Not sure what to think....

[6609510]

My long time boyfriend just told me he's no longer friends with a female he knows. I know her too but I don't think as well as he does. Honestly all I know of her is she was always flirty with him, bought him gifts, brought him leftovers from dinner she cooked now and then, and always called or texted him wanting them to hang out with her (if or how much they did or not I cannot exactly say). She even researched an expensive gift for him for last Christmas - something I thought was above and beyond a typical friend gift in monitary value and effort.

 

He knows I wasn't thrilled about their friendship but I also know I am a jealous person by nature (deep rooted trust issues with people in general, worst made in this sort of close relationship). Most of the time I feel I went out of my way to try to not be bothered by it. The last thing I wanted him to think is I don't trust him or want to control who he is friends with (even if I would prefer he wasn't with some of them).

 

Recently, we had a conversation about this because I was feeling concerned. I hadn't seen her in a long time, and he takes most calls privately if he can and I kinda could sense when it was her calling so I felt as though perhaps he might be hiding their friendship from me.

 

He basically admitted to hiding their friendship from me but because he didn't want me to be upset. For him, he doesn't see her that way. He liked taking to her about common interests and thought she could be at times a very interesting person. "How she feels is a moot point".

 

Since I got him to open up a bit about it, and could sorta see his point, I was satisfied with our conversation. I decided that it was my duty to trust him as much as I am capable because I have no concrete reason to do otherwise.

 

A few days later, he told me he had good news. He said he told her they weren't going to hang out at all anymore and not to call him either.

 

I guess I was supposed to be excited for the fact that he wanted to show me he cares more about our relationship than this chick. I don't deny the fact that the idea of not having to think about her being in the picture anymore isn't pleasing - or that this gesture isn't grand.

 

I am confused that I am not more satisfied about this than I am. For one thing, it made me feel like I am the fault of him losing a friend. For another, skeptical me can't help but thing perhaps he told me this to pacify me - and that if he IS hiding something there will just be now even BETTER hiding or or somehow this will come up again because she makes her way back into the picture and THEN how I deal with that and those feelings...

 

I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to not trust him but I also don't want to be naive.

 

My sensible side tells me to just let the cards fall where they may (believe that or not) and my irrational side is very confused and concerned even more now.

Edited July 30, 2010 by 6609510

[cookie2]

How she feels is certainly not a moot point! If she fancies him then he should be making it totally clear to her that she can't be "just friends". I think there are very few people in the world who would be happy with their SO hanging out with someone of the opposite sex who fancies them. It's not a healthy friendship. It certainly seems like he was using her. If she obviously fancied him and was buying him gifts, and he did nothing to discourage it, then he was taking advantage of her feelings... by accepting the gifts, and keeping her hanging on, maybe as a backup plan in case things didn't work out with you? As I see it there could be 3 things going on here.

 

1) Everything is as he said it. This is pretty unlikely IMO. Why would he suddenly stop being friends with her all of a sudden, after he has permission from you?

 

2) Everything is as he said it, except the reason they aren't friends any more. Maybe she came on to him a bit too heavily and he realized what's going on, so ended the friendship. Or maybe he realized he fancied her too, and ended the friendship because he couldn't trust himself around her any more. Again, it does seem quite unlikely.

 

3) The third option, well you know what this one is. He was having a bit on the side. It might have been going on for a while and he decided to end it, or it might have been a one-off that made him realize he wanted you. But in the end he chose you. Can you live with that? Would it always haunt you, knowing that he might have cheated?

 

I think you need to talk to him about why the friendship ended. I think he is definitely hiding something. Whether it's something bad or something not so bad... you need to find out. You can't carry on as normal with this kind of thing in your head. Are there any other "red flags"... does he seem depressed, distant, or a big increase in sex? I'm not a fan of random phone snooping but I think you have sufficient justification to take a peek, if you can.

Edited July 30, 2010 by cookie2

[6609510]

I agree with him though, that how she feels, is at least somewhat moot. He can't control the fact that she has a crush on him.

 

I think most of us have had a friend or two in the past who wanted more. However I also agree I think it's inappropriate that you accept gifts and spend time alone regularly with a friend like this if you are dating someone else. I think it's disrespectful to your wanton friend because you are likely either knowingly or unknowingly leading them on, and if you let things go too far is obviously isn't respectful of the person you're dating.

 

He told me a long time ago that he made it clear to her that they are just friends. I don't believe this changed her behavior much so that is a bit perplexing. Perhaps they both are just plain confused as to where they feel the line should be.

 

I have really only two options - give him the benefit of the doubt and try to be happy about this OR decide that this issue is a deal breaker. Option 2 is pretty silly unless I find some sort of concrete evidence that there is something still going on behind my back.

 

I guess I just wanted to confirm that I was not completely irrational for feeling the way I do about the situation.