stored. Let this be your cue to consider strongly the homelife of the next person you become interested in.

 

You just really deserve a whole lot better than to be a punching bag to a psycho for the rest of your life.

 

DISCLAIMER: This post may be highly biased. I have a personal feeling that any man who blackens a woman's eye, busts her lip, throws things at her, spits on her or otherwise causes her physical harm in any way BELONGS BEHIND BARS.

[Taressa]

When you got married after he had already begun acting out this dangerous way you sent a signal that it was okay for him to mistreat you.

 

Send him a stronger signal that it is NOT okay to beat you, embarass you, and disrespect you. With court protection please get out of the house now. If you want to give it time before ending the marriage, try a legal separation with a restraining order against him. You can reassure your Jekyl/Hyde husband of your willingness to wait for him but insist he learn to control and rechannel his rage before you will spend time with him. His reaction will show if he is willing to work to save the marriage or not.

 

Speak to his therapist as well. I don't have the expertise to know how long a recovery period might be. I would expect to see some improvement by now.

 

Do be careful in this. Too many women end up in the morgue by giving it one more day.

[Kat]

Please get out of this now. You are in a very bad situation. My mother was in the same situation when I was very small and I am very glad she got out alive. Please go while you can.

[billy the kid]

Personally I would end it with the help of the police. and I mean tonight.

I will try to make this short and sweet.. I just wed about 6 months ago to a man that I was head over heels for. We dated for 2 years, and everything was great, he treated me wonderful. Right before we got married, he began acting out in jealous rages and fits. He is a very insecure person, and he takes it out on me. He constantly disrespects me in front of friends and strangers. Since we married, he has spat on me (numerous times), blacked my eye, broke two pairs of my glasses, busted my lip, thrown things at me.. the list goes on and on. Mind you, some of these things have been done in public, and in front of people that I know. I am somewhat an attractive woman, and he can't deal with the attention that I might receive sometimes. He feels I am always 'egging' it on, when in actuality I am not. He has been seeking counseling since March, however he has not made any improvements. He still yells, screams and stomps around.. basically throwing tantrums like a child. The sad thing is that he is 25 years old. Plus, he expects me to want to have sex with him on a regular basis after all of the crap he has done to me. He'll say.. let's have make-up sex. What nerve. Sex is important, but not that important. I have only been married for 6 months, and I am so ready to get a divorce. He constantly promises to change his ways, and I agree to stick around, but they just snowball. All of this is just too much of a pattern for me. I have been to a counseling session with him, but he still acts like a child. I feel like I have been 'baited and switched' by him. Lately, I have been spending more time with my friends and traveling more (by request) for my job. I just can't stand being around him. Should we just end it or what???

[J]

I have been in a very similar situation to the one you are describing, and I can just about 100% guarantee that this CRAP behaviour of his will NOT STOP.

 

Living in false hope and waiting for him to change is not going to get you anywhere. Every time he hurts you or screams at you, he will destroy your self confidence and your self esteem just a bit more, until one day you realise that all you are doing is just trying to keep him happy. You will lose yourself. The bruises heal and the fight stops, but the damage to you goes so much deeper than that. Obviously this jerk sees his marriage papers as ownership deeds - get rid of him while you've still got the strength. Tread carefully, because he won't like it. Control freaks hate it when they lose control.

 

There are so many organisations to help you with this, make some calls, get some support organised, and get the hell out. It won't be easy, and I'm sure you are scared of the future, but ask yourself if you really want to live like this or whether you deserve a life free of fear, pain and humiliation. You can do it!

[billy the kid]

call the police and sheriff "NOW"........

I have been in a very similar situation to the one you are describing, and I can just about 100% guarantee that this CRAP behaviour of his will NOT STOP. Living in false hope and waiting for him to change is not going to get you anywhere. Every time he hurts you or screams at you, he will destroy your self confidence and your self esteem just a bit more, until one day you realise that all you are doing is just trying to keep him happy. You will lose yourself. The bruises heal and the fight stops, but the damage to you goes so much deeper than that. Obviously this jerk sees his marriage papers as ownership deeds - get rid of him while you've still got the strength. Tread carefully, because he won't like it. Control freaks hate it when they lose control. There are so many organisations to help you with this, make some calls, get some support organised, and get the hell out. It won't be easy, and I'm sure you are scared of the future, but ask yourself if you really want to live like this or whether you deserve a life free of fear, pain and humiliation. You can do it!