ratingsguy Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 My fiancee calls me about 3-5 times a day. Once in the morning, a few times during the day and then before she goes to bed (we don't live together and I work nights). To start, I'm not a big talker on the phone and she knows this. I'm the kind of person who will pick up the phone to call someone only if I have something to say... not just for the sake of calling. But with my fiancee, she'll call even if she has nothing to say. She works with kids all day, so she says she needs some adult interaction which I guess is understandable. But a lot of the time our phone conversations will revolve around her asking me what I have planned for the day, what she needs to do or has planned, things that I need to accomplish, things we need to accomplish together, asking me if I can do something for her or making plans for when we're together. We seldom talk about fun stuff or just BS stuff that a lot of people talk about. It's always about things that require effort. I hate to say this, but talking to her is like work sometimes and I dread seeing the phone ring. I don't like that... I want to be excited when she calls, but I'm anything but. It's causing me stress. Now all that being said, I love her very much and we're great together when we are together, but the phone calls are killing me. Sometimes she'll text and that doesn't bother me at all and we interact that way at times, too. But with the phone calls, I can almost feel the frustration building inside me. It's maddening... and sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Plus she's very sensitive so it's hard to talk to her about this without her getting upset. I have no idea what to do or how to make this stop... especially without hurting her feelings. I'm afraid she has nothing else to say when we're on the phone... which to me is ok, because I would only call when I DO have something to say. God, this is so tiring. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 So, what do you imagine life to be like as a married man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ratingsguy Posted July 30, 2010 Author Share Posted July 30, 2010 Ha! Well I imagine since we'll be living together that we won't have to speak on the phone as much, thankfully. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 LOL, there will come a time you will chew off your leg like a dog in a trap to have that phone back Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 Talk to her about it, otherwise the resentment will just keep building. If she doesn't know what she's doing to upset you, she can't be expected to change it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 So, telling a sensitive female fiance that you feel 'frustration building inside me' from talking on the phone is going to go over like what, a lead balloon? Oh, well, I guess now is as good a time as any to get used to her being mad at you. FWIW, stbx and I talked on the phone all the time during our ten year M and that never got old or 'frustrating' and, surprise, surprise, I jump whenever the phone rings and hate talking on the phone *except* if it's someone I connect with. Sounds like you have the opposite problem. Hope you find a healthy balance point in there... Tip: Accept and value that fiance needs to be 'connected' to you. Experiment: Be proactive and call *her* more. Try it for a week. See what happens. Ask her how it makes her feel when you call her 'just because'. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 We seldom talk about fun stuff or just BS stuff that a lot of people talk about. What is stopping YOU from talking about fun stuff and just BS stuff that a lot of people (who are in love and planning to spend the rest of their lives together) talk about? Cos if you've already decided that it's not also YOUR role and responsibility to PARTNER with her to keep the fun and romance going...then it ain't gonna be too fun or romantic for the rest of your lives! Get back in the game with her, so that you two can STAY in love That is, KEEP being the guy she fell in love with and KEEP doing how you used to do it that made her fall in love with you in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 ratingsguy I can totally understand what you are talking about. When my H calls me from work it is the same thing. Constantly talking about stuff I don't want to hear about. I have started to hate my cell phone because it seems I can't get away from being "on call". I don't know what to tell you except if you think it's driving you crazy now, just wait until you get married, it never stops. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 Tip: Accept and value that fiance needs to be 'connected' to you. Experiment: Be proactive and call *her* more. Try it for a week. See what happens. Ask her how it makes her feel when you call her 'just because'. This is a great suggestion! Maybe she is calling all the time because she feels a little insecure, and your calling her more often would help solve that. You do need to talk to her about it though. If you phrase it carefully, hopefully she'll understand. I think calling in the morning, multiple times during the day, and then again at night is TOOOOO much. And if it bothers you, you have to say something to her. Don't let the resentment build & leak into other areas of your relationship. Small issues like this can get bigger if you don't deal with them right away, and that's not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 Tell her! Just be honest, say that you love her so much, but that you need less phone calls, and when you get the phone calls, to make them light and fun, else it feels like work. Then throw in some random nice comments and take her for ice cream (or something). LOL. Seriously, that'd work fine on me, I'd be upset for about 5 minutes but in the long run I'd be happy he said something, and I'd appreciate being spoiled a bit after the convo (call me simple-I am! Lol). You could always then say stuff that women like to hear - like 'communicating and talking things out is important in a M, and I want us to always be honest and talk, and be respectful to each other'. I think she'll be cool Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted August 5, 2010 Share Posted August 5, 2010 I have to be honest, Mr C did this to me right at the beginning of our relationship. I explained to him that I don't like talking on the phone. I prefer minimal interaction during the day, so that I have meaningful interaction with him in the evening. If he's texted/emailed or called me during the day, I have nothing to talk to him about in the evening! Like you, I prefer the face-to-face interaction. Explain that to her. I'm sure she'd be fine with it once she knows what works for you... like Torranceshipman says, you'd need to say something along the lines of 'communication is important to me, so I'm explaining what works and what isn't... and face to face works best for me'. It's amazing for me because before Mr C and I started dating, I hated being put on the spot in face to face discussions and would rather over-analyse everything by email or text. Now, I hardly text/mail and talk everything out. But not several times a day Link to post Share on other sites
Author ratingsguy Posted August 6, 2010 Author Share Posted August 6, 2010 All great advice! Thanks, everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
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