Was my GF raped or did she cheat?

[fiftyfiftyone]

I found this forum to see what other unbiased people thought about my situation. I have a GF of 2 years, we love eachother very much. Our sex life is great. Every once and awhile we get in arguements, usually over stupid stuff. She likes to be on facebook a lot and has a lot of guy friends. Most of them are pretty harmless and i tell her it bothers me sometimes that she talks to them. Anyways, the other night we got into a big arguement and i said maybe we shouldn't be together. Afterwards she got really pissed and decided to go to the bar. She asked me to come, but I was trying to reason with her and ask her to come inside my apartment to talk to me. She drove off. I went inside and talked to her sister. Her sister said how stupid she was being and that she was going to go to the bar to get her. Well her sister couldn't get through. On my GF's facebook it said "**** you, at the bar with my girl!" So I figured i would go to bed and talk to her in the morning.

 

So at 4am she wakes me up, shes sitting on my bed. I say Hi! I was really excited to see her. She tells me that she cheated on me. I lose it, I start going crazy. She starts crying. I ask her who? She tells me who. It's this dude shes been talking to. Hes a scumbag hes been in jail doesn't even drive. I ask her if she was raped. She says no. Then I really lose it. She tells me she didn't want it to happen, she was drunk, bla bla bla. I go nuts, I tell her to get the hell away from me. I call her a whore, slut, skank. Shes crying so much. I finally get her away from me, I tell her to sleep on the couch. The next morning I take her keys and throw her out. She calls me 50 times that day, and sends me countless text messages. I just blow her off. I tell her friends what she did. That was sunday.

 

Monday rolls around, I blow her off some more.

 

Tuesday rolls around and i talk to her online. She tells me the whole story. She said she went over to this dudes house with her friend, they all knew eachother. They were just chilling in her car cause it was raining. Then her friend wanted to go home. So she drove her home. Then she came back to this dudes house. They were just watching TV when he got on top of her and raped her. She said she choked him and hit him but she couldn't get him off her. She said she got away the first chance she got. After that she went home and then came over to my place to tell me. I asked her why didn't she tell me that in the first place instead of that she cheated on me? she says that she didn't think i would have believed her.

 

So the last 2 days I forgave her, I felt sorry she was raped. I believed her story and I wanted to be there for her. But some things just still don't line up. Why did she go back over there? it would to have been 2am when she went back. She really couldn't get him off her? We mess around a lot and shes pretty strong. She could have punched him in the face or something. When she came over to my place her hair was still perfect, its like she hadn't showered. I think she was stilll wearing the clothes she wore to his house. Now that I've forgiven her shes back to being her normal self and shes not so apolegetic anymore.

 

So, did she make up the raping story? She didn't have to drive over to my house at 4 am to tell me if she wanted to cheat on me. The raping story is what she has been telling her friends, and I do believe this dude could have raped her because he is a piece of ****. I asked her the story a couple of times and every time the story is the same. But at the same time I don't want to believe her, shes been physically close to me and its only been a few days since it happened. I would think she would be just a little traumatized if she really had been raped.

Edited July 29, 2010 by fiftyfiftyone

[GorillaTheater]

First question of course is whether she reported the rape to the police. If not, why not? Unless it was a pretty damn good reason, I would lean towards believing the first story she gave you.

[fiftyfiftyone]

First question of course is whether she reported the rape to the police. If not, why not? Unless it was a pretty damn good reason, I would lean towards believing the first story she gave you.

 

 

she didn't. she said she showered so many times afterwards and probably washed away all the evidence and that she probably couldn't prove it. i told her to, and all her friends did too.

[Art_Critic]

I lose it, I start going crazy.

 

I ask her if she was raped. She says no.

 

Then I really lose it.

 

I go nuts

 

I call her a whore, slut, skank.

 

I finally get her away from me,

 

I tell her to sleep on the couch.

 

The next morning I take her keys and throw her out.

 

I just blow her off.

 

I tell her friends what she did.

 

I blow her off some more.

I felt sorry she was raped.

 

Now that I've forgiven her

 

 

Man.. I'll tell you what.. raped or not it seems like you have zero respect for her and it sounds like you guys don't belong together..

 

The only way to know if she was raped is if you

A.) Believe her

or

B.) See the police report that she filed.

 

With the fact that you feel you had to "forgive her" for being raped I would think that A.) is out.. and unless she did file a police report then B.) is out..

 

At this point you don't seem to believe her.. so you have no choice but to cut her loose..

 

It sounds like you are the one that introduce the word rape to her...

Why would you feel she was raped and ask her if she was ?

 

I really don't see a way this work out or if you can tell if she was raped without believing her..

 

Maybe some other posters can come up with something...

[fiftyfiftyone]

i also went through her phone the other night when she was here and i found a few texts between them.

 

he has asked if she told me that he ****ed her, and she said i did tell him *******. she seemed to be really pissed with him. it sounded like he was teasing her, that he knew he did something wrong and that she was upset.

[GorillaTheater]

Then I'm very sorry man, but personally? I'd believe the first story she gave you: that she cheated on you and that she wasn't raped.

 

I think the subsequent rape story was her attempt at damage control.

[fiftyfiftyone]

Man.. I'll tell you what.. raped or not it seems like you have zero respect for her and it sounds like you guys don't belong together..

 

The only way to know if she was raped is if you

A.) Believe her

or

B.) See the police report that she filed.

 

With the fact that you feel you had to "forgive her" for being raped I would think that A.) is out.. and unless she did file a police report then B.) is out..

 

At this point you don't seem to believe her.. so you have no choice but to cut her loose..

 

It sounds like you are the one that introduce the word rape to her...

Why would you feel she was raped and ask her if she was ?

 

I really don't see a way this work out or if you can tell if she was raped without believing her..

 

Maybe some other posters can come up with something...

 

When she came over i asked her, because i didn't believe that she voluntarily did it and this guy is scum. and when she told me what happened, i just listened i didn't mention anything about rape. its not like i kept asking her and she eventually said yes. and "i forgave her" was the wrong wording. I meant I believed her and wanted to be there for my girlfriend, i didn't want her to be alone and i wanted to help her cope.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm just off to buy your 25th anniversary present.

 

but I'll keep the receipt.

 

Just in case.

[Jilly Bean]

Then I'm very sorry man, but personally? I'd believe the first story she gave you: that she cheated on you and that she wasn't raped.

 

I think the subsequent rape story was her attempt at damage control.

 

+1.

 

If she was raped, she would have been far more distraught, and she would have shown more signs or bruising from the alleged struggle.

 

I'm also curious as to why you would ask her if she was raped after she confessed to cheating. It's an EXCEPTIONALLY odd question to follow-up with. I think you planted the idea in her head, as if you felt if she were raped, you would forgive her.

 

Either way, as Art Critic pointed out, your relationship is terribly toxic.

[anne1707]

If she was raped, she would have been far more distraught, and she would have shown more signs or bruising from the alleged struggle.

 

This is not neccessarily true (every rape victim will react differently both during and after the attack). However I do think there may be some truth in the rest of JB's post.

[cookie2]

Definitely sounds like the rape story was a cover-up, to stop you being mad at her. Does she still talk to or text the dude? That would be a big giveaway if she still does that.

[fiftyfiftyone]

Definitely sounds like the rape story was a cover-up, to stop you being mad at her. Does she still talk to or text the dude? That would be a big giveaway if she still does that.

 

no. she stopped talking to the guy as far as i know.

[fresco]

no. she stopped talking to the guy as far as i know.

 

 

As far as you know. Im gonna be honest it sounds like she was mad at you, had a few drinks and slept with this dude. Maybe she wouldn't have done it if she was sober, but she definitely did it. You were the one to bring up rape first, if she had been forced against her will she would have surely been upset and said something right away. Maybe this guy took advantage of her, maybe not. But she also went back after she dropped her friend off which she shouldn't have done. I'd kick her to the curb dude, she probably is still talking to this guy behind your back

[mickleb]

Um. You don't have text conversations with someone who has raped you.

 

I'm afraid everything seems to point to her being a very low-down, lying, cheater.

 

I'm sorry.

 

x

[jen_r]

My ex's ex-gf before me cheated on him and claimed rape. Of course, come to find out that wasn't true. I'm sure she just wants to keep you in her life and figures you won't dump her if she was raped. :/

[Treasa]

Get the police on the phone in front of her, see what she does. If she WAS raped, it should be reported and she shouldn't take issue with it.

 

$50 says she doesn't let you make the call.

[GordonDarkfoot]

It may have been rape.

 

You weren't there so you don't know.

 

I understand the skepticism based on the differing stories.

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she is telling the truth when she told you she was raped; maybe she was too confused or scared to tell the truth at first.

 

What you now need to do is to go down to the police station and report that your girlfriend has alleged a rape occurred. Then let the professionals follow it up.

 

That's all you can do in this situation.

[This Hurts]

I would say she cheated. My ex did the same thing. I'm going to try to keep this short 'cause it honestly hurts to remember.

 

She didn't tell me she was raped, but she told me she felt raped. I believed her to a certain degree since even before she told me, she had problems watching sex scenes in movies and stuff like that, but I didn't understand why after he supposedly "pressured" her into it, she still hung out with him frequently. However, it wasn't technically cheating because we weren't together at the time, but we had been broken up for a very short time (this was last summer).

 

Anyways, she stopped talking to him completely (that I know of), but I often asked her if she felt so violated by him why she kept going back. It just didn't make sense to me how you could feel raped by someone and keep hanging out with them as if nothing happened.

 

Eventually the truth came out and she told me she slept with him again a few times after that.

 

I remember when she told me this my whole body went numb and I felt like I was floating. It hurt so f*cking bad and I feel like crying now just thinking about it. But that's besides the point.

 

She told me she did it because I was "gone" and she thought he would love her if she let him. She said it hurt her most of the time and she even bled sometimes because he wasn't careful at all. She hated talking about it and when I asked her to contact him and tell him the truth (he was also the guy she cheated on me way before that, long story), she did. She was blunt and honest, so I believed her. That doesn't justify it, though. I still thought she was a whore for it and she knew that but I forgave her and we tried to move forward.

 

I don't know if you can relate to my story at all, but I hope it helped.

 

I honestly think she cheated on you. I'm really sorry. I know how it feels.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I don't believe she was raped. She told YOU what YOU wanted to hear. When she told you she cheated, why would you ask if she was raped? You made it clear that was the story you could live with and she gave it to you.

 

She likes this guy enough to communicate with him regularly, goes to his house, leaves and returns to his house, and continues communicating with him after that night. A man is not likely to text a woman he raped. A rape victim is not likely to reply to a text from her rapist.

[sweetjasmine]

I agree with what most of you are saying and that she probably made up the rape story because she thought OP would forgive her, but...

 

If she WAS raped, it should be reported and she shouldn't take issue with it.

 

That's not exactly fair. I know women who wouldn't take it to the police unless they had absolutely irrefutable evidence of what happened because reporting it and going through the process of investigation and eventually a trial can be just as if not more traumatic to some than the actual rape itself. That is, if the cops don't say, "Sorry, lady, you're full of sh-t." Honestly, if it happened to me, I'm not so sure I'd go to the police.

[Treasa]

I agree with what most of you are saying and that she probably made up the rape story because she thought OP would forgive her, but...

 

 

 

That's not exactly fair. I know women who wouldn't take it to the police unless they had absolutely irrefutable evidence of what happened because reporting it and going through the process of investigation and eventually a trial can be just as if not more traumatic to some than the actual rape itself. That is, if the cops don't say, "Sorry, lady, you're full of sh-t." Honestly, if it happened to me, I'm not so sure I'd go to the police.

 

I would still report it if someone told me they had been raped, whether they wanted it reported or not.

 

I was molested by my father. My mother (who was divorced from my father at the time) found out about me after I told her, called the police, social workers came, etc. The judge didn't believe me and no formal charges were files, even though they kept my statements. However, when my father was busted many years later for 1st degree sexual assault of a child, you better believe my mom was happy she had reported it, because it DID play into his conviction.

 

I stand by what I said.

[sweetjasmine]

I would still report it if someone told me they had been raped, whether they wanted it reported or not.

 

I was molested by my father. My mother (who was divorced from my father at the time) found out about me after I told her, called the police, social workers came, etc. The judge didn't believe me and no formal charges were files, even though they kept my statements. However, when my father was busted many years later for 1st degree sexual assault of a child, you better believe my mom was happy she had reported it, because it DID play into his conviction.

 

I stand by what I said.

 

It's notoriously difficult to get prior bad acts testimony admitted in a case/trial, especially if there was never an arrest or conviction. I wouldn't count on it happening.

 

And in any case, that's immaterial to the question of whether someone would feel comfortable reporting it to the police. Someone's reluctance to file a rape report doesn't really say anything about whether they're telling the truth. And if someone reported it on the victim's behalf, it wouldn't go anywhere if the victim denied it happened or refused to give a statement to the police saying she was raped.

[LikeCharlotte]

That's not exactly fair. I know women who wouldn't take it to the police unless they had absolutely irrefutable evidence of what happened because reporting it and going through the process of investigation and eventually a trial can be just as if not more traumatic to some than the actual rape itself. That is, if the cops don't say, "Sorry, lady, you're full of sh-t." Honestly, if it happened to me, I'm not so sure I'd go to the police.

 

This is accurate and very true. You need to listen and be patient. Try to see if she will talk to a professional counselor or therapist. She can decide from there if she wants to report it. Rape is serious and the victim often blames themselves or feels so much guilt and shame they do not report it. Stand by her. If she is a cheater it will come out eventually. If it is rape blaming and making it her fault by putting your feelings of distrust on her can damage her permanently. Please, don't do that.

[DenverBachelor]

Without a doubt, she cheated on you. Rape isn't a black and white issue, although a lot of feminists will try and have you believe that. There's statutory rape, date rape, etc. There's the rape that occurs after sex (when the woman feels bad about having sex and convinces herself that she was raped).

 

I used to counsel peers in college that had alleged they were raped. Some were most certainly raped while others were grossly negligent.

 

Anyhow, she wasn't raped. She sat down at 4am and woke you up and told you right away that she cheated on you. Any man with boundaries would have immediately evicted her out of the premises faster than a proton through the LHC.

 

The fact that you're still dealing with her suggests you haven't put up clear boundaries and/or that you don't respect yourself. She surely does not.

[Treasa]

Without a doubt, she cheated on you. Rape isn't a black and white issue, although a lot of feminists will try and have you believe that. There's statutory rape, date rape, etc. There's the rape that occurs after sex (when the woman feels bad about having sex and convinces herself that she was raped).

 

I used to counsel peers in college that had alleged they were raped. Some were most certainly raped while others were grossly negligent.

 

Anyhow, she wasn't raped. She sat down at 4am and woke you up and told you right away that she cheated on you. Any man with boundaries would have immediately evicted her out of the premises faster than a proton through the LHC.

 

The fact that you're still dealing with her suggests you haven't put up clear boundaries and/or that you don't respect yourself. She surely does not.

 

I agree completely. This woman really sounds like a troublemaker, and I don't buy her story for a minute. It's all very convenient for her, and she can hide behind things like, "Oh, I'm too scared to go to the police; they won't believe me." While I know there are real victims out there, I'm just not buying this one's story OR excuse about not wanting to call the police.